Over the course of about 3 years, I’ve been doing some very intense healing from a painful childhood. When you are holding on to old wounds, you will have triggers. I didn’t even realize how much trauma I was holding into until I started healing it.
It’s like when I learned how to fish as an adult. The more I learned, the more I realized just how much I didn’t know about fishing. As I started doing healing work, I began to see how much I’d blocked out.
Something I learned just the past year or so is how to recognize when I’m holding onto a belief that is no longer true for me. You see, beliefs are created to serve a purpose in your life. I’ll share an example from mine.
When I was very young, probably a toddler, I created a belief that I was defective. There was something wrong with me.
The reason I created that belief was because of how I was being treated by my unmedicated, unbalanced, mentally ill mother. When she was manic, she would verbally lash out at me, so to create a story that made sense to my toddler brain and make it happy (brains do not like uncertainty), I figured out there was something wrong with me, or I was doing something that justified being assaulted. That made all the sense in the world to me.
I have also learned that I was amazingly intuitively perceptive and literally felt my mothers feelings as they came out of her. Much of what she felt during her lifetime was that there was something wrong with her: that she was defective. Even though she saw a psychiatrist for years, she was not properly diagnosed and medicated for being bipolar until she was about 50 yrs. old and had a complete breakdown. As a very little girl, I absorbed my mothers belief of being defective.
As an adult, I learned that I am not defective. And through several hypnotherapy sessions, I’ve seen that the real, true essence of who I am is a beautiful, loving and compassionate being created literally from light (quantum physics yo!). My divine essence is perfect just as it is.
At some inner level, I already knew this, and carrying the belief that I was defective at the same time as knowing I am perfect created a dissonance deep inside my body.
When you carry dissonance between beliefs in your body, it creates an uncomfortable feeling that often lies dormant. However, there will be times when the untrue belief will be activated. How can you recognize this activation? We call it reacting, or being triggered. When something happens and you act without thinking, it is re-acting. The belief deep within you finds an opportunity to shout or scream, saying, “I’m here! I’m not working for you anymore! Look at me! Notice me! Please heal me!” You might get angry all of a sudden, or very sad, or annoyed. The way things (a comment or someone’s action) hit you causes a big uproar inside you. You are triggered. You might suddenly feel like you need to prove yourself or defend something you’ve said.
A classic example of this is road rage. Or any time you lash out.
About a year or so ago, I was hanging out with a friend and our kids. We had taken them to a local pool, where the kids were swimming and she and I were sitting poolside chatting away. There was another mom who joined in the conversation and at one point mentioned that she loved that her daughter like to swim. The mom commented that her daughter was chubby, and she (mom) welcomed the exercise for her (daughter). I agreed that I too, was thankful that my son loved to swim because he needed the exercise too. After a while, this other mother left and as she did, my friend turned to me seething, telling me that it was a good thing that I had carried the conversation because she was about to jump that woman’s shit. How dare she call her daughter fat! How dare she put her down! And…. yada, yada, yada. My friend went on for quite a while about how incensed she was at this woman’s behavior.
All the woman said was that her daughter was a little bit overweight, and that she was glad the girl loved something that was physically both enjoyable and beneficial. I was shocked at my friend’s reaction, but quickly recognized that some old wounds within her were still very active and wanted to be healed.
The wounds that you carry and the old beliefs that no longer resonate with you (no longer work for you) create filters through which you view and experience your entire world. And no, they don’t go anywhere until you heal them.
As you can identify these old beliefs, part of healing and releasing them is acknowledging that they were created by you in order to help your brain cope, to feel better. They were created to help you survive. Because of that, be grateful for them. They helped you be here today. Without them, you might not have made it.
After being grateful, it’s most appropriate to find a way to usher these beliefs out, to release them. For me, it’s done using hypnosis. For others, it’s done in deep prayer or meditation. Everyone will find their process, their way. Unless and until you can heal these old beliefs, they will stay with you, acting up and acting out from time to time. Denying them or pushing them down only cements their existence with you. And what you resist, persists. When you can reach the point of thanking them for how they initially served you, that’s the first step in allowing them to leave.
I have released several old beliefs by communicating in hypnosis with the younger version of myself who created the belief. And sometimes by visiting past lives where old beliefs were created and had stuck with me through time. I can literally see and understand how and why a belief was created, realize it is no longer true for me, and allow my current wisdom to talk with my former self and explain why the belief is no longer true. Once the former self completely understands the bigger picture, it’s able to change its mind and let go of the belief they originally created. It’s at this point that there is a literal energetic shift, the old belief is released, and the complex energetic pattern that is me is permanently changed.
With my old belief that “I was defective,” how it went down during the hypnotherapy session in a nutshell was this. I tuned into a deep frustration that kept coming up between me and my son when he would have trouble doing homework. [I couldn’t understand why his brain would freeze up and he couldn’t do a simple homework sheet. The more he couldn’t do it, the more frustrated I became. Eventually, I’d blow up. This pattern repeated more times than I care to admit. Finally, I learned about reactivity and noticed this pattern. About a year after this healing I learned that what my son was experiencing was actually a type of panic attack, where his brain would freeze.]
I was asked to notice what thoughts came up around my frustration. “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you do this simple thing? Are you defective or something?” As soon as those thoughts came to me, I looked at my son who was sitting at the dining room table (remember, this is with my eyes closed, relaxed in hypnosis), and his head turned into a mirror. Immediately the thoughts became directed toward me. “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do this simple thing? Am I defective or something?” As those thoughts sank in and my mind drifted back to when they first entered my head, I had a sudden realization that they weren’t even my thoughts. They belonged to my mother. SHE thought there was something wrong with her. SHE thought she was defective. I picked up her thoughts, believing they were mine.
Children are very intuitive, and some more than others. I was very intuitive and literally claimed my mother’s thoughts and beliefs as my own. Because of how she treated me from time to time (the verbal attacks), these thoughts made perfect sense to me. I MUST have done something wrong, or there must something wrong with me, to deserve being treated so harshly.
During the session, once I realized what happened, how the belief of being defective was created, my adult wisdom was able to communicate with the little one who was still active within me, and let her know that she was never defective. She was always a perfect and beautiful little God-child, who had a very unhappy and mentally ill mother. She did nothing wrong to excuse, justify or deserve such treatment. And it wasn’t really her mother’s fault. She was sick.
As soon as my younger self understood, there was a dramatic shift in energy. She immediately became happy, joyful in fact. She smiled and danced and jumped for joy. Then I heard music playing and partying began. Guides who accompany me, my family who have passed on, and the other beings in spirit who help me in my life and healing, were all there to witness this transformation. In joyful celebration, we all formed a conga line and danced. (I don’t know why, but more often than not, when shifts happen for me and I touch divinity, music starts to play. Partying happens and it’s usually conga music.)
As I’ve become aware of old beliefs that no longer serve me, and I’m able to heal them, they no longer act up. As I walk through my day I am less reactive. Things don’t trigger me because the thing that was triggered is gone. There is so much more peace in my heart!!
You might carry beliefs with you that are merely judgments that were put on you as a very young child. Judgments from your family, based in their own personal pain. And judgments from society, based in collective pain and fear. How do you know if a judgment is true or helpful for you? Filter it through your heart instead of through your beliefs. How does it feel? Does it make you feel good or relaxed or expansive, or does it cause discomfort or contraction in any way? Living through your heart filter will never steer you wrong.
For anyone who is still grappling with their inner child.