Sometimes, especially when I don’t feel strong, I feel like I’m falling. Falling into nothingness. I feel like I’m falling and hoping that someone, perhaps a knight in shining armor on a big steed, will catch me and carry me away to safety.
When I was little, I remember the feeling of falling asleep at night, and night after night, wishing so hard for my knight to come and rescue me. I don’t even remember why, but I wanted to be taken away; to be saved from something.
I remember when I was pretty young, seeing a book or a magazine in the waiting room of my dentist, that had a story about a young boy, about my age, who was very sick and who ended up dying and being taken away by Jesus in the night. For some reason, his family propped up one hand with a pillow so Jesus could see it and would know to come get him. I remember propping up my hand at night, hoping that Jesus would see it and would take me away to heaven.
I don’t even remember just exactly what was going on, but I remember praying and hoping to be taken away and rescued most nights as I lay my head down to fall asleep. Helpless. Hopeless. Powerless.
What in my life was so bad that I wanted to either be taken away or to die? I can’t remember. But the feelings have come up again (likely because of the intense energy work I did a short time ago), and I have a feeling it’s because they can go now.
It’s weird to have partial memories of things. I’ve read about people blocking out events in their lives and blocking out bits and pieces, and even chunks. But I didn’t realize that I did this, too. With what happened in my young life, how could I not? It was evidently how I survived.
There have been so many times that being here in a physical body has been so hard, almost too hard for me to bear. On the one hand, I wonder if I’ve ever really truly been able to just dive in and live life as a human. While on the other hand, I know that if my physical existence were truly at stake, my body would fight like hell to stay alive. That’s what it’s for: keeping me here so I can have experiences that my soul wanted to have.
I also know that emotions and feelings are fleeting and come and go like the wind. I just wish this particular one would hurry up and move along for good.
One of the ways I heal old wounds is to look at things using hypnosis. Because this old feeling has come up so very strongly, I will be having a hypnosis session to see how it was created in the first place (what was going on in my life) and to heal it.
One thing I’ve learned is when I have uncomfortable feelings resurface, there are old beliefs still active in me that no longer resonate with my current truth about myself. All I have to do is see what the beliefs are and how they were created, and this allows me to shift and heal them in an instant.
It’s as easy as being able to see a scene where I decided that bad things that were happening around me and to me were my fault in some way because I must have deserved it. That’s how my young brain made sense of my world. But when I bring my current, adult wisdom into the picture, I can see that in reality (at least, my current reality), I was a perfect and beautiful little girl who had some crazy and sadistic people masquerading as family, raining their wonky shit all over me.
By doing this process, the younger piece of me who still holds the old belief is essentially re-educated and is able to let go of her belief, creating an energetic shift that transcends time and space. She is brought back into resonance with my core self: who always knows that I am first and always a child of the Divine. My core self is the energy that is our life force, that I also call God. It is pure, unconditional, completely non-judgmental and absolutely accepting LOVE.
I now understand that anything that doesn’t resonate with Divinity feels uncomfortable inside me. It is this, that becomes reactive, acts out, and acts up.
And more and more, I have tools to let this stuff go.