So, if you’re not brand new to this blog, by now you know that I had some serious shit go down in my home with my family when I was young. The big secret that still exists is around my molestation. The fact that I was molested by my big brother.
When it all came out, it was handled poorly. Very poorly. My father was so freaked out about the whole thing that he dealt with it by trying to put a huge lid on it. Hard to put a lid on pregnancy, so I was shunted away to a home for unwed mothers. (This was back in 1979 when being a pregnant teen was not at all socially acceptable in any way, shape or form).
My father had his own business, and I can only guess that the shame of having a son who molested his sister and the shame of having a daughter who was pregnant at 14, terrified him. He was terrified that no one would want to use his services and then he wouldn’t be able to provide for this messed up family. Oh yeah, about this time, my not-yet-medicated bipolar mother began to really spin out.
My younger brother, who had been sent away to a boarding school didn’t even know.
So this big, ugly family secret was created. We all acted like nothing happened (once I was home from having my daughter and leaving her behind to be adopted). We never talked about it ever again after I came home.
Years passed and I began to tell people close to me; people I trusted. Because my relationship with my brother was very strained, we only talked about it once or twice. It was only two years ago that I finally told our younger brother and his wife. It was a big shock for them; and explained some things.
Over the past year and a half, in particular, I’ve been working on healing my relationship with my older brother by working on myself. Working on letting go of anger. Working on letting go of wishing the past was different from what was. Letting go of feeling betrayed and let down. Letting go of unmet expectations. And I’m feeling a lot better about things these days.
With a traumatic event that involved another person, I’ve learned that working on me is what makes a big difference. Healing my internal wounds is what releases me, brings me peace and freedom. If I have to engage with the person again, it’s not as difficult. Disengaging the energetic threads cuts the marionette strings of reactivity.
My healing around this relationship kicked off in early 2008 when I had an unexpected mystical experience during a hypnotherapy session. As I was being guided to imagine this and see that, my hypnotherapist said something and in a flash, the scene completely changed. Without my conscious intention, an angel appeared and healed shame I carried from this whole mess. It was truly a miracle for me. Being released from the shame allowed healing to begin.
A year and a half ago, I decided to do some more work to heal my relationship with my older brother by having a shamanic soul retrieval. It helped a lot. And learning about our pre-birth contract last winter allowed even more healing. My most recent hypnotherapy session, where I cleared all foreign energies out of my connection to the divine was a significant step as well.
With all the progress I’ve made on this relationship, I recently decided it was time to let my older brother know that I spilled the secret to our younger brother. So I sent him a message and invited him to talk if he ever wanted.
Here’s where the grace comes in.
How do you know that things in a relationship have healed? When you can think of the other person and you’re no longer angry, sad, frustrated, or want to kill them. When you can communicate through letters and you don’t want to reach through the ethers and throttle them. When you can have a phone conversation with them and you still feel ok. When the charge that was between you is gone.
With so much anger gone, when my brother called, we had a really good talk about all sorts of things. About messed up family dynamics. About healing I’ve done. About damage our mother wrought on us. And more. My brother sincerely apologized (not the first time) for what he did to me, for what happened to me. And I heard and felt it.
He is not some monster.
As much as growing up was no picnic for me, it was no picnic for him either (in different ways).
Hopefully, there will be more conversations and further healing. It feels like the door of communication is finally open.