A few weeks ago, a grade A panic attack my son had, threw me into a tailspin. It began during a trip to an aquarium, and reached its crescendo as I was trying to find my way out of the city, through heavy traffic. I had all sorts of plans that incorporated the trip into our homeschooling. With the kid experiencing severe anxiety, there was no lingering to watch as the octopus was fed, or dipping our hands into the touch tank. The “educational” factor of the trip was minimal.
We moved through from exhibit to exhibit, quite quickly, leaving without so much as a souvenir. By the time we got home, almost two hours later, I was so worn out from trying to keep my shit together, that I was cooked. What really surprised me was when I was flattened for the next few days as well.
There have been periods of my adult life when I’ve dealt with depression, and a lot of it has had to do with an endocrine system that was not well in balance. I think I have a bit of an inherited predisposition to depression also, because it shows up just like my mother’s (she was bi-polar). There were a few years when I was needing to head back to bed by 10 am, but couldn’t because I had a baby/ toddler/ son to deal with. And there have been more than a few times when I’ve fantasized about driving into a big tree, or into a big ditch. With hormones pretty well-balanced for the past few years, and a fair bit of energy healing under my belt, depressive times have been fewer and farther in-between.
Because I noticed a distinct cause and effect, action and reaction, that wiped me out so thoroughly for three or four days, and it’s happened a number of times before, it was a perfect thing to analyze in hypnosis. So I did.
During the beginning of my hypnosis sessions, part of my hypnotherapist’s process is to have a guide come forth to work with me during the session. Over the past few years, it’s been interesting to see who comes forward. As I’ve changed, healed, evolved, the guide has changed as well. They’ve moved closer and closer to source. And this time, my Higher Self stepped forward for the first time.
She appeared as a woman in a long gown who was entirely shiny gold. Mother God stood just behind her, letting me know it was time for me to work with my Higher Self. If you are not familiar, I see my Higher Self as that part of my spirit that is directly connected to Source, to God.
As we got into the session and tapped into the feelings I was dealing with when my son was melting down, I followed threads of emotions that actually surprised me. I felt lots of frustration that finally became anger. What I noticed was how strongly the emotions came up while I was in hypnosis, but when I was with my son, I couldn’t even begin to allow these emotions to exist. I was completely detached from them. At that moment, I realized that I didn’t have permission to feel or express my own feelings.
I was supposed to be a good mother and supposed to be supportive of my child. Lots of judgment. I pushed my own feelings down so I wouldn’t feel them.
At this point, my hypnotherapist directed me to ask my Higher Self what I needed to do. I needed to go back and see where this belief was first created. Following that emotional thread back in time, I saw my very young self picking up on my mother’s thoughts of, “I don’t want to have to deal with your shit. What a pain in the ass. Why do I have to put up with this crap? Why don’t you just do what I tell you to do? Why won’t you just do what I want you to do?” I absorbed these thoughts and feelings from Mom.
What was different about this session from previous ones, was that I was able to observe my younger self picking all of this up from Mom, but I wasn’t feeling my little one’s actual emotions (the way I usually do in a session). Then I realized that I couldn’t feel them because they were no longer in my cells. I was merely experiencing an echo of what used to be with me; something I’d already shifted and healed.
With this realization, my spirit felt light and joyous, but my body was still not ok. My chest felt tight and as if there were a big rock sitting on it. We weren’t quite done.
So, I was directed to ask my Higher Self again what was needed. But when I tried to talk with her, a caped and hooded figure covered her. All I could see was a high collar, a large hood, and floor length cape, all black, that seemed alive. What I felt was pure evil. It felt like the Devil.
I could see that every time I tried to connect to my Higher Self, this Devil creature would get in my way and prevent me from doing so. It would cover her (my HS) and block her from me. It enjoyed messing with me, fucking with me. When I was directed to look at this dark, shadowy, evil presence, I immediately tapped into fear.
I followed the thread of fear.
It didn’t take long for the epiphany to hit my brain and the tears to flow.
The phrase “I don’t have permission to exist,” was front and center. I knew it went back lifetimes. I knew that I had had many lifetimes where I knew things intuitively that I wasn’t supposed to know, and things that it wasn’t safe for me to know. I was completely connected to my intuition, and it got me killed time after time.
The reason people were so frightened by my being connected to my intuition, was if they accepted it, then it gave them permission to also become connected to their own intuition. And this frightened them horribly. They were so terrified at the possibility of being connected to the divine, being connected to their own wisdom and truths, that they killed me again and again. They were so very disconnected.
The reason it wasn’t ok to be connected to your own wisdom and truth is because when you are connected, you are no longer controllable by fear. You know the truth of everything and you can’t be swayed by fear. And the powers that be have always been in the dark, disconnected, and use fear to control people. A free man can’t be controlled by anything or anyone other than their own truth.
Many times, the cost of being awake has been death.
I saw this thread go back through lifetime after lifetime, as far back as the first time my soul ever incarnated into the body of a slave. The enslavers want their slaves to be ignorant, obedient, and spiritually asleep so they can be controlled. And apparently, there were many times when I was not asleep, or ignorant, and probably not very obedient or controllable. Reminds me of what’s been going on for me over the past few years.
I could see that in today’s world, if we were able to fully embody our true power, the power to love unconditionally and the power to manifest out of thin air, we wouldn’t need or want any “things”. We wouldn’t be dependent on oil or Earth’s other precious resources. We wouldn’t be dependent on big oil because we could get energy from thin air. A 14 yr. old boy recently created something that generates power from our atmosphere.
Huge multinational companies (I include organized religion) who control our planet with their money, power, greed and fear, wouldn’t exist. They carry so much fear of losing their wealth and power that they would kill for it (such as starting wars). They have a vested interest in keeping the public ignorant and spiritually asleep. Not being controlled by fear would set everyone free.
The thing is, people who are free, and who have fantastic solutions for our societies and for our planet are a big threat to the powers at be, and they have and are still today, being killed for it. It is still not completely safe to be 100% connected to the divine and to be able to do things like manifest everything you need from thin air.
After seeing all of that, the dark, shadowy being disappeared. My fear was instantly gone. My chest felt light and expansive, and music started to play. The music I heard was Hail to the Chief (the tune they always play for the President). This was new, as I usually hear a conga music. With the epiphany and light, joyous feeling, I knew a huge shift happened.
I know when big changes have happened when a new guide comes in to work with me, and in this particular session’s case, that the music that came in at the end was new and different. I am evolving.
And the proof that this actually made a real shift has been happening over the last several days. My son has been experiencing daily anxiety and panic attacks this past week because I started taking him to a tutor, and his “school” trigger has been coming up in a huge way.
Instead of becoming extremely frustrated and pissed off, I have been pretty damned calm. It hasn’t gone perfectly, but I’m so beyond thrilled by not wanting to throttle my kiddo for more than a quick moment. His anxiety about school is still very much alive in him, and I’m hoping I’ve found something that will actually make a difference (after looking and trying a variety of things over the past six years).