Not The Best Day

I try to stay positive. So fucking positive. And then there are the times when I’m at my wit’s end, so absolutely done and want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I know in my brain that this is the normal swing of things: there are highs and there are lows. There are the times when I’m so in the flow it’s crazy easy, and times when my feet are stuck in cement, and I completely give up. Such is life in a human body.

Sometimes I hate being stuck in a human body. I hate feeling so disconnected from Source, from God. And I hate feeling hopeless and bereft. I swear there is a part of me that is still crying, grieving the veil that came down when I incarnated. Mourning the loss of feeling that I am unconditionally loved and supported.

And no, I don’t tap into this feeling of love when I try to meditate. I’m even a flunky with that.

It’s rage, it’s sorrow, it’s hopelessness and disappointment. It’s anger and fear all rolled into one.

It’s the feeling of not caring if I were to disappear, or drop off the face of the earth. It’s the longing for the love of a mother that I never felt, and the love of God that I’ve only felt once. It’s raging against the invisible, grasping air.

I know that love comes from within; I preach it to myself and everyone I know. And yet, there are times when the well has run dry. The spigot has rusted shut, and I don’t give a damned.

I try and try in life, and just when I think I’m making headway, whammo! My face is slammed into the dirt. My hands and heart are bound with duct tape and zip ties, immobilized.

My brain has a field day with me, chasing me this way and that, dredging up the past and projecting me into the future; fucking with me all the way.

I just don’t care anymore. I can’t care because it hurts too much. I’m so done.

*I know that these feelings will pass. It’s what being human is all about. But it’s no picnic when they come for a visit. For me, writing them out helps them leave; and usually, I have a journal for this purpose. But today, I felt like putting them here. So if you’re having a crappy day, know that you’re not alone, but also know it will change.

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5 thoughts on “Not The Best Day

  1. Oh man, I do not like reading this from my biggest cheerleader…but you are human, too…just like me. I’m glad you shared. I think this is the perfect outlet for it. And I’m glad today is a new day, my friend⭐️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for being here. Yup. Some days are absolute crap. But!!! I’m getting better and better at moving through it and not lingering too long. For me, writing can be really cathartic, and just writing it all out helped a lot.

      Like

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