I try to stay positive. So fucking positive. And then there are the times when I’m at my wit’s end, so absolutely done and want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I know in my brain that this is the normal swing of things: there are highs and there are lows. There are the times when I’m so in the flow it’s crazy easy, and times when my feet are stuck in cement, and I completely give up. Such is life in a human body.
Sometimes I hate being stuck in a human body. I hate feeling so disconnected from Source, from God. And I hate feeling hopeless and bereft. I swear there is a part of me that is still crying, grieving the veil that came down when I incarnated. Mourning the loss of feeling that I am unconditionally loved and supported.
And no, I don’t tap into this feeling of love when I try to meditate. I’m even a flunky with that.
It’s rage, it’s sorrow, it’s hopelessness and disappointment. It’s anger and fear all rolled into one.
It’s the feeling of not caring if I were to disappear, or drop off the face of the earth. It’s the longing for the love of a mother that I never felt, and the love of God that I’ve only felt once. It’s raging against the invisible, grasping air.
I know that love comes from within; I preach it to myself and everyone I know. And yet, there are times when the well has run dry. The spigot has rusted shut, and I don’t give a damned.
I try and try in life, and just when I think I’m making headway, whammo! My face is slammed into the dirt. My hands and heart are bound with duct tape and zip ties, immobilized.
My brain has a field day with me, chasing me this way and that, dredging up the past and projecting me into the future; fucking with me all the way.
I just don’t care anymore. I can’t care because it hurts too much. I’m so done.
*I know that these feelings will pass. It’s what being human is all about. But it’s no picnic when they come for a visit. For me, writing them out helps them leave; and usually, I have a journal for this purpose. But today, I felt like putting them here. So if you’re having a crappy day, know that you’re not alone, but also know it will change.