Betraying Myself: The Deepest Cut of All

A few weeks ago, there was something I wanted to investigate using my favorite energy healing tool: hypnosis. Nerves in my body had been on my mind. There are a few in particular that have been talking to me for a while now, like my sciatic, but then my mind wandered to my nervous system in general. I was thinking about how a nervous system develops in a baby and in a child when it’s chronically stressed, as mine undoubtedly did.

Experiencing chronic stress from a mentally ill and sometimes abusive mother must have had an effect on how my nervous system developed. I know that I’ve had traumatic reactions during my life that caught me by surprise, and now I recognize them for what they were. With the powerful tool of hypnotherapy, I wanted to see what could be healed.

Sitting down with my hypnotherapist, we talked over my intentions for the session, and began. Instead of assuming what will come forth, my hypnotherapist asks me to notice what I notice. After taking me into the focused state of hypnosis, my hypnotherapist had me picture a white light above my head. An intelligent and healing light that I flowed down through my entire body. I noticed it passed through much of my body, filling it with a wonderful energy. After a while, I was asked to look toward the white light and see who wanted to come forward to accompany me this session.

The odd thing was, no one came forward this time. For several sessions, Mother God had helped me, and very recently my higher self stepped forward. But this day, no additional intermediary came forth, so off we went. (I later learned that I no longer needed the help of a guide acting as intermediary between me and higher knowledge, which is why none came forward at that time).

I was asked to scan my body to notice what came up. About this time, I heard a voice tell me, “You got this.” One of my guides, John The Baptist, must have been hanging out in the background, because I recognized this as classic John. My consummate cheerleader.

As I looked at my body, I noticed fear around it and my brain. As I tuned into the fear, it was fear of death. Fear that stepping into my own knowing, connecting to my intuition, being connected to Source and all its information, would get me killed as it had in many past lives. When I looked at my brain, I saw pathways of fear woven through it. I knew that many of these pathways were because of beliefs that I took on; beliefs that are not my truth. Then I saw the image of a piece of a nerve. It was black and was obviously not well, the blackness representing fear.

I received the message that the body was not designed to hold onto fear. It was designed to feel fear and then process it through and out of the system. Holding onto fear creates pain and disease in the body. In that moment, I knew that areas of my body that experience chronic pain, are holding onto old fear. And with that knowledge, I can heal them.

Seeing the nerve, that it was black, I next saw a little movie play out, showing the blackness burn off, leaving healthy nerve in its place. I knew I could get this to happen but didn’t know how to get the process started. Then I noticed that Archangel Michael was there with me.

He stood directly in front of me, his massive winged self reassuring me that as soon as I gave him the word, he’d get the healing rolling. I wanted to give him permission, but for some reason I couldn’t. It was the weirdest thing. Most of me was all in, but there was a little niggling piece of me that wasn’t on board. In fact, when I focused on her, she felt very young and was pitching a fit.

I looked at this very young part of me and saw that she was not wanting to cooperate with me at all. Not for a minute. She was telling me “nope, I don’t believe or trust you. It’s not going to happen. You lied to me when you said it was going to be so great to have a life in a body. It hasn’t been great at all. It’s been hard and painful.” She was thinking about life with Mom.

I was trying to figure out how to make this part of me happy. I kept thinking about how she didn’t believe me and she didn’t trust me, and then I thought about how a part of me didn’t trust the rest of me. Then it moved into, I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust God. I don’t trust Divine Intuition. That was the key. A tsunami of tears fell at the thought of my not trusting myself.

The wave of deep sorrow and remorse for letting myself down hit me full force. Every time I didn’t trust myself, didn’t trust my own intuition, didn’t trust The Divine talking to me,  or trust God, I was blocking my own light. I was disrespecting myself and shutting myself off from my own Source Energy and my Light. I apologized to that piece of me over and over and over. I kept telling her how much I love her, and I was hugging her with all the love I could muster.

All the little pieces of myself that had been shut off or blocked, every time I hadn’t trusted my intuition, or honored or loved myself, suddenly appeared. Where one piece had stood, there were now many (perhaps a thousand). They all came back to me. Massive soul retrieval. It took a little while, but eventually all these pieces of me accepted my apology, forgave me, and were happy once again.

With the energy shifted, I saw my nerves becoming cleaned off. Blackness burned off, leaving healthy tissue behind. After a little while, the nerves took on sparkly golden divine Source Energy. When I looked at Archangel Michael, he was standing there as a conduit of Source Energy.

Source Energy flowed into him and out from him, facilitating this process. He helped to hold the Source Energy for me. The intensity and incredible power of love that he held was amazing. His capacity to hold very powerful love knows no end and no bounds. I knew that the process would continue for as long as it needed: for all the dark and blackness to be burned off every nerve in me, so healthy nerve tissue would return. And for the energy to become that of my divine self. I saw the nerve sparkle with golden energy.

I got the message that my nervous system is all better, and that when my body is relaxed and not threatened, my nerves will be ok now and will be at rest. They won’t perceive a death threat when my life is not actually threatened.

With all my nerves turning sparkly golden with divine Source Energy, I knew the process was finishing up. All the little orphan parts of me had returned, and the Conga music started up. As happens at the end of my sessions, the mood was very festive with Conga music and dancing. I wondered to myself, why do I always hear Conga music? And in that moment, the answer hit me as I saw all my formerly orphaned parts jump in line behind me, joining the Conga line. In alignment. Of course!

The message today for me was one of betrayal of self and of forgiveness. I saw a picture in my mind of Source Energy feeding me, enlivening me, providing energy and information to me, and each time I didn’t trust myself or I didn’t love myself, I blocked Source Energy from myself (it was blocking my own light and energy from myself). I didn’t respect myself. In communicating with an orphaned part of myself, I learned that the deepest betrayal is betraying oneself.

By apologizing to myself heart to heart, forgiveness at the cellular level happened. In forgiving myself, it’s opening me back up to all parts of myself. It’s opening me back up to receiving Divine Love and receiving me. It’s bringing more of me back to me. It’s reclaiming myself. I once was lost, but now I’m found.


3 thoughts on “Betraying Myself: The Deepest Cut of All

    • Yup. All in one session. They have been huge lately. Just huge. I think it’s a combination of where I am, having stripped away as much as I have, and the energies of the time. I have 2 more sessions after this one that I’m writing up. In fact, the next one up was so big that I had to take a bigger break between sessions than usual. After another one or two sessions, I’m probably going to have to take a break for a while to let all the shifts and changes settle from the energy realm into my physical body.


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