How do I write about something I barely understand in some ways?
How can I describe an experience I’ve been going through that most in my culture neither understands, nor accepts as real and valid? And when faced with it, often confuses it for mental illness?
If you have ever had a near death experience, you might begin to understand what my last few months have been like; but then again, probably not.
Our culture is so completely unaware of ourselves as spiritual beings that having an extreme spiritual experience can be very isolating. How do I talk about having a complete Kundalini Awakening when our society doesn’t understand what Kundalini energy is and what it does in a body and mind? The closest understanding Christians have to it is the crucifixion and resurrection process. But Christians aren’t taught that it’s a process that people still experience today – we are taught it was a single event that happened to one person in history.
Jesus wasn’t the first person in history to experience a complete spiritual awakening, and he won’t be the last. And yes, the story of his awakening is very significant to the world as a whole.
How do I talk about what people call a dark night of the soul, when the closest language we have for it is hell? When neurons in my head were dying off so fast and furious that I could barely sleep or eat for days, and the fear and paranoia that were being sparked by the dying neurons created a living hell. As much as I was completely conscious of what was happening, it was hell nonetheless.
How do I relate to the world and to myself when I’ve changed so much in a few short months that I barely know who I am anymore? Even when I intentionally created the change. I had no idea what the experience of integration would be like. None.
People on a path of spiritual perfection or of healing are always people who feel lost or fragmented in some way. They are always people who feel like they are missing something in their lives, or who are in a lot of pain. It is a helpful path for many. And the irony is, for me, I’ve only ever wanted to feel better. I have never sought out the “spiritual” path, and yet, here I sit, coming out the other side of an experience that many purposely seek and dream of having. They seek it because they believe if they do this thing or do that thing, it will make all of their dreams come true, bring them salvation, stop their pain, make them feel whole, whatever.
In my case, it has brought a huge part of myself back. And the more the experience becomes integrated into my mind and body, the better I feel. But there are days when I’m still in so many pieces that the extreme unfamiliarity of myself is beyond challenging.
I guess the extreme change I’m dealing with is in many ways similar to when someone has a major change happen in their life that they didn’t expect: being handed a cancer diagnosis, having your child or spouse die, losing your job, your home, or your relationship. When these things happen, life as you have known it is over. Done. Ended. Gone forever. You have to become used to a new normal. Sink or swim.
There is a grief process, a time of letting go of the old and allowing the new. A time of welcoming everything and anything that comes along with as open arms as possible. In spiritual terms, letting go of what no longer serves me, what no longer works for me, and embracing every moment as it is, without judging it, without worry about the future or regretting the past.
The more I can remind myself that the only moment in time that is real is right now, that the only moment I have to deal with is right now, the easier life is to handle. And in this very moment, everything is exactly as it is supposed to be. It is always perfect.
As my mind, body and soul begin to come back together, I’ll share as I can. But there are days when all I can do for now is what I refer to as TLC first aid. Tend to my body as best as I can, allowing time to pass so my brain can continue to rewire and cells in my body can turn over in response to the massive shift in the energy template that holds everything in place.
In case you weren’t aware, everything about our physical structure is held in place by the unification of our soul’s energy and our human beliefs, both conscious and unconscious. The more we can allow love to flow through our human structure, the more healthy and self-repairing it can be, and the more easily our life flows overall. This is simply allowing all of our thoughts and behaviors to be acceptable, and in fact, to not hold any judgment of them at all, but to allow them to flow through. This is loving as God loves.
I find that it’s when I resist a thought or feeling, that I create a sort of magnetism to it, bringing it back again and again. The more I can allow my thoughts and feelings, and watch them without taking ownership of them, and without trying to force them away, the more easily my thoughts turn to ones of acceptance. In fact, when I can lovingly embrace pain and thoughts, even ones of anger, jealousy, vengeance, anger, sadness and frustration, as if they are a very small child who is hurting, the quieter the voices become, and the more my entire being resonates with love.
The name of the human game is to learn to love ourselves. All of us.
When life brings us extreme emotional or physical pain, we are faced with the most incredible opportunity of all: to continue pushing against whatever created the pain in the first place, or to simply surrender and accept ourselves and all of the shit.
But in the meanwhile, as much as I’ve been going through tremendous change on a spiritual and the physical level, I’m still a wife and mother, dealing with the very real life of managing a household, raising a child, and being a loving and devoted wife. Many people who go through extreme life changes, leave marriages, move into new homes, and have to adjust to life without a loved one being in it.
In my case, the extreme changes are allowing me to interact more fully within my own existing life. Because I have been cracked open wide and can more fully allow love to flow through me, I not only feel tons more love for myself, but for everyone and everything in my life. It is an amazing and very good thing.
And as with all extreme change, the process to get to where I’m getting has been a real mix of pure unmitigated hell, and amazing grace and love.
Stay tuned for practical words of wisdom as I process and further understand life, looking through new lenses of love. In the meanwhile, I’ll be chopping wood and carrying water because life is real, y’all.