Fragmented

Lately, it feels like I’m being stripped to the bone, going through this Kundalini awakening, or ascension process, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

I am letting go of such deep and ancient painful crap in my body and energy field that I’m very literally healing this lifetime plus others.

I become triggered. A storm of emotion rises up. A phrase hits my brain.

“I’m broken.”

“We always hurt the ones we love.”

“I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take.”

And more.

These are the phrases that ran through my mind as my brain separated me from my heart when I was a child.

The phrases come up and my heart connects with myself in another time. She’s been stuck there and I help free her so her energy can come back to me in the here and now.

I’ve been having a rollercoaster of a time lately, with old, strongly held beliefs rising up and leaving: hard, fast, and deep. Letting go with tears and sobs.

The integration period afterwards is nightmarish. I don’t recommend it.

For the first time in my life, I think I can relate a little bit to someone who has experienced a brain injury; waking up not feeling like myself, not knowing who I am, losing vocabulary words, having very little mental or physical energy. Except that I know this is a temporary process.

And after time passes, I will feel like me again. I will wake up and recognize the feeling of me in my head. Along with feeling like me, I see the world through different eyes; through less reactive, less judgmental eyes. So, I am permanently changed, but instead of having fewer physical or mental capabilities, I end up having more.

I’ve wanted to post for a long time, but maintaining a stream of thought is too hard right now. So this will be short and sweet.

Today I woke up feeling pretty well. Spent some time on the computer checking e-mail and such, and remembered I had to pay bills. By the time I was done paying bills I had triggered myself and more old pain rose up and left as I cried. By that point I finally got hungry and had to eat something (during this process there are times I can’t eat and times when I get hungry and must eat without too much delay). Soon thereafter, fatigue hit and I had to close my eyes for about forty-five minutes so I’d have energy to meet with a friend. At this point it was not even 10 am yet.

Not even ten in the morning and I was already trashed. Spent. After a quick, not very restorative sleep I met with a dear girlfriend, and we spent four hours having lunch and catching up. After that, I made a quick stop into a nearby shop and by the time I was climbing into my car to drive home, the exhaustion began to hit again.

I stayed up for less than an hour before I gave in and climbed into bed. Sleep was a storm of shit going through my mind that I was so aware of, it felt like I wasn’t even sleeping. A few hours later, I woke up, too hot, too thirsty, and unrested.

My body temperature swings between being too chilly and then too warm; sometimes within a day and sometimes over the course of several days. Massive releases of energy cause me to become cold. And when my body finally allows new energy to flow into me, I can get a bit warm until my body adjusts to my new energy field. Or I climb into bed, chilled and tired, wearing too many clothes, only to wake up too hot. It’s hard to explain.

That’s the hardest part of all of this – it’s hard to explain. I’m a person who makes sense of her world with words. And I’m really struggling to find words lately. And I’m struggling to string them together. Flow begins and dead ends.