A few weeks ago I went down the rabbit hole again, diving into my unconscious mind, asking my Higher Self what was ready to leave. Because Kundalini energy is still quite active in my body, it’s pushing all sorts of forms of inner disconnection up to the surface where I use healing methods to address and reconnect what needs to be attended to. My favorite modality being working with a hypnotherapist. These days, a spiritual hypnotherapist.
Sometimes when I have a healing session there’s something in particular I want to address, but there are times I can’t recognize anything specific, so we simply ask my Higher Self, the spiritual wisdom so integrally connected with Source Energy, what’s ready to be addressed and healed. And as I release more and more of what’s not in alignment with my soul, my perspective of life changes to one of more understanding and compassion.
After my hypnotherapist talked me down until I was fully relaxed and focused on her voice, she had me enter my sacred space. A room I pictured in my mind that is filled with healing light and comfy chairs. It’s a warm and welcoming place, yet this time I struggled to feel comfortable. As soon as I got there, inner disconnection was raring to go, wanting to be recognized.
The moment my hypnotherapist asked my Higher Self what was ready to be released that day, a voice quickly replied.
“I don’t even fucking know.”
I could tell I was connected to an aspect of myself who was generally upset. She felt like a teenager. I could tell she was upset about something, but I didn’t know what. She was very angry. She kept repeating “Fuck You!!” and pointing to me. She said, “It’s all your fault.” “You stupid bitch!”
I decided to let her speak as much as she wanted. Then she said, “Oh, now you want to hear me speak? NOW you want to hear me? Before it was all Shut up – close your mouth – don’t say a word – pretend like it never happened.” She’s upset about having to keep her mouth shut about… stuff. It feels like more than one thing. It was every time she had to bite her tongue or not speak up. She’s VERY angry. Angry about every time she wanted to speak up and I would shut her up. [I’d shut her up so she wouldn’t get attacked by our mother, for example.] She’s got a real potty mouth today. She was saying, “You assholes are killing me!!”
Hypnotherapist: Sounds like a lot of stuff’s been bottled up for a long time.
Me: Yeah. And she says it’s not fair. (Getting a little bit emotional). “Nobody listens to me.”
Hypnotherapist: We are listening now.
I let this inner aspect of myself speak her truth. As I looked at her, I saw her neck. But it wasn’t a regular neck. It looked like a section of tree trunk covered by skin, and the trunk was solidly plugging up her neck and her ability to speak up for herself. It was wider than her head, like a cartoon, and represented where she was stifled, muzzled.
Really pissed off, she said, “And how do you like that? Not fun, huh? And what are you going to do about it? Nothing. You’re not going to do a damned thing.”
Hypnotherapist: Well, what we can do is listen. If she could be heard, and she’s being heard now, what would she want to say? And who would she want to say it to?
Me: She’s showing me an army of people coming to help her out, killing all the idiots who made her shut up. I can see a battle field where there are all these soldiers on horseback riding toward her ready to kill all the idiots that made her shut her mouth, where she couldn’t speak. They’re attacking them, killing them.
Hypnotherapist: If that’s what she needs, that’s what she needs.
Me: It’s weird because even as that’s playing out, she’s like, no, that’s not right either. (She’s aware of karma and the revenge cycle). Starting to get upset. And then she’s looking at this neck that’s so big, like a tree trunk, and she says “I need to fix this.” She needs to fix her neck. This is not right.
Hypnotherapist: So, can we call in some Divine assistance to help heal her neck?
Me: I think so (crying).
And with that, my hypnotherapist invited in Divine help. The first thing I saw was a cartoon fairy godmother, like from a Disney movie, come in. But a moment later a scary, hairy, Sasquatch looking monster came and blocked the assistance.
When we asked who the monster was – what he represented – I knew that part of it represented my predatory older brother. And when my hypnotherapist asked what it would take for the monster to step aside and allow for the healing to take place, the monster said, “Never!”
When we asked why the monster was blocking the healing, the answer came quickly.
Me: (crying) He still wants my energy. And I can see the little one, and she’s just saying, “Asshole, asshole, get away from me.” And he’s just standing there saying, “Nope! I’m not moving an inch! I’m going to stand here like a brick wall.”
Hypnotherapist: He’s very stubborn.
Me: And the little one’s getting really frustrated…. cause she’s so small compared to him.
Hypnotherapist: So it sounds like we need some additional support here as well. Is there anything this monster needs to say?
Me: You know it’s funny… as soon as you said additional support I could see my younger self, who’s now younger than a teenager, and she’s just like, “Nope! I’ve got this!” She’s like, “I’m going to take care of this big, bad, bully!” (getting really emotional)
Hypnotherapist: Good! Yeah!
Me: (crying) She just said, “I’m going to kick him out!” He’s nothing but a weak, pitiful, asshole, bully.” She keeps saying, “I’m going to kick him to the curb.”
Hypnotherapist: Good! She’s amazing!
Me: I can see he’s still standing there. He hasn’t moved yet. She’s getting more confident and more fierce. Just like, “Screw you, asshole! You’re not taking any of my power anymore.” And I can see that she’s getting bigger – not older but physically larger. So instead of her being this teeny thing and the monster being really big, it’s sort of switching up so she’s getting really big and the monster is getting really small. She’s getting ready to kick him into outer space, but she’s not quite there. It’s weird… this big monster, he shrunk down and shrunk down and shrunk down and just as she’s about to kick him into outer space he just turned (massive epiphany and big sobbing release) …. he just turned into this little kitten. Like this tiny, helpless kitten. And it looks so pitiful. And she just wants to pick him up and hold him. It’s like she has nothing but love for this little, tiny, pitiful kitten. It’s just the most pitiful little thing. (still crying) It’s this little helpless thing, and she’s looking at it saying, “You really are this pitiful thing.”
(Another massive epiphany with an outburst of tears). And she said, “But I can’t take care of you. That’s not my job.” … and she sent the kitten back to God. And she said they’re going to take care of you. She’s just handing the kitten over to Jesus who’s going to take it back to God. It’s just this pitiful little thing who’s lost. Really lost. (taking a moment to breathe). And I can see Jesus walking away with him… heading for God with this little kitten.
Hypnotherapist: And how is the little girl and the older version of the little girl – the teenager, the young woman? How’s her neck?
Me: I looked back to the teenager and when I look at her neck it’s just perfect. And it’s funny because she was like, Oh! Wait a minute! There’s nothing wrong with my neck anymore. It’s perfect! She’s like… I feel great! Yeah. She’s moving her head all around, checking it out. Yup! Everything works great!
And with that, we finished up the session.
With the release and healing of this energetic block, the dysfunctional dynamic between me and my older, predatory brother has been healed. He was an energy vampire sucking my energy. And as I did healing work, I not only let go of the pain he caused me, but saw and released him.
Will this be the final layer healed between us? As much as it feels like it is, I can’t say for sure. Time will tell.
Because he’s family and is still alive, and because I care about his (now grown) children, it will likely take a while for things to fully sort themselves out.
In the meanwhile, lifetimes of choking back my truth, not being able to speak out for myself, came up to be addressed and healed on this day.