Between the recent full moon, the winter solstice, and Christmas, with the veil between worlds being quite thin this time of year and Kundalini energy vibrating and buzzing away in me, my heart is being cracked open, purging more darkness.
A few days before the solstice I was musing out loud into my voice recorder about Christ Consciousness, considering a Christmas blog post for my sister blog, Life Is a Journey… Not a Guided Tour, while simultaneously thinking about forgiveness, having recently listened to a podcast on the topic. And as I reminisced about having seen Jesus in a few healing sessions, I noted that he appears when things specifically to do with the heart need healing.
As I talked, I suddenly became very emotional out of the blue. I blubbered on about how our heart is the connection to the Divine and Jesus’ specialty is healing through the heart, and that religions push the concept of forgiveness on people. As I spoke, something deep inside was released and this is what came to me through the tears.
“Can I forgive myself? Can I forgive myself for what? Can I forgive myself for being human? For all those human moments? For times when I didn’t feel well and I opened my mouth and shit came out. When fear came out. When anything that was less than love came out.”
My seated body suddenly contorted in contraction as my breathing changed. A spontaneous kriya. My back arched and my head and shoulders pressed as far back as they could, arms and hands tucked and clenched by my sides, and torso muscles totally contracted, unable to breathe as I squeezed with all my might. Mouth open, my mind’s eye played a scene from the movie The Green Mile, after John Coffey healed using the light when he opened his mouth and all sorts of tiny fly-like bits of blackness flew out. With my entire torso in a big squeeze, it felt like I was squeezing all sorts of blackness out of me as energy deep inside shifted and let go. As forgiveness happened.
I coughed a bit and rolled with the contraction, describing what was going on because my voice recorder was still on, experiencing some more contraction until the kriya subsided, the entire episode lasting a mere three minutes from the first moments of becoming emotional until my body relaxed and I could breathe normally again.
Experiencing kriyas has been part of my Kundalini awakening, but it hasn’t happened in quite a while.
When my back was arched, it felt like my chest was splitting open. Like my heart was being torn or cracked open. In fact, I couldn’t throw my shoulders back far enough or expand my chest enough.
When my body finally settled down, the healing had been so intense that I was cooked. I was absolutely rumbling with Kundalini energy. It was hard to focus and after jabbering on for about another minute, my attention wavered to seeing that my kitchen floor needed to be vacuumed. So I wrapped up my commentary, got out my dustbuster for a quick clean-up, drank some water, and despite being exhausted by this whole event, went on with my day and went to bed early that night.
What happens after enlightenment? Chop wood and carry water; or in my case, vacuum and run errands. As much as I’d like a break from all of this healing and releasing, it’s happening on its own, whether I like it or not. And it’s all I can do to take care of myself and keep moving forward in my life.
As intense as the release was, I expected my massage the next day to be nothing but relaxing and enjoyable. Although I’ve been experiencing healing releases working with my current healing practitioner during therapeutic massages, I figured whatever had built up in me had been released, and that would be it for a while.
I figured wrong…
These releases I’ve been experiencing, as much as they pertain to me and lives I’ve lived, they also resonate with mass consciousness and what’s going on in the world. And they’re teaching me through direct experience about spiritual concepts like forgiveness and the human condition as my experience with duality is becoming more and more healed.
Merely talking and thinking about Jesus allowed my consciousness to shift, creating a deeper level of self-forgiveness for simply being human. Healing through my heart.
With each moment we’re able to forgive ourselves, our walk in the world becomes a bit lighter.