Here We Are Again

They say it’s darkest before the light. The overcast sky today matches my state of being. My mood. My physical energy. I’m surprised I got in a shower.

I dip my toe into spiritual videos, drinking in higher wisdom and virtually communing with people I resonate with, only to disconnect and live in my own mind and body. I force myself out for a drive, out on an errand. I force myself to interact with the world because it grounds me. I have to get out of the house and away from our place when my mind is an ugly shit-storm of crap thoughts I know are lies. Yet they fill my head.

I wish I could spill all the shit but the people around me would take it as my truth. The last time I shared, it sent the person I was talking with into a tailspin of anxiety. People don’t do well when I speak their unhealed crap they’ve buried deep down.

After waking up from a full night’s sleep, my mind is anything but quiet and calm these days. I’ve been given advice like, meditate. Go sit with your thoughts until they dissipate and quiet. But my world is inside out. Trying to sit in peace and quiet only allows the furvor to get louder. What helps is going out and interacting with the public, which is hard to do when I’m exhausted. I sleep all night and wake up exhausted.

Kundalini energy is the grand eruptor. It pushes and pushes. It stirs the unconscious mind looking for duality. What else is in here that can come up and be healed?

For many people, after several months or a few years of upheaval, their Kundalini energy settles in. They’ve integrated and resumed their new lives. But even my experience of Kundalini awakening isn’t normal comparing it to the handful of people in my area I know who’ve been through it. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be let off this tilt-a-whirl.

Just when I thought I was coming out the other end of what feels like a tunnel of intense healing, beginning to feel like myself again, it only lasted a few days. Since then I’ve been back on the train of squeeze, release, squeeze, release. The light at the end of the tunnel has been pretty dim again. But it’s definitely there. Just dim.

Maybe the repressed memory I accessed at the end of March, a memory of early violation that seems to have become a catalyst for healing more at that time of my life is the final major hurdle. I can only hope.

Before Kundalini energy opened I’d evolved from blaming myself for decades for being sexually violated to realizing I was truly a victim after finally entering therapy and becoming enraged at my abuser, to reclaiming my power and healing anger after working with a really effective hypnotherapist for a few years. In fact, I’d healed so deeply and learned enough about my abuser to feel pity and some compassion for him. All the anger was gone. And when all attachment to him left me in one moment, after going through steps to be completely free from him, I thought all was said and done with regard to that relationship. Almost two years ago.

So when more came up I was shocked. I thought I was done with this shit.

Dumped back into dredging up not just stuff from childhood, but going back lifetimes. Lifetimes I’ve danced with this same soul. Dredging up fear, pain, anger. Letting it rip during healing sessions, coming out the other side with more spiritual wisdom and clarity. Only to be followed by uncomfortable integration. And then still more stuff bubbling up, saying, “Hey! Wait for me! We’re not done here.”

The truth is because healing sessions are cathartic and bring through all sorts of spiritual wisdom that becomes part of me, I love them. Using hypnotherapy and being able to dive into discomfort because I’m separated from it, it’s easy to access my inner world. And after days of feeling off, feeling unwell, the release is so welcomed. I also love a good story. They are parables.

Today is a day for lying low. I’ll get a few basic things done around the house and lie low. There isn’t any energy to do much more. I have days when I’m just getting through them, like today. No fun. Only a week until my next healing session. My next release. And then six days, then five, then four, three, two, one, then ahhh! Sweet release and relief.

Are we there yet?

It’s so weird to have come so far, yet not have my outside match my inner world. Yet.

One day.

2 thoughts on “Here We Are Again

  1. I have not been through the difficult abuse you’ve described. But, I’ve been through therapy with a phenomenal therapist for different reasons. I was surprised that after some time in therapy, I had forgiven those that hurt me (emotionally/mentally). I suddenly realized that the weight of resentment had lifted, and I felt sorry for them. When they died, I found my resentment and anger was fueled again. They left this plane without ever apologizing to me. I was mad. My therapist told me that even after we’ve forgiven, anger could get stirred up again. It’s not uncommon. It would fade as long as I continued the work on myself. It actually took some time – a couple of years – but the anger didn’t consume me like it did before the first time I forgave.

    Glad you’re taking care of you. Hugs and continued healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for reading and I appreciate the work you’ve done. It’s not easy. And yes, healing comes in cycles and layers. The good thing is once we’ve found something that works we know how to deal with whatever comes up. Thank goodness for therapy and healing!

      Liked by 1 person

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