Having traumatic memories spontaneously return can’t happen unless and until that part of us who was traumatized feels a sense of safety to do so. And this often takes years, if not decades. It’s not uncommon for people in their thirties, forties, and later to experience this.
By definition trauma hides in our minds. It lives there, oftentimes very quietly. Until it doesn’t.
As children, we seek love. Watch me! See me! Validate and accept me! When we’re feeling bored or out of sorts there’s an impulse to seek out love and connection. And when these attempts are repeatedly met with rejection or perversion, the psyche eventually reaches a breaking point that cements in trauma.
Part of our awareness, our inner child, our small self goes underground. Tucks into a cave. Hides in a closet. Becomes part of our shadow. Becomes the human condition.
It’s not uncommon for people who were victimized as children to repress events as I have. Trauma can be so destabilizing that the mind has to deny it. The devastation creates a host of inner beliefs that allow the victim to stay here in this physical experience. And yes, coping mechanisms that were borne from these traumatic events can look like anything from chronic stress and anxiety to depression, a host of addictions, and even suicide.
When people spontaneously recover memories of trauma, like having been abused or molested as a child, it will throw them into a tailspin. Something they experienced as a child can come back in a flash or series of flashes and take them right back into the trauma. And the rest of their lives include either trying to run away from the memories or working for years in therapy.
I’ll never forget watching a television show about a woman, Ruby, who weighed 550 pounds and went on the show to lose weight. She worked with nutritionists, doctors, trainers, and a counselor to help drop 220 pounds. And somewhere into her journey, she began to remember having been molested. The show didn’t talk a lot about it, but she acknowledged having an addiction to food, and I’m sure it was borne out of having been molested.
Doing a quick search about her story, I see she’s still battling with her weight, and may not even understand how to heal her trauma or how it’s connected to her food addiction. But she acknowledged that food addiction is one of the most difficult addictions to deal with because you can’t quit food the way a person can quit drugs or other addictions.
I very intimately understand my relationship with food. Courtesy of hypnotic regression, I’ve seen events in my very young life that helped establish food as my “medicine” and have addressed a host of emotional triggers I used to live with. I’ve had sessions that successfully addressed sugar and other food cravings.
Back in 2014 when I reached my all-time highest weight, I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. My naturopathic doctor recommended a book to me and between reading the book and implementing dietary changes and having a few healing sessions with my first spiritual hypnotherapist to deal with food cravings, within six months my blood sugar was back to normal. And over about a year and a half I’d lost 95 pounds, and it felt easy!
After about a year of reclaiming my health and having a healing session every few months, Kundalini energy flew open. And that’s when all my efforts to lose weight and “get healthy” took a major pause.
Since then I’ve been on such an intense healing journey that much of life has felt like pure survival. A dark night of the soul. And unfortunately, my body has become quite heavy again, with things like high blood pressure and diabetes back in my life.
As soon as I’ve healed something, another thing bubbles up. And just as I thought I was coming out of the woods after five long years, two months ago a childhood memory of trauma resurfaced.
This sort of thing, as I already mentioned would throw anyone into a tailspin and requires usually years of therapy to even begin to process the trauma. But because the memory came back in a hypnotherapy session I was able to affect healing right away. The trauma was so fracturing that it actually took two sessions to recover and process the memory alone. And sessions beyond remembering the event have brought karmic closure, healing lifetimes of swapping the role of dominator and victim. Beyond that, I’ve been releasing rage, which has taken a few healing sessions to date. Not only rage from my youth, but rage from every lifetime I spent with this soul as his victim.
As much as my day-to-day existence has been gradually improving over the past few years, the past nine months have had their own special challenges. With the past two months being especially rough, processing the repressed traumatic memory. So yes, after having lost weight when diabetes came back a few years ago, I’ve gained weight since last October. The thing is, as much as I dislike being this heavy, I simultaneously have an absolute ton of compassion for my body and what it’s doing for me despite its struggles.
Cut to having a check-up with my doctor today. She’s very open-minded and has listened to me talk about my Kundalini awakening for over five years now. One of the things I appreciate about her is her willingness to learn about things she may not understand, and during my appointments, she’s brought up books and people in our area she thinks could help me.
Today she talked about how certain types of therapy can actually rewire our brain and mentioned a psychiatrist who’s been using psychotropic medicine in therapy to help her patients who’ve experienced trauma. Apparently, the patients’ brains are being rewired and they are experiencing dramatic healing as compared to only using talk therapy.
I sat and patiently listened. Yes. Brains can be rewired. And every healing session I have rewires my brain and changes my perception of myself and my life for the better. Without any psychotropic medicine needed. Accessing a higher level of consciousness when healing, whether it’s using a drug, plant medicine, or hypnotherapy, not only rewires our brain but changes our DNA. But for those who can’t do this using hypnotherapy, or who need to find something their insurance will cover, I’m sure this psychiatrist is a godsend.
Talking about my weight struggles over the past eight months, my doc brought up a local nutritional counseling business that practices the Intuitive Eating model. She thought it might be a good fit for me, and in general, it sounded like something I’d go for. But what she doesn’t fully comprehend is a lot of my weight gain is because I’m chronically exhausted and weak. We spent several months working to improve my energy and nothing I took or did made a difference. It’s just the way my body is reacting to the depth of healing I’m doing.
As I see it, my issue isn’t a lack of knowledge of how to eat well for my body, or following my intuition when it comes to eating. I’ve had nutritional counseling a few times in my life and I’ve even worked with two nutritional intuitives. My issue is that I still don’t feel like myself and I’m still often tired.
When I feel like myself, food issues disappear as they did for three days in the beginning of April. And as my higher self keeps telling me, I’m getting there. I will feel like myself again. I will pop out the other side of the process I’m going through. And when I do, all sorts of weight will fall off and my body will regain health quickly. This I know. It’s been coming through in every healing session lately.
An expression that often comes to mind is that a person isn’t truly dead until they’re warm and dead (referring to someone who’s hypothermic and who has no pulse and isn’t breathing but could possibly be revived). In my case, my physical condition isn’t truly representative of me until I feel like myself again. Until I feel fully present again, which I still don’t.
I left my doctor’s office a little irritated because she doesn’t hear me. I tell her about the effects of all the healing work I’m doing and at the next visit, she recommends someone she came across doing what I’m already doing, but much less effectively. Or she brings up a book that touts the mind-body connection that I’ve been telling her about for years. Not only have I known about the connection, but I’ve healed all sorts of things. I know she means well and I actually do appreciate her, but nothing she’s brought up has been helpful.
Reflecting for a moment, I might have actually been picking up on her frustration because she finds all these innovative things to help me and I reject so many of them. As much as I was pretty damned sure my tiredness wasn’t going to be improved by taking any supplements, I spent around 3 months over the winter and at least a few hundred dollars following her recommendations with zero improvements.
And to be honest, what I’m going through is quite out of her wheelhouse. I usually don’t say much about my healing work, but today I did. Which is probably why my Higher Self sent me a message this morning.
The message was to trust the process I’m going through. I literally received that message 3 times today. Trust the process. When I was new to signs and synchronicities, seeing or hearing the same message three times let me know spirit was talking to me. Today I got it the first time I heard it, but still received it two more times.
Because we’re all going through something at some time or another, I’m writing all this to pass on the same message. Trust the process you’re going through. When you’re going through the shit, keep going. You will eventually gain clarity and find more peace about it.