When the Monster Under the Bed is Real

One of the things I’m fascinated with is star beings. Extraterrestrials. I love listening to people talk about their ET experiences, especially as it relates to consciousness. And as I listened to John Yost’s account of being absolutely terrified by an ET encounter when he was seven, I couldn’t help but think back to my childhood. Memories of a monster coming to me at night, sent by my soul to ultimately help raise my consciousness.

In John’s case, he was silenced by his father at age seven and didn’t talk about what happened for forty-five years. In my case, I was also silenced by my father. And after a psychiatrist helped cement shame in place by blaming me for what happened, I was extremely reluctant to speak out, only breaking my silence twice before seeking therapy twenty-three years later. No, I didn’t have an ET experience, but the monster under my bed was real. And it took the form of my older brother.

He not only bullied and controlled me my entire life but started coming into my bedroom in the dark of the night when the house was asleep. Waking me from a dead sleep he tested me to see what he could get away with. I have no memory of the first few years he assaulted me in bed but know from recall in hypnotherapy that the actual rape began shortly before twelve. I was only eleven years old. I don’t know how old I was when the monster’s night visits began, but I know the last one happened when the monster and I were home on break from our respective colleges.

We’d been socializing with friends and had been drinking.

I awoke to the monster pawing at me. Quite asleep I was confused and it took me a minute to figure out just what was going on. This time I kicked him out. I wish I could have kicked him in the face and broken his nose, but I was his concubine. Groomed and whipped. I was still afraid of getting in trouble. And this was three years after the molestation had been found out because I was pregnant. Three years after I bore a baby in secret and gave her up for adoption. Three years after our father put a hook and eye on my bedroom door to keep the monster out.

But because I’d been away at college and he’d been away at college I forget to latch my door. I didn’t think I had to latch it anymore. After all, he’d seen a psychiatrist and should be better right? I was wrong. Despite everything that happened, the monster still slithered out from under my bed and tried to attack me.

Something that’s taken me years to realize is just how little my parents understood what was going on. If they had the slightest realization that I’d been unwillingly raped for years under their roof, they would have sent my brother away in a heartbeat. But, between the times (the late 70’s), shock, embarrassment, and denial, they saw me as complicit. Compliant. I was not.

The tricky thing is when you’re conditioned the way I was, I was led to believe it was my fault. And like so many people who are conditioned for their entire life this way, I lived my life wanting acceptance from those who hurt me the most. Stockholm syndrome. For decades I sought the monster’s approval. I kept the secret. And when he married a girl similar to me I immediately took her as the sister I never had.

She never had a clue she was marrying a monster until after my parents died and my anger began to roar. Until it was finally safe to talk about the deep, dark secret. For those who’ve been reading my posts for a while, you know I separated from the monster two years ago, separating joint inheritance. In death, my parents entangled me with the monster. And after doing a lot of deep healing, letting go of all attachment to the one who was never able to be anything but a monster, it became not only easy to separate but an imperative. There was no way in hell I was going to remain tethered to him financially or otherwise anymore.

I thought I was done healing the relationship. As in, mission complete with regards to our souls’ agreement. We agreed that I would play victim to his role as a predator as I’ve done in other lifetimes. And when my attachment to him dissolved followed by the few years it took to actually separate from him, which included doing regular healing work that helped me reclaim more power, I thought things were finished. Well, I know that if he predeceases me I’ll probably have some more healing to do then, but that likely won’t be for many years.

But this spring brought another layer of healing. Deeper yet. A repressed memory that had never come up surfaced. More trauma. I saw the little girl in me completely shatter with what came up as the first physical violation when I was five.

Several very intense healing sessions have not only brought back the memory of what happened while releasing traumatic emotions, but the healing leapfrogged beyond this life back to every life I’ve shared with the soul of the monster. And what’s crazy is I know that as much as my brother has been a monster to me and will likely never change, as a soul, his soul and mine share great love for each other. (I saw it during a healing session).

As a soul, he had a hard time knowing what he was going to do to me in this life, but he did it to further my soul’s evolution and growth. As Rob Schwartz would put it, we chose a “learning through opposites” type of agreement. In order for me to know my own power, I was systematically deprived of it pretty much from day one. Doing therapy and then healing brought back a lot of personal empowerment. And since Kundalini energy opened, still more power has been reclaimed.

In fact, my most recent healing sessions ended lifetimes of our incarnating together – at least it feels this way – by my taking responsibility for my part in perpetuating cycles of revenge and retribution. Lifetimes when I was the monster. Beyond that, a layer of rage from my teenage years bubbled up and out. My body is still dealing with the rage.

Just when I think I’m done with this, I’m not. I’ve reached a point of knowing what’s been healed and hoping I’ve hit an endpoint. At least for now.

John Yost finally decided to break his silence and because he was a filmmaker made a movie about his ET experience. During filming he returned to his childhood home, becoming re-traumatized until he met a hypnotherapist who works with people who have been abducted or who’ve had ET experiences with lost time. I don’t want to give too much away, but being regressed through the experience while in hypnosis (some of it’s in the film), he’s able to release the trauma and recall a message he was given. We are all One.

So, in the eyes of spirit, we’re all one. We’re all part of a divine masterpiece played out here on earth and on other planets and in other dimensions. That said, my main focus for the past several years has been right here. My current life in my current body. That’s what I’m mostly about these days. Right here – right now.

The irony is, as I’ve been healing my way through my Kundalini awakening, I’ve had all sorts of metaphysical experiences with spirits taking many forms from angels to animals to mythological creatures like a phoenix and dragons, to part of my ET family. So wild!!

6 thoughts on “When the Monster Under the Bed is Real

  1. I understand you have stated that your souls agreed on these scenarios. However, without memory of past lives what in the world makes a young boy think he can do that to his sister? What kind of behavior has he been taught, or at what point did he become broken enough to commit such heinous acts? This type of psychiatric behavior repulses and interests me, because could it be prevented? What causes this type of behavior? A friend of mine had the exact same thing happen to her with her brother. The only person she told was her diary. When her mom found her diary and read what her son was doing to her daughter …… she blamed her daughter! I sobbed when my friend told me this story. I literally had to get therapy just to digest what happened to my friend, let alone if it happened to me. I am an empath, so it’s very difficult for me to see others in pain without taking it on myself. You really are an amazing woman to think through these things with such levity.


    • Ah, a fellow empath. Me too. I used to believe if we could just know what went wrong we could prevent it. What I know now is when our soul chooses certain experiences they will not be prevented. In fact, spirit will intervene to make sure some things happen. What happened to my brother was not only predestined but ensured. Having sat with psychics I know and trust, they’ve seen something that happened to him when he was too young to remember: an interaction with my mentally ill mother. He was also born with a different type of brain wiring. He has impulsivity issues and a bunch more which led to jealousy, anger, and plenty of his own disempowerment. The dysfunctional dynamic between us began from day one. And it was created by and unconsciously encouraged by our mentally ill mother. Her mental illness bred dysfunction and created an atmosphere of fear and emotional dysregulation. She was bipolar, swinging between debilitating depression and mania that left a path of destruction until she was finally hospitalized and medicated. But by that time the damage was done. I was a junior in high school and was a year away from heading off to college. Years later when I finally decided to see a counselor on my own she helped me see that I was a victim. What happened to me wasn’t my fault. One of the things I asked my brother was why. Why did he rape me? He said he didn’t know it was wrong. (WTF??) That the psychiatrist our parents sent him to, after the pregnancy brought everything out in the open, had to tell him it was wrong. I truly believe he lived with two truths: one that allowed him to be dominating and be the perpetrator, and a second one where he absolutely knew what he was doing was wrong because he was calculating and careful to not get caught and threatened me to stay silent. Plus, even though he’d been told what he was doing was wrong, he tried again, so I call bullshit. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

      Shortly after I saw some of my pre-birth planning for the first time in a hypnotic healing session back in 2009 I discovered Robert Schwartz’s work examining why souls choose to experience things like rape, incest, suicide, being born deaf, and more. Your Soul’s Plan and Your Soul’s Gift are fantastic books, and two of the chapters in Your Soul’s Gift specifically look at why a soul might choose to experience incest and rape.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for all this interesting information. My friend who was abused never got therapy. I moved out of state from her now, and we don’t keep in touch much. I wondered at the time what would make a boy think to do that to his sister. Sharing your story has given me some clarity. I had many years of therapy myself, and now I feel as if my life was a fairytale compared to yours. What in the world did I have to complain about? I haven’t had near the spiritual or other-worldly experiences as you either, but I have had some. I do feel other peoples’ feelings. They think they’re hiding their emotions, but I know what’s going on deep down inside. I wish more people were open and honest like you’ve been. I feel like people who are hiding their true thoughts and feelings are being fake. It’s not always comfortable for me. I love the Oriah Mountain Dreamer poem, which asks people to reveal their true-glorious-selves. Thanks for the book recommend. Checking it out now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, and yes, I agree with you about your brother’s answer. He knew it was wrong if he was threatening to keep you quiet. Another baffling mentally deranged thing to say. 😕😡

    Liked by 1 person

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