Our Love Story

My love,

This is our love story.

Loving you wasn’t easy at first. Our beginnings were fraught with denial. I majored in denial and got an A. The funny thing is, the longer I denied you, the more I couldn’t. That first flutter I felt eventually turned into something that wasn’t indigestion. As my body changed, it gave you away.

You are living proof of what I tried to disavow. I tried to dismiss your existence. I didn’t want to admit that you might actually be. I tried to stop him and pretend it wasn’t happening. It most definitely happened, because you are forever real.

You entered my life with an undeniable burst of life force energy that no one could prevent. You were bound and determined to be here on this planet, at this amazing time of change, no matter what it took.

You agreed to be cast into my life’s theater, playing the role of my daughter to help me learn some mighty powerful lessons through some wickedly challenging experiences. You loved me enough to agree to be born through the wrong body, in the wrong situation, so you could be given to your rightful mother. And I’m sure to my core, that she loves you down to the marrow.

You loved me enough to agree to give me the opportunity to come into my own personal power by helping me initially feel powerless. You were part of the magnificent orchestration that taught me to not trust or value myself so I could one day experience trusting, valuing, and knowing myself in a way that couldn’t happen without you.

You helped give rise to situations where I inadvertently donned a cloak of shame, so I could later have the amazing experience of casting it off, allowing my bright, sparkly light to shine again.

You came to teach me to be selfless when it mattered, and to grow into honoring, respecting, and loving myself through my life’s journey.

I now see that you loved me enough to go through this with me; to have only a very short time here with me. You knew that even though we would meet face to face for a mere few days, when this gig is all over, we’ll meet at the wrap party and have eternity together.

For this, I am forever grateful and will always hold you deep in my heart.

Love,

Your Birth Mother

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Awakening

My Kundalini Awakening is changing how I perceive the world. It’s changing the lens through which I see and interpret everything in my life. It’s healing where I’m out of alignment with my soul, changing my inner truth. It’s bringing up much of my life that I was unconscious to, bringing it back to consciousness. My awareness of things in life is expanding and expanding. And it’s happening in flashes of new awareness; like waking up and suddenly remembering something I’d forgotten.

Ascension, awakening, expansion of consciousness, remembering. This is what’s been going on in a very big way.

The connection to my higher self is so strong it feels like I’m embodying it more and more. That wise part of my being that’s connected to Source, to All That Is.

But because my physical body exists in a vibratory state that is worlds slower than my soul, as much as I’m able to clear beliefs that have held my physical state as it’s been, raising my body’s energetic vibration, it takes time for my new level of awareness to come fully into focus.

The world of energy healing concentrates on releasing blocks from our body, allowing our (spirit) energy to flow through us. When I’ve done mini energy healing session at a local spiritual reading and healing center, I’d imagine a person’s energy block as an ice cube, and ask the person’s higher self if they could allow the block to melt away. Gently. Trying to force another person’s energy blocks to clear, dynamiting them away is a great way to make them sick. To bring on a healing crisis for them.

I experienced this when after a handful of sessions with a healer my gallbladder got into big trouble.

Kundalini energy has made my energy field so completely open to those around me that if someone is emotionally charged, especially if it’s someone I have a strong connection with, their activated unconscious belief will ring out in me and will be healed in me without my having to go into meditation or to have a healing session to release my own block.

“We always hurt the ones we love.”

“I can’t take this shit anymore.”

“I can’t do this.”

“It’s all my fault.”

These are a few of the beliefs I’ve picked up from people around me, that were healed and created shifts in my consciousness. I wasn’t even aware I had any issues in these areas. As the healing happened, higher wisdom came to me. And new awareness was downloaded into my cells.

“We always hurt the ones we love.” We’re more likely to let our hair down around our family and close friends, and to hurt their feelings (either intentionally or not), because there’s a deep sense of trust and safety with them. We know that if we hurt their feelings once in a while, we can make amends, or they’ll get over it.

We’re more careful with our words and actions around strangers and people we don’t know well because we have an innate need to not alienate them. When we don’t know someone, our brain goes on alert. Until our brains assess and categorize them, we don’t know if they’re a danger to us, if they’re friendly and fun, or where they land on the spectrum of safety, trust and how well they resonate with us.

If a loved one gets upset with me, I don’t take it personally because I know that whatever they’re upset about is all about their own unconscious belief that is acting up.

All sorts of beliefs around relationships, money, health and well being are coming up and being healed. New awareness is being created as wisdom is downloaded into me. Wired into me at a cellular level.

If all my new awareness over the past seventeen months were put into me at once, I’d either lose my mind permanently, become catatonic, or commit suicide. And the pain in my body would be overwhelming. It would be too much to handle. It would be like the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when they look into the Ark of the Covenant and can’t handle what they see because the vibration is too high for them to process. As it is, I feel like I’m on the brink of being able to handle it much of the time.

Fortunately, my soul knows the gig of life is to stay alive until I reach “mission complete”, and I’m far from done. So as much as my experience of Kundalini energy has been making my life a living hell, it won’t kill me (although it sure came close one day). In fact, as I’m going through all of this extreme healing, my body is becoming healthier overall, and scores of unconscious beliefs that have been blocks in my energy field are leaving.

One of the beliefs that’s hard-wired into everyone is the belief that they’re alone; that no one can relate to what they’re going through. The feeling of being alone is one that can hit us even if we’re in a room full of people.

The first time I became aware of this belief, I’d been regressed in hypnosis back to the initiation of an uncomfortable feeling that kept coming up. I didn’t know what the feeling was, other than generalized discomfort, and when I went so far back in time that I hadn’t even been born yet, it blew my mind. Yet at the same time, part of me knew I existed before I was born. I’d just forgotten.

As the belief of “being alone” came into my consciousness, I was told and shown that we’re never alone. We are always accompanied on this journey called life. We always have guides and hosts of beings in spirit watching over us and at our beck and call. Always!

Since then, this same belief came up as I floated in a sensory deprivation tank and tuned into pain in my shoulder that flared up as I floated. As I followed the physical pain in my mind, going back in time to when I first experienced it, I was taken back to when the veil between this world and the spirit world fell. Back to when my awareness was cut off from knowing I was connected to everyone and everything. A moment in time when part of me became terrified and felt alone for the first time in my life.

As I reconnected to the lost part of myself, the voice of Source/God blasted through my third eye (my 6th Chakra) telling me with absolute certainty that I am never alone. I am always connected to Source, and am in fact created of this energy and am an essential part of it (as is everyone). With a huge emotional release of tears, the suck part of me who’d believed she was alone was freed.

The wisdom gleaned was: as human beings, there are times we feel alone when we think no one can relate to what we’re going through. And the truth is, we each walk our own very individual path in life. Yet we all feel the same emotions and experience the same feelings.

As much as my Kundalini experience is very unique to me, the feelings and emotions that come and go, ebb and flow, are universal.

As human beings, the way we see and experience the world is unique to each person. But we all know fear, anger, sadness, and jealousy. We all know happiness, contentment, joy and peace. And we all know love and acceptance.

Awakening is a journey being squeezed and released, of resistance and surrender. It’s a journey of opening up awareness, of unfolding consciousness, of knowing things because they resonate in my cells. It’s a journey of massive soul retrieval and reconnection, creating alignment with my soul. It’s a journey of shifting my inner truth bit by bit. Becoming aware of and accepting of myself and in return feeling compassion for those around me.

Head Misery

A huge part of my Kundalini Awakening is head rewiring. While my head is being rewired, my thoughts are a shit-storm of lies combined with my expanded awareness. What this means is, I see and notice things around me that I barely paid attention to before, and initially as I do so, all sorts of fearful thoughts become triggered. As my head shifts and changes, as it rewires new thought pathways, I can see/take in all these new things without becoming emotionally set off. But it takes time. Weeks. During the weeks of integration, life is a living hell. Especially when I first get up in the morning.

And the real shit is, as soon as I begin to feel good again, stable and a bit normal, something else inside me comes up and another shift leading to expanded awareness happens. And I’m off to the rodeo again. Sleep is all about processing my mental and emotional stuff and waking up exhausted. Every. Single. Day. I haven’t woken up rested in well over a year.

Naps are critical.

While my own dark night of the soul, shit-storm of hell does its thing, I’m trying to be a functional mother and wife. And I’m not being very functional with either of those. But things are getting done. Barely.

Keeping my awareness focused on the “here and now” is exceedingly difficult lately. While my head is being rewired, my thoughts run off like a rabid squirrel, darting to and fro, jetting into the future – months and then years – until they run out of steam or until they hit on something that triggers fear in me and I remind myself to focus on the here and now. It’s exhausting.

There is zero ability to quiet the mind. It’s off to the races, every day. If I try to get quiet, the noise in my head gets louder and louder.

On my darkest days, my body shuts down in exhaustion and I lose faith in myself. I lose faith in my decision to incarnate, in my ability to do this thing called life. Thoughts of complete and total defeat, inability to cope, and utter despair fill my head.

When I can get to a quiet, secluded place, I allow feelings of despair to rise up from deep down. I let the wave overcome me until I burst into tears, sobbing from the depths of my deepest heart. Freeing whatever it was that was stuck in me.

I’m released from the darkness for a little while, as if having been held deep under water, finally being allowed a breath of air. Then the cycle of deep inner transformation begins again.

You Can “Save” Yourself

When I was a little girl, I went to bed dreaming of being saved by a knight on a white horse riding in and taking me away. I remember so many nights lying in bed, wanting nothing more than to be saved. Yet as an adult, I couldn’t remember why. I couldn’t remember what I wanted to be saved from. Until I began using hypnotic regression as a healing tool.

I believe everyone wants to be saved or rescued at one time or another. Looking at the energetic vibration of the “need to be saved” it comes from a place of feeling completely disempowered. Looking outside ourselves for the person (or the substance or the quick fix) that will make everything all better. It’s a quality of being human.

I’d actually forgotten about these yearning desires I had as a young girl until I unexpectedly reconnected with her while in a hypnotic state. I could see the little girl in me, living with people who sometimes treated her very badly, stuck in her misery. Stuck in time. Still waiting for a knight on a white horse to save her. She felt so completely disempowered and miserable, feeling trapped, wanting to run away from it all. In fact, I’d tried to run away a few times, but didn’t get beyond our yard.

As my hypnotherapist guided me, I was able to see through the eyes of my inner child and then help her see through my wise adult eyes. My inner child was able to see that she made a conscious choice to subjugate her own will to that of her mother’s, because if she didn’t, life would be a lot more painful. She finally understood that giving away some of her power allowed her to survive. And with a shift in perspective, my inner child let go her pain and became joyful. She was free from feelings of disempowerment, and free from the desire to be saved.

At one point, my inner child perked up and said I’d gone back and saved her. Rescued her. She began to laugh because I’m not a knight on a white horse.

And In fact, I saved myself. Anyone can do this.

I use hypnotherapy because it works for me. Many people use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or Tapping as it’s also known. And there are many other healing modalities that help us heal our emotions.

The next time you feel like you need to be saved, acknowledge that it’s your inner child speaking up. It’s merely a young part of yourself that at one time gave up their power, subjugated their will to another. And they did it quite literally in order to survive. Thank them and love them for what they did, and let them know you’ve got it now.

And if your religion has taught you that you need to do certain things or act a certain way in order to “be saved”, understand it was merely their way of getting you to act lovingly and not react out of fear. The irony is, religious leaders, like many parents, have used fear and control as a tactic to steer behavior. The only hell is one of our own making, and heaven is a state of mind that can be touched while we’re still here in human form.

Not Having Fun Yet

I don’t fit in my body.

My energy field and body are out of sync.

Way out of sync.

They tell me to meditate and to get quiet and go within

But I can’t.

They don’t understand.

It’s not that I need to release stuck energy, an emotional burden.

The releases just happen.

Like a lightning flash after the build-up of electricity.

And now my body is trying to catch up.

My brain is rewiring.

I can’t focus. Again.

I’m exhausted. Still.

Kundalini has made my system so open and sensitive to everyone’s energy.

Too open and sensitive. I need a cave.

I’m raw.

My emotions bubble at the surface.

My energy field reaches out to yours and finds unconscious pain.

With a flash of lightning I’ve shifted again.

Because I relate to everyone. I resonate with everyone’s pain.

Tears so deep, my heart twists and aches in my chest.

Anger so hot it takes everything I have to not act it out.

It’s been a few days since the last lightning strike

And my heart contracted and expanded yet again. Huge.

Today the tissues, muscles and bones around my heart are adjusting.

They don’t fit. It’s all sore and out of whack.

Wearing a bra hurts. Can’t I just wear my PJ’s and robe all day?

My ribs and back bone are out of whack.

In a few more days or so this should pass.

I not only resonate with the pain of the world,

But it’s being healed in me.

Bit by bit.

Shift by shift.

Flash by flash.

Storm by storm.

Can I be done? Please?

It’s too hard.

I can’t do this.

But I am.

The Razor’s Edge

She’s filled with rage and tears
But they can’t find their way out.

Feeling boxed in, nowhere to turn
She turns to the razor.

With every cut, the pain
Finally reaches the surface.

As the blood drips
Down in tears she can’t cry.

Years later with the pain
Still deep inside, rising again

The little slices and dices
No longer relieve the pain

Of having been sliced and diced
By her own mother’s tongue

And she fantasizes about the razor.
This time one last cut.

One final cut to end all her pain.
Once and for all.

To end the dance on the razor’s
Edge between life and death.

But no matter how hard it gets
No matter how much pain she’s in,

She can’t go through with it
Because no one dies without permission.

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As much as part of this poem is semi autobiographical (I’ve never engaged in cutting), I experienced a lot of inner pain in my young life. However, I never entertained thoughts of ending it all until I was an adult; but they were fantasies I knew I’d never act on.

Until one day when I suddenly and unexpectedly moved from fantasy to an impulse to take action. A split second after I’d made the decision to actively take my life, spirit intervened, flooding me with horror of what I was about to do and filling my head with the word, “Help!”

I immediately reached out for help, and a dear friend talked me down.

I absolutely did not have permission to take my life that day.

This behavior was unusual for me, and looking back, I pretty quickly figured out that because Kundalini energy had made my system extremely sensitive and intuitively open, I picked up on thoughts that weren’t really my own; yet because they resonated with me, they rang out big-time. And for a little while, I believed them. It was very scary. Yet, because of the experience, I know spirit can and will intervene.

I was about to take a step to deal with internal pain that would have been permanent, and I didn’t have permission to end this life’s journey yet. Not by a long shot.

_________________________________________________

If you have immediate concerns about a person’s mental health and feel they might be a danger to themselves or others, contact 911. If the danger doesn’t feel immediate, reach out to them and/or their friends or family. (To whomever they trust).

If you feel suicidal and want to talk to someone, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. If you’re more comfortable texting, for any type of emotional crisis, text the word CONNECT to 741741 to be connected with a trained crisis counselor. Just a note that this info is for the United States.

Forgiveness

My journey of healing, has truly been a journey of healing my heart. It’s been a journey of finding things within that have caused me to reject love; ultimately, to reject myself. That’s what healing really is: creating internal change that allows life force energy (love) to flow through where it was once blocked.

The kicker is, these blocks are created initially to help keep us alive. They are part of our desired experience of life.

Forgiveness is the feeling of letting go of an internal block. It’s finding a way to change your heart; to become accepting where you formerly weren’t. To let yourself feel love again. To allow love to flow again.

As human beings, we are taught to forgive from our head – just say these words and you’ll feel better. Sometimes that can change our heart, and sometimes not. The easiest way to forgive someone is when we’re able to see through their eyes; to understand their feelings and motivation.

But how can we forgive someone who’s hurt us when they’re not sorry? How can we forgive someone who has damaged us, who has ruined us, when they don’t think for a minute they’re in the wrong?

You don’t. You don’t forgive THEM.

Because forgiveness is an inside job. All healing is an inside job.

In healing work, the focus is inside, not out. We look at feelings and emotions as guides, as breadcrumbs to follow.

The thing is, once I was able to see beneath the surface of my own seething rage, the rage I felt toward the person who did me wrong, what I found was rejection. I was rejecting myself. Blaming myself for a perceived wrongdoing. That young girl who became stuck in time, deep inside, was only stuck because she’d grabbed onto a belief. A belief that allowed her to make it through some horrible experiences without going crazy or killing herself. She believed it was her fault.

Yet, once the immediate danger was over, that part of me was unable to move on. For decades. Despite being able to finally accept that what happened to me wasn’t my fault, part of my unconscious mind held fast to her belief.

Because she was unable to move on, she’d occasionally act up. Any time I thought about the past or connected with someone who’d been through a similar experience, she’d call out to me through anger. I would become angry, enraged, seething, and could lash out like a viper.

I didn’t even know why I kept getting so angry. After all, what happened was in the past, wasn’t it? And I’d become so angry even when the perpetrator was nowhere near me, and wasn’t even in contact with me. All I had to do was think about what happened. WTF?

Using hypnotherapy to follow trails of emotions, I was able to find and meet parts of myself who’d become stuck in time. And what I found were little girl after little girl who was unable to move forward because she held fast to the belief that she wasn’t ok. She refused to let go of what she believed in because it was her belief that kept her alive. Kept me alive (so she thought).

It wasn’t until I was able to directly connect with her, to have a conversation with her, that she would have an epiphany. I’d let her see her situation through my adult eyes, the situation that contributed to the creation of her belief.

Sometimes, just recognizing that I’d gone on and grown up, that I was still alive, and that she and I were the same person, was enough for a part of me to let go of her belief. Other times, sharing my adult wisdom with the little girl in me, allowed her to see that she’d taken on a belief from someone else. Together we’d look at something that had happened, the event when she created her belief, and we’d work through it.

Instead of holding onto a belief that she was defective, one little girl was finally able to see that her behavior all those years ago was completely age appropriate. As a toddler, it’s absolutely age appropriate to be defiant and willful. And further, during the session dealing with the belief of being defective, the little girl suddenly became aware that she’d actually taken on that very belief from her mother. Her own mother carried the belief deep down inside herself that she was defective, no doubt taken from her mother.

That was a popular one in my family. In many families, the words are usually something along the lines of, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you do what you’re told?” When you hear those lines enough times, you eventually take on the belief that there’s something wrong with you. And it sticks.

The moment the little girl felt safe enough to let her belief go, the transformation was immediate. The moment she let go of whatever belief had kept her stuck, she’d immediately become happy and joyful. She’d ring out with new beliefs of being perfect and amazing. I didn’t have to instill these in her, they are our inner nature. They are our higher truth.

In that moment, the life force energy, the love that I’d been keeping from myself was once again flowing. The block was permanently dissolved.

For me, forgiveness is all about finding bits and pieces of myself, my inner child, who still hold themselves separate from my current awareness of myself. It’s about finding them and inviting them back home into my heart. It’s about letting them know their work is done; they can let go of whatever belief has been keeping them stuck. Stuck in time. Stuck believing a lie.

It’s about ending self-blame by understanding that things happened that weren’t my fault. I couldn’t have stopped them from happening. I tried to stop things from happening.

It’s knowing not only in my mind, but in my heart that I did the very best I could do IN THE MOMENT and I wasn’t able to take 100% control of a situation and stop it. It’s a change of heart.

All our feelings and emotions emanate from within us. They are generated inside our bodies and brains. However, because they become activated through our interaction with the outside world, most people think the outside world is the cause of any and all our emotions. It’s not. It’s merely a trigger.

Healing is exploring an emotional trigger and deactivating it.

When we seek forgiveness, it’s because we blame ourselves for hurting another person.  But what do we do if they refuse to change and decide to stay mad at us hang onto their internal pain? What can we do to change them and make them let us off the hook?

This is what I call kindergarten thinking.

You can’t make another person let go of their inner pain any more than you can control their thoughts. So let it go.

And if you can’t let it go, it’s because of continual blame with the finger pointing inward.

I hurt them. Oh no! It’s all my fault. Woe is me.

Life isn’t black and white. How can it possibly be 100%  your fault that another person becomes emotionally triggered? How can it be 100% your fault that another person decides to hang onto an uncomfortable feeling for hours, days, weeks, years? It’s not.

When we become emotionally triggered, life suddenly feels black and white, all or nothing, because that’s the fear center in our brain taking over. It’s the immature thinking of a child taking over. Children see the world simply. They see good and bad, this or that. They only see the surface, incapable of complex thinking. Our brain on fear is all about survival. It does what it needs to do in order for us to keep living, whether it’s run away from a perceived danger, or create a belief that separates us when we physically can’t run away.

Forgiveness is actually an inside job. It’s about letting go of, or healing, unconscious beliefs that keep parts of us separated from our true divine selves; allowing this divine, life force energy, that is unconditionally loving love, to flow through us more fully.

It’s about creating more internal peace, health, and well-being. Becoming at peace with the past.

For me, it’s been a process. A long one. And just when I feel like it’s complete, a few more bits and pieces of my inner child feel safe to speak up, letting me know they want to be set free. Will it ever be done? Some things feel very complete for me now. But the truth is, only time will tell.

Forgiveness is about using whatever works for you to help you reconnect with yourself. Have you found what works for you yet? Let your feelings be your guide.

Barely Feeling Human

Sometimes this blog is a place to share spiritual wisdom that’s been coming to me, and sometimes it’s a place to share my journey of changing from the inside out, initially through hypnotherapy healing sessions, and for the past year courtesy of Kundalini energy.

The other day, I was emotionally triggered by someone I’m close to; their unconscious fears rang out in me, finding a raw unhealed spot. And a healing shift happened. I don’t even have to try anymore. The shift just happens.

And after a day of mental hell, my body is sore here and there, and I’m changing again. From the inside out. While I’m still a bit fragmented, living between dimensions, my head is fuzzy, I’m not myself, and I need a lot TLC, including extra sleep.

Waking up from sleep is not a pleasant experience. Dreams are stronger than “normal” and I can tell these are my head processing a bunch of crap. Bits and pieces of my waking day are mashed together, sometimes mixed with fear, and sometimes just being odd. I don’t wake feeling rested, but seemly further out of sorts, sometimes for hours. Until I begin to feel like myself again.

And when I begin to feel like myself, I realize I’m changed. I barely feel human sometimes. Like today.

Because I’ve healed shame, there are times when I overshare, like I did this afternoon. But it doesn’t occur until after the fact that I didn’t need to say as much as I did. When I’m overtired, my mouth can become a motor.

I’ve healed blame too, and most of the time no longer blame myself for things, so when people I care about do, I’m sometimes caught by surprise and don’t understand why they’re so hard on themselves. Then I remember they’re just being “normal”.

I see people’s disconnection from their soul when I hear them talk about their life, or read their self-talk. I see their inner pain. And there have been times when the puppy inside me wants to jump all over them, lick their face, and let them know they can heal this or that; because I have. The puppy knows they don’t have to carry so much pain around inside them. Even when I don’t really know the person. And when I find out they have no interest in healing what ails them, it leaves me stumped, miffed, and sometimes upset, until I remember that we all see life through our own eyes and have free will. Until I remember that we each have our own path in life.

One of my struggles as a sensitive being, has been wanting those around me to feel better. And not everyone is open to change. Mostly because they’re scared of it or don’t know how to create change in their life in a way that they can deal with.

So today is a day of accepting that some people would rather sit in their pot of shit, the shit they’re familiar with and comfortable in, than change. And a day of not really feeling human.

Healing Can Get Complicated

Inspired by a fellow blogger who was also sexually abused as a child, it was only recently that I realized a part of me longed for my older brother’s approval and acceptance, despite the fact he abused me. I had a moment of clarity a few months ago when I suddenly realized I no longer longed for the stereotypical older brother that I never had and never will. The little girl inside me who always wanted an older brother to love her, accept her and protect her, finally healed and let go of her pain. She is free of the past.

Years ago, when I first began work on healing myself, I wanted to let my big brother know that I was doing better because I was beginning to let go of so much hate and anger I’d felt toward him for decades. I liked the fact that I could think about him and even talk to him without wanting him dead and without endless buckets of anger rising up in me. The irony is, he’s never really felt deep regret or remorse for his actions toward me when we were younger. So, my sharing with him that I was doing better, didn’t have much of an impact on him. At the time, I thought it would. My inner child still wanted his approval and love.

When I once asked him why he did what he did, he said it was because he didn’t know it was wrong. He said it was only because the psychiatrist our father sent him to told him it’s not ok to rape your sister (or whatever language they used), that he even realized what he did was wrong.

But the fact is, that’s not entirely true. He knew he was doing something wrong and bad, way back when, because he made me be quiet about it. He forced me to not tell, and made me fear getting into trouble. But he seems to have blocked this part out. I haven’t. The fact is, he didn’t have to do or say much to keep me quiet because I was already completely disempowered because of how he’d treated me our entire lives together.

The more I’ve healed, the more I’m able to put myself into his shoes. And one of the saddest recent realizations I’ve had is, I’m pretty sure he has little to no capacity for empathy. In many ways, he’s like a child, unable to put himself into another’s shoes and see through their eyes. He’ll never in a million years be able to understand that the person who was supposed to look out for me and have my interests at heart, not only never looked out for me, but sexually violated me. Not once or twice, but regularly for almost two years.

And the only reason it stopped wasn’t because he suddenly grew a conscience, but because I became pregnant and despite all my major denial and fear, could no longer hide it. The big fear of “getting into trouble” hit the fan in all sorts of ways.

I’ll never forget the day my father called me and my brother into the living room to have one of the most anguishing talks I’ve ever seen him have. As Dad put his hand on my tummy, he expressed to my brother how beyond hurt and shocked he was to find out that his innocent, beautiful, sweet baby girl was pregnant. At 14. And the worst stab in the heart was, he wanted to kill the person who did this, but he couldn’t because it was his own son.

If he could have had the person arrested, thrown in jail, banished or beheaded, he would have. But because it was his own son, it decimated him. Putting my brother out of the house apparently wasn’t an option for Dad. With no grandparents left to shuttle my brother off to, I don’t really know why Dad didn’t think of sending him off to boarding school; after all, he’d already sent my younger brother to boarding school upon the advice of my mother’s psychiatrist. What Dad did do, was put a latch on the inside of my door, so I could lock it. I had to lock my bedroom door every night as I went to bed.

Dad didn’t realize that seeing a psychiatrist for a few months didn’t fundamentally change my brother in the least. Years after the molestation was found out, when my brother was home from college on vacation, and we’d all been partying with friends, I suddenly woke up with someone crawling into my bed, taking off my underwear, pawing at my genitals. Because I was dead asleep, it took me a minute to realize what was going on, and to kick my brother out of my crotch and my bedroom. I’d gotten complacent with his being away at college, and forgot to lock my bedroom door.

I only wish I’d been able to kick his face hard enough to break his nose. But at that point, I was still so very disempowered and seeking acceptance. Even from him. I just wanted him to stop doing this to me and to like me.

The thing with sexual abuse happening within a family, is the effects ripple out. When it’s happening, anyone who knows about it is effected. People often take sides. And years later, when the person who was abused is finally able to address it and begin to heal from it, there comes a time when part of their recovery is finally being able to speak their truth. And doing that has effects on the family as well.

Abuse is always surrounded by secrecy, denial, shame and blame. Always. It is complex and complicated.

I know that when I told our younger brother (only a handful of years ago) about what happened, he was in a state of shock. It rocked his world. As much as my intentions were to not hurt him in any way, I needed to finally talk about what happened. And I couldn’t talk about it until I’d reached a state in my own healing where I wasn’t so filled with venom and anger.

I needed to let go of my deep, dark secret in a way that didn’t perpetuate hate and anger. And I wanted to be able to help my younger brother process this, not just shove shit into his face and tell him to deal with it. His seeing me in a good place, helped him be able to deal with it much better than if I’d merely told him that the older brother he’d always looked up to and emulated, was actually a monster.

I also firmly believe that monsters don’t just develop out of thin air. Some of our mother’s manic behavior when our older brother was very little (too little to remember), affected him. If he were to do a hypnotic regression, he could become aware of what happened to him, and heal from it. But he won’t. He still doesn’t really fully feel in his heart that what he did was wrong.

Because I found a really effective way to heal from my past, and finally felt strong enough to break my silence to some family members over the past few years (there are still some who don’t know, mostly because they are still young), I’ve been watching this ripple of shock and denial, followed by feelings of empathy for me and confusion and anger toward my older brother. Merely finding out about a family member having been sexually abused has effects on those who hear about it. Their reality is shattered. And because it was I who told, I shattered their reality.

Birthing of a Spiritual Being

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that this past sixteen months has been one of accelerated healing for me, courtesy of Kundalini energy spontaneously opening around the end of January or early February 2017. Trying to describe what it’s like to have your consciousness change again and again ain’t easy. It’s evolving, opening.

We all walk around with very little of our mind actually conscious at once. Most of our mind is unconscious to us most of the time. We go about our days doing our thing, creating routines and living our lives. But once in a while, something happens and we become upset or stressed. What I discovered by diving into my own subconscious, is we become stressed or upset, or emotionally triggered when one of our unconscious beliefs becomes activated. And these beliefs are always contrary to our spiritual perspective of ourselves.

FYI, a spiritual perspective is when we know ourselves as perfect and whole, and we feel unconditional love for ourselves. A spiritual perspective is one where even though we see ourselves as distinct, unique individuals, we know we’re all ultimately, intimately connected and sparks of one energy field that I’ll call God. The mere fact we exist affects others, and we all matter very much. We’re all part of the giant tapestry of life, with our unique living threads.

Our unconscious beliefs are created from the moment our spirit merges with our physical body, and serve the critical role of keeping us alive. However, by the time we’re adults, able to take care of ourselves, these beliefs can sometimes cause problems.

Stress or upset is the feeling and emotional result of two dissonant beliefs in us being activated at the same time; one belief conscious, and the other unconscious. One belief held by our “human mind” or ego, and the other belief held by our soul.

A classic example of upset is road rage. When a person is emotionally triggered into rage while they’re driving, there’s a young inner voice that’s speaking up, and it’s very unhappy. It’s the inner child screaming out, “It’s not fair!” And if the person were regressed using hypnosis, that feeling of rage would likely take them back in time to a moment in early childhood when they felt that life wasn’t fair.

The inner child carries the belief that life isn’t fair, yet as a soul, we know that life is always fair. The two beliefs clash, causing emotional upset. Healing the belief that the inner child holds, creates healing, a permanent change to their consciousness. The inner child becomes happy and the next time that same person is cut off in traffic, instead of flying into rage, they’ll stay calm, maneuver the car safely, and put the incident behind them fairly quickly. Healing our inner child means being able to move through our emotions instead of becoming stuck in them.

If you imagined everyday life as looking like a big green swath of grass, everyone’s grass is studded with invisible dandelions of unconscious beliefs. We don’t even see them until we’re emotionally triggered. Suddenly, our perfect green lawn has a dandelion or two and by the time we move through the anger, frustration, or sadness, we no longer see the dandelion. All we see is green grass again. What healing does, is uproot the dandelion, so it’s gone. But most people aren’t aware of healing work, so their dandelions take root and multiply, yet stay invisible much of the time.

Once the dandelion has been uprooted, there’s a small hole left behind that takes a short while for the grass to fill in. As our own energy fills in the gap, this is known as a period of integration. Usually a few extra hours of sleep, some extra water, and going on with life does the trick. With changes to emotional triggers, they happen very quickly, being dissolved. There is always a physical component to the change, but might be so subtle as not to be noticed (unless the healing session specifically worked on a physical issue). Creating healing to physical issues, the integration period can be a short as six weeks, or six months.

Unlike when I’d have a healing session to uproot one of my dandelions, Kundalini energy has been creating healing in me when those near me are being emotionally triggered. My energy field is extremely sensitive and intuits another person’s dandelions; and this goes on without my conscious awareness. I only become aware of their dandelion as a healing shift is created in me. Just connecting emotionally, empathizing with someone close to me, usually a family member or close friend, is enough to create changes within me.

Even though I don’t have issues in certain areas of life, if for example, the person I’m connecting with is upset about money or a relationship, their unconscious beliefs will find their way to and through me, and a healing shift happens inside me. I can’t block or stop it (much as I’d like to). Just after my energy field/ consciousness has shifted, what I’m aware of /can see /notice, changes. I’m suddenly aware of their inner disconnection, or their issue. A few times, I’ve actually had their “stuff” pop into my head as a phrase, and suddenly understand the motivation behind someone’s behavior that previously might have puzzled me. And because of this, instead of becoming miffed or disturbed by someone’s “bad” or “inappropriate” behavior, I totally understand where they’re coming from and have compassion for them.

Because I’m not healing singular incidents in my life, but am creating shifts in me at the level of mass consciousness, instead of dandelions being uprooted, it’s more like giant sequoias are being uprooted.

The challenging part of having such a big hole created suddenly, is dealing with the physical and mental repercussions while the hole is being filled in with my soul’s energy. The grounds crew is out there hauling dirt, filling in the hole, sprinkling grass seeds and watering them. Instead of a day or two it takes weeks for the hole to fill in. I don’t really have to “do” anything. The process happens.

And as the process goes on, my mind rewires, going through gyrations of being unfocused, replaying old emotional tapes from my past, and playing worry tapes about the future. Yet there isn’t a physical, visceral reaction to the thoughts. I know they’re not my reality. They run rampant at times, like a squirrel on speed. The only thing I can do at times is distract myself with watching videos or television. Reading is out of the question. Doing meditative activities becomes torture, as the thoughts only increase. Temporary memory and word glitches happen.

Sleep is no longer restorative. There isn’t enough sleep. I wake up exhausted and unable to focus lately. I’ve also been waking up very sensitive, easily overwhelmed for the first several hours of the day. Sounds are too loud. I crave quiet and solitude. I have to take naps, long ones. That helps. Sometimes I have to nap within an hour or two of waking, and sometimes it’s early afternoon. Today it was around 4pm when sleep found me, waking at 6:30 pm. Some nights as I lay down to sleep, my mind is a cacophony of crap thoughts and it takes everything I have to recite a grounding and focusing mantra long enough to quiet the thoughts so I can fall asleep.

Physical energy is illusive.

My relationship to food is pretty wonky. Cravings that were healed are temporarily revisiting, as are several extra pounds on my body. There are some days when I don’t feel hunger and don’t feel like eating, but if I go without eating, I suddenly begin to shut down and can barely function. My system is so sensitive.

With all the healing, changes to my psyche, there are moments of new awareness, clarity. I see the world through different eyes. Non-judgmental eyes. I can see more, take in more, without it overwhelming my brain.

But before the hole from the last sequoia has been filled in, another tree is uprooted. Rinse, repeat. More hell. I can’t wait for this process to slow down to a creep.

Never in my life have I felt so chronically miserable for so long.

And this too shall pass.

But when?