To Witness

I’m finally wrapping my brain around an amazing concept called “to witness”. It’s a verb that unlike many verbs, is an action word and is a word of no physical action at the same time. And yet it holds the most powerful action that exists. The ultimate act of witnessing a person involves completely and wholly accepting them, unconditionally. No judgment. No strings attached. And the person who is witnessed feels completely seen and known, completely understood and recognized. They feel they are known at the very deepest level of their core being, and completely accepted for who they are, exactly as they are.

In the moment of being witnessed, a person only knows themselves as perfect. Anything and everything that is not perfect, has instant permission to leave. And the one doing the witnessing only feels, knows, and projects complete love. Love as absolute acceptance.

In our very human world, it can be a challenge to witness another person, simply because we are, by default, filled with judgment. Those of us who are aware of how and when we judge ourselves and others, find it easier to reign in judgment and see another through clear eyes. People who are attuned to give Reiki reign in any and all personal judgment and act as conduits for pure love.

Six years ago, I was filled with a lifetime of pain. I was filled with anger and sorrow, shame, fear and self-judgment. I was on a path, looking for pain relief. But not the kind of pain relief you get from an aspirin or from anything that is temporary. I had already realized at that point that my drug of choice, food, wasn’t working very well for me anymore, and I needed to find a better way. A more permanent way.

One day nearer the beginning of this journey, I followed an intuitive path, and it led me to an angel. This angel came to me in the form of a human woman who was physically petite, beautiful, and as powerful as anyone I have ever known. I had arranged to have a psychic reading with her that day, and it was only the second psychic reading I had ever had in my life. Little did I know what was in store for me. I had only cast my eyes on this woman one time before, about a week or two prior, and there was something about her that captured my attention.

As we sat together, I didn’t quite know what to expect from a reading, and I honestly don’t remember if I had any questions prepared to ask her. What I do remember was the moment that I realized she could clairvoyantly see my entire life. She saw straight into my soul and knew my story. Even though she didn’t know me because we had never sat and talked before, she could see every bit of my pain.

She knew without my saying a word that I had been abused by a mentally ill mother, and had been molested by a very hurt, confused, and disconnected brother. She also knew that I still carried pain from having become pregnant, giving up my daughter for adoption, and was forced to keep  the molestation and my daughter a secret. She saw and knew all of my damage and pain, and I sat there, feeling completely accepted just as I was.

Having recently been attuned to give Reiki, the grip of self-judgment in me had already been somewhat loosed. When this amazing woman looked straight into my soul, I felt completely known and accepted in that moment. She witnessed my pain, my life, and my beauty all at once. I knew that even though I felt like I was damaged goods, and “less-than” a thousand ways to Sunday, in that moment, I was accepted just the way I was. And in response, my soul cracked me open. A part of me finally felt safe enough and was recognized in such a way that it screamed to be let out of the cage it had been kept in for my entire life.

My spirit demanded to become known to me on a conscious level. This is what we call having a spiritual awakening. An impulse within you wakes up and demands to be known. It is not something that can be controlled or contained, but rather, it’s to be celebrated and embraced. When I woke up to the knowledge that I am more than just a person in a physical body, but that I’m an eternal spirit who lives life through and with a physical body, my perspective of life shifted quite a bit.

People have a few different types of experiences that wake themselves up to knowing that they’re more than just their bodies. And one of the most intense experiences a person can have to wake themselves up, is a near-death experience. I was cracked open by being witnessed by another person. When someone goes through a near-death experience, they are broken open by being witnessed directly by God.

When a person has a near-death experience, as much as each experience is very personal and unique, there is a common thread of people coming back very changed. They have been witnessed, knowingly held in the palm of the hand of God. They have experienced being completely and utterly known and accepted. Being completely submerged and filled with the love of God allows much of their pain to leave.

When a person feels so completely accepted exactly as they are, and experiences the highest form of energy that creates us, felt as unconditional love, at the same time, it acts as the ultimate permission slip to let go of all sorts of pain, judgment, anger, and sadness that we have created during our lifetime and carry with us. It is the energy healing session of all energy healing sessions.

Even if we never have a near-death experience, and never have a spiritual awakening, anyone can act as a witness for another person. Throughout a child’s life, parents act as a witness, continually loving and accepting a child over and over again as they go through all the ages and stages of growing up. Holding love for a child, not predicated on their behavior, but simply because the child is held in your heart, is a parent’s form of being a witness. And when a child knows without doubt that they are seen, known, valued and loved, simply because they exist – especially when they are struggling – it’s the most powerful thing a parent can instill in their child.

If you know someone who is struggling mightily, one of the most powerful things you can do for them is stand solidly in the place of complete acceptance and love for them exactly as they are in a single moment. If you have trouble putting aside judgment, consider that in a single moment, everything is already perfect. It might not feel perfect or look perfect if you look into the future or the past. Or if you lace the moment with a dose of judgment. But anything can change at any time, because the only time that is real is right now. The biggest gift you can give someone is to allow them the feeling that they are completely and unconditionally accepted just the way they are.

When we are witnessed, we suddenly feel complete trust in and acceptance for ourselves. The feeling might not last long, but in that one amazing moment, a person can choose to alter the path of their life. Feeling witnessed provides the opening, the allowing, the breath, that can make all the difference to a person. It is one of the most powerful experiences one can have in life.



The Long Con of Life

Here it is. Why are we here? We are here for the long con. The biggest con of all. To reconnect to ourselves. To know that we were never broken. We were never less than. We were never all of the wonky things we thought we were.

We were never really lost or separated, it just felt that way, looked that way, and seemed that way. We were never really alive because we never really die. This human consciousness we carry lets us play out one big long con until we leave these bodies. It’s all for the experience of it all.

We come into a human body and pull down the blinders. We don’t know we are eternal and perfect beings. The separation has begun. Then we enter into human programming through the human fear-based brain. We are literally steeped in survival programming, otherwise the con wouldn’t stand a chance of getting off the ground. We make thousands upon thousands of decisions beginning before we are even born.

We steer our lives this way and that, letting our emotions be our guides. I did this thing and it caused pain. Pain hurts. I won’t do that again. I did that thing and I felt better. I’ll do that again for sure.

And then life throws us something that we must navigate using only our survival brain because we are very young and inexperienced in this thing called life. Life throws us a curve ball. In order to navigate the curve ball, we create a belief that brings relief to our brain. Even if the belief is not true. The sense of logic that was created within the brain allows chemicals of comfort and ease to flow again. The con is underway.

We have just created our first belief that separates a piece of us from our divine core self. The con is rolling. As we are “socialized” and “taught” how to behave within the parameters of our families and our society, we create more and more beliefs about ourselves, more lies, cutting off more bits and pieces. We separate ourselves further and further away from our true selves.

Worst case scenario, we experience such complete and total fracturing of our soul that we create separate personas in an attempt to cope and stay alive. Shy of that, we pick up coping techniques that become self-destructive because they only reinforce the lies of the beliefs we’ve created. Addictions perpetuate the beliefs of less than and imperfection that we create because they temporarily make us feel good. The brain gets happy for a while. And then the lie, the belief we created about ourselves takes center stage once more.

The reason the beliefs we create about ourselves, which are lies, create such havoc in our lives, is because of the dissonance they have with our souls. Your soul knows you as a perfect, beautiful, amazing being, who is literally created from unconditional love. And as such, you are unconditional love. Any time you believe otherwise, it causes reactions inside of you.

It causes reactions, pain, frustration, anger, and fear of all sorts. These are your clues. Follow them to the belief that is alive and well, and fucking you over every day.

Follow your feelings. Feelings of fear, pain and disconnection are the easy button of life. They are the bright red neon sign pointing you to what wants to be reunited with your soul. What is crying out to be reunited with your core essence.

As you discover ways to heal the lies you create along your life’s journey, you will discover a feeling of coming home to yourself. You will notice more peace in your heart. You will know that you are beautiful, and valuable, and perfect, and worthy, just exactly as you are. You will know that any beliefs otherwise were part of the long con whose purpose is to reconnect you back to yourself.

Actually, you were never really separated. It was all in your mind. And it hurt your heart.

Healing a Lifelong Challenge: Massive Soul Retrieval

There’s something about the energies of the times. Lots of things are stirred up for many people, and lots of healing is happening. Most people don’t realized that in order for change to happen, the status quo has to go away. And for this to happen, life can look and feel very uncomfortable in the process. Systems and age-old ways of doing things are breaking down and crumbling. In order to bake a cake, you have to break a few eggs.

inspirational graphic

In my own life, I go digging with a select few trusted people that I work with in the realm of energy healing. I look at something that’s not serving me well, something that’s bugging me either physically or emotionally, and I dive down underneath the conscious feelings to see why the discord and disharmony.

My last few posts have been a series of healing sessions because I’ve been on a roll lately. There’s been an overarching theme of indigestion in my life, and I’ve been seeking for answers as to why.

I worked with my hypnotherapist on why I seemed to be having trouble digesting or processing life over the past several months, because of physical digestion woes. And most recently, I wanted to see why I seemed to have an issue with digesting food over the past several months specifically, and why I’ve been becoming allergic to more and more foods over the past several years. And I also wanted to know why food has been such a big issue my entire life. Why was it the object of my addiction for most of my life, and why, when I was becoming free from its addictive grasp, was I becoming allergic to it and becoming unable to digest more and more of it? Why all the issues and problems with food?

I settled into my hypnotherapist’s comfy chair and let her take me through the relaxation phase. After a while, she had me picture a white light shining down on me from above. It was intelligent and healing, and I let it shine on me and through me. It felt great. I always think of God when I think of this light. When she asked me what I was feeling from the light, it felt like love, completely compassionate and very strong love.

Sometimes when I pass the light over my body, an area is highlighted, or a feeling of discomfort comes up. This time, I felt very relaxed and comfortable. Because we were investigating my ability to digest food, she had me direct the loving light into my mouth, followed by sending it down my throat, into my stomach and intestines, and all the way through my entire digestive tract. Finally, she asked me what I was feeling. (I thought she’d never ask).

The moment the love entered my mouth, I felt a lot of resistance. I could hear a young voice saying, “No! I can’t take it. I can’t stand love. I’m not deserving or worthy of it.” That was surprising. Who was this voice? I knew it was me, but what was going on? I focused on this voice, and I must have been about three years old. I was being spanked. I was told it was for my own good. I was told that I was being punished out of love. That made absolutely no sense to me. Why would love hurt?

Even at such a young age, I knew that love wasn’t supposed to hurt, and yet I was told that painful things were happening to me out of love. If that’s what love was, I didn’t want any part of it. That little girl wanted no part of the love I had been trying to send her. No wonder why. I explained to her that her mother was mentally ill, plus she had learned some pretty old-fashioned ways about showing love, and didn’t know that what she was doing was wrong. With some explaining, the little one slowly began to trust me and let go of her fear.

Once again, we let love flow into my mouth. Very gingerly, the little girl dipped her toe in, accepting it little by little. When she realized how good it tasted, and how wonderfully warm it felt, she let go of the last of her resistance.

With that little one happy, the love flowed from my mouth down into my throat. The minute it hit my throat, I heard a voice that said, “It burns!” In my mind, I asked, “What burns?” The voice answered back, “Truth.” Then the voice elaborated. “Every time I speak my truth, I get burned; I get hurt. My mom hurts me.” In my mind, I asked the voice to elaborate. To tell me more.

It was another young voice from my past. It told me that it was afraid because every time she spoke her truth, she was verbally abused. But then what she was saying changed just a bit. She said that in order to not get hurt so much, and in order to lessen her pain, she created a lot of beliefs about herself – beliefs of being defective and less than – that were lies. Every time she spoke and those lies living in her became activated, they ate her up from the inside out. They were burning her up from the inside out. They were burning her up.

All of a sudden, I saw massive flames burning, emotions hit me like a tidal wave, and tears flowed relentlessly. The knowledge hit me that this little one had created lies about herself that cut herself off from her own Source Energy. She effectively cut herself off from her Divine self. In this realization, the separation immediately ended. This was a massive soul retrieval! Thousands of tiny points of light, like a cloud of fireflies, swarmed back to her/me. They were all of the soul fragments that were waiting to come home to my soul. They were from this lifetime and every other lifetime I’ve ever lived. And I knew they weren’t just for me, it was a soul retrieval for the entire planet.

As we grow up, we create beliefs using our rational mind to explain any time something happens to us that doesn’t feel good or feel right. These beliefs revolve around our being and they have all sorts of tones of “less-than”. Every time one of these beliefs is created, it separates us from our core essence, which is Divine Love and perfection. The further the separation from our Divine selves, the more emotionally and physically uncomfortable our lives become. For me, it’s been through discovering these subconscious beliefs and healing them, that I am being reunited with my core essence, my true self, the Divine being that I am at a soul level.

While I was swimming in the emotions of soul reunion, I asked, “Why food? What does food have to do with all of this?” The answer was so direct and so simple, that it almost seemed too easy. “Food was just a metaphor.”

The knowledge of that simple phrase echoed in my mind. Food was just a metaphor. That’s all it was. It was never more than something my soul chose to use in my life as a way to cope with soul separation. A thing to keep me spinning and searching.

That’s it. All of my struggles and issues with food; all of the emotional addiction issues and physical issues with food have all been clues for me to follow to bring back pieces of my soul to me. It has all been a gigantic puzzle that I finally solved. I got the message in my head that I’m done with this. Food is just food and I won’t need to have any more problems with it. It holds no special power over me.

Holy fucking shit!!!!!

After that massive energy shift, my hypnotherapist had me bring the energy of love into my mouth again. I knew that I could once again taste love. I didn’t have to try to get love through food. I can taste it from Divine Source, where it’s supposed to come from. As I sent the love down my throat, I knew that I could once again swallow life just fine. No more burning throat. And when love reached my stomach, I knew that I could digest life easily. As love passed through my intestines, my colon, rectum, and out, I knew that I could process life and allow things to pass through again.

All of the issues that I’ve ever had with heartburn, acid reflux, indigestion, constipation, diarrhea, stomach aches, and gut aches were all clues left for me so I could eventually figure them out and reconnect to my soul.

As I had love flow through my entire digestive system, the love was beautifully accepted and enjoyed. But when I got to the very end of the system, there was one voice that still wanted to be heard. There is one more piece of me that isn’t ok yet, and because she now trusts me, she’s ok to wait until my next session to be heard. I know who she is, and I’m pretty sure I know why she still needs to be heard. And we’ll work it out soon.

What’s going to take a little time to sink in, is that I figured this food puzzle out. It’s like my soul set up an experience that began with my soul being fractured over and over when I was young, but I was left clues, in the way of food issues such as addiction and allergies and digestive woes. And by following the clues, following my curiosity, discovering energy healing, and putting piece after piece in place, I finally found the last piece that sprung the entire trap, solving the puzzle.

A big confirmation of this is with me today, the day after that session, because I feel a deep emptiness inside of me. All of the energy that’s been wrapped up with this whole thing is now gone from me. It’s all transmuted. I feel like an empty vessel, waiting for what’s next. I know whatever that is will come along. It’s just so weird feeling adrift, bored, aimless, and empty right now. And the last thing I feel like doing is eating something.

Even though I never dealt with alcoholism or drug addiction, I am confident that addiction in all of its forms is a soul set up to reclaim ourselves. It’s the soul’s way of expressing what happens when it becomes fractured and separated from self. I see no difference between craving food, craving a drink, craving a pill, craving a shopping or sex high, or any other type of craving. They are all messages from our souls that are screaming out to be reconnected. I did have times of using alcohol and other things as coping mechanisms, but they never had the choke hold on me that food had.

My adventure of reconnection is far from over, but it feels quite surreal that such a huge puzzle is solved and completed. It will be interesting to see how quickly my body responds to this massive energetic shift, and to see if and when it allows me to eat foods that I’ve had trouble processing for the past several years.  Time will tell.

A Healing Story: Food Addiction

Back in February of 2014 I did a handful hypnotherapy sessions, working with a local soul directed hypnotherapist. She beautifully combines her years as a therapist with her hypnosis training and spiritual background and has created a style of hypnosis that really works for me.

During one of the sessions I decided to tackle why I was trying to eat away some uncomfortable emotions. I wrote about it back then. Here it is:

Lately, I’ve noticed that there are times when I’m quietly relaxing, I’m not hungry, and yet there is an underlying feeling of agitation and unease. Nothing quiets this feeling but food. I can’t wait it out or distract myself from it. I’ve tried many times. This is what I imagine any addict feels when they need their fix, no matter what the subject of the addiction is. They get an agitation, something they can’t identify, and nothing will scratch that itch except what they’re addicted to.

I am using hypnosis to figure out what’s really going on. What is this irritating feeling that pops up from time to time, especially when I’m quiet and not distracted by a busy life? Because I can’t identify this feeling or figure out where it’s coming from, it’s a no-brainer that it’s in my subconscious, trying to pop up. Hypnosis is a great tool for easily connecting to the subconscious.

While deeply relaxed in hypnosis, I tune into the feeling of unease and discomfort and what comes is the feeling that everything is too quiet and calm; that my mother will lash out at me at any moment, without warning. I feel jumpy. She’ll take out her anger and craziness on me with her vicious tongue, again. I am four years old.

I am instructed to go back in time to the first time I felt this same way. I am two years old. My mother is yelling at me. Her energy is so big it cuts right through me, causing my solar plexus and gut to tighten into a ball. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and disappear. I realized that my body is extremely sensitive to energy. I can feel people’s emotions wafting off their body. My sensors are my solar plexus and my gut.

In a flash I recognize that when I am eating is about the only time that my tummy doesn’t overload on sensing other people, because it’s busy digesting food. This time that I am dining is a respite and a break for my tummy antenna. Food is my friend. It helps keep me sane.

My hypnotherapist has the adult me come into the scene with each of my younger selves.  Adult me talks to each of the younger selves and shares her wisdom with each of them. Both times the wisdom is the same: that your mother is mentally ill and that when she yells at you it is not because of anything you have done. You are not bad. It’s not about you. She is not entirely in control of her emotions and uses you as her verbal battering ram. You are a perfect, beautiful little girl. There is nothing wrong with you. You are an exquisitely sensitive and very smart girl. Then adult me gave my young self a big hug.

After receiving hugs, love, and wisdom, each of the younger versions of me instantly became happy and light. The two-year old danced around and the four-year old was happy and instantly wanted to go play with her dolls.

Then we moved forward to when I was twelve. I was being molested. After sharing my adult wisdom about what was going on with my twelve-year-old self, instead of being all happy-go-lucky like the young ones, this time I was totally pissed off and felt completely ripped off; like life fucked me over in the drive thru. At that time in my life, I could barely even be angry because of all of the dysfunction going on around me and because I had absolutely no personal boundaries. To be able to bring up this anger and let it out was a very big deal and a positive step forward.

The week after that session, I had a few really irritable days, letting go of old anger and adjusting to the new me. This was the very first hypnosis session to give me insight as to what role food has played in my life, and to create some healing around it. There would be more.

As well as gleaning new information from the session, the healing that was created freed me from a lifelong addiction to pasta. I could and often would eat pasta every day. I couldn’t go a week without it. These days, I don’t eat it at all with the very rare exception.

I finally understood why food had become my drug of choice. It saved me from being overwhelmed by my mother’s energy when she was manic. It was energetic protection. As long as my tummy sensor was occupied with food, it wasn’t available to receive 100% of my mother’s craziness and abusiveness.