I’ve learned through my own healing journey that we sometimes have things locked away in a box very tightly. And when we’ve discovered the key to the box, opening it not only creates healing but can be a sort of gateway to more. At the tag end of March, I uncovered (using hypnotherapy) a repressed memory of childhood trauma that had been deeply put away in a box I had no clue existed. So when the box was opened and knowledge of this experience came to light, I was very surprised, to say the least.
One thing that came through loud and clear was my age. I was five. The other thing that came through loud and clear was what happened, which was called “the first physical violation.” That’s how I received it. In that session, only glimpses of details of the event came through, but what I saw quite clearly was a part of me completely shattering.
After the session, I worked with a few different types of healers to help integrate this part of me who became shattered when I was so young. And more came up and was healed. Even having those healing sessions I kept feeling inside there was more to the story. At my next hypnosis session, I needed to dive back in for more, which is just what I did.
And when I got into the session, the first thing we asked was what needed love, acknowledgment, and release. In a flash, I saw my inner child showing up like a little girl sitting in an old wooden chair, with her hand up. She looked really tired and began to speak.
“I’m done. I’m wiped out. I can’t do this anymore – it’s just too much.”
She was at the end of her rope. I’ve heard this voice many times throughout my life, and I got the sense she wanted us to find out where she began, the root of it all, so we could heal it. Heal the feeling of “I give up. I’m dead. I’m done.” The feeling of wanting to run away – “I’m out of here.” Complete and utter despair.
So we invited her to tell us her origin story. After all, she’s a bit of a superhero who’s been fighting to keep me alive for eons.
Her story began as a bright, shiny soul up in heaven who wanted to know what it was like to be a person. And she waited patiently for her turn to give it a try. She was so excited as she listened to wise elders talking about their experiences as different sorts of beings. (As the story came through me I began to get emotional). She’d had a few experiences as other types of beings and there came an opportunity to go to this planet called Earth, where everyone said it’s really extra-challenging there… especially if you want to be a human being it’s extra, extra challenging because you’re going to become disconnected in ways that other species aren’t disconnected from Source. You’re going to become disconnected in ways that animals and plants are not disconnected from Source. It’s really, really unique. And there’s no way to describe it. You just have to experience it for yourself.
Before committing completely to living a full life, she visited a fetus of her potential mother that wasn’t going to go full term. She wanted to “try on” the DNA to see if it would work for this particular plan at this particular time. To see if all the parameters would work, and they did. Just barely. Because she wanted to come in so badly at this time, despite knowing she might not make it, she went for it. There was something very special about incarnating at this time in history.
So her whole soul family and everybody gathered around and said she’s gonna need a lot more angels. She’s gonna need a lot more help. She’s going to need more support than she’s ever needed before because this one’s gonna be a squeaker by the skin of her teeth.
And yeah, those echoes of wanting to check out are going to be strong because they’ve taken her out before, but she’s one badass mother-fucker, and she’s doing it! But she knows that voice. She knows it very well. It’s taken her out probably more than a couple of times before… because she’s not afraid of pushing the envelope and trying the impossible. And being on the leading edge of creation. She loves to do that. Like riding the front of a wave.
And then I saw imagery of body surfing a wave, wiping out, tumbling and crashing, finding my footing, catching my breath, standing up knowing “I got this” and going on.
I know I’ve taken on more than I could chew in other lifetimes and ended up checking out early, and I’m here for the long haul on this one.
Reaching a good spot to pause, I checked in with my inner child. She was no longer exhausted and full of despair.
Looking over, I see the little girl sitting like she’s in school. She’s sitting wearing a dark skirt and a white blouse, sitting at an old wooden desk like I used back in elementary school. She said “Oh! I’m in the school of life and I just got another lesson. Thank you for the understanding.” And she showed me a synonym for the understanding, the information: a key. For her, it’s also literally a key that unlocks. She says it unlocks her heart. It unlocks stuff that gets blocked up in our heart. It’s the key that turns and unlocks and opens it, and it can be more open.
She’s showing me a ring full of keys, lots of keys on it. She’s showing me putting the key, an old skeleton key, in the lock and opening – it’s my heart opening. And as she “remembers” more from Source it unlocks more for her. She said, “I get it!” It’s the experience of unlocking the heart.
She’s telling me it’s a cycle – I can’t tell what’s before and what’s after because it’s not linear – but it’s the unlocking of her heart as things shift and are let go, which unlocks the pipeline of knowledge to spirit. She said, “Yup, I always thought that school was sitting and learning about stuff,” and she’s pointing to her head. And she said, “But the real school is finding the key, finding this key (as she holds up a key and puts it in her heart) and opening that.. whatever’s locked and blocked up the heart chakra. It’s just finding that key and receiving the spiritual download.”
Once this part of my inner child told her emotional story, had a big epiphany, and was happy again, I thought things were completed for the session. But when my hypnotherapist checked in with her to see how she was doing there was a tiny crumb of her that was still not doing well. Letting that tiny piece know there was no pressure for her to do or say anything other than to just be, it became clear that she needed to speak her peace.
And she did. She was really upset. Through her upset, she told me I’d fucked her up before. She’d done this “lifetime” thing before, being incarnated, only to have me kill myself sending her back to heaven, and this time she wanted to see things through. She didn’t trust me and didn’t believe me and began to call me a liar. “Liar liar, pants on fire!” I saw an image of a young child on the ground throwing a tantrum and didn’t know what to do. I told her I didn’t know about my other lifetimes and I was just doing the best I could, but she wasn’t having any of it.
Seeing that I was stuck, my hypnotherapist asked what the little girl needed. Did she need an apology? Yes.
The little one stood up and said, “I need an apology! You! You owe me!” At this point she was standing, hands on hips, really ticked off, looking right at me. Facing her, I was trying to apologize but a thick, clear wall stood between us. It looked like plexiglass about a foot thick. She kept saying I owed her an apology and I kept trying to get through to her but she couldn’t hear me. We were at an impasse.
When my hypnotherapist asked what the wall was about, I suddenly knew it was anger. Then more information began to flow in. It’s rage. Lifetimes of rage. Rage about getting fucked over… because I couldn’t see the whole picture. (As in, not having the spiritual perspective of things). A moment later the little girl finally said she needed to see more of what happened to her (when I was little). More of the bad stuff.
And what came up was seeing her brother, with a few friends around, pulling off her pants so they could all see what a girl looked like. He was showing off, trying to make himself popular.
I sensed it made the other boys uncomfortable when they saw how upset I’d become, but my brother wasn’t capable of empathy and was clueless. That part of me felt a bit like she’d been gang-raped. It was very traumatic.
The little girl spoke. “What did I do? What did I do to deserve that treatment? I just wanted him to like me. I just wanted him to play with me and he was so mean to me.”
As the little girl talked, higher wisdom began to flow into me.
While part of the brother didn’t understand he was hurting me, the other part of him really like it when he could get me upset because it gave him control over me. It made him feel powerful to make me upset. He didn’t really have empathy. By that time it was gone for him. It was gone. And then I heard… which was part of the (pre-birth) plan. For me it was mortifying, it was embarrassing, it was shameful… it was all the things. When I tried to tell I didn’t get any satisfaction. Either my mother wasn’t in a state of mind to parent, or she just didn’t care, or I don’t know what. She might have been depressed. She was, like, get over it. So… I got over it with my best friend, cookies.
Finally knowing I’d been holding onto lifetimes of rage, when I looked back to the wall it completely dissolved and disappeared. With that, the little one and I hugged as we were now reconnected. She thanked me and the entire spirit team for giving her the rest of the picture and higher wisdom giving her a new perspective. As she began to absorb her new perspective, she was pretty tired, but the longer I watched her, the more she perked up. She also began to age-progress, a sign of integration. At this point, we had reconnected and I saw her back in my heart.
Simultaneously I saw her standing by me in her early to mid-twenties, dressed as a 1970’s hippie flower power girl. She wore bell-bottom pants covered in large print colorful flowers with a matching top. She also wore big, round glasses with pink lenses. When I was in elementary school I loved the whole flower child and hippie thing and had a Rock Flower doll named Dawn.
I also saw a big sunflower. Bright and happy.
It wasn’t lost on me that women’s empowerment and taking care of the planet were a bit controversial when I was growing up, and they’ve been in the news again.
Winding things up, my inner child said, “Damn! I was trapped!”
It felt like she was locked away in a box, and we put the key in the box and it opened (like magic) and set her free. She’s thanking us profusely.
Thanks were given all around while what had just unfolded blew my mind. As complete as the session was, receiving Reiki about ten days later to help integrate my energy field allowed still more of this part of my life to come up. Uncovering the “first violation” seems to have been the opening of a Pandora’s Box of more and related healing.