Pandora’s Box

I’ve learned through my own healing journey that we sometimes have things locked away in a box very tightly. And when we’ve discovered the key to the box, opening it not only creates healing but can be a sort of gateway to more. At the tag end of March, I uncovered (using hypnotherapy) a repressed memory of childhood trauma that had been deeply put away in a box I had no clue existed. So when the box was opened and knowledge of this experience came to light, I was very surprised, to say the least.

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One thing that came through loud and clear was my age. I was five. The other thing that came through loud and clear was what happened, which was called “the first physical violation.” That’s how I received it. In that session, only glimpses of details of the event came through, but what I saw quite clearly was a part of me completely shattering.

After the session, I worked with a few different types of healers to help integrate this part of me who became shattered when I was so young. And more came up and was healed. Even having those healing sessions I kept feeling inside there was more to the story. At my next hypnosis session, I needed to dive back in for more, which is just what I did.

And when I got into the session, the first thing we asked was what needed love, acknowledgment, and release. In a flash, I saw my inner child showing up like a little girl sitting in an old wooden chair, with her hand up. She looked really tired and began to speak.

“I’m done. I’m wiped out. I can’t do this anymore – it’s just too much.”

She was at the end of her rope. I’ve heard this voice many times throughout my life, and I got the sense she wanted us to find out where she began, the root of it all, so we could heal it. Heal the feeling of “I give up. I’m dead. I’m done.” The feeling of wanting to run away – “I’m out of here.” Complete and utter despair.

So we invited her to tell us her origin story. After all, she’s a bit of a superhero who’s been fighting to keep me alive for eons.

Her story began as a bright, shiny soul up in heaven who wanted to know what it was like to be a person. And she waited patiently for her turn to give it a try. She was so excited as she listened to wise elders talking about their experiences as different sorts of beings. (As the story came through me I began to get emotional). She’d had a few experiences as other types of beings and there came an opportunity to go to this planet called Earth, where everyone said it’s really extra-challenging there… especially if you want to be a human being it’s extra, extra challenging because you’re going to become disconnected in ways that other species aren’t disconnected from Source. You’re going to become disconnected in ways that animals and plants are not disconnected from Source. It’s really, really unique. And there’s no way to describe it. You just have to experience it for yourself.

Before committing completely to living a full life, she visited a fetus of her potential mother that wasn’t going to go full term. She wanted to “try on” the DNA to see if it would work for this particular plan at this particular time. To see if all the parameters would work, and they did. Just barely. Because she wanted to come in so badly at this time, despite knowing she might not make it, she went for it. There was something very special about incarnating at this time in history.

So her whole soul family and everybody gathered around and said she’s gonna need a lot more angels. She’s gonna need a lot more help. She’s going to need more support than she’s ever needed before because this one’s gonna be a squeaker by the skin of her teeth.

And yeah, those echoes of wanting to check out are going to be strong because they’ve taken her out before, but she’s one badass mother-fucker, and she’s doing it! But she knows that voice. She knows it very well. It’s taken her out probably more than a couple of times before… because she’s not afraid of pushing the envelope and trying the impossible. And being on the leading edge of creation. She loves to do that. Like riding the front of a wave.

And then I saw imagery of body surfing a wave, wiping out, tumbling and crashing, finding my footing, catching my breath, standing up knowing “I got this” and going on.

I know I’ve taken on more than I could chew in other lifetimes and ended up checking out early, and I’m here for the long haul on this one.

Reaching a good spot to pause, I checked in with my inner child. She was no longer exhausted and full of despair.

Looking over, I see the little girl sitting like she’s in school. She’s sitting wearing a dark skirt and a white blouse, sitting at an old wooden desk like I used back in elementary school. She said “Oh! I’m in the school of life and I just got another lesson. Thank you for the understanding.” And she showed me a synonym for the understanding, the information: a key. For her, it’s also literally a key that unlocks. She says it unlocks her heart. It unlocks stuff that gets blocked up in our heart. It’s the key that turns and unlocks and opens it, and it can be more open.

She’s showing me a ring full of keys, lots of keys on it. She’s showing me putting the key, an old skeleton key, in the lock and opening – it’s my heart opening. And as she “remembers” more from Source it unlocks more for her. She said, “I get it!” It’s the experience of unlocking the heart.

She’s telling me it’s a cycle – I can’t tell what’s before and what’s after because it’s not linear – but it’s the unlocking of her heart as things shift and are let go, which unlocks the pipeline of knowledge to spirit. She said, “Yup, I always thought that school was sitting and learning about stuff,” and she’s pointing to her head. And she said, “But the real school is finding the key, finding this key (as she holds up a key and puts it in her heart) and opening that.. whatever’s locked and blocked up the heart chakra. It’s just finding that key and receiving the spiritual download.”

Once this part of my inner child told her emotional story, had a big epiphany, and was happy again, I thought things were completed for the session. But when my hypnotherapist checked in with her to see how she was doing there was a tiny crumb of her that was still not doing well. Letting that tiny piece know there was no pressure for her to do or say anything other than to just be, it became clear that she needed to speak her peace.

And she did. She was really upset. Through her upset, she told me I’d fucked her up before. She’d done this “lifetime” thing before, being incarnated, only to have me kill myself sending her back to heaven, and this time she wanted to see things through. She didn’t trust me and didn’t believe me and began to call me a liar. “Liar liar, pants on fire!” I saw an image of a young child on the ground throwing a tantrum and didn’t know what to do. I told her I didn’t know about my other lifetimes and I was just doing the best I could, but she wasn’t having any of it.

Seeing that I was stuck, my hypnotherapist asked what the little girl needed. Did she need an apology? Yes.

The little one stood up and said, “I need an apology! You! You owe me!” At this point she was standing, hands on hips, really ticked off, looking right at me. Facing her, I was trying to apologize but a thick, clear wall stood between us. It looked like plexiglass about a foot thick. She kept saying I owed her an apology and I kept trying to get through to her but she couldn’t hear me. We were at an impasse.

When my hypnotherapist asked what the wall was about, I suddenly knew it was anger. Then more information began to flow in. It’s rage. Lifetimes of rage. Rage about getting fucked over… because I couldn’t see the whole picture. (As in, not having the spiritual perspective of things). A moment later the little girl finally said she needed to see more of what happened to her (when I was little). More of the bad stuff.

And what came up was seeing her brother, with a few friends around, pulling off her pants so they could all see what a girl looked like. He was showing off, trying to make himself popular.

I sensed it made the other boys uncomfortable when they saw how upset I’d become, but my brother wasn’t capable of empathy and was clueless. That part of me felt a bit like she’d been gang-raped. It was very traumatic.

The little girl spoke. “What did I do? What did I do to deserve that treatment? I just wanted him to like me. I just wanted him to play with me and he was so mean to me.”

As the little girl talked, higher wisdom began to flow into me.

While part of the brother didn’t understand he was hurting me, the other part of him really like it when he could get me upset because it gave him control over me. It made him feel powerful to make me upset. He didn’t really have empathy. By that time it was gone for him. It was gone. And then I heard… which was part of the (pre-birth) plan. For me it was mortifying, it was embarrassing, it was shameful… it was all the things. When I tried to tell I didn’t get any satisfaction. Either my mother wasn’t in a state of mind to parent, or she just didn’t care, or I don’t know what. She might have been depressed. She was, like, get over it. So… I got over it with my best friend, cookies.

Finally knowing I’d been holding onto lifetimes of rage, when I looked back to the wall it completely dissolved and disappeared. With that, the little one and I hugged as we were now reconnected. She thanked me and the entire spirit team for giving her the rest of the picture and higher wisdom giving her a new perspective. As she began to absorb her new perspective, she was pretty tired, but the longer I watched her, the more she perked up. She also began to age-progress, a sign of integration. At this point, we had reconnected and I saw her back in my heart.

Simultaneously I saw her standing by me in her early to mid-twenties, dressed as a 1970’s hippie flower power girl. She wore bell-bottom pants covered in large print colorful flowers with a matching top. She also wore big, round glasses with pink lenses. When I was in elementary school I loved the whole flower child and hippie thing and had a Rock Flower doll named Dawn.

I also saw a big sunflower. Bright and happy.

It wasn’t lost on me that women’s empowerment and taking care of the planet were a bit controversial when I was growing up, and they’ve been in the news again.

Winding things up, my inner child said, “Damn! I was trapped!”

It felt like she was locked away in a box, and we put the key in the box and it opened (like magic) and set her free. She’s thanking us profusely.

Thanks were given all around while what had just unfolded blew my mind. As complete as the session was, receiving Reiki about ten days later to help integrate my energy field allowed still more of this part of my life to come up. Uncovering the “first violation” seems to have been the opening of a Pandora’s Box of more and related healing.

Earth Angels

Still working my way through Kundalini awakening, my hypnotherapist recently guided me into my inner world to have a conversation with my body. But before going into hypnotherapy, I had a psychic reading a few weeks ago that let me know that when I was young and experienced sexual abuse, I blocked a large part of myself off. The psychic said it related to sensual energy, and it was likely impacting my ability to run Kundalini energy. She believed this block explained my feeling out of sorts and tired, so I wanted to investigate and heal whatever came up. And I was curious to know if it affected food cravings that have been an issue for the past few years.

During that same psychic reading, I discovered that my prebirth plan for this life wasn’t the first plan. There was an earlier plan that would have had me born first of my siblings, but after my mother lost her first pregnancy, the soul who is now my older brother switched things up and was born first. The way she put it, he bullied his way in first. Had my prior plan borne out, I wouldn’t have gone through sexual abuse. Hearing this was a bit tough, but I know my soul agreed to the revised plan for some reason or it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know just how much of my life I could foresee before being born second, but it changed a lot about my life.

Knowing this information, I decided to keep things simple and, using hypnosis, asked my body how we could help it feel better.

Immediately I heard the voice of someone who was very upset. Asking what was wrong, she had all sorts of large, hard, plaque-like things stuck all over her body she couldn’t remove and wanted help. She said the stuff was messing her up. They were messing up her ability to connect with herself. I heard her say, “They’re messing me up. Me. ME.” Then I saw two huge letters, “M” “E” – emphasis on Me.

Following that thread, my hypnotherapist asked me to connect with that part of myself called ‘Me’. When I did, I immediately knew she was five, felt lost, and was cartwheeling in outer space. Her tether had broken and she wanted help. Letting the five-year-old Me speak more, she said, “I’m gone. I’m gone. I thought I could do this but I can’t. I’m outta here. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.” She was talking about life. Something happened that was too much.

Then my attention was drawn to the center of my chest, to my heart, where I saw a big open hole. But it wasn’t just a hole, it looked like one end of something like a funnel-shaped wormhole that went through my body and connected to the world of spirit. It felt like a tunnel we traverse between worlds, and it looked dark and uninviting.

When asked if Me was afraid of the wormhole, I heard her say, “I’m dead. I’m gone.” I suddenly knew she was trying to get back through the wormhole to the other side (spirit), but she can’t. “I’m trying to get back out the way I came in, but I can’t, so I’m dead – that’s it.” And her version of that is cartwheeling in outer space with no tether back to here.

My hypnotherapist asked if we could offer her some sort of tether and Me wasn’t so sure she wanted to come back. Validating her feelings and allowing Me to just be, her resistance to coming back began to melt. Allowing her to speak, Me said I owed her a big apology. We encouraged her to say more. She said I owed her a really big apology because shit didn’t roll out the way it was supposed to.

Becoming a bit emotional I apologized to the five-year-old Me, telling her I didn’t know how life was going to roll out. I kept telling her I was sorry and that I loved her. As I kept apologizing, she got closer and closer, beginning to trust me. I repeated I didn’t know, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know everything that was going to happen. I told her I’m not God. I don’t know every single thing that’s going to happen (in life).

Little Me just looked at me and said, “What do you mean? What do you mean you’re not God? You ARE God! You ARE love! You forgot it!!

As an inner bolt of lightning struck, a dam of emotion burst within me, and an epiphany came forth. She’s here to teach me, to remind me.

“You forgot you’re love!! You forgot there’s that part of you that’s connected to God ALL THE TIME!!!” And she’s stressing ALL… THE… TIME!!! “You forgot that part of you when you were hurt so, so deeply!! That part of you shattered SO BADLY! It shattered. It completely shattered. I just see pieces of glass EVERYWHERE. That part of you completely forgot who you were because you lost faith when your plan was smashed to bits by that asshole. You had an agreement (pre-birth) and he (my older brother) completely disregarded it. He did what he always does, and it was too much. Because you knew what was coming down the pike. You saw his actions would have all kinds of repercussions he couldn’t see, wouldn’t see. You knew all that shit was coming and you were like, Fuck no! I’m not doing it!”

Continuing on, she said, “But what you didn’t see, what you didn’t know was how much help you’d have. You were so cut off from everything and everybody, and everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. You didn’t know about all your Earth Angels!! You didn’t know your Aunt was looking after you. You didn’t know your classmate would go to the other side and become a guardian for you. And there are other Earth Angels you don’t know about who are looking out for you. Who protected you, and kept secrets about the past until it was time for you to share them.” She’s saying “You have only the slightest idea of all the Earth Angels that have been helping you throughout your life. There are SO many. SO many.

This is about knowing you’re protected on Earth.

As I looked back at this little part of me, she’s growing up, no longer a little girl. She’s looking at me, like, ‘Phew! Thank God! You finally got it! Thank you!’ (laughing)

I have been protected on Earth throughout this whole journey, even when I didn’t know it – couldn’t see it, and will be protected for the rest of my life. We’re all protected during our lives, but most people don’t know it.

When my hypnotherapist asked how all this related to my issues with food and eating, wisdom flowed from my Higher Self.

This all relates to the ‘pleasures of life’. Food is one. There are many. Yes. This does relate to physical pleasures in life. Absolutely.

Thinking about how this aspect of me who came forth was five, and knowing something devastating happened to me when I was five, I was allowed to see a bit of what it was. I was told it’s ok for me to know this now. I can handle it. I saw enough to know it was the first physical violation that shut me down. And it absolutely relates to the physical pleasures of life. I get the sense that food was a salve because I saw a scene of my little five-year-old eating cookies trying to feel better, trying to push the icky feeling out of her mind. Food helped her blunt the pain and trauma. She knew what happened wasn’t right and wasn’t ok because I keep hearing her repeat, “the icky feeling in my body, the icky feeling in my body.” And when she would eat or even when she’d just go play she could forget about it. And after a while, she kinda forgot about it. Yup. That definitely shut her down, big time.

With the trauma released, it was safe to have this memory back.

Moving forward, my hypnotherapist mentioned one of the intentions for the session was to offer this part of me who still reaches for food some sort of healing or support, and asked how we could do this.

Immediately, I saw this now more grown-up aspect standing and saying, “You heard me. You were the first person who actually listened and paid attention, and HEARD me.”

It sounded like she tried to tell someone and they blew her off. “Nobody would listen to me.” I saw her standing there and actually looking really good. She said, “I just needed to be heard. And acknowledged. And seen. And you have done that. And thank you so much.”

Then, a big energy beam emanating from her heart connected back to my heart (as I got very emotional). She looked at me and said, “Yup! Reconnection!” With very playful energy, I saw her jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline, and she jumped up and dove back into my heart saying, “I’m home now baby! I’m home!” And then I heard “I’m back! I’m back! I’m back in the saddle again” sung by Aerosmith.

Moving forward some more, my hypnotherapist asked how all this relates to my Kundalini energy and my feeling tired and out of sorts. Right off the bat, I heard “We’re working on it and making really big progress. And this was huge.” I could see that my Kundalini energy is flowing, but there are some energy blocks that have put a sort of stranglehold on it, choking it a bit here and there. And with every healing it’s allowed to flow and expand a bit more.

When it came to getting answers about my not feeling like myself and being so tired, spirit got cagey and wouldn’t give me any further info other than to remind me that my soul loves surprises and to keep doing what I’ve been doing (healing sessions). I was told that I was getting closer and closer to the finish line and when I got there it would be well worth all the shit I’ve been going through to get there. And all the pain and difficulty would fade away like a bad dream. They told me I’m doing a great job and they’re so proud of me, and to just keep going.

The session wrapped up with the reminder that although I’ve gotten good at remembering I’ve got a team in spirit helping me in life (as I received a massive hug from them), today’s message was all about remembering I’ve got help in people around me. There’s been a big focus on not being understood by those around me, but I’m being reminded it’s ok. They don’t have to understand to want to support me and love me.

Since the session, I felt better and more present than I’ve felt in a very long time for about three days. It was heavenly! Not 100% back to myself, but so much more. However, more recently things have taken a step… not really back… but perhaps sideways? There’s still some more healing to be done, but this was a doozy. It was huge. And now I know I’ve got a giant posse of Earth Angels helping me through life.

Know that when you go through trials in life you’re never alone.

The Illusion of Time

One of the first things I learned about when interests in the afterlife and energy healing entered my life was how our perceptions here in the physical world are different from when we exist in spirit. And one essential difference between these worlds is how time functions.

Time here on Earth is a very real thing that you can set your watch by. Literally. As a person with a very logical mind, very left-brained, I’ve always had a keen awareness of time and could estimate its passage pretty well. If someone told me I had fifteen minutes left to finish a test in school, I understood it. I had a sense of fifteen minutes and what I could get done in that time frame.

As a former ship’s navigator, part of my job involved time: calculating voyage plans and when on watch being able to calculate when the ship would be at a certain place at a specific time. It was my job to make sure we could get from point A to point B on time, even if the two points were almost seven thousand miles apart. Yup. My longest voyage plan. And when we were entering into a port or leaving one, quickly calculating the time we’d be at certain positions for the captain was often my job.

The first time I experienced a significant distortion of time was when I discovered hypnosis. When I came out of what felt like about ten minutes in hypnosis, the actual time passed was around forty minutes. It blew my mind! Most of us experience time distortions regularly when we daydream or get lost in our thoughts. Or when we’re doing something we love. Because it’s such a part of everyday life, we don’t really think about time other than relating to a clock.

I’m perpetually fascinated by listening to people’s near-death experiences, and they often talk about having a detailed experience of the other side that felt like hours when in our reality only several minutes passed.

One of the things I love about energy healing is the disregard for time as we perceive it, other than being mindful of my practitioner’s time and being on time for an appointment. Energy healing in general acknowledges that we carry energy blockages that were created in the past. We intuitively see or pick up on time frames. One of my earlier hypnotic experiences had the hypnotherapist regress me back to the initiation of a feeling, and when I reached that point he asked me how old I was. Without even thinking, a number would pop instantly into my mind. Three years old, eighteen months old, three months old, in the womb, before I entered a physical body. It was mind-blowing!

I’d see a scene in my mind’s eye and be walked through a healing process. At the end of the process, not only would the block have been dissolved, but everything attached to it at different ages and stages would change as well like dominos falling or pulling a thread in a chain stitch. Things that happened decades ago, or even in another lifetime would finally be addressed and dissolved. Time wasn’t relevant.

One of the things this has taught me is that when I get upset about something in the here and now, it has legs to the past. Always. 100% of the time. And if I notice a pattern of becoming upset regularly in the same situation, I’ve now got the power to either try to change the situation or heal my own upset.

After doing a lot of healing work, I began to notice that sometimes my body would begin to react even before my healing session. You see, when I’m in a session I look for discomfort or a part of me who’s unhappy and putting up some form of resistance, which is why using hypnosis is a great tool. I’m detached enough from my body to notice things like physical tightness or my heart beginning to pound without needing to react. I become the observer. I go after these uncomfortable sensations to find out what’s at their root. And sometimes just before a healing session, I’d notice my body tensing up or getting irrationally nervous.

My relationship with food has become a good barometer for me. When I notice getting food cravings and wanting to nibble when I’m not physically hungry, there’s something inside that’s unhappy and is available to become healed. The past five years, being a constant barrage of things coming up to be healed, has been rough on my weight. I’ve gained quite a bit and over this past winter my eating has not only been not so great for my weight, but for my blood sugar as well.

After a recent medical check-up, I’ve been doubling down on my efforts to eat better. And yet the days post check-up have been plagued by food cravings. Cravings for a specific candy and wanting to nibble on salty and crunchy snacks even though I’d just eaten a meal have truly sucked.

I finally realized that what I’ll be addressing in an upcoming healing session is already trying to become known. Whatever part of my consciousness that’s been living deep down is rising up. And it’s affecting my relationship with food, my #1 challenge. Food has long been my medicine: the thing that once upon a time made the pain of life bearable. And as much healing as I’ve done specifically to do with food cravings, I think what’s coming up relates to food cravings but goes beyond them. My food cravings are a symptom of something deeper. Just like gaining weight is merely a symptom of something deeper.

And it won’t be long before I get some answers.

Energetic Swiss Cheese

My Kundalini awakening is very different from most that I’m aware of. Although yes, the energy is pushing up things in me that don’t resonate with oneness so I can heal them, most people take action to match their changing consciousness.

What I mean by that is when their job no longer resonates with their new consciousness they leave their job and get a different one. Or when relationships no longer resonate with their new consciousness they end. And sometimes people move. Many people who go through kundalini awakening experience changes to their consciousness which then spur changes in their outer lives.

In my case, a dysfunctional (sibling) relationship has effectively ended. But I haven’t gotten divorced, haven’t moved, and haven’t quit my job because I can’t quit being a mother (despite how challenging raising my son can be). My exterior life looks much the same, despite my consciousness having shifted quite a bit.

And part of it is because I haven’t had the physical energy to do much more than the absolute bare necessities, and part is because of how deeply my emotional wounds and triggers are being healed.

That said, my energetic boundaries were blown apart when Kundalini energy opened and I’ve been working constantly ever since to create new energetic boundaries through healing my inner world. And quite frankly, my awakening experience has been one of incredible amounts of experiencing both pain and having compassion. Embodying others’ inner disconnection and healing what’s within me that’s resonating with their shit.

It’s miserable to embody things I’ve already healed, only to have to heal them more deeply and broadly. Things I’m not even conscious of until they’re healed and awareness finally hits my consciousness. Sometimes this awakening process has me feeling out of sorts and foggy, and sometimes my body manifests pain and discomfort or exhaustion that is not indicative of an illness process. It’s just resonating with someone else’s unhealed wounds until I’m able to heal things. Until whatever’s still in me finally comes up, shifts, and releases. I barely even have to try when it comes to the energetic shift; they happen so easily in the right conditions.

Although I’ve experienced temporary body aches and itchiness that comes and goes, a new physical “symptom” that yes, I’ve seen two doctors about, and is not illness, bothered me for several days a month ago, and came back. And it was fucking miserable. Itching and big discomfort in an area of the body known for having delicate tissues. And both times it showed up, it corresponded with having a house guest I’d rather not have while I’m so not myself and while my energetic boundaries are still Swiss cheese.

I didn’t know how much of the miserable discomfort was physically based, and how much had to do with unconscious resonance with either my family or our guest or even something else going on in the collective, but the apex of discomfort came the day our guest went home, which was the day before a healing session I’d already had on the books. And thankfully, the morning of the session I woke up a bit more comfortable that the excruciating day before.

Healing my way through this awakening is creating very deep, generational healing, is changing my consciousness, and is broadening my awareness of not only my life, but of the human condition in general and issues that affect the collective. And with each healing I’m remembering more of who I am at my core, becoming more centered and grounded, am releasing more of my human-created beliefs, and am shoring up my energetic boundaries.

Stay tuned to see what came up as it was healed.

Healing Pain

The further along in my Kundalini awakening process I walk, the more universal the spiritual wisdom comes through me. Feeling the need to release built up internal pressure, I recently did healing work again. This time with someone new. She was recommended by a fellow Kundalini awakening experiencer, and one of the modalities the healer is versed in is hypnotherapy.

Arriving a little bit early to my appointment, I was surprised to find the door beneath the business’s sign locked and shades drawn, looking very much closed. But I reasoned the practitioner might be running late and I was probably her first appointment of the day. Yet about five minutes past our appointment time, it occurred to me that the office might be within a set of doors behind me that led to several offices up a flight of stairs. Being so utterly discombobulated and out of it (because I needed to do some releasing big time), I hadn’t realized that the number of her office denoted being on the second floor of the building, and I’d been waiting outside a storefront of a former, now out-of-business business.

Finally getting a clue and finding the cozy upstairs office, I found the practitioner and rambled on about confusedly waiting downstairs, instead of just apologizing for being late.

Working with anyone new always takes a bit of getting to know each other, and we sat and talked for quite a while. Trying to focus on what I wanted to accomplish in the session, I talked at length about not only how I’ve used hypnosis over the past several years, but that it was the gateway to Kundalini energy cracking open. I spoke about what my awakening process has been and what I specifically wanted from her, which was very simple to my mind. All I wanted was for her to help guide me to my own inner wisdom to ask what was ready to leave and to have her essentially hold space and use her own intuition to help my process. These days I don’t need to go deep and I’m able to let the process unfold on its own. But I seem to need another person to help me by being the safe container and the witness.

Knowing I was going to have a hypnosis session in this first visit, I expected to talk for about half an hour or so and have 45 minutes to an hour for the hypnosis. But the practitioner seemed to go on for quite a while. I could see her listening to my story, asking lots of questions, fitting it into her ayurvedic boxes.

At one point it felt like the more I tried to explain the unexplainable and focus in on what I wanted, the bigger the gap opened between us. And when something inside began to fear she wasn’t right for me, which only brought up more fear and feelings of defeat, I stopped talking and just sat and listened. (In hind sight, I’m pretty sure I was picking up on her stuff because my system was very open and discombobulated – not grounded or centered). She described some of the processes she teaches people, like sitting in their pain and giving them new frameworks for understanding their bodies and functions, and I just listened. I wasn’t interested in learning yet another framework. Allopathic medicine, naturopathic medicine, homeopathic medicine, acupuncture and Chinese medicine, Energy Healing, Qi Gong, Tai Chi, the Chakra System, the Five Elements, and so much more.

When I first became interested in Energy Healing and discovered Deborah King, she spoke often about people’s doshas (ayurvedic body type), so I had a little bit of familiarity, but in the moment I was barely in my body and was looking for healing ASAP to help bring me back to Earth.

Finally, she told me she’s all about facilitating whatever someone needs and asked me if I wanted to do some hypnosis. And I just about yelled that’s why I was there! Suddenly, all sorts of excitement came over me and I couldn’t wait to lie on her table in her tiny healing inner sanctum. Barely able to stop talking, I laid on her comfy table and relaxed as she anointed my forehead with essential oils, put on soothing music, and did her thing. I was a tiny bit nervous just because we’d never worked together before, but soon relaxed into the process.

Smelling the oils, and relaxing into the music and the comfy table, she talked me down very quickly and asked that my inner wisdom come forward to let us know what was ready to be released. Paying attention to my body and any visions that began to come into my third eye, I noticed the back of my neck being a bit uncomfortable and the vision of a little girl appearing.

I’ve connected so many times with my inner child that these days she shows up easily. Cowering in fear, the young child was once again accusing me of lying to her. Of telling her life in a physical body here on Earth would be an adventure. That it would be fun. But to her, life was pain. It was all sorts of discomfort and pain. Before long, I saw an older version of myself, around twenty-four, come into the scene and cradle the little one in her arms. The older one held and supported the younger one, comforting her. As the little one threw a tantrum repeating, “You lied to me!” the “you” soon meant not me, the woman typing these words, but God. The God in me.

And then I downloaded that this was a soul injury. My very soul was hurting.

Then, off to my right I had the sense of yet another someone being present. And although I couldn’t see this other someone, I knew they were holding a higher energetic vibration, much like what Archangel Michael does for me.

At one point the practitioner asked if I could hold space for both the versions of my younger selves and the being holding the higher vibration, and without hesitation the answer came back a resounding “No!” I would not be left in limbo when the goal was to heal and release.

A moment later, the scene of the twenty-four year old still cradling the little girl became encased in a giant egg shaped field of energy and the outside was black. I knew the blackness was merely a hard outer shell that was asking to be cracked open. And I knew there was light inside dying to get out. Looking at the big black shape, relaxing into the resistance and wondering what it was, the word PAIN suddenly peppered itself all over the outside. What wanted to be seen, recognized, validated and witnessed was pain.

It was all the pain I’d felt as a little girl, pain I’d felt at other times in my life and in other lifetimes, and even pain happening in the world right now as we’re all going through massive upheaval and evolution, cracking shells of comfort, ego, and the human shadow open.

As I thought about my own Kundalini awakening process and how painful it’s been, I wondered how much more pain do I have to process before I can feel like myself again every day. Thinking about when this might happen, I saw the word, “WHEN” appear as the massive letters overlaying the entire scene. And the question was instantly answered, “Soon. Not too much longer now. Not much more pain to transmute. Hang in there. You’re doing great.” (In the realm of spirit, since time doesn’t exist, soon in this case could be weeks or months, but likely not years).

Refocusing on how to heal the pain, the practitioner helped me continue to relax into it and as I remembered it’s not my job to know how things will happen, I suddenly saw the word LOVE peppered all over the outside of the hard, black shell. Although I could still see the words, PAIN, with a big emotional release of tears, LOVE began to work its magic.

The scene with the large black energetic shell covered with the words, PAIN and LOVE began to dissolve. Both versions of my younger selves encased within the blackness simply began to dissolve. And when I was asked how my little inner child was doing, I knew she was happy. She was no longer upset and no longer in resistance to being here in physical form.

With inner resistance having been addressed and released, the practitioner asked me about the new wisdom I held. What was it? Pain blocks love, and love heals pain. As simple as that.

With that the session ended. Although it was pretty quick, it was effective. Not much of an induction, but apparently I didn’t need it.

Since the session, I find myself feeling more centered and focused. More present and more like myself. Not so much when I first wake up in the morning, but after engaging in activities.

Looks like I’ve found another local practitioner to work with. I really like the space she’s created and has inhabited for almost a decade.

What’s Fascinating Me Now

The larger part of my Kundalini awakening has had me addressing inner disconnection. Soul separation. There are many names for essentially the same thing. And seeing how my consciousness separated during the younger years of my life, I realize that each and every moment felt traumatic to my younger self. Every moment was an instance of the straw that broke the camel’s back. Instances when the part of myself who knew herself as perfect, divine, and eternal could no longer take the pain of physical incarnated life and the brain took over creating reasons (beliefs) explaining away why things felt so painful and intolerable.

Diving into my inner world I’ve seen time and time again my consciousness splitting during these traumatic moments, and the parts of myself who knew I was perfect, eternal, and divine going underground. They tucked themselves here and there in my body for safe keeping and I became completely unaware of them. I forgot what happened and forgot what they knew.

Healing has been an ongoing process of reconnecting with these parts of myself, these lost or disconnected parts of my inner child, and helping them shift their beliefs. Helping them shift their stuck perceptions. And as they change, so do I. Fear leaves. Anger leaves. Mistrust leaves. Grief leaves. Remorse leaves. Judgment leaves. And so much more. And when I say these things leave I don’t mean like having a drink to feel mellow for a while. I’m talking about a permanent change to my consciousness. To how I experience myself and the world.

What’s left behind after healing is often memories or part of my life’s story but without negative emotions that used to accompany it. I can remember things I experienced without becoming emotionally tanked by them anymore. And I can write and speak about them with compassion and empathy for the little girl who lived through them. Because that little girl is in such a good place after she’s been involved in a healing, there’s no pity for her either. She’s all good.

One of the beautiful things about working with trained and talented healers is the safety they provide. My healing sessions never address anything I’m not ready to face because if I’m not ready to face something it won’t become available. I won’t be able to access it until I’m able to process it. And if I’m working with someone intuitive, they won’t be given access to see anything I’m not able to process. My team in spirit always has my back.

In the past I’ve worked with a few people whose process became a bit uncomfortable after a while, and I should have let them know so they could have shifted the way they worked. But it didn’t occur to me until I worked with someone else who let me know right up front that my comfort and feeling safe was her number one priority.

Through all the lessons I’ve learned about myself and lessons I’ve learned working with several different types of healers and therapists, and working with different individuals within one genre of healing, I’ve learned a lot about trauma and about healing it. These days I’ve been fascinated to watch people talk about the subject of trauma, what it looks like, and how to heal from it.

There are so many misconceptions about what’s traumatic, what it does to a person, and if it can even be healed, that at some point, when I’m further along in my own process, I’d like to get some sort of formal training to help people heal from trauma and anything else in their life that’s not going well. I’d like to help people reconnect with their wounded inner child and bring them back home by guiding them safely within.

Down The Rabbit Hole Again

A few weeks ago I went down the rabbit hole again, diving into my unconscious mind, asking my Higher Self what was ready to leave. Because Kundalini energy is still quite active in my body, it’s pushing all sorts of forms of inner disconnection up to the surface where I use healing methods to address and reconnect what needs to be attended to. My favorite modality being working with a hypnotherapist. These days, a spiritual hypnotherapist.

Sometimes when I have a healing session there’s something in particular I want to address, but there are times I can’t recognize anything specific, so we simply ask my Higher Self, the spiritual wisdom so integrally connected with Source Energy, what’s ready to be addressed and healed. And as I release more and more of what’s not in alignment with my soul, my perspective of life changes to one of more understanding and compassion.

After my hypnotherapist talked me down until I was fully relaxed and focused on her voice, she had me enter my sacred space. A room I pictured in my mind that is filled with healing light and comfy chairs. It’s a warm and welcoming place, yet this time I struggled to feel comfortable. As soon as I got there, inner disconnection was raring to go, wanting to be recognized.

The moment my hypnotherapist asked my Higher Self what was ready to be released that day, a voice quickly replied.

“I don’t even fucking know.”

I could tell I was connected to an aspect of myself who was generally upset. She felt like a teenager. I could tell she was upset about something, but I didn’t know what. She was very angry. She kept repeating “Fuck You!!” and pointing to me. She said, “It’s all your fault.” “You stupid bitch!”

I decided to let her speak as much as she wanted. Then she said, “Oh, now you want to hear me speak? NOW you want to hear me? Before it was all Shut up – close your mouth – don’t say a word – pretend like it never happened.” She’s upset about having to keep her mouth shut about… stuff. It feels like more than one thing. It was every time she had to bite her tongue or not speak up. She’s VERY angry. Angry about every time she wanted to speak up and I would shut her up. [I’d shut her up so she wouldn’t get attacked by our mother, for example.] She’s got a real potty mouth today. She was saying, “You assholes are killing me!!”

Hypnotherapist: Sounds like a lot of stuff’s been bottled up for a long time.

Me: Yeah. And she says it’s not fair. (Getting a little bit emotional). “Nobody listens to me.”

Hypnotherapist: We are listening now.

I let this inner aspect of myself speak her truth. As I looked at her, I saw her neck. But it wasn’t a regular neck. It looked like a section of tree trunk covered by skin, and the trunk was solidly plugging up her neck and her ability to speak up for herself. It was wider than her head, like a cartoon, and represented where she was stifled, muzzled.

Really pissed off, she said, “And how do you like that? Not fun, huh? And what are you going to do about it? Nothing. You’re not going to do a damned thing.”

Hypnotherapist: Well, what we can do is listen. If she could be heard, and she’s being heard now, what would she want to say? And who would she want to say it to?

Me: She’s showing me an army of people coming to help her out, killing all the idiots who made her shut up. I can see a battle field where there are all these soldiers on horseback riding toward her ready to kill all the idiots that made her shut her mouth, where she couldn’t speak. They’re attacking them, killing them.

Hypnotherapist: If that’s what she needs, that’s what she needs.

Me: It’s weird because even as that’s playing out, she’s like, no, that’s not right either. (She’s aware of karma and the revenge cycle). Starting to get upset. And then she’s looking at this neck that’s so big, like a tree trunk, and she says “I need to fix this.” She needs to fix her neck. This is not right.

Hypnotherapist: So, can we call in some Divine assistance to help heal her neck?

Me: I think so (crying).

And with that, my hypnotherapist invited in Divine help. The first thing I saw was a cartoon fairy godmother, like from a Disney movie, come in. But a moment later a scary, hairy, Sasquatch looking monster came and blocked the assistance.

When we asked who the monster was – what he represented – I knew that part of it represented my predatory older brother. And when my hypnotherapist asked what it would take for the monster to step aside and allow for the healing to take place, the monster said, “Never!”

When we asked why the monster was blocking the healing, the answer came quickly.

Me: (crying) He still wants my energy. And I can see the little one, and she’s just saying, “Asshole, asshole, get away from me.” And he’s just standing there saying, “Nope! I’m not moving an inch! I’m going to stand here like a brick wall.”

Hypnotherapist: He’s very stubborn.

Me: And the little one’s getting really frustrated…. cause she’s so small compared to him.

Hypnotherapist: So it sounds like we need some additional support here as well. Is there anything this monster needs to say?

Me: You know it’s funny… as soon as you said additional support I could see my younger self, who’s now younger than a teenager, and she’s just like, “Nope! I’ve got this!” She’s like, “I’m going to take care of this big, bad, bully!” (getting really emotional)

Hypnotherapist: Good! Yeah!

Me: (crying) She just said, “I’m going to kick him out!” He’s nothing but a weak, pitiful, asshole, bully.” She keeps saying, “I’m going to kick him to the curb.”

Hypnotherapist: Good! She’s amazing!

Me: I can see he’s still standing there. He hasn’t moved yet. She’s getting more confident and more fierce. Just like, “Screw you, asshole! You’re not taking any of my power anymore.” And I can see that she’s getting bigger – not older but physically larger. So instead of her being this teeny thing and the monster being really big, it’s sort of switching up so she’s getting really big and the monster is getting really small. She’s getting ready to kick him into outer space, but she’s not quite there. It’s weird… this big monster, he shrunk down and shrunk down and shrunk down and just as she’s about to kick him into outer space he just turned (massive epiphany and big sobbing release) …. he just turned into this little kitten. Like this tiny, helpless kitten. And it looks so pitiful. And she just wants to pick him up and hold him. It’s like she has nothing but love for this little, tiny, pitiful kitten. It’s just the most pitiful little thing. (still crying) It’s this little helpless thing, and she’s looking at it saying, “You really are this pitiful thing.”

(Another massive epiphany with an outburst of tears). And she said, “But I can’t take care of you. That’s not my job.” … and she sent the kitten back to God. And she said they’re going to take care of you. She’s just handing the kitten over to Jesus who’s going to take it back to God. It’s just this pitiful little thing who’s lost. Really lost. (taking a moment to breathe). And I can see Jesus walking away with him… heading for God with this little kitten.

Hypnotherapist: And how is the little girl and the older version of the little girl – the teenager, the young woman? How’s her neck?

Me: I looked back to the teenager and when I look at her neck it’s just perfect. And it’s funny because she was like, Oh! Wait a minute! There’s nothing wrong with my neck anymore. It’s perfect! She’s like… I feel great! Yeah. She’s moving her head all around, checking it out. Yup! Everything works great!

And with that, we finished up the session.

With the release and healing of this energetic block, the dysfunctional dynamic between me and my older, predatory brother has been healed. He was an energy vampire sucking my energy. And as I did healing work, I not only let go of the pain he caused me, but saw and released him.

Will this be the final layer healed between us? As much as it feels like it is, I can’t say for sure. Time will tell.

Because he’s family and is still alive, and because I care about his (now grown) children, it will likely take a while for things to fully sort themselves out.

In the meanwhile, lifetimes of choking back my truth, not being able to speak out for myself, came up to be addressed and healed on this day.

A Healing Story: Hell

A few weeks ago I dove into my inner world to bring up whatever was ready to be seen and heard, and to be released. With Kundalini energy very active in my body, it’s crucial to have regular healing sessions. Because I couldn’t identify something specific to be addressed, we decided to go into hypnosis to help me connect with my higher self and ask for healing. The beauty about working with the higher self is how safe it is. We can’t hurt ourselves when we work in concert with our soul.

After being relaxed through the induction phase of the session, my hypnotherapist began to walk me down a flight of stairs, taking me deeper into focused relaxation. Usually, she’ll have me walk down some stairs, a common hypnosis technique where the client is further relaxed with each step, and then she’ll have me enter what’s essentially a safe place where we do the work, also another common hypnosis technique.

What was different this time was beginning to access my inner mind as I was walking down the stairs. Before I even got to my “safe place” I began to see the color red. Lots of red. And when I got to the door to my safe place it was charred by fire. The word Satan came to me, along with “the fires of hell.” I was entering hell.

When I went into my safe place it was completely smoke and fire damaged, with scorch marks on the walls and everything in the room. I knew they were references to Satan and hell.

Once in the room, my hypnotherapist asked my soul what was ready to be released today. She asked, “What is wanting to be acknowledged, seen, heard, and released?”

Immediately, I became emotional and the word “rage” came to me.

From my session transcript: I just heard, “Lifetimes of rage.” I feel hell. Literal hell. And I see a lot of red. Everything’s just red. And it’s like blood, too. It’s interesting because the red feels like it signifies Satan and hell, and it feels like rage, and it’s also blood. Like bleeding. Like blood not in a positive way. It feels like life force energy just draining out of me (crying more). Like I’m being sucked dry. I can see a corpse that’s just skin and bones. It’s all gray. There’s no life in it at all. And it’s… me (crying). It’s this part of me that’s completely lifeless and dead. Just see gray, the skin looks weathered like it’s been out in the sun, skin stretched over bone and it’s gray. There’s no flesh and no life. It’s just horrible. (Crying more). I can hear a voice now. She’s just screaming. She’s just standing there and screaming WHAT THE FUCK?? And she’s very young. She’s standing there saying I’m six!!… and what the fuck is going on here?!!! She says this isn’t what it’s supposed to be like.

My hypnotherapist sympathized with my inner child and let her speak some more.

From my session transcript: She (my inner child) just said your family’s supposed to love you… and mine is hell! And she wants to run away. She wants the hell to end. She wants to run away, but what she really wants is for the hell to end. It’s just horrible. And she just sits there saying, “This sucks so bad.” She keeps saying, “I don’t want to be here.” “This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.” She said, “I’m too young to know Satan.”

Seeing my inner child in so much pain and despair, my hypnotherapist asked if there was a way we could help her. Trying to connect her with a wise, adult version of herself was rebuffed. The little one wouldn’t accept help because she said people are Satan. They lie. I chimed in suggesting we call on someone Divine.

Upon my hypnotherapist calling for someone Divine to come in to help this little one who was in so much pain, it felt like my entire spirit team and then some showed up. I saw a huge group of beings, from ascended masters to angels to my guardians and ancestors, and even some star beings completely encircle my inner child. She was sitting on the ground in the middle, with her head down. Part of her knew they were all there but she was still a little bit afraid to look up because she was afraid Satan was there too.

We talked to the little one, trying to convince her to look up and open her eyes, but she was stuck in fear. As I tried to reach her, it seemed like there was some little thing where she didn’t trust… whammo! Epiphany! Emotional release of tears.

My inner child doesn’t trust herself because as a soul she knows she came here intentionally but she thought it was going to be different from how it’s been. She thought it was going to be a good experience, but it’s not. And part of her thinks it might not be good until she hits the end of her life (when she dies). (Big sobs). Part of her is afraid it’s just going to be painful until the end. And she thinks that if she doesn’t open her eyes then she won’t have to face the feeling that the rest of her life is going to be only endless pain. There won’t be any rest or break from it. So she doesn’t trust that when she opens her eyes it’s going to change.

A few moments after this realization, Mother Mary walked up to her.

From my session transcript: (Huge emotional release of sobbing). Mother Mary picked her up and held her in her arms. I can see the little one just wrapped around her with her face buried in Mother Mary’s shoulder, and she trusts Mother Mary, and Mary’s just hugging her and just loving on her. She’s not even saying a word. Just loving on her, letting her know that she’s ok and that she’s perfect… and that everything’s going to be all right. I can see the little one… she’s actually hearing it. She picked up her head and said, “It is?” She gets it. It’s getting through to her. “Everything’s going to be ok.” She and Mother Mary are talking telepathically. Mother Mary is saying, “Of course, my darling. Life is bumpy, but it’s not all pain.” She’s just saying, “You can do this! I’ve got your back!” And now (more crying) the Little One is opening her eyes to everyone else that’s standing around her, protecting her, looking after her, looking out for her. She’s turning in a big circle, looking around, all the way around, saying, “Wow! I had no idea.” They’re shoulder to shoulder around her, kind of like a fort. She feels like she’s in a fort, and they’re all around her. Some of them have staffs or rods, some of them have swords, some have wings and some don’t. Some are regular people. There are even some beings from other planets. And they’re all radiating pure love and protection. I can see the energy from them beaming onto her as she stands in the middle of the circle, and Mother Mary’s standing next to her still… just being with her. Mary’s holding the little one’s hand and she keeps saying, “Wow! This is amazing. I had no idea!” She’s just taking it all in. They’re (Mother Mary and the little one) holding hands in the middle of the big circle. The little one just said, “Yup! No Satan here! It’s just all love and light. She’s taking it all in. And as she does, she’s becoming happy. Her mood is lifting. She’s standing there saying, “Wow, this is really cool!” Yeah, she’s really good now.

At this point, my hypnotherapist asked if the Divine beings had any wisdom to impart.

I saw Mother Mary directly address the little girl, and she said, “I know it’s been rough, and you now know you’re not walking this path alone. You’ve got great support. Even if you don’t know it or if you forget it, it’s always there. This road right now is a very challenging one, but it’s never more than you are able to handle.”

My hypnotherapist asked if there was any guidance for me regarding waiting for separation from my older, abusive brother to be completed, and the only thing that was said had to do with time. Basically, I’ve done everything I can do and now I have to wait, which I’m finding challenging. My patience is wearing thin, but it’s out of my hands.

Apparently, my soul doesn’t want to know about some things too far ahead because then they wouldn’t be a surprise. And at least according to my soul, surprises are part of the fun of life. And the longer and more drawn out some (unpleasant) things are, the sweeter it is when they’re finally done. This is some of the juice our soul loves to squeeze out of life.

With the imparting of divine wisdom complete, my hypnotherapist ended the session. And what a surprise it was to connect with this little six-year-old who had been stuck in hell: a creation of her making by holding onto mistrust and lifetimes of rage. Religions love to teach that Hell is a place our souls can become stuck in for eternity, but I know otherwise. Hell is a state we create, a feeling, and we can just as easily uncreate and let it go.

Because of so much rage coming out in the world right now, especially with the Black Lives Matter movement growing, it was not surprising that what came up in the session was lifetimes of rage. With Kundalini energy still very active, I resonate with the collective consciousness.

Since the session, with this bit of my inner child happy again, I’ve noticed a new lightness inside.

Healing Value

After my last healing session, the one where part of my inner child came back, I felt strong, empowered, and had energy and clarity like I hadn’t had in months. For almost a week it stayed with me. Until it didn’t. I don’t know what flipped the switch, but it probably had to do with my inner world shifting and changing, or my physical body changing to meet my new energetic template. I honestly don’t know. Might have been a bit of both.

The part of me who was ready to be addressed was the little girl in me who was raped for the first time. She knew it was wrong and to be able to cope with it she labeled herself as Used Goods. I’ve addressed a part of me who carried this same belief and healed her a number of years ago. But our consciousness exists at different levels. When this belief came up before, I associated it with when I’d given birth to a product of incest, out of wedlock. This time, the association was slightly different. Over the course of my awakening that started over three years ago, I’m revisiting things previously healed, but at my new level of consciousness.

This time, when my inner child spoke she carried blame for having just been raped by her brother, yet instantly recognized it wasn’t her fault. She reached the point of not being able to go on, and when my adult self tried to offer her help she put up a hand telling me not yet. There was more that needed to be seen and heard.

When I wondered what it was, a monster appeared looking like a dragon that was completely black. The monster grabbed my inner child by the wrist and pulled her, trying to take her away. She cried and cried, bawling that the monster was trying to steal her soul. She fought with all her might but couldn’t escape it. The monster represented my brother.

Finally, as the monster tried to take her away, we asked if it was time to bring in help. Yes. With this part of me in a tug of war for her soul, we asked for someone of the highest divine energy to come help her. Archangel Michael showed up looking pure gold, wielding his massive broadblade sword. Immediately, he sliced through the monster’s arm, setting my inner child free.

But the monster’s ugly black claw of a hand wouldn’t let go of her wrist. Try as she may, she couldn’t pry the claws from her wrist. Then an idea popped into her head! She asked Michael if she could borrow his sword to pry it off, and the moment she grasped the hilt of the sword, she completely transformed.

No longer a child, I saw a woman standing about ten feet tall, wearing robes much like those of Archangel Michael, and was pure gold. The energy she carried was pure divine strength. And her self-value grew to match her divinity. Noticing the black claws on her wrist, she gave her wrist a quick shake, sending the monster’s hand flying. She took the sword and hacked and chopped the monster to bits.

No longer Used Goods, this part of me stood tall and proud and looking over to Archangel Michael noticed he was still holding a sword. With a release of tears, she suddenly realized her value, as symbolized by her sword, was hers all along. Archangel Michael hadn’t given her his sword, he’d given her back her own. She’d only temporarily forgotten her value and strength.

It was a tremendous and very intense session, leaving me not only tired but holding a sense of my own value that is beyond money.

Because of being in the midst of dealings with the brother who molested me, I’m not at all surprised this part of my inner child came up to be healed. This is how I work. Whatever is most up in my grill at the moment is what’s ready to be addressed and healed.

So many of us have experiences in childhood that essentially rob us of our sense of value, our self worth. And a person doesn’t have to be abused. Going through anything that attaches feelings of shame will do it. The beauty of healing is it changes you from the inside out. Lets go of the inner critic and allows the divine self to flow through more and more, bringing strength and inner peace.

Remembering

Memory is a tricky thing. We remember some things in our life and forget others. And when we experience trauma, our brain protects us by not allowing us to remember more than we’re able to handle. We forget all sorts of details, and can forget the traumatic experience altogether. For most of my adult life I’ve had almost no memory of my life before the age of thirteen or fourteen.

What’s really shocking is how two people can remember the same experience in polar opposite ways. Just a quick note to say that the latter part of this post may be a bit disturbing.

When I have healing sessions I travel back in time and address parts of myself who are stuck in time, relegated to my subconscious. The thing is, even when we forget things there’s a part of us who remembers every experience we’ve ever had. And we can access forgotten memories safely using a properly trained hypnotherapist when the mind allows it.

The thing is, I find these parts of myself a few different ways. Initially, I reconnected with them by following triggering emotions I wanted to heal. However, this past year I’ve been working with a spiritual hypnotherapist and I go into sessions not necessarily recognizing specific triggering emotions. These days I ask either my body or my higher self a question. I don’t do the asking, that’s my hypnotherapist’s job, but I’ve decided what I want to work on.

Not only does every session bring back memories, but the associated painful emotions are released, allowing me to safely retain the memories. The associated trauma is dissolved. I never know what’s going to come up, but the healing process has allowed me to recoup a lot of lost memories.

Sometimes after bringing back several memories, my mind feels safe to allow more to bubble back up. I’ve experienced this especially since Kundalini energy has been active the past three years.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been working with an attorney to help me complete the separation of jointly inherited property from my older brother who molested me, so I can be completely free from him. When I first told the attorney my story, I asked him if he could hear lots of specifics about what my brother did to me because it’s painful to hear about.

Going through the process of having to hire an attorney and thinking about taking legal action against my brother has brought up all sorts of stuff, and fortunately, I had a healing session recently to help me get through it.

The days before a healing session can be a bit tumultuous because my inner world knows I’ll be in a place to let things go, and it feels like my inner child becomes activated in anticipation of reconnection and release. And last week was no exception.

A few nights before my session, as I was falling asleep, I began to wonder when my brother’s abusive treatment of me changed into the act of rape. I remember things he did to me of a sexual nature that weren’t rape, but when did he steal my virginity? For decades I’ve known for sure it was gone when I was thirteen, but I suddenly began to think that it might have been earlier, like when I was twelve or possibly even eleven. Thirteen was the age that my mind was able to retain. But now I began to question it. With all the work I’ve been doing, my memory was beginning to open just a little bit.

What came up during my recent healing session was the part of me who had just been raped for the first time. She was completely devastated and labeled herself as Used Goods. During the session, we didn’t think to ask how old she was, but I could tell she was around twelve. When I asked a dear intuitive bestie I trust implicitly, as clear as a bell she received, “before my twelfth birthday.”

As much as it was painful to hear, it resonated. I was still eleven, but likely close to my twelfth birthday. After having a good cry I’ve been able to accept it.

As I said at the beginning of the post, some people remember events in polar opposite ways to others, and this is dramatically clear when it comes to my brother and I. All the years he was bullying me and raping me, nothing about it bothered him, while I was miserable and terrified the entire time.

In fact, when I was almost forty and for the first time in my life asked him why he raped and impregnated me, he told me he didn’t know it was wrong. He said he was told it was wrong by the shrink my father sent him to after the molestation and my pregnancy was discovered. As much as he might believe it, I know that he knew exactly what he was doing was wrong because he threatened me to keep quiet. And because it didn’t stop. Despite getting me pregnant, our parents finding out (and freaking out), and despite going to therapy, it didn’t stop.

Every time he bullied me, coerced me, molested, or raped me he knew what he was doing was wrong because he was careful to keep his behavior hidden from adults. The really sick and twisted part of my brother is to this day he really, truly doesn’t have a clue about the damage he caused. He’s pathetic, has no moral compass, and is internally completely disconnected.