During my last healing session, it was time to dive in and ask my higher wisdom what was ready to leave. What was ready to let go? Throughout the past year, helping move through a very challenging Kundalini awakening, I’ve been having periodic healing sessions with a spiritual hypnotherapist. I haven’t been able to meditate, so this helps me not only reach a deeply meditative state but facilitates reaching inner disconnection and pain, creating deep healing shifts within.
I had a few suspicions of what might come up during the session, but as with all sessions, until we got into it, I really didn’t have a clue.
I was relaxed through the induction phase and brought to the space of magic, the sacred room where we contacted my higher wisdom and asked two questions. Because I’d been wondering if I’d been vibing off some of my husband’s unhealed stuff, we asked for an understanding of the energetic interaction between him and me. And then we asked where I was blocked from Source Energy.
The moment my hypnotherapist asked the first question, there was an immediate inner response of, “Ugh. No.” Like, I didn’t want to go there. But there was great excitement when asked about having a block, about going after and healing a block. So off we went in search of what was blocking my ability to connect with Source Energy.
I sensed a small excited guide who was so excited to get rid of the blockage, yet when they were invited to help out, it stepped aside telling me it was my work to do. I had to connect within and find that block. Find the part that was stuck and wasn’t flowing.
When I was guided to connect in and find the part that was blocked I got nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. I was stuck. In a way, it was funny, but not funny because I was stuck.
Then I was asked to locate it physically. I asked to be shown where in my body this stuck energy was, but I was blocked at every turn. It felt like someone was playing a game with me, having me look for puzzle pieces or find my way through a maze to get to the treasure. The whole thing felt a bit funny, comical, yet it wasn’t.
When my hypnotherapist said, “Since it seems like a game, let’s play the game and see where it goes,” I finally connected in with a young, small voice who said, “I don’t want to play the game.”
I stayed with her, feeling into her. I got the sense that she didn’t want to play the game of life. It was too hard. She couldn’t do it. My connection to her was still developing as I sensed flashes of images and emotions all to do with life feeling too hard to bear.
My hypnotherapist asked what happened that this part of me felt so stuck. And rather incensed, the little one within turned her back to me, crossed her arms and said, “I’ve been hurt, you ninny! Duh!”
In an attempt to understand the hurt, I sensed the size of it as really, really big. Betrayal big. It was as if my inner child decided to make a block so big it was going to stop me… stop me in my tracks. Because it was time for her to be heard.
And then we listened.
Inner Child: (In a small quiet voice) Nobody listens to me.
Me: She stays quiet because nobody listens to her. She’ll say things and they don’t believe her or they’ll blow her off. So she shut down. (After a period of silence I connected in with her at last).
Said through tears, “Nobody believed her when she said he was hurting her.” Big sobs. She tried to tell and nobody listened to her. More tears. Nobody believed her so she shut down. She stopped trying. She thought maybe she was wrong. She doubted herself. She kept repeating, “Nobody’s listening, nobody’s listening,” over and over. She’s shouting and screaming. (More deep sobbing)… She just feels like she’s not heard… nobody’s validating it. Nobody’s stopping him. He just keeps being horrible and making her do things she doesn’t want to do… and she just gave up trying to speak up for herself. She said, “Why bother?… what’s the point?… nobody listens… there’s no point in speaking up again… why bother?” Nobody’s validating her pain.
After a moment, more deep sobbing. There are times when she questions her sanity. There are times when she doesn’t want to be here anymore. Crying. She tries to run away but she can’t even do that… because she’s too young. I can see her around 7 or 8 and she just wants to run away. But she can’t even run away because she’s too little. She doesn’t know what to do. Life’s too hard, it’s too awful. it’s too painful.
As my hypnotherapist remarked that no wonder this little girl shut down, my inner child kept talking about how nobody would listen to her so she was just going to shut up because what she had to say apparently wasn’t worth listening to. At this point, I saw her sitting cross-legged on the ground with her head in her hands just totally defeated. Not wanting to be here.
When asked if there was anything we could provide in the way of support, to ease her burden, my inner child turned and pointed to me, saying, “And you let them!” Meaning, I let them not listen, not pay attention, not validate. She’s pointing at me saying it’s all my fault!
She needed someone to blame.
She was mad at me, mad because I went off without her. Because I grew up and left her behind. She was really mad at me. I kept trying to find a way to reconnect with her. As with other recent healing sessions, she didn’t know she and I are the same person. I saw her sitting right there, not budging.
Hypnotherapist: Is there a way we can show her you two are the same and you’ve come to reclaim her?
Me: Well, she doesn’t trust me, so maybe if we brought in some higher help to help her feel better then maybe she’ll be able to trust me.
Hypnotherapist: Yep. Let’s call in any higher being that’s available to come in and assist this young, very hurt part to understand, and to heal, to be supported.
Me: It’s weird because she’s sitting here saying she’s not ready yet. No one is coming in yet. Maybe I could ask her what she needs to be able to be ready?
Hypnotherapist: What would she need to be ready to be supported, to be healed?
Me: She just said, “I’m a worthless piece of shit.”
Hypnotherapist: Awww. That’s not true.
Inner Child: “Well the evidence all around me proves otherwise.”
Me: Maybe if we can explain to her the people around her were not always acting in her best interests. That they were pretty messed up.
Hypnotherapist: Yeah. She was placed in a family where people were operating at a very low level of consciousness… and we know how hard it was, my goodness… and we’re so, so sorry that none of those people listened to her, but we’re listening to her now. We see her, we hear her, we love her unconditionally.
Me: I think she’s starting to hear you because she said, “Keep talking.” I don’t know that she’s ready to hear me (she’s not), but she’s ready to hear you.
Hypnotherapist: OK, I’ll talk. What happened to you honey, was unforgivable (I suddenly began to cry). And it was not your fault. It was NOT your fault. (I’m bawling at this point). And we’re so sorry that happened to you. (I’m crying so hard I can barely breathe). We’re so sorry. It was not your fault. It was not your fault. It should never have happened to you. I’m so sorry. (more deep sobs)
Me: First, she said they were so horrible, and then she said thank you. Thank you for someone finally acknowledging her (crying).
Hypnotherapist: We’re so sorry.
Me: (Another burst of deep sobbing.) She’s letting go!
Inner Child: So it wasn’t my fault!
Hypnotherapist: No, oh no. It was not your fault. No.
Me: She was holding onto the blame thinking it was her fault. (more deep sobbing)… She thought she did something wrong… (more deep sobbing)… She thought something she was doing was making them be mean to her… she reasoned it must be her fault ‘cause they were so horrible to her. She didn’t understand it wasn’t her (little sob) fault. (more crying)
Hypnotherapist: She’s so young. It’s not her fault. It was not your fault.
Me: She’s saying “Thank you. Thank you for helping me see.” Another burst of tears. And more deep sobbing. Now she’s a mix of gratitude and anger. She’s so thankful to you and she’s so mad at them. “You assholes are going to die!” You’re dead to me!”
Hypnotherapist: Anger is a very very good thing to feel right now.
Me: I can see images of her flashing into a sort of superhero outfit, reaching up and grabbing lightning bolts, representing her strength. And she’s just like, “You’re all dead to me. You’re all going to die.” Now she’s starting to swear at them, like, “Fuck you all”. Letting the anger rage.
Hypnotherapist: Good! Let it rage.
Me: Yeah. I’m calling them all kinds of names. You bastards! You pathetic losers. So pathetic. How dare you… try to take my innocence.
Hypnotherapist: Yup. How dare they.
Me: How dare they try to steal my light with their darkness! They’re pathetic! And I throw all their darkness right back to them and let them deal with it. I can see the girl in me standing… it’s like she’s wearing a dress, but there are rays of light blasting out from within her at every angle. It’s like there are these little rays, but there are thousands and thousands of them, just blasting out. And I can see… she’s got something in her hand like a staff or a rod of some kind. I don’t know if it’s a spear or just some kind of rod about as long as she is tall, sort of thing. It’s like she slamming it down on the ground and blasting light energy. She’s still pissed! (laughing) “You take your dark shit right back! It’s not mine. You put it on me for all those years, I give it back to you now. Not mine anymore. (I giggled) She’s still like, “Fuck you all!” Damned straight! She’s really fierce and has attitude.
Hypnotherapist: Good! I like her.
Me: (laughing). She takes no prisoners! None at all.
Inner Child: You take your shit right back! It’s not mine and don’t even TRY to put it on me. You will find it don’t stick anymore. (laughing) Motherfuckers!! Yeah. Just try! Just try!
Me: I can see them trying to throw mudballs of their crap at her and it’s being repelled right back in their faces, being spewed all over them and their faces.
Inner Child: I dare you to try some more you idots!
Each time I look back at her, she’s still standing there with this light just blazing out from her. When I first looked over at her she seemed to be around ten or 12, and now she seems to be a full-on adult. And it’s like any instance in life when people threw their darkness on her and she took it, she’s giving it all back. “It’s yours now. You get to deal with it. I’m not dealing with your crap anymore.” And she’s so joyful with this whole new idea of “It wasn’t my fault! It wasn’t my fault!” That was a heavy one.
Hypnotherapist: So how does this whole concept of block… is it still there? Is it gone?
Me: No. That was the block and it’s gone now. She can see that Hubby carries these blocks in him. A lot. And he may never release them. But he has many in him, like this. Blaming himself for things that happened that weren’t his fault. But he still carries a ton of them. I think that’s what was resonating. (And this is true for anyone who’s never done any therapy or healing work).
Hypnotherapist: Like a mirror, indicating what needed to be healed in you.
Hypnotherapist: Is there a way that we can… I don’t want to use the word protect, but consolidate your access to Source Energy so you’re not adversely affected by Hubby’s energy? Is there a way we can do that?
Me: Well, the only time I’m affected by stuff is when I resonate with it, so it’s just going to be a matter of when it comes up, just healing it. The whole concept of putting up a shield or putting up protection, that concept doesn’t resonate with me anymore.
Hypnotherapist: No. (agreeing with me) This is about internal alignment.
Me: So, at this point, this was what was vibrating, and this is what was ready to go. The more I can feel like myself, then nothing really bothers me. It’s when I’m fragmented, my inner world becomes very uncomfortable and it vibrates outwardly from within me. But when I’m more together and solidified, grounded, then everything outside of me doesn’t bother me.
Towards the end of each session we ask if there’s any further guidance or wisdom that would be helpful to know, and when I was asked, what came through was a voice whose tone was familiar as she said, “Oh Sweetie, you’re doing so well.” It had to be my mother. She encouraged me telling me I had this and to keep going, and she was so proud of me. It felt like my team in spirit took a step back and let Mom come forward.
Some of the darkness I flung off and gave back to those who’d heaped it upon me when I was young belonged to my mother, and as this came to mind, I also knew that she’s far enough along in her own healing that she would take her stuff back and deal with it. And because some of my family on the other side was instrumental in creating the challenges I’m currently dealing with regarding trying to separate from a brother who molested me, I demanded they help me by working their magic from the other side.
Hypnotherapist: So, is there anything else here at this time that you need to know, that would be helpful for you?
Me: I just heard a whole chorus of voices singing Halleluiah (the Hallelujah Chorus) that I played when I was young on my violin and I think I sang some of it in choruses. It feels like there are a TON of beings there FOR ME. They’re all there for me, supporting me, like my cheering squad. “You got this! You can do this! Keep going!” It’s pretty cool. All kinds of beings too. Animals, people, star beings, angels, etc. Quite an assortment, variety of beings. “We thought you’d like that!” (Laughing).
After the session ended, I was once again blown away by what came up to be healed. I had no idea that there was this part of me who still existed. The little one who blamed herself for every bad thing that happened to her. I understand that we cope with the pain of life by creating beliefs that allow us to stay here, to be able to survive. By separating out from my waking consciousness, this little girl, the one who carried blame, remained stuck, recycling her emotions any time she was triggered. But now she’s free. She won’t recycle again.