It’s Complicated

Sometimes in the evening I’ll scroll through Facebook or YouTube and go down a rabbit hole of watching videos. The way they have several videos cued up after one in a post on Facebook, or suggested videos on YouTube makes it easy to keep watching. Recently, I watched videos of family reunions: people who discovered family they didn’t know about or people who’ve been searching and finally found family members they were separated from either at birth or when they were very young.

It got me thinking about my own daughter. About all of the what if’s. What would happen if she wanted to meet me? If we were reunited how would I break it to her how she was conceived? How would she take it?

When I found out I was pregnant the situation I found myself in was my worst nightmare. I was being molested, raped regularly by my older brother and as much as I’d tried to stop it, I couldn’t. He wouldn’t stop. And if I told, the wrath of hell would rain down on me.

When it was found out, the rath of hell rained down. A wall of shame clamped down on me as my enraged father swore us all to secrecy and about a month later when the school year ended, I was away in a home for unwed mothers. I, an unmarried, pregnant teen who let myself end up this way brought shame to the family. That’s how I felt. I became used goods. And I was terrified, doing as I was told.

A few years ago I received an anonymous box with a gift inside. A handwritten thank you note for my daughter. The person who adopted her wanted to thank me and let me know how much my daughter was cherished and adored. As much as it warmed my heart to get the note, I wanted to know what she looks like.

Does my daughter look much like me? What did she look like growing up? Were school and book learning fairly easy for her like it was for me, or did she have learning disabilities? Did she inherit any mental health issues? Does she like to write, like I do? Does she have a natural eye for photography? Does she love the ocean like I do? Is she coordinated, picking up dance steps easily, unlike me? Can she draw, unlike me?

Last fall she turned forty. A psychic friend of mine told me she’s married with children – I’d love to meet her family.

As much as I want to meet my daughter, I don’t want to tell her she’s the product of rape. Of incest. It doesn’t change how much I love her, but still. Talk about rocking someone’s world! It’s probably the only reason why I won’t seek her out; I’ll let her come to me. Several years ago I wrote her a letter and had it put into her adoption file, giving her my contact information and letting her know I wanted to meet her but I didn’t want to intrude in her life. If and when she wants to meet, she can get in touch.

From the note I got, her birth parents must have been notified about my letter because they got my name and address from it. I wonder if she ever got the letter.

On top of all this, as I scrolled through Facebook I saw a few posts about it being Sibling Day, with pictures of happy siblings. Sometimes I want to post on Facebook a childhood picture of me and my older brother before our younger brother was born, and comment something like, “Who knew he’d grow up to rape her?” I mean, no one who has a young child expects them to grow up and be a rapist.

siblings

Who knew he’d grow up and rape her?

And still, I protect him. He’s been protected his entire life and can’t even begin to understand or appreciate it.

These are a few parts of my life that I don’t share much, except here, primarily because it’s too difficult for most people to hear. Some probably wouldn’t believe me because our family’s dirty secret was hidden so well for so long. But I’m done keeping the secret. It doesn’t mean I’ll be sharing my past with everyone I know because frankly, most people I know haven’t earned the right to hear it.

But there are times and places where it’s appropriate to share because I’m not alone. And I want others out there who’ve survived the shit I’ve lived through to know they can not only survive it but heal and leave the pain behind.

I remember when a hypnotherapist I worked with told me one day I’d be able to think about the past without becoming fucked up (my words, not hers) by it, and I was incredulous. It didn’t happen in one session but over the course of a few years, having only a few sessions a year it eventually happened. And with the grace of God and Kundalini energy, all attachment to any relationship with my brother completely dissolved in moments during the summer of 2018. The soul mission (relationship with its challenges) was complete.

As much as my brother is a brother because he was born to my parents, he’s never been a brother. It’s complicated.

Healing Blame

During my last healing session, it was time to dive in and ask my higher wisdom what was ready to leave. What was ready to let go? Throughout the past year, helping move through a very challenging Kundalini awakening, I’ve been having periodic healing sessions with a spiritual hypnotherapist. I haven’t been able to meditate, so this helps me not only reach a deeply meditative state but facilitates reaching inner disconnection and pain, creating deep healing shifts within.

I had a few suspicions of what might come up during the session, but as with all sessions, until we got into it, I really didn’t have a clue.

I was relaxed through the induction phase and brought to the space of magic, the sacred room where we contacted my higher wisdom and asked two questions. Because I’d been wondering if I’d been vibing off some of my husband’s unhealed stuff, we asked for an understanding of the energetic interaction between him and me. And then we asked where I was blocked from Source Energy.

The moment my hypnotherapist asked the first question, there was an immediate inner response of, “Ugh. No.” Like, I didn’t want to go there. But there was great excitement when asked about having a block, about going after and healing a block. So off we went in search of what was blocking my ability to connect with Source Energy.

I sensed a small excited guide who was so excited to get rid of the blockage, yet when they were invited to help out, it stepped aside telling me it was my work to do. I had to connect within and find that block. Find the part that was stuck and wasn’t flowing.

When I was guided to connect in and find the part that was blocked I got nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. I was stuck. In a way, it was funny, but not funny because I was stuck.

Then I was asked to locate it physically. I asked to be shown where in my body this stuck energy was, but I was blocked at every turn. It felt like someone was playing a game with me, having me look for puzzle pieces or find my way through a maze to get to the treasure. The whole thing felt a bit funny, comical, yet it wasn’t.

When my hypnotherapist said, “Since it seems like a game, let’s play the game and see where it goes,” I finally connected in with a young, small voice who said, “I don’t want to play the game.”

I stayed with her, feeling into her. I got the sense that she didn’t want to play the game of life. It was too hard. She couldn’t do it. My connection to her was still developing as I sensed flashes of images and emotions all to do with life feeling too hard to bear.

My hypnotherapist asked what happened that this part of me felt so stuck. And rather incensed, the little one within turned her back to me, crossed her arms and said, “I’ve been hurt, you ninny! Duh!”

In an attempt to understand the hurt, I sensed the size of it as really, really big. Betrayal big. It was as if my inner child decided to make a block so big it was going to stop me… stop me in my tracks. Because it was time for her to be heard.

And then we listened.

Inner Child: (In a small quiet voice) Nobody listens to me.

Me: She stays quiet because nobody listens to her. She’ll say things and they don’t believe her or they’ll blow her off. So she shut down. (After a period of silence I connected in with her at last).

Said through tears, “Nobody believed her when she said he was hurting her.” Big sobs. She tried to tell and nobody listened to her. More tears. Nobody believed her so she shut down. She stopped trying. She thought maybe she was wrong. She doubted herself. She kept repeating, “Nobody’s listening, nobody’s listening,” over and over. She’s shouting and screaming. (More deep sobbing)… She just feels like she’s not heard… nobody’s validating it. Nobody’s stopping him. He just keeps being horrible and making her do things she doesn’t want to do… and she just gave up trying to speak up for herself. She said, “Why bother?… what’s the point?… nobody listens… there’s no point in speaking up again… why bother?” Nobody’s validating her pain.

After a moment, more deep sobbing. There are times when she questions her sanity. There are times when she doesn’t want to be here anymore. Crying. She tries to run away but she can’t even do that… because she’s too young. I can see her around 7 or 8 and she just wants to run away. But she can’t even run away because she’s too little. She doesn’t know what to do. Life’s too hard, it’s too awful. it’s too painful.

As my hypnotherapist remarked that no wonder this little girl shut down, my inner child kept talking about how nobody would listen to her so she was just going to shut up because what she had to say apparently wasn’t worth listening to. At this point, I saw her sitting cross-legged on the ground with her head in her hands just totally defeated. Not wanting to be here.

When asked if there was anything we could provide in the way of support, to ease her burden, my inner child turned and pointed to me, saying, “And you let them!” Meaning, I let them not listen, not pay attention, not validate. She’s pointing at me saying it’s all my fault!

She needed someone to blame.

She was mad at me, mad because I went off without her. Because I grew up and left her behind. She was really mad at me. I kept trying to find a way to reconnect with her. As with other recent healing sessions, she didn’t know she and I are the same person. I saw her sitting right there, not budging.

Hypnotherapist: Is there a way we can show her you two are the same and you’ve come to reclaim her?

Me: Well, she doesn’t trust me, so maybe if we brought in some higher help to help her feel better then maybe she’ll be able to trust me.

Hypnotherapist: Yep. Let’s call in any higher being that’s available to come in and assist this young, very hurt part to understand, and to heal, to be supported.

Me: It’s weird because she’s sitting here saying she’s not ready yet. No one is coming in yet. Maybe I could ask her what she needs to be able to be ready?

Hypnotherapist: What would she need to be ready to be supported, to be healed?

Me: She just said, “I’m a worthless piece of shit.”

Hypnotherapist: Awww. That’s not true.

Inner Child: “Well the evidence all around me proves otherwise.”

Me: Maybe if we can explain to her the people around her were not always acting in her best interests. That they were pretty messed up.

Hypnotherapist: Yeah. She was placed in a family where people were operating at a very low level of consciousness… and we know how hard it was, my goodness… and we’re so, so sorry that none of those people listened to her, but we’re listening to her now. We see her, we hear her, we love her unconditionally.

Me: I think she’s starting to hear you because she said, “Keep talking.” I don’t know that she’s ready to hear me (she’s not), but she’s ready to hear you.

Hypnotherapist: OK, I’ll talk. What happened to you honey, was unforgivable (I suddenly began to cry). And it was not your fault. It was NOT your fault. (I’m bawling at this point). And we’re so sorry that happened to you. (I’m crying so hard I can barely breathe). We’re so sorry. It was not your fault. It was not your fault. It should never have happened to you. I’m so sorry. (more deep sobs)

Me: First, she said they were so horrible, and then she said thank you. Thank you for someone finally acknowledging her (crying).

Hypnotherapist: We’re so sorry.

Me: (Another burst of deep sobbing.) She’s letting go!

Inner Child: So it wasn’t my fault!

Hypnotherapist: No, oh no. It was not your fault. No.

Me: She was holding onto the blame thinking it was her fault. (more deep sobbing)… She thought she did something wrong… (more deep sobbing)… She thought something she was doing was making them be mean to her… she reasoned it must be her fault ‘cause they were so horrible to her. She didn’t understand it wasn’t her (little sob) fault. (more crying)

Hypnotherapist: She’s so young. It’s not her fault. It was not your fault.

Me: She’s saying “Thank you. Thank you for helping me see.” Another burst of tears. And more deep sobbing. Now she’s a mix of gratitude and anger. She’s so thankful to you and she’s so mad at them. “You assholes are going to die!” You’re dead to me!”

Hypnotherapist: Anger is a very very good thing to feel right now.

Me: I can see images of her flashing into a sort of superhero outfit, reaching up and grabbing lightning bolts, representing her strength. And she’s just like, “You’re all dead to me. You’re all going to die.” Now she’s starting to swear at them, like, “Fuck you all”. Letting the anger rage.

Hypnotherapist: Good! Let it rage.

Me: Yeah. I’m calling them all kinds of names. You bastards! You pathetic losers. So pathetic. How dare you… try to take my innocence.

Hypnotherapist: Yup. How dare they.

Me: How dare they try to steal my light with their darkness! They’re pathetic! And I throw all their darkness right back to them and let them deal with it. I can see the girl in me standing… it’s like she’s wearing a dress, but there are rays of light blasting out from within her at every angle. It’s like there are these little rays, but there are thousands and thousands of them, just blasting out. And I can see… she’s got something in her hand like a staff or a rod of some kind. I don’t know if it’s a spear or just some kind of rod about as long as she is tall, sort of thing. It’s like she slamming it down on the ground and blasting light energy. She’s still pissed! (laughing) “You take your dark shit right back! It’s not mine. You put it on me for all those years, I give it back to you now. Not mine anymore. (I giggled) She’s still like, “Fuck you all!” Damned straight! She’s really fierce and has attitude.

Hypnotherapist: Good! I like her.

Me: (laughing). She takes no prisoners! None at all.

Inner Child: You take your shit right back! It’s not mine and don’t even TRY to put it on me. You will find it don’t stick anymore. (laughing) Motherfuckers!! Yeah. Just try! Just try!

Me: I can see them trying to throw mudballs of their crap at her and it’s being repelled right back in their faces, being spewed all over them and their faces.

Inner Child: I dare you to try some more you idots!

Each time I look back at her, she’s still standing there with this light just blazing out from her. When I first looked over at her she seemed to be around ten or 12, and now she seems to be a full-on adult. And it’s like any instance in life when people threw their darkness on her and she took it, she’s giving it all back. “It’s yours now. You get to deal with it. I’m not dealing with your crap anymore.” And she’s so joyful with this whole new idea of “It wasn’t my fault! It wasn’t my fault!” That was a heavy one.

Hypnotherapist: So how does this whole concept of block… is it still there? Is it gone?

Me: No. That was the block and it’s gone now. She can see that Hubby carries these blocks in him. A lot. And he may never release them. But he has many in him, like this. Blaming himself for things that happened that weren’t his fault. But he still carries a ton of them. I think that’s what was resonating. (And this is true for anyone who’s never done any therapy or healing work).

Hypnotherapist: Like a mirror, indicating what needed to be healed in you.

Me: Yes.

Hypnotherapist: Is there a way that we can… I don’t want to use the word protect, but consolidate your access to Source Energy so you’re not adversely affected by Hubby’s energy? Is there a way we can do that?

Me: Well, the only time I’m affected by stuff is when I resonate with it, so it’s just going to be a matter of when it comes up, just healing it. The whole concept of putting up a shield or putting up protection, that concept doesn’t resonate with me anymore.

Hypnotherapist: No. (agreeing with me) This is about internal alignment.

Me: So, at this point, this was what was vibrating, and this is what was ready to go. The more I can feel like myself, then nothing really bothers me. It’s when I’m fragmented, my inner world becomes very uncomfortable and it vibrates outwardly from within me. But when I’m more together and solidified, grounded, then everything outside of me doesn’t bother me.

Hypnotherapist: Yes.

Towards the end of each session we ask if there’s any further guidance or wisdom that would be helpful to know, and when I was asked, what came through was a voice whose tone was familiar as she said, “Oh Sweetie, you’re doing so well.” It had to be my mother. She encouraged me telling me I had this and to keep going, and she was so proud of me. It felt like my team in spirit took a step back and let Mom come forward.

Some of the darkness I flung off and gave back to those who’d heaped it upon me when I was young belonged to my mother, and as this came to mind, I also knew that she’s far enough along in her own healing that she would take her stuff back and deal with it. And because some of my family on the other side was instrumental in creating the challenges I’m currently dealing with regarding trying to separate from a brother who molested me, I demanded they help me by working their magic from the other side.

Hypnotherapist: So, is there anything else here at this time that you need to know, that would be helpful for you?

Me: I just heard a whole chorus of voices singing Halleluiah (the Hallelujah Chorus) that I played when I was young on my violin and I think I sang some of it in choruses. It feels like there are a TON of beings there FOR ME. They’re all there for me, supporting me, like my cheering squad. “You got this! You can do this! Keep going!” It’s pretty cool. All kinds of beings too. Animals, people, star beings, angels, etc. Quite an assortment, variety of beings. “We thought you’d like that!” (Laughing).

After the session ended, I was once again blown away by what came up to be healed. I had no idea that there was this part of me who still existed. The little one who blamed herself for every bad thing that happened to her. I understand that we cope with the pain of life by creating beliefs that allow us to stay here, to be able to survive. By separating out from my waking consciousness, this little girl, the one who carried blame, remained stuck, recycling her emotions any time she was triggered. But now she’s free. She won’t recycle again.

The Awakening Rolls On

As much as a Kundalini awakening involves integrating Kundalini energy into one’s body, there comes a time in what can be a very challenging process when life no longer feels so hard. When a person reaches a new normal. At least that’s the sense I get from those who’ve gone through this process and have come out the other side. And that’s the sense I get from my own higher wisdom. But I’ve been wondering how long will life feel so unbelievably challenging. How much more can I take?

I believe that part of my life’s journey has been to go through a few very difficult relationships from childhood and be able to heal from them. I’m talking about pre-birth planning, where my soul and the souls who would become two of my family members agreed to experience relationships that would cause me pain and would disconnect me from Source and from parts of myself. The goal of choosing these challenges is soul growth.

Within the first several months of Kundalini energy opening, I became so sensitive that I could bring up separated parts of myself with ease and create energetic, emotional shifts using only focused intention. These were very deep healing shifts. Sometimes I’d use crystals to help or aromatherapy oils. In fact, it was smelling rose oil that triggered a healing shift deep within me, allowing me to let go of the last bit of pain from my challenging relationship with my bipolar mother.

Several months later I healed from the pain of the past regarding my relationship with a brother who had molested and impregnated me when I was a young teen. Our relationship had been one of predator and victim pretty much our entire childhood together, and things gradually turned sexual, with him eventually raping me at around age twelve or thirteen. In a deep shift of energy, something let go and I was no longer triggered into rage or pain merely at the thought of my brother.

And almost a year after that, I experienced a shift that left me feeling like our relationship had reached its completion because I no longer wanted what I never had and will never have: a loving and caring and heart-connected older brother.

With healing shift after healing shift, it feels like I’m actually completing relationships by healing them, not by walking away in anger or sadness. Major relationships I was born into. Talk about soul growth!

Now, over two and a half years into my awakening, once in a while shifts happen a bit spontaneously, but more often I’m working with a spiritual hypnotherapist. As much progress as I’ve made, there’s still one bit of separation I’m working on with regards to my brother. Paperwork. And because I know what I want isn’t being well received by his wife, and she’s someone I care about, I’ve been vibing off her pain and experiencing inner resistance. Recently, I had a healing session to help this resistance become known and released.

Along with letting it go, higher wisdom came through – which is some of why I love to work in hypnosis. The wisdom.

Here’s a bit of the session.

Because I haven’t felt well, I’ve been feeling really disconnected from myself, leaving me foggy-headed and really tired. My goal for the session was to feel better. To see if there was a part of me who was separated and was ready to be reconnected. A part who was stuck in pain and was ready to have her pain transmuted.

I had a bit of trouble relaxing and paying attention to my hypnotherapist’s voice, but in time, my body quieted and my mind became more focused.

As we got into the session, I sensed some general discomfort and was guided to focus on it. As I concentrated on the discomfort, I sensed a spinning tornado type of energy and then saw shadowy images of scary monsters and a collage of things that were scary. It reminded me of being scared after seeing a scary movie when I was a kid. When asked if I knew how old this part of me was, she felt around four years old.

Not only was she scared, but she was overwhelmed, saying she couldn’t do this. “This” being life. That it’s too real. That life and all the scariness is too real. And it’s all too hard. She wanted to go back to before she was born. When she wasn’t in a physical body.

My hypnotherapist asked if we’ve ever heard from this part of me before and I realized we had. As she began to speak to this young part of me, the part who felt that life was too hard, trying to figure out how to help her, I heard another voice.

“But I hear another voice that’s a lot stronger, almost demonic, that’s saying, ‘absolutely!’ Like it’s supposed to be hard. The voice almost feels like evil.”

Then I was guided to create a screen or a TV to contain this other voice, to distance myself from it. To keep me safe. When asked if the voice had anything else to say, I continued.

(It took a moment to get it contained within the screen.) “It seems like the voice is the voice of crazy and its purpose is so I won’t trust myself. (Lots of tears). Its purpose is to fuck me up in my head. And it’s laughing and it’s saying it’s been doing a really good job. And it’s just laughing and laughing because it knows as long as we don’t trust ourselves (more sobs) we’re miserable… and spinning, chasing our tails. It’s saying lack of trust IS evil. When we talk about evil, that’s the core of it. It is not trusting ourselves… not being connected to our core essence. And all of the stuff that comes out of that, is what we call evil. (more big sobs). I’m so sick and tired of it (not feeling normal, connected to myself). I’m so done with it. I just want to be over it.”

My hypnotherapist: “We recognize it now, don’t we. And we don’t want to have anything more to do with it.”

Me: (Big sobbing) “It’s just been such a really long road through darkness, and I almost feel like I’m so close to the end of the tunnel. I feel like I’m so close to the end of this crazy-train shit, and I just want to be out into the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess it’s like I’m so close I can taste it, but I’m not quite there yet. It’s just really hard.”

My hypnotherapist: “Are there any other parts of you or any other benevolent divine beings that can help with this difficult part…”

Before she even finished her sentence I burst into tears as an image of Archangel Michael came to me. His extremely powerful love blasted me as he held huge, white wings open wide to receive me. I not only sensed his love, but also encouragement. With a mere thought of my four-year-old self, I saw Archangel Michael’s arms outstretched holding my limp, young body. Holding me because I could no longer hold myself up. He told me to give him all of my troubles, all of the ick and the yuck and the hard stuff that I couldn’t handle. He told me to give him every last bit of it, but try as I might, the little girl in me didn’t know how to give it up.

And then I remembered I don’t have to know how. It just happens magically. (I learned that in a healing session a few years ago from Archangel Michael). An instant later the shift had happened. And with it, the little girl in me was free. She grabbed Archangel Michael around the neck and hugged him as hard as she could, thanking him over and over, saying it just fell off like magic.

As the little girl became light and free, I noticed a big part of me that felt really heavy and tired. Tired of this journey and so ready to be done with it. So sick and tired of it all. As we sent love and compassion to the tired part of me, I heard yet another voice off to one side telling me it wouldn’t be forever. When prompted to speak more about this, I heard:

“It’s saying, you got this. You can do this. It’s like the voice of faith saying hang on, you can do this.”

My hypnotherapist: “Is there anything that can help you get through this last bit of the tunnel?”

Me: “All I hear is have faith. That one day everything will feel a thousand times better and I’ll be able to look back and say I made it through that. And nobody can take that away from me. I just keep hearing them saying, ‘You got this, we’re here for you,’ and when I look at who ‘we’ is, it’s all of my team… my support team… my angels and people in spirit and a sprinkling of people here in the physical world.”

With this message, there was a tiny bit more to the session and then it was concluded.

Since then, I feel a bit more lightness inside, while still waking up every day not feeling like myself and not having a lot of physical energy. It’s a strange duality I’m used to at this point and know it won’t be forever. But I’d really like to get through it sooner rather than later.

Food As Substitute Love

Over the past few weeks, I noticed succumbing to food cravings that seemed unusually strong. I’ve been craving sweets and salty, crunchy potato chips and dip like crazy. Feeling a bit out of control. Because my mental state for the past few years hasn’t been normal and balanced at all, food intake has been higher than it will be when I feel like myself again. But after a recent doctor’s visit, when I found out I’d lost a bit of weight, something inside me woke up, became panicky and activated emotional eating.

As much as I’ve addressed and healed food cravings before because I’ve changed so much, new facets of my consciousness that were ready to be addressed and shifted decided to come up in the form of food cravings. Seems to be my thing.

So, I recently had a hypnosis session to help me dive into my unconscious mind and make changes, setting food cravings free.

As the session unfolded, we requested that the part of me who felt the need to eat when I wasn’t hungry come forward. I immediately felt fear and my heart began to beat faster. When I focused on the fear, I could tell it came from a part of me who was young. She talked about being terrified to do things in life that she didn’t want to do. Everything she had to do and didn’t want to do. I sensed her calling out for her mother and her mother didn’t come. Didn’t help her. Abandoned her. Here’s some of the exchange between me (S) and my hypnotherapist (C).

As I was able to focus I heard a young voice call out for her mother saying “Mommy, Mommy, I can’t do this. I need your help.”

C: What does she need her help with?

S: Everything. She said, “You’re not there for me.” Then anger. “How fucking dare you not be there for me after you promised to be there for me!” [I sensed she was referring to pre-birth planning of the soul who agreed to be my mother. I expected her to be there for me and she wasn’t at times, especially when she was depressed.] “You lied!” “You promised you’d be here for me…” getting emotional.

C: She was betrayed. She was betrayed by her mother? Yeah.

S: She’s getting really angry saying “Damned you! Damned you!”

C: Do you know how old she is?

S: It feels like a range of ages… really little and up to 12 or 13 at the same time. She said, “I can’t do this on my own!”

C: Is that one of the reasons food became important?

S: I just heard, “Fuck yah.” [Got very emotional…] “Food was my mother when you weren’t.” [Big release of tears.] “It took care of me and made me feel better. You weren’t there for me. All you did was make it worse. All you did was make things hurt more. And food made it better.” She’s swearing. “Screw you!” She just keeps saying things like “You lied to me. You were supposed to be here to protect me… from all the monsters… from all the scary monsters… and you ended up being one of them.”

C: The You that’s being talked about is Mother.

S: Yes.

C: Sounds like a betrayal, an abandonment.

S: Definitely betrayed.

After this connection and emotional release, we let the young part of me be angry. We let her rant and tantrum for a while. It felt like she needed to just vent.

C: Can we provide support to this part to feel that she’s protected and safe? Is there anyone or being we can invite in to soothe or protect this little girl?

S: She’s saying, “It’s too fucking late. You left me.” Now she’s speaking to me, the adult. “You just ditched me and left me behind.” She’s calling me a traitor and getting mad at me. “How dare you just ditch me and leave me here!”

C: Would you like to respond to her as that adult?

S: I will in a minute. It feels like she needs to let her anger out. I see her jumping on my back, hitting and kicking, throwing a tantrum. I’m letting her know she can tantrum as much as she needs… and I… [emotional release!!!] I never left her. Deep sobbing… even when she thought I did. I’ve always been right here waiting for her… And she’s just kind of confused. “What do you mean you’ve always been there? You left.”

S: I’m letting her know not really. She thought I did, but I didn’t. I only left her awareness. Deep, deep sobbing release with another epiphany. She just realized I’m still here, and she ran and jumped into my arms. She just accepted me and my love for her again. And she’s so happy again!!

S: “OMG! I see you’re here for me and never left!” The young one sees she was only blocked off for a little while. I’m holding her to my chest like you hold a little child. “I’m home now!!” She’s home again, right in my heart.

With the shift in perspective and deep emotional release, that part of my awareness was reconnected. My inner child was no longer blocked from the whole of me. We were reconnected heart to heart. And with the reconnection came downloads of information, of wisdom.

The inner child spoke. “Wow! I don’t need that crap (food) anymore!”

It was substitute love. It wasn’t the real deal. It was a place holder. A temporary thing until she (inner child) could come back to me. When anybody has something like an addiction or they’re using something as a substitute for love, it’s a place holder. It holds the space of pain of disconnection until they can come back home. [Big sobs.] And I’m back home now!! [Sobs.]

Turning my attention to my heart, I saw a short tunnel lined with gold. And then the gold turned into diamonds. A diamond-encrusted tunnel representing the energetic vibration of my heart rising to pure love. I saw light shine on the diamonds, refracting all the colors of the rainbow. Pretty soon the little bit of tunnel passed through my body, allowing me to see my heart chakra completely cleared of the recent blockage.

As a final message, I heard conga music come in. This has happened at the end of several healing sessions, but it’s been a long while. Once, a few years ago, I asked why conga music? Why at the end of my sessions, as the vibration/mood lifted to a party atmosphere, was the music always conga? In an instant, I was shown the line of people dancing and my attention was drawn to their all being in a line. In alignment! It represented things within me being back in alignment. Of course!

I refocused on my inner child, now happy and partying, and asked if there was anything else. With her assurance that she was all good and we could be finished, the session was concluded.

Since the session I’ve watched as parts of my body released old energy, becoming temporarily sore, and needing some extra sleep as I integrate. I’m also sensing a new calmness and lightness inside as this part of my inner child is now peaceful and content. And feeling a little bit better in general, moving me forward in my Kundalini awakening process.

What I love about healing my emotional baggage is not only letting it go forever but the wisdom that comes forth from each session. In this case knowing that food cravings, and in fact, all cravings and unhealed wants, are merely place holders for love, Source energy, that’s being temporarily blocked from our hearts. Blocked by parts of our unconscious selves who can become reunited through healing work.

 

Noticing More Progress

Just about two and a half years ago, during the month of February 2017, while I was using hypnotherapy as a healing tool, I experienced a major shift in consciousness. The shift seemed to be a green light for Kundalini energy to open and begin an intense process of creating deep inner change. The process has not been gentle or easy, yet I can see a lot of grace in how it’s all gone down.

Last winter the Universe conspired to connect me with a new hypnotherapist who I’ve been working with on average once a month, and after each session, I’ve noticed progress. It’s been gradual and at times subtle, but definitely there.

Kundalini energy has been forcing things within me that don’t resonate with Unity Consciousness – so basically things that bring up emotions like fear, anger, grief, and so on – to come up and be healed. Much of what’s come up has been triggered by people around me; picking up intuitively and often unconsciously on my family’s stuff. And one of the fascinating things I’m seeing is how my perception changes after each healing session. They literally shift my consciousness.

Some of the major challenges of my awakening has been integrating the energetic shifts in my mind and body. I’ve been really tired to downright exhausted for most of the past few years, and have had a lot of mind fog and what I call squirrel brain, where it’s hard to keep my focus.

I’m generally pretty much a book worm and an information whore who loves to learn about things like energy healing and consciousness by reading, watching video interviews and listening to podcasts. The thing is, when you can’t keep your focus on something for more than a minute, it makes things like reading and watching hour-long interviews torture. I imagine this is what it’s like to have Attention Deficit Disorder. It also makes writing coherent thoughts a huge challenge.

I had a healing session a little over a week ago, and what came up was actually something I addressed almost a decade ago during a session, but at another level. More information came through for me, and since the session, I’ve been doing a tad better.

My ability to focus and be present, and not be taken over by fear-filled thoughts has improved. I’m not waking up every morning with all sorts of thoughts of dread and paranoia running through me, thoughts I acknowledge as not my truth, yet experience anyway. And with a better state of mind, I’m able to have more conversations with my family, instead of having to hide out and keep silent. Just seeing or talking with them can bring up inner discomfort when I’m not very present- and that royally sucks.

With better focus, I recently realized I can watch a movie again and actually remember and enjoy it. My mind isn’t really normally focused yet – I don’t really feel like I’m all here at times – but it’s improving.

Last night, I was thinking about how I used to have a drink or eat something when I didn’t feel well when I was stressed, and that it would mellow me out or give me energy. Or in the darkness of winter and constant cloud cover, getting sun really boosted my mood. But with how my body is now, my not feeling well, being tired, is absolutely not improved by having a drink or “stress eating”. And being in the sun has very little effect. It’s really weird.

I look forward to even more progress in the coming months, and one day feeling like I’ve come out the other side of this incredible metaphysical metamorphosis.

Healing Another Layer of Abuse

One of the things my healing journey has been doing over the past two years has been revisiting issues I’ve worked on before, creating deeper healing. Healing issues at several levels at once, rippling out to mass consciousness. It’s not that I’ve specifically decided, hey! I want to work on abandonment issues. No. As I’ve needed to dive into healing work to figure out what unnamed inner resistance is coming up making my life a living hell and needs help to let go, the issues coming up from within are familiar.

When I first began healing work, things would come up from my past, usually from childhood and I’d heal them. I’d heal a moment in time, a singular aspect of my inner child. And eventually, I addressed issues that affected me at a number of different times in life, such as losing personal power or having my boundaries violated, and created healing to several moments. And a few times I’d unexpectedly pop back in time to previous lives. Boy were they surprises!

More recently, as I’ve healed issues, I’ve been able to see healing ripple throughout not only my entire life but to every life I’ve ever lived and beyond, to the world. And when I had another healing session recently, it was no different.

I’ve had several healing shifts happen because of vibing off other people’s stuff (where they are not in alignment and experience emotional triggering). When they were emotionally triggered, part of me who resonated would bubble up and would either automatically become healed, or I’d have to do some healing work to help them shift. The shifts have been so deep and profound that the mental and physical integration has been beyond challenging.

Inspired by recent comments from fellow blogger Stafford Art Glass, I’ve been thinking about whether or not there might be a part of me who is still acting out a belief I addressed a decade ago. A part who felt the need to “feel the pain of all humanity”. It would certainly explain some of the difficulty of my healing journey. In an attempt to become more like a pane of clear glass, able to allow others’ emotional garbage to flow through me, during my most recent healing session, I connected with higher wisdom to find out if any aspect of my old belief has been active. To see if I could create more healing.

Much to my surprise, when I got into the session and asked if the belief was still necessary, I heard a young voice speak up. She said she was stuck in time and needed our help to be freed.

She was young and was stuck, deep in darkness. Terrified. We built a bridge of light to try to reach her and brought in angelic higher love to help her feel better, but nothing was working. I couldn’t connect with her.

Me: I can tell she’s really scared. She’s scared to speak her truth because when she’s done it before, so much pain rained down on her. She’s terrified to speak her truth. (becoming emotional). It seems like lifetimes of really horrible stuff happened to her. It almost feels like she deserved it, but part of her knows she doesn’t. It feels like she’s so in the dark she’s having trouble accepting any sort of love or help or anything positive. (very emotional – crying) She keeps saying she doesn’t deserve it because “I’m such a piece of shit”. She’s terrified and is rejecting every bit of light that’s trying to help her. She just keeps saying no, you’re going to kill me. Like any bit of light will just kill her. She’s so far in the dark.

Hypnotherapist: Let her know the purpose of the light is not to kill her. It’s completely unconditional.

Me: (very emotional) I just told her that I love her. (sobs) She’s saying how can you? I’m so bad. I’m so evil – how could you possibly love me? And I said because you’re part of me. (sobs) She’s starting to be able to accept some of the love. I’m getting a mishmash of all sorts of images from lifetimes of her getting beaten. I can almost see someone with a big 8″x 8” timber hitting her over and over… (massive emotional release). The phrase “lifetimes of abuse” just came up. Every part of me who ever experienced abuse, whether it was as a child or an adult, everybody who ever felt abused, the part of them who felt they deserved it… that’s who it is.

Epiphany! A part of me who represented having been abused, not only in this lifetime but any other lifetime I experienced abuse, came forward. The reason she’d been stuck was the belief she deserved it.

With the epiphany and emotional release, I finally began to see who’d been speaking.

Me: I kind of have an image of her now where she’s come out of the dark. She’s about 12 years old, walking with her head down, coming out of darkness. She’s beginning to get her bearings. She’s starting to let go of the belief she had to feel the pain… (sob) that she had to feel the pain of all humanity (deep sobbing). It was all about abuse (sobbing). Lifetimes of abuse. The entire human race of abuse. But she’s shaking it off. I see her now and she’s 14 and looking stronger.

As she (I) spoke her truth, her age progressed.

Me: With each year she’s growing stronger and stronger and throwing off things from the abuse. The disempowerment, the victimization. She’s getting stronger and stronger and more empowered, and she’s calling out (very deep sobs)… she’s calling out to all the other little kids around her that have been abused. She’s reaching out her hand and they’re all reaching out to her. She’s saying come with me. You don’t have to be stuck there in the dark. Her body’s glowing with light, and it’s getting bigger and brighter, and it’s lighting up everything so everyone else who was abused can come to her light. She’s helping pull them out of it. Her aura is this big golden light, and it’s glowing bigger and brighter. I see all these other little ones, parts of me from every lifetime I’ve ever lived, reaching out to other people. She’s saying “Come on! Come on!” and they’re grabbing her hand and (more deep sobs) as they grab her hand, the light is going from her into them and they’re starting to glow too. It’s this big chain that’s spreading out further and further and further (sobs), and I see all these little kids that are holding hands, and they’re all glowing and getting really happy. But it feels like this was all so I could understand the dynamics of abuse, and how it affects people who are abused.

As we develop from babies into toddlers and learn we have control over our world if something happens that’s painful, we believe we’ve caused it. At that very young stage in our development, we don’t have the awareness of other people’s motivation. And as such, the belief of something being our fault, that we deserved the pain that rained down on us is created in our consciousness. When we experience painful things in life, even when we’re old enough to know we didn’t cause them, a part of us sings the song “I deserved it” deep in our unconscious mind.

Addressing this part of our consciousness is a huge part of recovering from abuse. And as much as I’ve already healed, having recently taken steps to separate from the brother who abused me, being able to speak my truth in new and big ways helped this part of me percolate and bubble up, able to be addressed and healed.

As I watched the part of me continue to progress in age…

Me: It looks like that part of me is now in her thirties. But something about having my son has stopped the forward progression. It looks like she got energetically socked in the gut. I see her slightly bent over and stopped. Something’s going on there. What is it about having my son? I heard… we had an abusive relationship once in a different lifetime, but this time we love each other (big sobs). It was to show me that just because I have an adversarial relationship with a person in one lifetime doesn’t mean there isn’t love between us at the soul level. (more deep sobs). It’s an experience our soul chooses to have.

Ok, it looks like I’m moving forward again.

And with that, the session moved into a much higher vibration as a mood of celebration came in. I saw my third chakra being worked on and being celebrated, complete with gold-flecked rainbows, music, cake, ice cream, and balloons. Soon thereafter, knowing integration was well underway, my hypnotherapist wrapped up the session and brought me back up.

What a lesson in abuse! Having lived through abuse at the hands of two family members and understanding it not only from their perspective (earlier epiphanies) but gaining a deeper understanding of why victims often take on partial blame, I feel this lesson is quite complete.

Healing Terror

Before my Kundalini awakening, I’d learned to recognize fear, anger, frustration, or other stuff in my life that kept revisiting, and I used healing sessions to address and heal it. But since I had a dramatic shift of consciousness just prior to Kundalini energy opening up, my body is reacting to other people’s stuff, forcing things I’m not even remotely aware of to bubble up from deep down inside me until like a gas bubble in my gut either I deal with it and heal it, or it causes more and more pain.

I was finally able to have another healing session recently and it was looong overdue. I can tell I need to do healing work when I’m so unbelievably disconnected from myself that most of my thoughts are dark, and I have so little energy I can barely walk a few hundred feet.

The tricky thing is, when my Kundalini Awakening began, part of integrating a deep energetic shift was waiting out changes in not only my physical but my mental body. For a while, as my brain and thoughts changed, I’d experience a barrage of dark, fear-filled thoughts that I knew were not my truth. I immediately recognized them as old wiring that was on its way out. For sometimes days, I’d observe my dark thoughts easily able to not act on them.

But now, it’s more difficult sometimes to recognize the difference between dark thoughts of integrating a shift in my energy field, and darkness I’m vibing off of from people I’m heavily energetically corded to, like family members. Darkness that’s come up needing to be released. After the cannon blast I recently received courtesy of triggering the living hell out of my man, the timing of my most recent healing session couldn’t have been better.

Before each hypnotherapy session, an intention is set. Because I’ve felt so ungrounded and tired, and because I’ve been feeling at the mercy of Kundalini energy roaring open full-blast every day making my entire system hypersensitive, I wanted first and foremost to feel better. And I wanted to have a relationship with Kundalini energy where I could connect with it. To have a conversation with it. To not feel like it’s running me, but we’re a team, in it together.

As my hypnotherapist did her thing to get my mind focused and my body relaxed, it was a little bit hard to concentrate. But sure enough, after a while, my monkey mind shut the hell up and the journey began.

One of the techniques she uses has me walk a path that leads to a door, and on the other side of the door is a room, essentially a safe and sacred space where the magic happens. As she directed me to put a key in the door and unlock it, the door wouldn’t unlock. No matter what I did, I couldn’t unlock it. This hadn’t happened before, but I recognized this as a form of inner resistance. A part of me wasn’t able to go through the door.

When I focused on this part of me, she said it wasn’t safe to go into the room. She wondered what was wrong with her that she couldn’t unlock the lock and finally asked for help to get through the door. As my hypnotherapist asked what sort of help she needed, she recognized the door as a door of fear. I became emotional as this inner part of me became very afraid and wanted help walking through the fear. Through tears she began to voice her fears, afraid she was going to lose it all if she walked through the door. She felt overwhelmed and afraid she couldn’t handle walking through the door.

I recognized that she needed someone to come into the session to love and support her, and we called on Archangel Michael. His energy is the strongest form of unconditional love I’ve felt. He personifies strength and protection.

Just thinking about him brought Archangel Michael in. When he communicated with the part of me who was so afraid, reminding her he’s the wind beneath her wings when she’s afraid to fly, tears of release flowed and my inner self began to loosen her grip on fear and feel better. He also reminded her he’s always there even when she forgets and when she doesn’t feel him.

As my inner self began to feel better, she hugged AA Michael and took on some of his energy. He reminded her there’s nothing wrong with her, and she has the power to fly when she wants to. (More tears releasing fear). I was shown images of her fear looking like a baby bird being kicked out of the nest before she’s ready to fly. AA Michael reassured her it wouldn’t be like that. It doesn’t have to be like that.

I saw an image of AA Michael holding a nest with my inner self curled up in it, incubating like a baby bird recently hatched but not yet ready to fly. He was completely protecting her and wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to her.

I noticed this part of me feeling a bit better as she leaned into AA Michael and said that she’d been burned before by life.

All of a sudden, something about the words “burned before” triggered a massive cascade, a dump of knowledge and an emotional release as my inner self sobbed, “The flame of Kundalini energy is way too big!”

Pressing my hands into my overwhelmed solar plexus, the voice of fear came out through intense sobs. “The flame is burning her up and she can’t handle it. It’s too much. She feels like it’s going to kill her. If it doesn’t kill her, it’s going to destroy her life that she’s worked so hard for, and she doesn’t want to destroy it. It’s too much and it’s gotta stop. It’s killing me. It’s killing me.”

As the fear spoke and my hypnotherapist calmed and soothed her, I eventually heard another voice over my right shoulder. It said, “Baby-doll, you know that’s not all true.”

“It feels like it’s true, but it’s not all true.”

“You can do this.”

As an overwhelming epiphany hit, I sobbed with a release so intense I couldn’t breathe for several seconds. I’d just realized the voice was the voice of Kundalini energy herself.

“She sounds like a woman and she called me Baby-doll. Really comforting and soothing. But not nearly as gentle as other energies, like angels. It’s not light or gentle but it’s very powerful. It’s very strong. (As more tears fell) A little too strong.”

My hypnotherapist asked since the energy is a bit too strong, who could help us with this.

Then Kundalini energy herself took a few steps back, backing off.

As I said, “It feels like the first time I’ve been able to…” Bam! Another epiphany hit with another release in a barrage of tears. It was the first time I felt like I had any control over the energy. The energy that cranked open without my permission and the energy that’s been making my life a living hell for over two years.

When I finally caught my breath, I explained to my hypnotherapist what just happened. “It’s the first time I’ve connected directly with this energy.”

And the energy replied, “And it’s long overdue. I’ve been wanting to meet you. I wanted to remind you of your power, your essence, the real you. Now that we’ve met, I can lay back for a while.”

She needed to push me to this breaking point where I could connect to her directly.

Kundalini spoke. “It’s ok now. I’m taking a little step back. And you’re going to be able to connect to me easily when you want to, and have some access to your energy again.”

It felt like she had to break me first, to help me break through the fear of it. There was a wall of fear and it’s gone. More emotional releasing as I held onto my solar plexus and looked to where the door had been… and it was gone. “The door (of fear) is gone! It’s completely shattered! There’s no need for a door! It disintegrated.”

I knew that Kundalini Energy and I were finally One, describing it using my hands. I held them up, palms together, fingers outstretched as if in prayer, but spread apart and interlaced, symbolizing the new unity between us. It felt like a new, young Oneness that I knew would grow over time. A relationship. A partnership.

Feeling like the tide had turned, instead of energy being constantly sucked out from my solar plexus, it feels like it’s now going to flow inward again.

My hypnotherapist asked about a few of the intentions set at the beginning of the session; wanting sleep to be more restful so I’m not so tired and having a clearer mind so I can function better on a daily basis.

I got the feeling these things will now come without having to do anything further. The being chronically tired and foggy was part of the build-up to “breaking me”. Creating the fucked up state of Being to get me here. Time will tell.

I turned my focus to Kundalini energy and could tell she was with me, sitting by my right shoulder. With attitude, she said, “Yeah Baby, yeah Baby!” As in, she’s with me. I laughed as the mood lightened. Then I saw images of sliding or sledding, sort of like a bobsled track. Images of gliding along (in life). “You got this, easy!” With a snap of the fingers, “Ok! Time to rock and roll! We’re out of the gates! Let’s go!” More laughing.

Sitting with what was new, I was directed to “just be”.

Relaxing, my mind filled with images of dancing and partying, and someone sweeping the cobwebs out of what had been such a foggy mind. I got the sense there were a host of helper beings that were busy doing the sweeping and plugging my third chakra energy back in, and doing other things in the background.

Then I noticed a ball of colored light at my third eye, morphing between violet and indigo, the colors of my 6th and 7th chakras. It felt like those two chakras were coming back online as the cobwebs were swept out.

And then it felt like all my chakras were coming back online “properly”, not distorted. Returning to balance and alignment. I knew my heart chakra color was good as it popped online. Then my 3rd, 2nd, and first chakra colors all indicated that they popped online as well.

My energy field came back online, renewed and I knew my body would follow suit in time.

With that, my hypnotherapist began to wrap up the session by giving thanks to Archangel Michael and Kundalini energy. I heard Kundalini interject, saying, “Call me KK!” in a sassy, confident voice, not unlike that of RuPaul. As we both laughed, my hypnotherapist continued, expressing gratitude, reinforcing the new changes, and she brought me back up.

Reflecting on the voice of fear that came up, I now see that it absolutely resonated with my husband’s activated fear just days prior. Fear bringing up my own stuff, fear of losing my family because of going through a Kundalini awakening I didn’t seek out or intend to happen. It’s not been easy for my family to be around me. Although I know at a soul level the possibility for this awakening to happen definitely existed and is very purposeful, even if I’m not yet privy to the reasons why. I know in time all will become clear.

 

Get Off My Back!

One of the things I use hypnosis for is to talk to my body. Our bodies speak to us symbolically using pictures and phrases, and once I’m in a hypnotic state, with my body very relaxed and my chatterbox brain quieted, focusing on my hypnotherapist’s voice I’ve been able to tap into root causes of physical pain and dis-ease and heal them.

My lower back has been cranky ever since I herniated a disc several years ago. I’ve done the route of physical therapy and cortisone shots, and I’ve also used energy healing to help back pain. This past winter, I gained a lot of weight and picking up on some stress recently, it was time to address some very upset, tight muscles that were causing my back to act up.

After being relaxed using an induction process, my hypnotherapist guided me to tune into my lower back and hip area. After a moment, a foggy picture began to come into my mind’s eye. I could sense someone grabbing my hips and violating me from behind. As I became very emotional, I recognized it was my brother. He was raping me. Upset hit me and tears fell as the young girl in me fought as hard as she could to get away. She fought so very hard, only to have her violator feel happy because of her struggle. The more she fought, the more powerful he felt. It was sick and twisted. She fought and fought until it was of no use.

I wanted to kill him; take his head right off. I can’t get him off me.

When my hypnotherapist asked what was needed to help this part of my body heal,  I knew my inner orphaned child needed to know how strong and brave she was even though she was terrified. More tears fell as I connected back in with her, telling her even though she was really scared, she did what she had to do in order to survive.

Asking for a way to help her feel better, I suddenly saw another part of my younger self come forward looking like a child dressed in a gladiator outfit, carrying a large, heavy sword.

from Google Images

Deep healing release of sobs came as she told me, “No one will EVER, EVER hurt you like that again. EVER!!” Then I saw her place a ring of armor around my body like a skirt, protecting from my low back down to my thighs, all the way around. Impenetrable armor. Tears fell as I knew I was finally protected forever, seeing images of attempts at being violated failing again and again, like a battering ram shattering against an impenetrable wall. People could try and try to violate me, but they can do nothing to hurt me in this way ever again.

A moment later, I suddenly saw my little warrior morph into a gigantic Archangel Michael. Feeling the overwhelming intensity and power of love that he brought, I sobbed even harder, barely able to catch my breath. He showed up so strongly, telling me, “You’re done with that. You don’t need to experience that anymore. You’re done. No more sexual violation.” I knew the people who’ve done it to me have no more power over me. None. They’re essentially out of my life forever.

I saw Archangel Michael standing tall and strong, holding a large spear as if to say if anyone tries to mess with me, he’ll take care of them. I’m protected forever. I knew this protection wasn’t something I had to do anything to activate – it’s permanently installed within me. I saw it ripple back through all time and forward as well. And then I saw time as a conical spiral, and the spiral turned to gold, representing an extremely high energetic vibration. I knew the healing affected not only this current life but all other lifetimes when I was sexually violated.

As I was directed to check back in with my body, I saw a protective skirt around it and depending on how I looked at it, it looked gold; carrying the energy of gold. My inner child had shifted quite dramatically, feeling really confident. She was a far cry from the terrified little girl she’d been only minutes earlier, now very sassy, confident, and happy, snapping her fingers side to side, with attitude as if to wave away anyone she didn’t want to deal with.

My hypnotherapist asked if Archangel Michael had anything to share with me. And as I looked to him, he winked at me, saying, “You know you’re awesome!” It wasn’t braggadocious, but rather confirming that I’m truly awesome and totally badass. Telling me to own it. He also said, “You got this!” And, “I’m always with you.”

With this aspect of my orphaned inner child brought back into the fold, she and I are no longer separated, but united as one.

It’s only been a few days since the session, and I’m still integrating the shift, but there is a new sense of lightness within me, and less physical discomfort. Sessions like these create a permanent shift deep within, changing how I feel about myself from the inside out. Creating more inner peace.

Healing and My Dream

A few days ago I did some more healing work. Having a hypnosis session, I dove into some physical discomfort I’ve been feeling lately. During the session, I connected with part of my inner child who was still stuck in the past, crying because her older brother wouldn’t leave her alone and kept sexually violating her. He just wouldn’t stop, and the harder she fought back, the more powerful he felt dominating her.

I was guided through the session and ended up with the little girl in me becoming happy and free. It was transformational. With this part of my inner child healed, I not only feel lighter inside but my dream this morning reflected the change as well.

The dream was short but profound. I saw my brother and I standing in our family summer cottage, and he moved toward me as if to hug me. For decades, he and I have had a very strained relationship, and because his wife knew nothing about our past until a few years ago, she always pushed him to hug me when we got together. It was never something he wanted to do, and nothing I ever welcomed.

As he moved toward me, I put up my hand signaling him to stop. I said, “It’s ok. You don’t have to do that anymore. I’m letting you off the hook. In fact, I’m going to set you free and make both our lives a lot easier.”

And with that, I can’t remember if there was any more to the dream, but I told him about my plan to separate us on paper (we co-own two properties that we inherited when our parents died), by his taking one property and my taking the other. This way, if we chose to have any sort of relationship, we’d be free to do so, but wouldn’t be bound by any finances or legality.

At some point, I’ll have this conversation in real life with him and his wife, because I feel like in order to complete my healing journey with that relationship, I need to separate us in this way. I’ve done a ton of work healing my heart about the past, and have even healed the desire to have a relationship with this man who was never really a brother to me. The truth is, it won’t be 100% complete until we reconnect on the other side after death.  In the meanwhile, I can set us both free while we’re still here, alive.

One of the more difficult things about having a Kundalini Awakening is having my past brought up again and again, healing more and more deeply. Yes, the healing part is incredible, but having more and more things from my past dredged up for review and then dealing with my head while it’s being rewired (replay after replay of the past as inner reactivity fades away bit by bit) really, really sucks. I have never in my entire life thought about my older brother more than during the past two years of Kundalini energy being active in my body, and it’s a whole lot of not fun. However, the reactivity associated with thinking about him is dissolving and disappearing, which is magical.

Healing works miracles. Even if for now, things aren’t very comfortable. I know one day life will feel very different.

Healing Abandonment

For the past two years, events unfolding around me have been triggering deep inner healing. Instead of noticing things in my life that are making me irritable or scared, worried or pissed off, and healing them, when people around me become irritable or scared, worried or pissed off, at one level I’m calm and non-reactive, while at a much deeper very unconscious level, things react and bubble up.

I find myself crying when it’s not me who’s sad, but rather the person I’m with. I find myself suddenly lashing out in anger when it’s not me who’s angry, but the person I just interacted with. The person I accidentally triggered. For me, the emotions pass through very quickly. Not for them.

The thing is, when things have been bubbling up lately, my body and mind react by becoming very tired and distracted. So much so that I struggle to function. Sometimes they crash. Hard. It’s a whole lot of not having fun yet.

Unlike early on in this Kundalini Awakening, when I could easily connect within, find the inner piece of myself that was unhappy and heal myself, I find myself needing help now. So, I’ve been working with a hypnotherapist again.

Last week it was time to do some more digging, healing, and I did. Actually, it was long overdue. Because some life events were triggering the crap out of my husband, a part of me began resonating and bubbling up. Unfortunately for both of us, my husband isn’t into healing work at all. He likes to hear that it helps me and is very supportive but has no interest in it for himself.

As I was relaxed and focused with the help of my hypnotherapist, the part of me that needed help was able to speak. Actually, she cried out.

“It’s in my heart. It’s been waiting for me. I see red. Just a lot of red… blood… death… Just getting words like death, killing, murder, mayhem. All the violence that man has perpetrated against itself (she cried harder) for so long. There’s just this voice saying, why won’t it stop? Why can’t they understand peace? There’s such violence and war… and it all starts in our own hearts… and the thing is, most people don’t have a clue. They don’t understand, every form of war starts in our own hearts. And people are running around chasing stuff outside of themselves, thinking if I have enough weapons that will fix it… and it doesn’t fix it… because that’s not the real problem. The real problem is every one of us. All the blackness in our hearts… It’s just everywhere… and I just can’t handle it anymore (crying harder)!”

As my hypnotherapist called out for a guide to come help, she reassured the voice in pain that she didn’t have to do this alone. The funny thing is, when she did this, a different voice from within me piped up, saying, “I know.”

So, if the larger part of me knew she didn’t have to handle all this pain alone, who was in pain? As soon as the question was asked, tears fell as part of my inner child came forward.

“The little one’s just wanting her mom, and her mom is not there for her. It’s like she’s abandoned her to the wolves… the wolves of her brother. She wants her mom to be there for her, to hug her and hold her and tell her everything’s going to be fine… (more deep sobs) but she doesn’t come! She just lets her brother treat her like shit. Her mom is not coming to help. Her mom is just not there. And her brother’s being mean again, and again, and again, and again.”

My hypnotherapist acknowledged the little girl who was in so much pain, validating her feelings that she wasn’t protected by her mother.

The little one continued on.

“Nope. She’s just standing there. Nope. She abandoned me. Totally abandoned me. You (speaking to mother) weren’t there for me when I needed you. And you let him hurt me again and again and again and again. And half the time you were like, that’s just kids being kids. But he was always mean. He was never nice. Ever.”

My hypnotherapist validated that this little girl experienced a double betrayal, from both her mother and her brother.

Something about being heard, being allowed to speak her truth and be validated was all this inner voice needed to begin to shift and change right before my eyes. She began to get angry and we let her speak.

“Let me get mad. I’m going to get mad now. You sons of bitches! Cause you weren’t there for me and I needed you… so screw you!

How dare you! How dare you!… How dare you not treat me with love and respect!

HOW DARE YOU!!! I deserve better than that! And fuck you all!!”

I could sense my mother and brother hanging their heads in shame. And more anger came.

“You should be ashamed!”

My hypnotherapist kept validating the feelings as they came up. And that was all it took for my inner child to move through them. It was amazing how quickly her feelings morphed.

After seeing the perpetrators hanging their heads in shame, the little one seemed to let go the anger and moved into being done with it as she brushed it off her shoulders.

As her strength returned, she suddenly appeared wearing a costume like Wonder Woman, with the tall boots and cape. Standing proudly, with her hands on her hips, she spoke again.

“Yeah, try it again, and I’ll kick your ass!”

Then she addressed me.

“OK! Let’s get this show on the road! Let’s get going. Enough of this sitting around, feeling like crap! Now’s the time for Action!!”

And with that, she became happy and then joyful as she began to dance.

“Come on and join the par-tay!!”

I saw not only this part of my inner child, but several of my guides and supporters in spirit begin to dance around in joy, as what was once very stuck energy flowed again.

The days following the session, I transcribed the recording and made the connection of the abandonment my inner child was feeling, being the issue that was triggering my husband so very badly. I can see it now clear as a bell. The part of his inner child who still experiences deep abandonment issues has been crying out. And a part of my inner child resonated in kind until I was able to set her free.

The truth is, everyone walking the planet has at a part of their inner child who experienced feelings of abandonment, and created a belief of “less-than” about it, locking it into our consciousness. Creating a space of darkness within. It’s part of the human condition. For some, the issue is very deep and red hot.

When we feel abandoned, we’ve actually abandoned ourselves. And any time a situation comes up that our inner child identifies with, the belief of less-than cries out, causing us inner pain. The belief cuts ourselves off from spirit, from our true selves. From the eternal part of us who always knows we’re perfect, we’re never alone, and everything will be ok. It’s self-betrayal, creating darkness in our hearts – places where the light can’t shine. It is the dark voice within, telling us it’s our fault, we screwed up, and all hope is lost. And is one of the leading causes of war and conflict, both inner and outer.

And it can be healed. Dissolved.

After the session, I felt better than I had in a while, with a new lightness inside. It was sooo nice. Especially after feeling so crappy for way too long.

Unfortunately, within a few days, I was tired and foggy again. But it hasn’t been as bad.

I’m not quite sure if it’s the challenge of integration, or if something else is already bubbling up wanting to be healed. The part of me who felt abandoned is forever changed and is doing great, and I’ll give it a little time before diving in again.

One step at a time. The Kundalini awakening evolves.