Noticing Changes

One of the things about being on a healing path is noticing changes. Noticing how I react differently in certain situations and how I feel in general. Sometimes they’re very subtle, and sometimes not.

About a week after a healing session that included soul reconnection I noticed a lack of emotional reactivity to something that’s been particularly bothersome for the past few years. It was a lovely surprise.

A new sense of freedom. Like I can breathe more easily. Feeling a little bit more like myself again.

A Spiritual Truth

Years ago, I was following a group guided meditation and at the end of it, I received a message. “The deeper you can ground, the higher you can fly.”

One of the things I’ve discovered about spiritual truths is how my understanding of them deepens and evolves as I grow and evolve.

Back when this came to me I was fascinated by intuitives: people who had direct access to spirit in a way I didn’t. I wanted to be clairvoyant or clairaudient or to be able to see things like auras. I wanted to see things from what I call the 30,000 ft. view. I was taking metaphysical classes, just beginning to learn what abilities I had (we’re all born with intuitive senses), and was amazed when I was able to do things like see (with my mind’s eye) the energy of a person or a situation. But of course, I had to be sitting quietly, eyes shut, with a meditative state of mind.

Some experiences happened only once, like hearing my dead uncle’s voice during a guided meditation about connecting with our loved ones who’d crossed over. I was taking in a talk at a local spiritual center’s Mind, Body, Spirit Fair, so the energy of the sacred grounds probably helped. It was so unexpected that my brain tried to talk me out of it, but I knew with every fiber of my being I heard my uncle’s voice outside of my head. It brought me to tears because I hadn’t heard his voice since before his death in 1986.

Once when I asked a local psychic I knew and respected what natural ability I had, he said I could hear it when people lied. I could hear inauthenticity and deception in their voice, and he couldn’t. I thought everyone could do this.

Initially, when the message came to me, grounding was something I’d learned in classes: to sit quietly and run through a short meditation designed to connect me with both earth and cosmic energy, clear out my energy field, and bring me into the present moment. After doing this I’d be more available to connect to spirit in general. I’d be able to see energy more easily using my third eye, receive clairvoyant images, and connect to spirit. And it absolutely helped.

When I was working with my first spiritual hypnotherapist, after I began to heal my inner child and felt more and more inner peace, I realized this work made me feel more grounded and centered overall. It wasn’t a temporary state of being, but rather a permanent shift of consciousness. And the more my inner world became healed, the stronger the connection to my higher self and my spiritual team became, naturally.

I began to understand how all the unconscious beliefs of less-than I lived with impacted me. They constantly kicked me out of the present moment, making me think about the past or worry about the future. All my negative emotional triggers, whether they made me mildly frustrated or sent me into a rage, whether they made me feel ashamed, regretful, sad, or merely wistful were all tied to unconscious beliefs I held about myself. Every single one.

And any time they were activated they ungrounded me. My thoughts would flash back to a moment years ago when I wished I’d handled a situation better, and then a moment later I’d pay attention to traffic again while I was driving. These thoughts come and go quickly and usually without our paying attention to them. During a conversation, a friend would mention something their daughter was doing and I’d suddenly think about a worry I had about my child. But a moment later the conversation steered in another direction and the worry passed. This is how we as humans work. Thoughts flit in and out due to these unconscious beliefs I refer to as the human condition. It’s normal.

Noticing repeating patterns with my thoughts, I’d have healing sessions to help dissolve emotional triggers that I’d respond to by eating when I wasn’t hungry. And after working with this same spiritual hypnotherapist for a few years, I began to pay more and more attention to the spiritual wisdom that came through in each and every session. Not only was I experiencing profound healing, but was growing my connection to spirit; an unexpected benefit.

Today, when I have healing sessions I don’t have to be in a state of hypnosis to connect to my intuition. It happens when I’m with a healer and close my eyes. Sitting or lying down, letting my body relax, and focusing is all I need. Being asked a question, the answer comes immediately, before my brain has time to kick in. An image, a feeling, and a download of information come to me.

Going through the intense Kundalini energy process I’ve been going through, I could care less about seeing people’s auras or hearing dead people talk these days, and haven’t read another person’s energy since before Kundalini opened. That said, the more healing I’ve done, the wider my pipeline to the energy of God/Source has become. The energy that not only carries the feeling of pure love but is full of information/wisdom and helps me heal.

The depth of healing over the past several years has significantly affected things like assigning judgment to my feelings and experiences. With no longer unconsciously labeling everything good or bad, instantly categorizing things into polar opposites, when I receive spiritual information and wisdom, that’s one less human filter affecting it.

When people receive information from spirit, it comes through all their lenses of perception: their life experiences, their values, and judgments. As I’ve healed, what’s been dissolving are various lenses of perception, thus clarifying or purifying what comes through me. Plus, the breadth of information that’s able to come through me these days is much, much more than I’d receive years ago when I was new to healing work.

Today, being able to fly higher not only refers to the greater ease with which I connect spiritually, but more importantly refers to life flowing more easily in general. Having a greater sense that the energy of Source flows through me and that life happens for me, not to me.

And yes, it’s a process.


When I was very young I had gut trouble from time to time. It felt like there was a war going on inside me. I can still remember sitting in pain, wishing it away time and time again. And eventually, things inside would shift and the pain would subside.

There was a war of sorts going on. Parts of my body were contracting painfully under pressure. I’m not sure how much of it was caused by things I ate and how much was me – empathically embodying conflict happening around me. I’ve always been keenly attuned to emotions around me, feeling my way through life. And there was a bit of conflict in my home growing up.

I’ve learned that conflict doesn’t have to be life-threatening all the time to affect a person deeply. A few deep jabs here and there. Not being respected, revered, or honored, but being bullied, taken advantage of, and outright abused takes a toll.

Thankfully, healing has made all the difference in my life.

With the recent outbreak of war on the other side of the world, I’ve been remembering healing sessions when diving into things like digestive difficulties and an unhappy gallbladder a few years ago took me into past lives.

I saw myself lying on the battlefield with a spear piercing my right abdomen. The wound eventually became septic as it slowly and painfully took my life. As I looked at my male body to get a sense of the time period, images flashed between a body clothed in animal skins and a body covered with pieces of armor. I’ve died on the battlefield in at least a few other lifetimes, and possibly several.

As I lay dying I remember being angry about dying for a cause I didn’t believe in. Having to fight for a leader I didn’t believe in. It felt like I was either conscripted or forced into fighting. The teaching that day was about authenticity: being authentic to myself. It was about healing lifetimes when I wasn’t able to be true to myself.

We live with the effects of war carried forward by our soul, resonating in our DNA. We recreate it within our bodies and externally in the world. And the only way to stop it is to heal.

Will there be a time when all wars will end and people will peacefully coexist? I truly don’t know. As long as we’re a playground for soul growth, all this war and conflict serves a purpose. But I believe we’re ascending and gradually evolving.

However, right here, right now, I’m sending the energy of love out to the world, while continuing to do what I can do to heal myself.

Kundalini Awakening Journey

This morning I’ve been pondering, musing, contemplating. Integrating a recent healing session, I can feel things settling a bit. Integration doesn’t feel quite as tumultuous as it has, but then again I’ve been able to give myself as much TLC as possible with a very quiet house for the past four days. Long afternoon naps help.

The longer I’ve been going through this journey, the more I understand how distinctly different the process is for everyone. For quite a while I thought there was something wrong with how things were going down for me simply because the few people I know locally who’ve had their Kundalini energy wake up haven’t had such an intense physical and mental process.

Before my Kundalini energy cranked open I’d not only had a spiritual awakening six years prior but had done a lot of healing. Effective and significant healing to my life. I’d dissolved all sorts of unconscious beliefs, healed several emotional triggers and some ancestral karma. I’d become to know myself as divine (hence the blog title) and walked the world with more peace in my heart than I’d ever known. Life was beginning to flow. The victim consciousness that is such an integral part of the human condition was pretty much gone, and worry that had been a lifelong companion was becoming a thing of the past. It was truly magical.

Working with a handful of hypnotherapists I’d not only healed bits and pieces of my inner world but had had metaphysical experiences that blew my mind. Besides all the healing, I took note of my sessions and began to learn.

Ever the student, as I learned about energy healing and took notes after my healing sessions, I began to put pieces together. Sessions not only helped me heal and teach me but connected me with higher wisdom. And the more I’ve healed the clearer the connection to my higher self has become.

By the time Kundalini energy opened, life was all about healing duality within me. That’s been my overarching focus for the past almost five years. Looking back, I don’t think this focus was entirely conscious, but rather my higher self taking the reigns and guiding me.

Comparing my awakening process to others’ it’s been similar in that the first few months of Kundalini opening, my overall energy was vibrating so high it took nothing to heal anything I was in resistance to. Merely taking a quiet moment to focus within brought forth an easy inner healing shift. And within a few days the way I experienced the world changed. I had a greater understanding and more compassion.

The thing is, here in the very human, physical world, most people (at least the Westerners I know who can’t just drop out of life and go live in a spiritual center or a cave) can’t maintain such a high vibrational level indefinitely and eventually the process changes. This is where the work begins.

And this is where so many people’s process gets hard. Sometimes overwhelmingly hard. It can be referred to as a dark night of the soul. Because the psyche changes, life does too. Relationships either change or go away. Jobs and living conditions often change too. And eventually, a new normal evolves. The timeframe may be a year or two, or four or five. This is highly individual.

As I mentioned before, my entire process has been one of healing inner duality. And when I could no longer facilitate healing by myself, I turned to what works for me really, really well: hypnosis. These days I see it as guided meditation that helps me find and heal all sorts of inner resistance.

Because what I’ve been healing has affected not only lifetimes but vibrational patterns that resonate with mass consciousness, the energetic changes I’ve been experiencing have been quite significant. And corresponding integration has been trying to say the least.

Eventually, the dark night of the soul phase of the process passes and the changed person embarks on life anew. At least that’s what I’ve heard, not quite being there yet.

I recently watched a video talking about steps in a spiritual awakening, updated because the energy on our planet has changed greatly in the past few years. When energy upgrades, things shift and change. When the planet’s energy upgrades everything and everyone on it is affected. Yup, even our planet has a consciousness that’s upgrading.

My awakening has been happening during a time of massive upset and tumult. It’s not the same as when other people I know went through their own awakening years ago. My Kundalini awakening directly correlated with our former president’s taking office in early 2017 and the beginning of what was four years of all sorts of collective darkness given permission to come out of the shadows.

And before the end of his term, a pandemic came along to shake things up even more.

My Kundalini awakening has been riding right alongside some of the biggest energetic shifts since I was born in the mid-sixties. But these days change is happening even faster with tech exploding and the internet connecting us across the globe instantaneously.

Not only has my awakening been paralleling some massive planetary energetic shifts, but going through it as my body has been going through a natural phase of its own change – menopause – is not lost on me.

So sure, it’s been really intense. Beyond intense now and then. And the more I get to know my higher self, the more I’m getting a clue. I’m built for it.

For the past year and a half, I’ve been working with a handful of local healers, figuring out pretty quickly who’s a good fit and who’s not. While I’ve met several talented healers, I’ve found a few who’ve been a great fit. And at my most recent healing session, I was reminded that what makes for a great healer is someone who holds space. These days I don’t need someone to “work on me”. I need someone who creates a sacred space and helps me allow the process to unfold.

The woman I was doing hypnotherapy with back in 2019 and over half of 2020 had to stop giving hypnotherapy sessions to tend to her family. And I recently got the nudge to see if she’d returned to her spiritual side gig. Sure enough, she’s just getting her feet wet again and I’m beyond excited to not only reconnect with her but to help bring light to more of my inner shadow in just a few days.

Today I’m reminded that how my awakening process has been and is unfolding is just perfect.

A Unique Thread in the Tapestry of Life

The other day started out rough. Not because of anything going on in my life but just because I woke up not feeling well. Not sick, but ascension symptoms. Still.

Thanks to having an appointment I had to get dressed and go out in public, and when I talk with people it helps me feel better. More grounded and centered.

After my appointment, with my mood slightly shifted in a better, more comfortable place, I began to think of my future. What I’d like to do with my life once my focus is no longer so heavily on raising my son, and I thought about how I want to share my healing story beyond my blogs. To be an inspiration for people who’ve lived through some of the life challenges I have. To let them know they can heal from anything. As my mind mulled things over, a spiritual truth came back to me.

If I’m here, it’s because I’m needed. My existence is purposeful beyond what I’m even aware of. Everyone’s existence impacts the world, and I’m a unique thread in the tapestry of life.

In the world of spirit, we wait for a body to be conceived to enter into, and from what I’ve heard there’s a long waiting list for a body. So when we’re born there’s no accident. Even when it’s an accident, it’s not. The choice to have an incarnate experience takes intention and focus. Prior to birth we meet with our soul family, create agreements with them, and set intentions for life experiences. And whatever we bring to the world is what’s needed. Our creativity, in whatever form or forms it takes, is needed and is purposeful.

Too many people doubt their self-worth because they don’t see the full impact they have on the world. They will never see that the prayer they sent up for their friend’s sick child turned the tide of that child’s life. And they will never know how much all those little acts of kindness rippled out beyond the people they were kind to. They don’t realize that holding themselves in integrity serves as an example for everyone they meet. Or that the way they walk in the world every day models it for their growing children.

You never know what impact you’ll have on someone. The truth is, you matter.

Love is the Greatest Power There Is

When I say that love is the greatest power there is, some people think of what they would do for someone they love. They would die for someone they love. They would sacrifice their life for someone they love. I was put in a situation once where I thought I would be seriously injured and possibly killed, to save my son. You could call that a fierce mother’s love.

Fortunately, the situation I saw barreling down on my son and me changed at the last moment, as a Suburban suddenly and unexpectedly turned into a driveway mere feet before I was so sure it was going to take out my toddler, who was racing for the road. My plan, that unfurled in my mind as time slowed down, was for me to continue running after my son, pushing him out of the way of the vehicle, which I calculated would be just as he hit the street. This would leave the beast of a vehicle to hit me full on instead of him. (Because of a row of bushes, they wouldn’t be able to see him running for the road until they were right up on him). I never knew until that moment, that I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to die for my son.

Sacrifice could be seen as love. But the most incredible love I’ve ever experienced is that which has no judgment, is pure compassion, and accepts me just exactly as I am. I’ve seen and felt it in action during healing work I’ve done, and as powerful as fear can be, holding us frozen, making us do things against our will, and be who we really don’t want to be, it can’t hold a candle to love. Love looks at fear and fear just melts.

Love is that thing that tells you even when feel like your world is crumbling, everything’s gonna be alright. Love lets you know that the bad habit you’re trying to kick isn’t really bad. In fact, it’s helping part of you to be ok. And once that part of you finally figures out that it really, truly is ok, that bad habit takes a hike all on its own.

Love takes all forms of judgment, lack, and less than, and embraces them so completely that they literally dissolve. When I believed I was a worthless piece of trash, love told me it’s ok and loved me anyway. When I believed I was damaged goods, love told me it’s ok and loved me anyway. When I believed I was defective, love told me it’s ok and loved me anyway.

Love doesn’t question my beliefs about myself, but envelops and accepts them so utterly completely that my brokenness has no choice but to melt back together. When brokenness has nothing left to push against, it falls down and gives up. Brokenness can only stand when there is resistance, when it has something to prop itself upon.

Love is the absolute most powerful energy that exists. It is what the Source that creates us feels like. In fact, because we are made from Source energy, we actually are walking talking love beings. Just stepped down versions of the love that is our Source.

This was inspired by a recent experience I had of an energy that I know as Archangel Michael. As he stood before me, my mind’s eye looked out at his massive, winged form. And the love that emanated from him left me in tears. It wasn’t just love, it was an extremely powerful love. The sort of unconditional love that a parent feels for their child, and then some.

Love exists outside of good, bad, right and wrong.

Love is what helps us grow our children.

Love looks at fear, and fear instantly dissolves.

Love is the place and the path of no resistance.

Love is the point of Unity.

Love generates creation.

Love is all accepting.

Love heals all.

Love is.

Meditation and Healing

Quick note: I wrote this yesterday.

Today, the day after an attempted coup on my nation’s capital, we as a collective are a bit hungover. Yesterday, the amount of fear and anger that was stirred up, egged on by our narcissistic president, made for one shit-storm of a day. People were at odds about everything, while simultaneously trying to find rafts of safety to grab onto. Like minded individuals. I saw many people trying to respectfully disagree, while others tantrumed the day away. Torrents of vitrole rained down on every social media platform real-time as orphaned inner children by the millions were activated, crying out to be acknowledged.

I, myself, struggled at times to reign in my own strong emotions, wanting the protestors who’d broken into the Capitol building and stormed the halls of Congress to be taken down swiftly and completely. At this point it wasn’t about political parties but about my government’s ability to peacefully govern. Staying as non-inflammatory as possible, I participated in a few discussions on social media, and when I got too wound up, I took a break.

Perusing my social media feeds today, people are sharing images and messages to uplift. And a spiritual teacher I follow mentioned spending time doing Tonglen meditation. Because I’d never heard of it, I looked it up on YouTube and found this video of Pema Chödrön giving a short teaching of the practice.

Pema begins the video by letting us know this form of meditation can be used when the world is falling apart. The inbreath recognizes physical discomfort or anguish of an area or with a group of people and holds the intention of removing their suffering, their fear, their anger. The outbreath sends out the space for those suffering to be able to live with it with more grace and ease. Or if someone is hungry you could intend for their satiated hunger, see them receiving food.

As I listened to the video and began to meditate for the healing of our nation, my mind went to the reason why people become so emotionally triggered. Why they become so upset that they’re willing to interfere with a bedrock part of our political system; to interfere with and try to overturn a fair presidential election. And at the core of every emotional trigger is a wounded inner child crying out. Everyone’s got one.

As protesters escalated, the collective cry from their wounded inner children resonated stronger and louder, vibrating in concert with the wounded inner children of those who opposed the protest. Pretty soon millions of wounded inner children country and world wide were resonating more and more strongly, contributing to a collective vibration of pain and fear.

The wounded inner children called out with all their unmet needs: feeling trapped, in danger, unsafe, invalidated, and abandoned. Fear and anger were triggered spurring tirades of speeches demanding justice and retribution. And even leading to death.

I began to think of what things every wounded inner child desires and before I knew it a mantra came to me. As if the Divine Mother and Father were speaking to everyone’s wounded inner child, telling them what they needed to hear, the following phrases came to mind:

You are safe.
You are seen.
You are loved.
You are heard.

I said them out loud over and over, and before I knew it I connected within and emotions from my own inner child gave way to tears. With tears streaming down my face I repeated the words over and over. Willing my inner child to not only hear them, but to believe them.

When our wounded inner child is healed, their need to speak up and become activated dissolves. And with the connection through the heart flowing again, we hear our own inner wisdom and can take action in an efficient and effective manner, instead of merely lashing out in pain. Or we can simply go about living our lives instead of being twisted into knots.

As we’re reminded by flight attendants on an airplane, in case of emergency, put on your oxygen mask before helping others.

How To Save The World

So many people walk around with a deep seated desire to save someone or to help someone, and some feel overwhelmed with the need to save the world. Speaking from a spiritual perspective, if you want to save the world, heal your stuff. Heal everything within you that doesn’t resonate with your higher self. Heal beliefs that are out of alignment with your higher self.

For the past several months, I’ve been drawn to spiritual teacher Karen Swain’s interviews on YouTube of spiritual teachers, people who’ve had near-death experiences and experiences with extra-dimensional beings. I resonate with her perspective and appreciate the variety of people she interviews and experiences they’ve had. Especially since I’m going through my own pretty intense spiritual ascension experience.

Near the end of her recent interview with Tania Castilho, the conversation turned to what people can do if they feel like they really want to make a difference in the world. Other then breathing, the answer surprised me, yet didn’t.

If you want to make a difference in the world, release the victim, abuser, savior triangle from within yourself.

My own spiritual path for the past several years has been all about healing inner resistance. Anything that gets me upset that I can’t change is something to be healed. Something about someone else that continues to bother me is something to look into and heal. Chronic physical pain or dysfunction is something to be healed. Healing inner resistance results in more inner flow and peace. And when something like anger or frustration hits, it now quickly passes through.

With Kundalini energy active in my body, it’s assisting my process by pushing up things to be healed that relate not only to this lifetime, but to other lifetimes. Everything deep within me that’s not in alignment with Oneness is fair game to come up.

And one of the most prominent dynamics in my life I’ve really been working on for the past several years finally came to a head this past year: the victim, abuser dynamic.

When we slap judgment on situations, we create energetic stuckness. I could say that I was a victim of child abuse. Of course, when I was a child I never thought this. That said, I knew that things happened to me that I didn’t like and didn’t want – things that felt bad and wrong; things I felt shameful about. Things I blamed myself for. I judged myself badly.

Later on, with the help of a therapist, I eventually saw myself as a victim. And that’s where many people stop in their personal evolution. But my soul had other plans. Working with talented healers I was able to connect to my inner world and release judgment. The key to healing from the pain of our stories is to let go of judgment.

The thing is, we can only perceive that which we’re a vibrational match to. In other words, in order to consider someone a victim, we have to feel like a victim in some area of our life. And the flip side of this is the abuser. In order to perceive of someone as an abuser, we have to resonate with being an abuser. At some point we’ve been abusive.

As Tania mentioned during her interview with Karen, being abusive comes in many forms. It’s not only screaming at someone or demeaning them. It’s not only hitting or kicking someone, or forcing them to have sex against their will. But constantly putting yourself down is abusive. Constantly exercising because you think you’re too fat, or you’re terrified to become fat, is abusive.

During my healing journey I’ve seen instances when I was abusive toward other people, and much more often was abusive toward myself. And I’ve forgiven myself.

Something the interview brought forth that I haven’t though a whole lot about, but comes up in my life too often has to do with someone in my life who is ruled so often by a savior complex. He constantly feels like he has to save his friends. He has no awareness of a person’s own responsibility toward their own life and well-being, and constantly feels the need to swoop in and rescue them… whether they ask or not. Whether they’re willing to do the work or not. And his crack is people who are energy vampires.

I can relate to this because I used to be the same way. But knowing that our souls give us challenges to move us to change has given me a new perspective on life. If I keep bailing out my friend who keeps repeating an unhealthy life pattern, they’ll never change. And visa versa.

My soul knew enough to surround me with people who have no interest in evolving and my own dysfunctional dynamics, to give me brick walls to push against until I learned how to heal the resistance within. And when you heal the need to save the world, life will flow with a grace and ease you’ve never known.

And then you’ll realize it’s not your job to save the world. Not only is it not your job, but when you feel the impulse to help someone, it will come from a more altruistic place and they’ll get so much more out of it.