Effects During Kundalini Awakening

For the past five years and then some, Kundalini energy has been blasting its way through me. I say blasting because when it first opened it felt like my energetic boundaries were blown wide open. I was suddenly at one with the world. Sort of. My consciousness had recently flipped such that my truth became Oneness. Unity consciousness. Anything and everything that resonated with Oneness rang true for me and it still does. That hasn’t changed and won’t.

As human beings, during our first 6-8 years of life we create a world of inner truths that resonate with brokenness, loneliness, and less-than perfect and whole. In a nutshell, truths that resonate with separation. And where we get into trouble is when these truths rub up against those of our soul who knows we’re all one and already perfect and whole in each and every moment. But I digress.

Initially, feeling at one with the world was great. I had compassion for everyone and I understood their pain. However, my awakening also came with a purpose bubbling through to me as the mission to ‘heal duality’. It was clear as day. A bit like a bullhorn actually. My initial spiritual awakening six years previous to this one woke up the passion to learn all about energy healing, and now that I’d learned quite a bit and had healed quite a bit, this second awakening was taking things up a notch. Anything and everything that didn’t resonate with oneness, with unity consciousness, was fair game to be healed.

I’ve been on a fast track of inner change that sometimes leaves me hanging on for dear life.

Initially, any time I felt any sort of unwanted inner resistance (things within me that were rooted in fear) I could shift and heal them by sitting quietly, focusing through my heart, and allowing the shift to happen. And shift they did. It was that easy. But within a few months, inner shifts began to happen spontaneously. Before one shift was fully integrated, another one would pop off leaving me tired and foggy-headed, and with temporary aches and pains as my body adapted to my new energy field.

Being around someone whose beliefs of less-than were activated could kick off a resonance within me. It felt like my energetic skin was peeled bare. When something in my energy field resonated and began to vibrate, a healing shift could and often would happen automatically. Kundalini energy has been facilitating the loosening of energetic knots within me that don’t resonate with oneness, allowing them to bubble up and become healed.

The thing is, before having an inner healing shift, there were times when I’d act out the other person’s unhealed stuff and wouldn’t even realize it until later, especially during the first three years of the awakening. I was mirroring their unhealed beliefs of less-than right to their face completely unconsciously, and there’s nothing more triggering than that. As the person I was with became more and more activated, they’d eventually become upset, and that was about the point my energy field was ripe to shift. Early on, the timing of these healing shifts were completely out of my control and there were a few times I doubled over bawling as I released energetically. Along with the release I’d receive a spiritual download letting me know what I’d just healed.

One of the more dramatic releases happened when I was talking with a loved one who was upset and as I was trying to calm them down, my voice suddenly began to get louder and louder without my realizing it. It wasn’t until they were really upset and asked why I was yelling at them that I realized the thoughts that had been going through my mind weren’t mine. Thoughts telling me they weren’t getting it, they weren’t hearing me, sparked off fear and my voice got louder and louder. Jarred by their comment, I suddenly experienced an inner healing shift accompanied by my doubling over bawling, and asking for forgiveness. It all burst out of me utterly out of my control.

There were times like this when I wasn’t myself as I acted out other people’s unconscious beliefs, not able to see it in the moment. Only later could I look back and realize I wasn’t acting like myself at all. I cried in front of a virtual stranger because as I shared about some of the deep healing I’d done, they became upset. But they were stoic and hid their true feelings. As we talked I said a few things that probably mildly offended them because my thoughts were barraged by a host of this person’s insecurities. It was only when I left that I realized I was acting out their unhealed stuff.

As my awakening process evolved a bit I began to be able to feel when a shift was about to happen and I could extricate myself from situations to release (cry) in private. And I began to be able to hold back shifts for either hours or days until I had a safe space to let them happen. After having the houseguests from hell for about ten days, I released and bawled for probably a good twenty or so minutes straight. When they were here, I picked up on all sorts of their unhealed pain.

Later on, there were a few times when I didn’t experience a healing shift, yet found myself reverberating with someone’s unhealed stuff.

One day when an acquaintance was visiting, we were catching up and I talked about one of my son’s challenges. They opened up and shared that they had similar challenges, and while they were being vulnerable I responded to something they said with a wisecrack. It wasn’t how I’d normally respond, and I’m pretty sure it didn’t land well. But I didn’t even realize this until after they’d left. Thinking about the whole thing, I remembered this person is very sarcastic and responds to life with wisecracks and sarcasm all the time. I now see how it’s a defense mechanism that in the right circumstances can be funny. But in that moment wasn’t.

These are just a few of the more awkward moments of what I now call unconsciously mirroring people’s shit to their faces. Not fun at all. At the time I began to realize that just being around other people was like entering a minefield, and if I hadn’t been so rooted to my family and my current life, I would have left in search of solitude. But it wasn’t an option for me.

Thank goodness awakenings are a process because as much as mine is still intense, it’s evolving. It’s easing gradually. These days my life is still all about healing duality, healing my “human condition.” And along with healing my beliefs of less-than, I’m healing soul family relationships that have been playing out for lifetimes.

When the Monster Under the Bed is Real

One of the things I’m fascinated with is star beings. Extraterrestrials. I love listening to people talk about their ET experiences, especially as it relates to consciousness. And as I listened to John Yost’s account of being absolutely terrified by an ET encounter when he was seven, I couldn’t help but think back to my childhood. Memories of a monster coming to me at night, sent by my soul to ultimately help raise my consciousness.

In John’s case, he was silenced by his father at age seven and didn’t talk about what happened for forty-five years. In my case, I was also silenced by my father. And after a psychiatrist helped cement shame in place by blaming me for what happened, I was extremely reluctant to speak out, only breaking my silence twice before seeking therapy twenty-three years later. No, I didn’t have an ET experience, but the monster under my bed was real. And it took the form of my older brother.

He not only bullied and controlled me my entire life but started coming into my bedroom in the dark of the night when the house was asleep. Waking me from a dead sleep he tested me to see what he could get away with. I have no memory of the first few years he assaulted me in bed but know from recall in hypnotherapy that the actual rape began shortly before twelve. I was only eleven years old. I don’t know how old I was when the monster’s night visits began, but I know the last one happened when the monster and I were home on break from our respective colleges.

We’d been socializing with friends and had been drinking.

I awoke to the monster pawing at me. Quite asleep I was confused and it took me a minute to figure out just what was going on. This time I kicked him out. I wish I could have kicked him in the face and broken his nose, but I was his concubine. Groomed and whipped. I was still afraid of getting in trouble. And this was three years after the molestation had been found out because I was pregnant. Three years after I bore a baby in secret and gave her up for adoption. Three years after our father put a hook and eye on my bedroom door to keep the monster out.

But because I’d been away at college and he’d been away at college I forget to latch my door. I didn’t think I had to latch it anymore. After all, he’d seen a psychiatrist and should be better right? I was wrong. Despite everything that happened, the monster still slithered out from under my bed and tried to attack me.

Something that’s taken me years to realize is just how little my parents understood what was going on. If they had the slightest realization that I’d been unwillingly raped for years under their roof, they would have sent my brother away in a heartbeat. But, between the times (the late 70’s), shock, embarrassment, and denial, they saw me as complicit. Compliant. I was not.

The tricky thing is when you’re conditioned the way I was, I was led to believe it was my fault. And like so many people who are conditioned for their entire life this way, I lived my life wanting acceptance from those who hurt me the most. Stockholm syndrome. For decades I sought the monster’s approval. I kept the secret. And when he married a girl similar to me I immediately took her as the sister I never had.

She never had a clue she was marrying a monster until after my parents died and my anger began to roar. Until it was finally safe to talk about the deep, dark secret. For those who’ve been reading my posts for a while, you know I separated from the monster two years ago, separating joint inheritance. In death, my parents entangled me with the monster. And after doing a lot of deep healing, letting go of all attachment to the one who was never able to be anything but a monster, it became not only easy to separate but an imperative. There was no way in hell I was going to remain tethered to him financially or otherwise anymore.

I thought I was done healing the relationship. As in, mission complete with regards to our souls’ agreement. We agreed that I would play victim to his role as a predator as I’ve done in other lifetimes. And when my attachment to him dissolved followed by the few years it took to actually separate from him, which included doing regular healing work that helped me reclaim more power, I thought things were finished. Well, I know that if he predeceases me I’ll probably have some more healing to do then, but that likely won’t be for many years.

But this spring brought another layer of healing. Deeper yet. A repressed memory that had never come up surfaced. More trauma. I saw the little girl in me completely shatter with what came up as the first physical violation when I was five.

Several very intense healing sessions have not only brought back the memory of what happened while releasing traumatic emotions, but the healing leapfrogged beyond this life back to every life I’ve shared with the soul of the monster. And what’s crazy is I know that as much as my brother has been a monster to me and will likely never change, as a soul, his soul and mine share great love for each other. (I saw it during a healing session).

As a soul, he had a hard time knowing what he was going to do to me in this life, but he did it to further my soul’s evolution and growth. As Rob Schwartz would put it, we chose a “learning through opposites” type of agreement. In order for me to know my own power, I was systematically deprived of it pretty much from day one. Doing therapy and then healing brought back a lot of personal empowerment. And since Kundalini energy opened, still more power has been reclaimed.

In fact, my most recent healing sessions ended lifetimes of our incarnating together – at least it feels this way – by my taking responsibility for my part in perpetuating cycles of revenge and retribution. Lifetimes when I was the monster. Beyond that, a layer of rage from my teenage years bubbled up and out. My body is still dealing with the rage.

Just when I think I’m done with this, I’m not. I’ve reached a point of knowing what’s been healed and hoping I’ve hit an endpoint. At least for now.

John Yost finally decided to break his silence and because he was a filmmaker made a movie about his ET experience. During filming he returned to his childhood home, becoming re-traumatized until he met a hypnotherapist who works with people who have been abducted or who’ve had ET experiences with lost time. I don’t want to give too much away, but being regressed through the experience while in hypnosis (some of it’s in the film), he’s able to release the trauma and recall a message he was given. We are all One.

So, in the eyes of spirit, we’re all one. We’re all part of a divine masterpiece played out here on earth and on other planets and in other dimensions. That said, my main focus for the past several years has been right here. My current life in my current body. That’s what I’m mostly about these days. Right here – right now.

The irony is, as I’ve been healing my way through my Kundalini awakening, I’ve had all sorts of metaphysical experiences with spirits taking many forms from angels to animals to mythological creatures like a phoenix and dragons, to part of my ET family. So wild!!

Here We Are Again

They say it’s darkest before the light. The overcast sky today matches my state of being. My mood. My physical energy. I’m surprised I got in a shower.

I dip my toe into spiritual videos, drinking in higher wisdom and virtually communing with people I resonate with, only to disconnect and live in my own mind and body. I force myself out for a drive, out on an errand. I force myself to interact with the world because it grounds me. I have to get out of the house and away from our place when my mind is an ugly shit-storm of crap thoughts I know are lies. Yet they fill my head.

I wish I could spill all the shit but the people around me would take it as my truth. The last time I shared, it sent the person I was talking with into a tailspin of anxiety. People don’t do well when I speak their unhealed crap they’ve buried deep down.

After waking up from a full night’s sleep, my mind is anything but quiet and calm these days. I’ve been given advice like, meditate. Go sit with your thoughts until they dissipate and quiet. But my world is inside out. Trying to sit in peace and quiet only allows the furvor to get louder. What helps is going out and interacting with the public, which is hard to do when I’m exhausted. I sleep all night and wake up exhausted.

Kundalini energy is the grand eruptor. It pushes and pushes. It stirs the unconscious mind looking for duality. What else is in here that can come up and be healed?

For many people, after several months or a few years of upheaval, their Kundalini energy settles in. They’ve integrated and resumed their new lives. But even my experience of Kundalini awakening isn’t normal comparing it to the handful of people in my area I know who’ve been through it. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be let off this tilt-a-whirl.

Just when I thought I was coming out the other end of what feels like a tunnel of intense healing, beginning to feel like myself again, it only lasted a few days. Since then I’ve been back on the train of squeeze, release, squeeze, release. The light at the end of the tunnel has been pretty dim again. But it’s definitely there. Just dim.

Maybe the repressed memory I accessed at the end of March, a memory of early violation that seems to have become a catalyst for healing more at that time of my life is the final major hurdle. I can only hope.

Before Kundalini energy opened I’d evolved from blaming myself for decades for being sexually violated to realizing I was truly a victim after finally entering therapy and becoming enraged at my abuser, to reclaiming my power and healing anger after working with a really effective hypnotherapist for a few years. In fact, I’d healed so deeply and learned enough about my abuser to feel pity and some compassion for him. All the anger was gone. And when all attachment to him left me in one moment, after going through steps to be completely free from him, I thought all was said and done with regard to that relationship. Almost two years ago.

So when more came up I was shocked. I thought I was done with this shit.

Dumped back into dredging up not just stuff from childhood, but going back lifetimes. Lifetimes I’ve danced with this same soul. Dredging up fear, pain, anger. Letting it rip during healing sessions, coming out the other side with more spiritual wisdom and clarity. Only to be followed by uncomfortable integration. And then still more stuff bubbling up, saying, “Hey! Wait for me! We’re not done here.”

The truth is because healing sessions are cathartic and bring through all sorts of spiritual wisdom that becomes part of me, I love them. Using hypnotherapy and being able to dive into discomfort because I’m separated from it, it’s easy to access my inner world. And after days of feeling off, feeling unwell, the release is so welcomed. I also love a good story. They are parables.

Today is a day for lying low. I’ll get a few basic things done around the house and lie low. There isn’t any energy to do much more. I have days when I’m just getting through them, like today. No fun. Only a week until my next healing session. My next release. And then six days, then five, then four, three, two, one, then ahhh! Sweet release and relief.

Are we there yet?

It’s so weird to have come so far, yet not have my outside match my inner world. Yet.

One day.

And There’s More

Last month during a hypnotherapy healing session I very unexpectedly recovered a long-forgotten painful memory from early childhood. By the end of the session, the focus was on having been surrounded by earth angels for my entire life, and the part of my inner child who came forward was in a really good place.

But within days I could feel inside this little one wasn’t done speaking to me. Feelings of clarity and groundedness that I hadn’t felt in the past few years that accompanied her resurgence faded after three or four days. It was so amazing to feel like myself again, and frustrating to have it fade away. But it tells me I’m on the right track.

A few weeks later, working with a different healer the little girl in me came up again. After talking with the little girl, following an intuitive thread, she led me on a journey that brought light back into my heart, brought reconnection with that part of myself, and brought through some spiritual wisdom and knowledge about my life’s spiritual purpose. It was truly amazing and wonderful.

And as much as these sessions have healed and revealed, I get the very distinct feeling inside that there’s something else. Not quite something I’m missing, but rather something I’m building towards. Some larger, overarching inner reconnection.

Just a warning that this next little bit may be TMI hard to hear.

I’ve known my whole life that my older brother molested me when I was around thirteen and fourteen because I became pregnant at fourteen only months after getting my period. And I gave birth six days after my fifteenth birthday to a healthy baby girl who was given up for adoption. A few years ago during a hypnosis session, I was able to know that the raping began when I was not quite twelve. That had been repressed.

I’ve remembered a few other things my brother did to me by both spontaneously remembering an incident when I was around seven or eight, and by seeing in hypnosis when I was young enough to be in a crib standing up. The thing in the crib was more his being curious and a bully, purposefully hurting my hand and making me cry. The other thing was under the guise of playing doctor, but I didn’t want it. Back when I was little, the way to take a baby’s or very young child’s temperature was with a rectal thermometer. So my brother found a toy that he improvised as a thermometer and forced me to be his patient. He did this to a neighbor girl as well. The more uncomfortable and upset we were, the more he liked it because it made him feel powerful.

What came up last month was the first time I was physically violated ‘down there’. That’s the wording that popped into my head. The first physical violation. I was five.

What I saw in hypnosis was a part of me completely shattering, like glass. I fragmented into pieces and a big part of me completely checked out. And the healing I’ve been doing recently is helping this part of myself come back together. It’s not a one-session job – it’s taking a handful. And I’ve been using all the tools, modalities, and healers on this one.

I’ve had an intuitive reading help enlighten me about a few things, and received clues I looked into using hypnotherapy. The hypnotherapy session brought back repressed memory giving me a massive jump-start on healing this part of myself while bringing through spiritual understanding of my life’s plan. A massage therapy session a few days afterward allowed more releasing and heart opening. Working with an intuitive Reiki Master/ sound healer created some more healing to this part of myself and brought through more spiritual details of my life’s plan.

And I keep feeling like there’s more.

There’s something still brewing, wanting to come up like a boil needing to be lanced. I can feel it.

I’ve tried to see it in meditation and I can’t get full access, just a few flashes of memories. When it comes to bringing up pain from my past that caused repressed memories, the safest and most effective (and efficient) way I’ve found to heal it is through hypnotherapy. I’m able to connect with different aspects of consciousness like my inner child, my Higher Self, and guides and guardians, to see the past and create inner reconnection.

The fascinating thing when this lost memory first surfaced last month was that it’s a part of myself called Me. And what I’ve been feeling so often over the past few years has been feeling like I’m not myself. Like I’m not Me.

There’s a part of our personality that remains throughout our life that we feel whether we’re a little kid or in our eldest years – a part we know as ourselves. Sure, we grow and mature, but we’re always ourselves. And when I was violated at age 5, a chunk of Me disappeared.

As much as I now know part of my life’s plan was for this to happen, having it come back is proving to be both amazing and not so fun (at the moment). And this too shall pass. It will be interesting to see what comes of my next hypnosis session.

Earth Angels

Still working my way through Kundalini awakening, my hypnotherapist recently guided me into my inner world to have a conversation with my body. But before going into hypnotherapy, I had a psychic reading a few weeks ago that let me know that when I was young and experienced sexual abuse, I blocked a large part of myself off. The psychic said it related to sensual energy, and it was likely impacting my ability to run Kundalini energy. She believed this block explained my feeling out of sorts and tired, so I wanted to investigate and heal whatever came up. And I was curious to know if it affected food cravings that have been an issue for the past few years.

During that same psychic reading, I discovered that my prebirth plan for this life wasn’t the first plan. There was an earlier plan that would have had me born first of my siblings, but after my mother lost her first pregnancy, the soul who is now my older brother switched things up and was born first. The way she put it, he bullied his way in first. Had my prior plan borne out, I wouldn’t have gone through sexual abuse. Hearing this was a bit tough, but I know my soul agreed to the revised plan for some reason or it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know just how much of my life I could foresee before being born second, but it changed a lot about my life.

Knowing this information, I decided to keep things simple and, using hypnosis, asked my body how we could help it feel better.

Immediately I heard the voice of someone who was very upset. Asking what was wrong, she had all sorts of large, hard, plaque-like things stuck all over her body she couldn’t remove and wanted help. She said the stuff was messing her up. They were messing up her ability to connect with herself. I heard her say, “They’re messing me up. Me. ME.” Then I saw two huge letters, “M” “E” – emphasis on Me.

Following that thread, my hypnotherapist asked me to connect with that part of myself called ‘Me’. When I did, I immediately knew she was five, felt lost, and was cartwheeling in outer space. Her tether had broken and she wanted help. Letting the five-year-old Me speak more, she said, “I’m gone. I’m gone. I thought I could do this but I can’t. I’m outta here. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.” She was talking about life. Something happened that was too much.

Then my attention was drawn to the center of my chest, to my heart, where I saw a big open hole. But it wasn’t just a hole, it looked like one end of something like a funnel-shaped wormhole that went through my body and connected to the world of spirit. It felt like a tunnel we traverse between worlds, and it looked dark and uninviting.

When asked if Me was afraid of the wormhole, I heard her say, “I’m dead. I’m gone.” I suddenly knew she was trying to get back through the wormhole to the other side (spirit), but she can’t. “I’m trying to get back out the way I came in, but I can’t, so I’m dead – that’s it.” And her version of that is cartwheeling in outer space with no tether back to here.

My hypnotherapist asked if we could offer her some sort of tether and Me wasn’t so sure she wanted to come back. Validating her feelings and allowing Me to just be, her resistance to coming back began to melt. Allowing her to speak, Me said I owed her a big apology. We encouraged her to say more. She said I owed her a really big apology because shit didn’t roll out the way it was supposed to.

Becoming a bit emotional I apologized to the five-year-old Me, telling her I didn’t know how life was going to roll out. I kept telling her I was sorry and that I loved her. As I kept apologizing, she got closer and closer, beginning to trust me. I repeated I didn’t know, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know everything that was going to happen. I told her I’m not God. I don’t know every single thing that’s going to happen (in life).

Little Me just looked at me and said, “What do you mean? What do you mean you’re not God? You ARE God! You ARE love! You forgot it!!

As an inner bolt of lightning struck, a dam of emotion burst within me, and an epiphany came forth. She’s here to teach me, to remind me.

“You forgot you’re love!! You forgot there’s that part of you that’s connected to God ALL THE TIME!!!” And she’s stressing ALL… THE… TIME!!! “You forgot that part of you when you were hurt so, so deeply!! That part of you shattered SO BADLY! It shattered. It completely shattered. I just see pieces of glass EVERYWHERE. That part of you completely forgot who you were because you lost faith when your plan was smashed to bits by that asshole. You had an agreement (pre-birth) and he (my older brother) completely disregarded it. He did what he always does, and it was too much. Because you knew what was coming down the pike. You saw his actions would have all kinds of repercussions he couldn’t see, wouldn’t see. You knew all that shit was coming and you were like, Fuck no! I’m not doing it!”

Continuing on, she said, “But what you didn’t see, what you didn’t know was how much help you’d have. You were so cut off from everything and everybody, and everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. You didn’t know about all your Earth Angels!! You didn’t know your Aunt was looking after you. You didn’t know your classmate would go to the other side and become a guardian for you. And there are other Earth Angels you don’t know about who are looking out for you. Who protected you, and kept secrets about the past until it was time for you to share them.” She’s saying “You have only the slightest idea of all the Earth Angels that have been helping you throughout your life. There are SO many. SO many.

This is about knowing you’re protected on Earth.

As I looked back at this little part of me, she’s growing up, no longer a little girl. She’s looking at me, like, ‘Phew! Thank God! You finally got it! Thank you!’ (laughing)

I have been protected on Earth throughout this whole journey, even when I didn’t know it – couldn’t see it, and will be protected for the rest of my life. We’re all protected during our lives, but most people don’t know it.

When my hypnotherapist asked how all this related to my issues with food and eating, wisdom flowed from my Higher Self.

This all relates to the ‘pleasures of life’. Food is one. There are many. Yes. This does relate to physical pleasures in life. Absolutely.

Thinking about how this aspect of me who came forth was five, and knowing something devastating happened to me when I was five, I was allowed to see a bit of what it was. I was told it’s ok for me to know this now. I can handle it. I saw enough to know it was the first physical violation that shut me down. And it absolutely relates to the physical pleasures of life. I get the sense that food was a salve because I saw a scene of my little five-year-old eating cookies trying to feel better, trying to push the icky feeling out of her mind. Food helped her blunt the pain and trauma. She knew what happened wasn’t right and wasn’t ok because I keep hearing her repeat, “the icky feeling in my body, the icky feeling in my body.” And when she would eat or even when she’d just go play she could forget about it. And after a while, she kinda forgot about it. Yup. That definitely shut her down, big time.

With the trauma released, it was safe to have this memory back.

Moving forward, my hypnotherapist mentioned one of the intentions for the session was to offer this part of me who still reaches for food some sort of healing or support, and asked how we could do this.

Immediately, I saw this now more grown-up aspect standing and saying, “You heard me. You were the first person who actually listened and paid attention, and HEARD me.”

It sounded like she tried to tell someone and they blew her off. “Nobody would listen to me.” I saw her standing there and actually looking really good. She said, “I just needed to be heard. And acknowledged. And seen. And you have done that. And thank you so much.”

Then, a big energy beam emanating from her heart connected back to my heart (as I got very emotional). She looked at me and said, “Yup! Reconnection!” With very playful energy, I saw her jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline, and she jumped up and dove back into my heart saying, “I’m home now baby! I’m home!” And then I heard “I’m back! I’m back! I’m back in the saddle again” sung by Aerosmith.

Moving forward some more, my hypnotherapist asked how all this relates to my Kundalini energy and my feeling tired and out of sorts. Right off the bat, I heard “We’re working on it and making really big progress. And this was huge.” I could see that my Kundalini energy is flowing, but there are some energy blocks that have put a sort of stranglehold on it, choking it a bit here and there. And with every healing it’s allowed to flow and expand a bit more.

When it came to getting answers about my not feeling like myself and being so tired, spirit got cagey and wouldn’t give me any further info other than to remind me that my soul loves surprises and to keep doing what I’ve been doing (healing sessions). I was told that I was getting closer and closer to the finish line and when I got there it would be well worth all the shit I’ve been going through to get there. And all the pain and difficulty would fade away like a bad dream. They told me I’m doing a great job and they’re so proud of me, and to just keep going.

The session wrapped up with the reminder that although I’ve gotten good at remembering I’ve got a team in spirit helping me in life (as I received a massive hug from them), today’s message was all about remembering I’ve got help in people around me. There’s been a big focus on not being understood by those around me, but I’m being reminded it’s ok. They don’t have to understand to want to support me and love me.

Since the session, I felt better and more present than I’ve felt in a very long time for about three days. It was heavenly! Not 100% back to myself, but so much more. However, more recently things have taken a step… not really back… but perhaps sideways? There’s still some more healing to be done, but this was a doozy. It was huge. And now I know I’ve got a giant posse of Earth Angels helping me through life.

Know that when you go through trials in life you’re never alone.

The Illusion of Time

One of the first things I learned about when interests in the afterlife and energy healing entered my life was how our perceptions here in the physical world are different from when we exist in spirit. And one essential difference between these worlds is how time functions.

Time here on Earth is a very real thing that you can set your watch by. Literally. As a person with a very logical mind, very left-brained, I’ve always had a keen awareness of time and could estimate its passage pretty well. If someone told me I had fifteen minutes left to finish a test in school, I understood it. I had a sense of fifteen minutes and what I could get done in that time frame.

As a former ship’s navigator, part of my job involved time: calculating voyage plans and when on watch being able to calculate when the ship would be at a certain place at a specific time. It was my job to make sure we could get from point A to point B on time, even if the two points were almost seven thousand miles apart. Yup. My longest voyage plan. And when we were entering into a port or leaving one, quickly calculating the time we’d be at certain positions for the captain was often my job.

The first time I experienced a significant distortion of time was when I discovered hypnosis. When I came out of what felt like about ten minutes in hypnosis, the actual time passed was around forty minutes. It blew my mind! Most of us experience time distortions regularly when we daydream or get lost in our thoughts. Or when we’re doing something we love. Because it’s such a part of everyday life, we don’t really think about time other than relating to a clock.

I’m perpetually fascinated by listening to people’s near-death experiences, and they often talk about having a detailed experience of the other side that felt like hours when in our reality only several minutes passed.

One of the things I love about energy healing is the disregard for time as we perceive it, other than being mindful of my practitioner’s time and being on time for an appointment. Energy healing in general acknowledges that we carry energy blockages that were created in the past. We intuitively see or pick up on time frames. One of my earlier hypnotic experiences had the hypnotherapist regress me back to the initiation of a feeling, and when I reached that point he asked me how old I was. Without even thinking, a number would pop instantly into my mind. Three years old, eighteen months old, three months old, in the womb, before I entered a physical body. It was mind-blowing!

I’d see a scene in my mind’s eye and be walked through a healing process. At the end of the process, not only would the block have been dissolved, but everything attached to it at different ages and stages would change as well like dominos falling or pulling a thread in a chain stitch. Things that happened decades ago, or even in another lifetime would finally be addressed and dissolved. Time wasn’t relevant.

One of the things this has taught me is that when I get upset about something in the here and now, it has legs to the past. Always. 100% of the time. And if I notice a pattern of becoming upset regularly in the same situation, I’ve now got the power to either try to change the situation or heal my own upset.

After doing a lot of healing work, I began to notice that sometimes my body would begin to react even before my healing session. You see, when I’m in a session I look for discomfort or a part of me who’s unhappy and putting up some form of resistance, which is why using hypnosis is a great tool. I’m detached enough from my body to notice things like physical tightness or my heart beginning to pound without needing to react. I become the observer. I go after these uncomfortable sensations to find out what’s at their root. And sometimes just before a healing session, I’d notice my body tensing up or getting irrationally nervous.

My relationship with food has become a good barometer for me. When I notice getting food cravings and wanting to nibble when I’m not physically hungry, there’s something inside that’s unhappy and is available to become healed. The past five years, being a constant barrage of things coming up to be healed, has been rough on my weight. I’ve gained quite a bit and over this past winter my eating has not only been not so great for my weight, but for my blood sugar as well.

After a recent medical check-up, I’ve been doubling down on my efforts to eat better. And yet the days post check-up have been plagued by food cravings. Cravings for a specific candy and wanting to nibble on salty and crunchy snacks even though I’d just eaten a meal have truly sucked.

I finally realized that what I’ll be addressing in an upcoming healing session is already trying to become known. Whatever part of my consciousness that’s been living deep down is rising up. And it’s affecting my relationship with food, my #1 challenge. Food has long been my medicine: the thing that once upon a time made the pain of life bearable. And as much healing as I’ve done specifically to do with food cravings, I think what’s coming up relates to food cravings but goes beyond them. My food cravings are a symptom of something deeper. Just like gaining weight is merely a symptom of something deeper.

And it won’t be long before I get some answers.

Transformation

Going through a Kundalini awakening hasn’t been easy. For those who’ve had years of a meditative practice or who have spent a lifetime in tune with their energy and body, I think their experiences can be more gentle. Or perhaps it’s ‘the times’ in combination with my overachieving spirit that’s made the past five years quite a trial. A little like a long and drawn-out healing crisis, which I realize is an oxymoron.

Physical tiredness to exhaustion is still my constant companion. And feeling ungrounded morphs from feeling off balance and living with a barrage of crappy thoughts I recognize as just that, to merely feeling a subtle yet stubborn gap in my physical experience. A gap that brings a sense of numbness to what’s going on around me, while disconnecting me from my heart. It’s not comfortable, but at least it’s no longer excruciatingly painful as it was a few years ago. Basically, I feel like I’m not all here.

As much as I love to sit in contemplation and connect with my inner wisdom and inner world, unless I’m actively trying to bring something up and heal it, sitting quietly often only increases inner discomfort these days.

That said, when I’m composed enough to ask myself a simple question, the answer comes quickly and assuredly. Connection with higher wisdom is there.

Working with intuitive healers, I know my current path is one of healing. Healing trauma. Healing disconnection between my spirit and my very human self. I’ve known this all along. But sometimes it’s nice to get external confirmation from those I’m working with.

Recently I had a reading with a trusted psychic I’ve known and worked with for over a decade and have become friends with. A few days prior when we were visiting and chatting, she saw a few things intuitively that stuck with me and I wanted to go more in depth.

One of the things we’d been talking about was how our souls take on things within the family to heal. We do this mostly unconsciously, and when she tuned into my mother there was tremendous grief before my older brother was born. When my parents were newly married and my mother was six months pregnant, they were in a horrific car accident, and she lost the baby. What my intuitive friend saw was my soul had decided to come in at the time and would have merged with that baby, had she lived. That was the original plan. What was also intuitively known was if I’d been born first, I wouldn’t have been molested by my brother. I wouldn’t have suffered sexual violation and all its repercussions. Life would have still had challenges, but not as many. Asking about why I ended up coming in second, the psychic saw that the soul who’s my older brother was a bit of a bully on the other side and pushed his way in first.

As an aside, I believe my soul was ok with this because in spirit we don’t feel emotions the way we do here in physical bodies. Although I may have begrudgingly agreed, with the provision that my waking up spiritually and discovering an effective healing method be part of the deal.

Hearing that my original plans would have created a very different life both stung and showed me just how much I’ve worked through. It made me feel damned proud of how far I’ve come. And the next part of the reading gave me some insight as to more healing that awaits me.

After talking about pre-birth planning and how my plan deviated just before entry, I asked about my Kundalini energy specifically. Something this intuitive friend saw a while ago was that my Kundalini energy isn’t flowing well, hence the unusual tiredness and feeling out of sorts to the extent I have. She saw it as scattered instead of flowing in a nice stream.

Yes, the healing I’ve been doing has been clearing blocks so it flows better, but she could see an energetic block preventing the energy from flowing up and out of my head. As much as the block is acting like a cork in a bottle, she mentioned that I’m close to healing it. And it relates to having been sexually violated.

Just hearing this triggered an inner knowing and healing. Something deep inside recognized this truth.

Kundalini energy is many things and one of them is a sensual energy, and there’s a part of me, because of having been molested, that’s blocking the flow. But the block goes beyond being sexually violated in this lifetime. I’m just learning about our sensual energy and the part it plays in life beyond sex, but I’m feeling that it’s important in our overall enjoyment and savoring of life.

It feels like the cork has been loosened, and I’m hoping my next hypnosis session will move me significantly forward in my current healing journey. Because the block rising up seems to have to do with sensual energy, enjoying and savoring life, I wouldn’t be surprised if it relates to other lifetimes when this sort of thing was repressed, forbidden, or shameful. It will be interesting to see what comes up when I look into all this in my next healing session.

It’s my deepest desire to have my energy flowing in such a way that I feel grounded, present, and centered, as I felt before Kundalini opened. And perhaps helping Kundalini energy’s flow will accomplish just that.

Kundalini Awakening Journey

This morning I’ve been pondering, musing, contemplating. Integrating a recent healing session, I can feel things settling a bit. Integration doesn’t feel quite as tumultuous as it has, but then again I’ve been able to give myself as much TLC as possible with a very quiet house for the past four days. Long afternoon naps help.

The longer I’ve been going through this journey, the more I understand how distinctly different the process is for everyone. For quite a while I thought there was something wrong with how things were going down for me simply because the few people I know locally who’ve had their Kundalini energy wake up haven’t had such an intense physical and mental process.

Before my Kundalini energy cranked open I’d not only had a spiritual awakening six years prior but had done a lot of healing. Effective and significant healing to my life. I’d dissolved all sorts of unconscious beliefs, healed several emotional triggers and some ancestral karma. I’d become to know myself as divine (hence the blog title) and walked the world with more peace in my heart than I’d ever known. Life was beginning to flow. The victim consciousness that is such an integral part of the human condition was pretty much gone, and worry that had been a lifelong companion was becoming a thing of the past. It was truly magical.

Working with a handful of hypnotherapists I’d not only healed bits and pieces of my inner world but had had metaphysical experiences that blew my mind. Besides all the healing, I took note of my sessions and began to learn.

Ever the student, as I learned about energy healing and took notes after my healing sessions, I began to put pieces together. Sessions not only helped me heal and teach me but connected me with higher wisdom. And the more I’ve healed the clearer the connection to my higher self has become.

By the time Kundalini energy opened, life was all about healing duality within me. That’s been my overarching focus for the past almost five years. Looking back, I don’t think this focus was entirely conscious, but rather my higher self taking the reigns and guiding me.

Comparing my awakening process to others’ it’s been similar in that the first few months of Kundalini opening, my overall energy was vibrating so high it took nothing to heal anything I was in resistance to. Merely taking a quiet moment to focus within brought forth an easy inner healing shift. And within a few days the way I experienced the world changed. I had a greater understanding and more compassion.

The thing is, here in the very human, physical world, most people (at least the Westerners I know who can’t just drop out of life and go live in a spiritual center or a cave) can’t maintain such a high vibrational level indefinitely and eventually the process changes. This is where the work begins.

And this is where so many people’s process gets hard. Sometimes overwhelmingly hard. It can be referred to as a dark night of the soul. Because the psyche changes, life does too. Relationships either change or go away. Jobs and living conditions often change too. And eventually, a new normal evolves. The timeframe may be a year or two, or four or five. This is highly individual.

As I mentioned before, my entire process has been one of healing inner duality. And when I could no longer facilitate healing by myself, I turned to what works for me really, really well: hypnosis. These days I see it as guided meditation that helps me find and heal all sorts of inner resistance.

Because what I’ve been healing has affected not only lifetimes but vibrational patterns that resonate with mass consciousness, the energetic changes I’ve been experiencing have been quite significant. And corresponding integration has been trying to say the least.

Eventually, the dark night of the soul phase of the process passes and the changed person embarks on life anew. At least that’s what I’ve heard, not quite being there yet.

I recently watched a video talking about steps in a spiritual awakening, updated because the energy on our planet has changed greatly in the past few years. When energy upgrades, things shift and change. When the planet’s energy upgrades everything and everyone on it is affected. Yup, even our planet has a consciousness that’s upgrading.

My awakening has been happening during a time of massive upset and tumult. It’s not the same as when other people I know went through their own awakening years ago. My Kundalini awakening directly correlated with our former president’s taking office in early 2017 and the beginning of what was four years of all sorts of collective darkness given permission to come out of the shadows.

And before the end of his term, a pandemic came along to shake things up even more.

My Kundalini awakening has been riding right alongside some of the biggest energetic shifts since I was born in the mid-sixties. But these days change is happening even faster with tech exploding and the internet connecting us across the globe instantaneously.

Not only has my awakening been paralleling some massive planetary energetic shifts, but going through it as my body has been going through a natural phase of its own change – menopause – is not lost on me.

So sure, it’s been really intense. Beyond intense now and then. And the more I get to know my higher self, the more I’m getting a clue. I’m built for it.

For the past year and a half, I’ve been working with a handful of local healers, figuring out pretty quickly who’s a good fit and who’s not. While I’ve met several talented healers, I’ve found a few who’ve been a great fit. And at my most recent healing session, I was reminded that what makes for a great healer is someone who holds space. These days I don’t need someone to “work on me”. I need someone who creates a sacred space and helps me allow the process to unfold.

The woman I was doing hypnotherapy with back in 2019 and over half of 2020 had to stop giving hypnotherapy sessions to tend to her family. And I recently got the nudge to see if she’d returned to her spiritual side gig. Sure enough, she’s just getting her feet wet again and I’m beyond excited to not only reconnect with her but to help bring light to more of my inner shadow in just a few days.

Today I’m reminded that how my awakening process has been and is unfolding is just perfect.

Instability

I don’t know why, but my energetic system is not stable these days. I’m not the centered and grounded person I was before Kundalini energy opened. My inner world keeps bringing up things to be healed and integrated. Healed and integrated. Rinse, repeat. Still. I don’t feel like me, and when that happens I’m emotionally reactive and just plain off balance. Basically, I feel like dog shit.

There. I said it. I’m putting it out there as a reminder to myself when I read this in the future. As a marker to gauge my progress or lack thereof. It’s not 24/7/365 anymore – feeling out of sorts – but pretty much every day when I wake up and it sometimes lingers for several hours, if not most of the day. And the more discombobulated I feel, the more I know something deep down wants to be healed.

What’s got me especially off-kilter at the moment? News about my abuser. Good news for him and his family, but because I’m not centered within myself, I can feel my inner child being jealous and petty. I sense her wanting him to be dead or better yet, have his wife divorce him, his family shun him, and have him live out the rest of his life in disgrace. That would feel like adequate payback right now.

But I bet part of what’s getting to me today has to do with the energies right now. It’s the one-year anniversary of our country’s insurrection. The day when crowds of people, egged on by our former President, stormed the Capitol building to interfere with the electoral process.

What do my abuser and his family have to do with our former President and his blind followers: insurrectionists who to this day believe lies they’re constantly fed and are doing everything in their power to dismantle the democratic process? They both have extremely poor self-esteem and, like vampires, need sycophants constantly feeding them. Constantly propping them up. They’re unable to act from a place of strength, often driven by fear, and their core relationships are co-dependent. If you don’t see this dynamic with our former President, check out any of his niece Mary’s (professional psychologist) interviews talking about him.

My older brother (abuser) has his wife and her family. But he doesn’t wield the power in their family, she does. She comes from a dysfunctional family and is continuing the co-dependent patterns she developed in childhood, rather than healing them. This isn’t to put any sort of blame on her, but rather my observations, knowing her for thirty-five years.

When she discovered the truth about her husband’s sorted past shortly after both my parents died, it was buried as quickly as it was discovered. I only found out during a phone call when she made a snide, passive-aggressive comment.

And when I declared separation from my brother a few years ago, instead of hearing me both in a face-to-face conversation and in several follow up e-mails, instead of having empathy for what I’d gone through and getting on board with me, my sister-in-law tried to once again take control of her husband’s life (and mine) and got burned in the process.

Healed meant I was able to stand my ground and nothing and no one was going to prevent me from complete separation on my terms.

But hearing good news about my brother’s life stirred up all the shit again.

Truthfully, when I’m in a good place I’m happy for him. For both of them. I don’t want to get tied up in a revenge cycle. I’ve done a lot of hard work to become free from him, and in a lot of ways, I truly am.

Which is why I’ve been surprised to find myself so out of sorts and off-balance for the past few days.

With today being the reminder of how skewed politics in our country is becoming, the shadow side is coming out for all to see and get upset about once again. We’re still going through a worldwide pandemic as cases of the Omicron variant of the Covid 19 virus are increasing wildly, with people up in arms about getting vaccinated or not, and wearing masks or not, and all of this on top of my recent news has my system all amped up.

People’s different versions of ‘the truth’ being all over the place is vibrating in me today and it’s really uncomfortable.

Turning to social media for a quick break, the words I’ve been looking for suddenly appeared. Psychological war. The thing about a psychological war is people on opposite sides only see things from one perspective and usually aren’t willing to see things differently.

They dig in and are either not capable or not willing to find a middle ground. And sometimes they just like to stir the pot because instability resonates for them. The sense of feeling on edge, or feeling like the rug’s about to be pulled out from under them, waiting for the other shoe to drop is so familiar that when things are too quiet and stable, it’s intolerable so they go poke the bear.

As much as today my inner world is stirred up and I’d love to go poke the bear, I’ve got enough awareness and self-control to write here instead.

Crucifixion (Pt 3 of 3)

Kundalini energy vibrating quite actively, loosening things in my consciousness as duality is being healed, has necessitated regular healing and bodywork. While every now and then things come up somewhat spontaneously as they’re healed, I’ve been working with hypnotherapy and a few other healing modalities for the past few years. Most recently, returning to receiving therapeutic massage, I’ve been experiencing energetic releases while having massages for the past few months. What used to require having a hypnotherapist talk me down into a relaxed and focused state and walk me into a mystical, magical healing shift, now seems to be happening without saying a word.

Having a short conversation before the massage and relaxing on the table has been creating magic. I know there’s a lot going on behind the scenes, but I’m not really aware of what specifically until something inside shifts, heals, and releases in a wave of emotion.

My last post described a spontaneous healing moment accompanied by a kriya two days before the recent Winter Solstice and a day before a scheduled massage. I try to space my healing out every three to six weeks or so to give myself time to integrate between sessions because the integration is physically and mentally demanding. With the release just the day before, I assumed my massage would be a time of relaxation and TLC for my body.

Meeting with my practitioner, we sat and talked for a little while before the massage so she knew what areas of my body to focus on, and then I climbed between the warmed sheets and blanket on her table. With gentle healing music playing, she poured some heated and fragrant massage oil on her hands and began.

I started face-up.

After working on my head, neck, and shoulders, my practitioner moved to my belly. In ayurvedic medicine, the center of power is in the belly, and as such is massaged (with my consent). This is new to me in the past few months, having never worked with an ayurvedic practitioner before.

Massage, in general, can take on many forms, and in order to help the body release knots and tension, massage therapists use pressure. Sometimes kneading a muscle like dough, or holding a point and pressing deeply into it. This is what I’ve been used to. However, the beautiful soul I’ve been working with lately doesn’t have to use intensely deep physical pressure because she works as much intuitively and energetically as she does physically.

Our sessions are more like a dance between the body and consciousness. Between the physical and energetic worlds.

Her tools include heat, oils, stones, aroma, music, physical touch, and intention. And with them she creates magic.

After gently massaging my belly, she put one hand on my forehead and one on my belly, and just held them there. Energetically, she made some sort of connection because it not only felt soothing, but after a short while, emotion started to bubble up.

As I allowed the release, suddenly, the image of Christ on the cross came to me. I was him. And then the word ‘crucifixion’ appeared. I was being crucified. My practitioner’s hand on my forehead became a crown of thorns on Jesus’ head, and her hand on my belly was his belly pinned to the cross. Yes, I know Christ himself wasn’t nailed to the cross through his belly, but this was the symbolic image that came to me.

I felt something inside me crying out to God, “Why me? Why do I have to have so much suffering in my life? Why have I had to go through so much deep suffering for the past few years of Kundalini awakening? Just when I’d healed so much and life was so good. Why??”

And in the asking, the answer was already there and not new to me. Why not me? My soul wanted this. It wanted to grow through suffering. This part of me who felt like a victim to suffering shifted and let go.

Part of why we incarnate as physical beings is just this: to experience suffering. To give us opportunities to grow from it.

Why has my Kundalini awakening been so heavy with suffering? So constant and chronic for almost five years now? I’m truly not sure, other than to surmise that it’s giving me a personal experience to help me relate to others. And to show me what I can live through. The amount of relentless shit I can take. How strong I truly am. And I believe it correlates to the insane depth of constant change I’ve been undergoing.

The rest of the massage was lovely and I relaxed into it.

The next day when I was drying off from my morning shower, my belly began to itch and I began to think of my third chakra. Of course! No wonder the hand on my belly was tied to suffering and the whole “Why me?” thing! The third chakra is all about our sense of self and self-empowerment. It’s about how we relate to ourselves, our self-concept.

It’s where we carry emotional strengths and weaknesses centered around our sense of self. And with it being Christmas time and the energy of Christ being activated, no wonder I saw Christ on the cross with what felt like a big nail going through his belly.

The thing about suffering is that it begins in the mind. Not to discount physical pain, but suffering as an emotion is generated in our mind, which is our predominant form of suffering. Hence the crown of thorns imagery. During several hypnosis sessions, I’ve seen how my mind protected me by creating beliefs of less-than, only to have these beliefs turn around and cause suffering when they were activated.

Having recently listened to an interview with my favorite Unwitting Mystic, Mary Reed, she commented that she associates Buddha with the mind. Hearing about Buddha got me thinking about the fact that my massage was with an Ayurvedic practitioner, and the synchronicity of that combined with what came up to be healed being Suffering, is not lost on me.

A quick online search and the top result.

I’m still figuring things out, but my awakening process has been profoundly transformative in very good ways, and yes, filled with suffering. Deeply changing for my mind, body, and spirit. In general, it’s been not a whole lot of fun yet. But it will be.

I feel it in my bones, even if my mind sometimes forgets.

There are moments pretty much every day that show me how much I’ve changed, yet I still feel like a flywheel not quite fully engaged. I’ll get there.