Energetic Portals as Doorways to Change

Less than a week ago we reached the peak of an annual energetic portal, the Lion’s Gate. It happens every August 8th. Not knowing a whole lot about it, other than it’s a portal and a fairly big deal, I read a little bit and discovered that there’s an astrological significance to the time of year and it’s a time when the veil between worlds is thinner.

As such, people can leverage this special time to create wanted changes in their lives.

It’s a time when people rewrite life agreements and set intentions. For some people, writing letters and then burning them helps make shifts in their lives. Or gathering en masse participating in group meditations. I know several people who take advantage of portals.

As for myself, a big energetic shift happened smack on 8/8, and not by my conscious intention. It was one of these inner shifts that was ripe and just happened. Sort of.

I inadvertently said something to my Sweetheart that hit him sideways and triggered him. The next thing I knew, he was upset and his energy ran through me like a mule kick to the gut. For the rest of the day, I held my tongue as my head became a shitstorm of crap thoughts. It truly sucked. The next day, after a horrible night’s sleep I could barely eat and had the shits as my stomach ached.

The thing is, when these moments happen, a part of me deep inside resonates with his upset and shifts energetically. It becomes healed. And once the healing shift happens I become aware of what was going on. But during the moment it can be hard to recognize thoughts racing through my mind for what they are. More often than not it’s only after the shitstorm-of-my-mind has quieted that I can see with a bit of clarity. Sometimes a phrase will come to me immediately after the shift, but things weren’t so clear the other day because of the intensity of the resonance.

The past five days have been rough. But things are easing a bit. Receiving some Reiki the other day helped.

Because I’ve been so immersed in my own stuff recently, today I’ve finally been able to take a step back and see some of the shifts going on in the outer world. And one form of change I hadn’t thought about until recently is the ultimate shift. Moving between worlds by leaving the body. As Theo says, croaking.

Energetic portals can make transitioning between worlds easier as evidenced by the recent passings of Olivia Newton-John and Anne Heche. And an acquaintance’s father-in-law. Any time someone crosses over it creates a big energetic ripple, a release of grief and sadness. And love.

I grew up with the music of Olivia Newton-John and was introduced to her by the movie Grease. I was a fan. She represented beauty and grace and was stalwart and philanthropic during the years she lived with cancer. Her death has hit so many people, and the light she brought into the world was felt by millions.

When people cross over tragically as in the case of Anne Heche, I see myself in them. I know the inner demons and pain that drives people to perpetrate self-destructive behavior. I know it so intimately. And especially in the case of Anne, finding out she was a victim of incest (by her father) really hits home for me. Oof. I’m simultaneously saddened that she wasn’t able to heal her demons, and jealous that she’s now back on the other side swaddled in the unconditional love she never felt for herself here.

But I know that it was their time because nobody dies without permission – without the agreement between their higher selves and God. Their souls took advantage of the thinning of the veil between worlds and crossed over.

Rest in peace Olivia and Anne. You reached mission complete! For now…

Judgment

I was scrolling through one of my favorite social media platforms and saw a post quoting the Bible. It said, “Do not judge or you too will be judged. Matthew 7:1”

The first thing to hit me was when you judge another it’s because you hold the exact same judgmental feelings about yourself. Most people don’t know this. Judgment is something Spirit doesn’t feel. It’s not a spiritual concept, it’s a feature of being human.

We carry parts of ourselves who are unacceptable, disavowed, and buried deep within us. Parts who act out in ways that are socially unacceptable. We’re socialized from day one and learn what’s acceptable and what’s not.

When my son was very young, I took him to a local park and lake for a swim. When we got there, I grabbed his swimsuit and a towel out of our bag, and before I could take him to the changing rooms he got naked right there on the grassy area by the lake and put on his suit. I didn’t think much of it because he was around four and wasn’t self-conscious yet. After he ran down to the water’s edge an elderly woman nearby squawked, “Has he no shame?” I looked right at her and said, “No. I haven’t taught him to be ashamed of his body.” I let it go at that, but the woman probably had all sorts of judgmental thoughts about me.

One of the cool side effects of healing inner trauma, emotional triggers, annoyances, and other crud has been simultaneously releasing negative judgments about myself.

And as I no longer feel judgment toward myself, neither do I toward others. What’s left is compassion and understanding.

Lakeside

A Spiritual Truth

Years ago, I was following a group guided meditation and at the end of it, I received a message. “The deeper you can ground, the higher you can fly.”

One of the things I’ve discovered about spiritual truths is how my understanding of them deepens and evolves as I grow and evolve.

Back when this came to me I was fascinated by intuitives: people who had direct access to spirit in a way I didn’t. I wanted to be clairvoyant or clairaudient or to be able to see things like auras. I wanted to see things from what I call the 30,000 ft. view. I was taking metaphysical classes, just beginning to learn what abilities I had (we’re all born with intuitive senses), and was amazed when I was able to do things like see (with my mind’s eye) the energy of a person or a situation. But of course, I had to be sitting quietly, eyes shut, with a meditative state of mind.

Some experiences happened only once, like hearing my dead uncle’s voice during a guided meditation about connecting with our loved ones who’d crossed over. I was taking in a talk at a local spiritual center’s Mind, Body, Spirit Fair, so the energy of the sacred grounds probably helped. It was so unexpected that my brain tried to talk me out of it, but I knew with every fiber of my being I heard my uncle’s voice outside of my head. It brought me to tears because I hadn’t heard his voice since before his death in 1986.

Once when I asked a local psychic I knew and respected what natural ability I had, he said I could hear it when people lied. I could hear inauthenticity and deception in their voice, and he couldn’t. I thought everyone could do this.

Initially, when the message came to me, grounding was something I’d learned in classes: to sit quietly and run through a short meditation designed to connect me with both earth and cosmic energy, clear out my energy field, and bring me into the present moment. After doing this I’d be more available to connect to spirit in general. I’d be able to see energy more easily using my third eye, receive clairvoyant images, and connect to spirit. And it absolutely helped.

When I was working with my first spiritual hypnotherapist, after I began to heal my inner child and felt more and more inner peace, I realized this work made me feel more grounded and centered overall. It wasn’t a temporary state of being, but rather a permanent shift of consciousness. And the more my inner world became healed, the stronger the connection to my higher self and my spiritual team became, naturally.

I began to understand how all the unconscious beliefs of less-than I lived with impacted me. They constantly kicked me out of the present moment, making me think about the past or worry about the future. All my negative emotional triggers, whether they made me mildly frustrated or sent me into a rage, whether they made me feel ashamed, regretful, sad, or merely wistful were all tied to unconscious beliefs I held about myself. Every single one.

And any time they were activated they ungrounded me. My thoughts would flash back to a moment years ago when I wished I’d handled a situation better, and then a moment later I’d pay attention to traffic again while I was driving. These thoughts come and go quickly and usually without our paying attention to them. During a conversation, a friend would mention something their daughter was doing and I’d suddenly think about a worry I had about my child. But a moment later the conversation steered in another direction and the worry passed. This is how we as humans work. Thoughts flit in and out due to these unconscious beliefs I refer to as the human condition. It’s normal.

Noticing repeating patterns with my thoughts, I’d have healing sessions to help dissolve emotional triggers that I’d respond to by eating when I wasn’t hungry. And after working with this same spiritual hypnotherapist for a few years, I began to pay more and more attention to the spiritual wisdom that came through in each and every session. Not only was I experiencing profound healing, but was growing my connection to spirit; an unexpected benefit.

Today, when I have healing sessions I don’t have to be in a state of hypnosis to connect to my intuition. It happens when I’m with a healer and close my eyes. Sitting or lying down, letting my body relax, and focusing is all I need. Being asked a question, the answer comes immediately, before my brain has time to kick in. An image, a feeling, and a download of information come to me.

Going through the intense Kundalini energy process I’ve been going through, I could care less about seeing people’s auras or hearing dead people talk these days, and haven’t read another person’s energy since before Kundalini opened. That said, the more healing I’ve done, the wider my pipeline to the energy of God/Source has become. The energy that not only carries the feeling of pure love but is full of information/wisdom and helps me heal.

The depth of healing over the past several years has significantly affected things like assigning judgment to my feelings and experiences. With no longer unconsciously labeling everything good or bad, instantly categorizing things into polar opposites, when I receive spiritual information and wisdom, that’s one less human filter affecting it.

When people receive information from spirit, it comes through all their lenses of perception: their life experiences, their values, and judgments. As I’ve healed, what’s been dissolving are various lenses of perception, thus clarifying or purifying what comes through me. Plus, the breadth of information that’s able to come through me these days is much, much more than I’d receive years ago when I was new to healing work.

Today, being able to fly higher not only refers to the greater ease with which I connect spiritually, but more importantly refers to life flowing more easily in general. Having a greater sense that the energy of Source flows through me and that life happens for me, not to me.

And yes, it’s a process.

When the Monster Under the Bed is Real

One of the things I’m fascinated with is star beings. Extraterrestrials. I love listening to people talk about their ET experiences, especially as it relates to consciousness. And as I listened to John Yost’s account of being absolutely terrified by an ET encounter when he was seven, I couldn’t help but think back to my childhood. Memories of a monster coming to me at night, sent by my soul to ultimately help raise my consciousness.

In John’s case, he was silenced by his father at age seven and didn’t talk about what happened for forty-five years. In my case, I was also silenced by my father. And after a psychiatrist helped cement shame in place by blaming me for what happened, I was extremely reluctant to speak out, only breaking my silence twice before seeking therapy twenty-three years later. No, I didn’t have an ET experience, but the monster under my bed was real. And it took the form of my older brother.

He not only bullied and controlled me my entire life but started coming into my bedroom in the dark of the night when the house was asleep. Waking me from a dead sleep he tested me to see what he could get away with. I have no memory of the first few years he assaulted me in bed but know from recall in hypnotherapy that the actual rape began shortly before twelve. I was only eleven years old. I don’t know how old I was when the monster’s night visits began, but I know the last one happened when the monster and I were home on break from our respective colleges.

We’d been socializing with friends and had been drinking.

I awoke to the monster pawing at me. Quite asleep I was confused and it took me a minute to figure out just what was going on. This time I kicked him out. I wish I could have kicked him in the face and broken his nose, but I was his concubine. Groomed and whipped. I was still afraid of getting in trouble. And this was three years after the molestation had been found out because I was pregnant. Three years after I bore a baby in secret and gave her up for adoption. Three years after our father put a hook and eye on my bedroom door to keep the monster out.

But because I’d been away at college and he’d been away at college I forget to latch my door. I didn’t think I had to latch it anymore. After all, he’d seen a psychiatrist and should be better right? I was wrong. Despite everything that happened, the monster still slithered out from under my bed and tried to attack me.

Something that’s taken me years to realize is just how little my parents understood what was going on. If they had the slightest realization that I’d been unwillingly raped for years under their roof, they would have sent my brother away in a heartbeat. But, between the times (the late 70’s), shock, embarrassment, and denial, they saw me as complicit. Compliant. I was not.

The tricky thing is when you’re conditioned the way I was, I was led to believe it was my fault. And like so many people who are conditioned for their entire life this way, I lived my life wanting acceptance from those who hurt me the most. Stockholm syndrome. For decades I sought the monster’s approval. I kept the secret. And when he married a girl similar to me I immediately took her as the sister I never had.

She never had a clue she was marrying a monster until after my parents died and my anger began to roar. Until it was finally safe to talk about the deep, dark secret. For those who’ve been reading my posts for a while, you know I separated from the monster two years ago, separating joint inheritance. In death, my parents entangled me with the monster. And after doing a lot of deep healing, letting go of all attachment to the one who was never able to be anything but a monster, it became not only easy to separate but an imperative. There was no way in hell I was going to remain tethered to him financially or otherwise anymore.

I thought I was done healing the relationship. As in, mission complete with regards to our souls’ agreement. We agreed that I would play victim to his role as a predator as I’ve done in other lifetimes. And when my attachment to him dissolved followed by the few years it took to actually separate from him, which included doing regular healing work that helped me reclaim more power, I thought things were finished. Well, I know that if he predeceases me I’ll probably have some more healing to do then, but that likely won’t be for many years.

But this spring brought another layer of healing. Deeper yet. A repressed memory that had never come up surfaced. More trauma. I saw the little girl in me completely shatter with what came up as the first physical violation when I was five.

Several very intense healing sessions have not only brought back the memory of what happened while releasing traumatic emotions, but the healing leapfrogged beyond this life back to every life I’ve shared with the soul of the monster. And what’s crazy is I know that as much as my brother has been a monster to me and will likely never change, as a soul, his soul and mine share great love for each other. (I saw it during a healing session).

As a soul, he had a hard time knowing what he was going to do to me in this life, but he did it to further my soul’s evolution and growth. As Rob Schwartz would put it, we chose a “learning through opposites” type of agreement. In order for me to know my own power, I was systematically deprived of it pretty much from day one. Doing therapy and then healing brought back a lot of personal empowerment. And since Kundalini energy opened, still more power has been reclaimed.

In fact, my most recent healing sessions ended lifetimes of our incarnating together – at least it feels this way – by my taking responsibility for my part in perpetuating cycles of revenge and retribution. Lifetimes when I was the monster. Beyond that, a layer of rage from my teenage years bubbled up and out. My body is still dealing with the rage.

Just when I think I’m done with this, I’m not. I’ve reached a point of knowing what’s been healed and hoping I’ve hit an endpoint. At least for now.

John Yost finally decided to break his silence and because he was a filmmaker made a movie about his ET experience. During filming he returned to his childhood home, becoming re-traumatized until he met a hypnotherapist who works with people who have been abducted or who’ve had ET experiences with lost time. I don’t want to give too much away, but being regressed through the experience while in hypnosis (some of it’s in the film), he’s able to release the trauma and recall a message he was given. We are all One.

So, in the eyes of spirit, we’re all one. We’re all part of a divine masterpiece played out here on earth and on other planets and in other dimensions. That said, my main focus for the past several years has been right here. My current life in my current body. That’s what I’m mostly about these days. Right here – right now.

The irony is, as I’ve been healing my way through my Kundalini awakening, I’ve had all sorts of metaphysical experiences with spirits taking many forms from angels to animals to mythological creatures like a phoenix and dragons, to part of my ET family. So wild!!

Seeking

What do you seek?
What is the incessant nudge that won’t leave you alone?

What’s missing?
What’s your if only… ?

What keeps grabbing your attention?
Is it your purse or your worth?
Is it what you see in the mirror?
Is it finding Mr. or Ms. Right?

What are you chasing?
Better health and longevity?
More strength and fitness?
That satisfying job?
Or a place to call home?

What’s your itch?
To feel more powerful?
To be happier?
To have more time?
Or space?

What’s the ache?
The desire to feel more connected to God?
To have answers to the unanswerable?
To see the future?

What do you assume?
I used to assume everyone saw things as I did.
I used to assume those around me shared my values and priorities.
I used to assume my plans would come to fruition.
I used to assume a lot of things.

And then God laughed.
She laughed at my thinking I could control my world.
He wrapped me in love when unmet desires and aches became too much.
It nudged me and pulled me in directions my little brain didn’t see
To have experiences I never imagined.

What do you pay attention to?
Who do you listen to?
Is the loud voice of alarm – watch out!
Is it the constant chatter of the to-do list?
Is it the voice of disdain chattering on?

Is it the quiet whisper in the back of your head?
Is it the quiet whisper in your heart?
Is it the quiet or not so quiet whisper of your soul?

What are you looking for?
What do you seek?
And how to get there?

These days I’m looking to heal inner resistance.
Looking to release pressure, pain, anger, sadness, and fear.
So more divine love can flow through.
So I can experience peace in the midst of chaos.

I learned long ago it’s not my job to know how things will happen*,
But to set my rudder in the direction I want to go and head out.
Seeking is a part of life.
It’s the curiosity and desires that hold potential for expansion.
And it never ends.

*Thank you Archangel Michael for that one!

Here We Are Again

They say it’s darkest before the light. The overcast sky today matches my state of being. My mood. My physical energy. I’m surprised I got in a shower.

I dip my toe into spiritual videos, drinking in higher wisdom and virtually communing with people I resonate with, only to disconnect and live in my own mind and body. I force myself out for a drive, out on an errand. I force myself to interact with the world because it grounds me. I have to get out of the house and away from our place when my mind is an ugly shit-storm of crap thoughts I know are lies. Yet they fill my head.

I wish I could spill all the shit but the people around me would take it as my truth. The last time I shared, it sent the person I was talking with into a tailspin of anxiety. People don’t do well when I speak their unhealed crap they’ve buried deep down.

After waking up from a full night’s sleep, my mind is anything but quiet and calm these days. I’ve been given advice like, meditate. Go sit with your thoughts until they dissipate and quiet. But my world is inside out. Trying to sit in peace and quiet only allows the furvor to get louder. What helps is going out and interacting with the public, which is hard to do when I’m exhausted. I sleep all night and wake up exhausted.

Kundalini energy is the grand eruptor. It pushes and pushes. It stirs the unconscious mind looking for duality. What else is in here that can come up and be healed?

For many people, after several months or a few years of upheaval, their Kundalini energy settles in. They’ve integrated and resumed their new lives. But even my experience of Kundalini awakening isn’t normal comparing it to the handful of people in my area I know who’ve been through it. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be let off this tilt-a-whirl.

Just when I thought I was coming out the other end of what feels like a tunnel of intense healing, beginning to feel like myself again, it only lasted a few days. Since then I’ve been back on the train of squeeze, release, squeeze, release. The light at the end of the tunnel has been pretty dim again. But it’s definitely there. Just dim.

Maybe the repressed memory I accessed at the end of March, a memory of early violation that seems to have become a catalyst for healing more at that time of my life is the final major hurdle. I can only hope.

Before Kundalini energy opened I’d evolved from blaming myself for decades for being sexually violated to realizing I was truly a victim after finally entering therapy and becoming enraged at my abuser, to reclaiming my power and healing anger after working with a really effective hypnotherapist for a few years. In fact, I’d healed so deeply and learned enough about my abuser to feel pity and some compassion for him. All the anger was gone. And when all attachment to him left me in one moment, after going through steps to be completely free from him, I thought all was said and done with regard to that relationship. Almost two years ago.

So when more came up I was shocked. I thought I was done with this shit.

Dumped back into dredging up not just stuff from childhood, but going back lifetimes. Lifetimes I’ve danced with this same soul. Dredging up fear, pain, anger. Letting it rip during healing sessions, coming out the other side with more spiritual wisdom and clarity. Only to be followed by uncomfortable integration. And then still more stuff bubbling up, saying, “Hey! Wait for me! We’re not done here.”

The truth is because healing sessions are cathartic and bring through all sorts of spiritual wisdom that becomes part of me, I love them. Using hypnotherapy and being able to dive into discomfort because I’m separated from it, it’s easy to access my inner world. And after days of feeling off, feeling unwell, the release is so welcomed. I also love a good story. They are parables.

Today is a day for lying low. I’ll get a few basic things done around the house and lie low. There isn’t any energy to do much more. I have days when I’m just getting through them, like today. No fun. Only a week until my next healing session. My next release. And then six days, then five, then four, three, two, one, then ahhh! Sweet release and relief.

Are we there yet?

It’s so weird to have come so far, yet not have my outside match my inner world. Yet.

One day.

Pandora’s Box

I’ve learned through my own healing journey that we sometimes have things locked away in a box very tightly. And when we’ve discovered the key to the box, opening it not only creates healing but can be a sort of gateway to more. At the tag end of March, I uncovered (using hypnotherapy) a repressed memory of childhood trauma that had been deeply put away in a box I had no clue existed. So when the box was opened and knowledge of this experience came to light, I was very surprised, to say the least.

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One thing that came through loud and clear was my age. I was five. The other thing that came through loud and clear was what happened, which was called “the first physical violation.” That’s how I received it. In that session, only glimpses of details of the event came through, but what I saw quite clearly was a part of me completely shattering.

After the session, I worked with a few different types of healers to help integrate this part of me who became shattered when I was so young. And more came up and was healed. Even having those healing sessions I kept feeling inside there was more to the story. At my next hypnosis session, I needed to dive back in for more, which is just what I did.

And when I got into the session, the first thing we asked was what needed love, acknowledgment, and release. In a flash, I saw my inner child showing up like a little girl sitting in an old wooden chair, with her hand up. She looked really tired and began to speak.

“I’m done. I’m wiped out. I can’t do this anymore – it’s just too much.”

She was at the end of her rope. I’ve heard this voice many times throughout my life, and I got the sense she wanted us to find out where she began, the root of it all, so we could heal it. Heal the feeling of “I give up. I’m dead. I’m done.” The feeling of wanting to run away – “I’m out of here.” Complete and utter despair.

So we invited her to tell us her origin story. After all, she’s a bit of a superhero who’s been fighting to keep me alive for eons.

Her story began as a bright, shiny soul up in heaven who wanted to know what it was like to be a person. And she waited patiently for her turn to give it a try. She was so excited as she listened to wise elders talking about their experiences as different sorts of beings. (As the story came through me I began to get emotional). She’d had a few experiences as other types of beings and there came an opportunity to go to this planet called Earth, where everyone said it’s really extra-challenging there… especially if you want to be a human being it’s extra, extra challenging because you’re going to become disconnected in ways that other species aren’t disconnected from Source. You’re going to become disconnected in ways that animals and plants are not disconnected from Source. It’s really, really unique. And there’s no way to describe it. You just have to experience it for yourself.

Before committing completely to living a full life, she visited a fetus of her potential mother that wasn’t going to go full term. She wanted to “try on” the DNA to see if it would work for this particular plan at this particular time. To see if all the parameters would work, and they did. Just barely. Because she wanted to come in so badly at this time, despite knowing she might not make it, she went for it. There was something very special about incarnating at this time in history.

So her whole soul family and everybody gathered around and said she’s gonna need a lot more angels. She’s gonna need a lot more help. She’s going to need more support than she’s ever needed before because this one’s gonna be a squeaker by the skin of her teeth.

And yeah, those echoes of wanting to check out are going to be strong because they’ve taken her out before, but she’s one badass mother-fucker, and she’s doing it! But she knows that voice. She knows it very well. It’s taken her out probably more than a couple of times before… because she’s not afraid of pushing the envelope and trying the impossible. And being on the leading edge of creation. She loves to do that. Like riding the front of a wave.

And then I saw imagery of body surfing a wave, wiping out, tumbling and crashing, finding my footing, catching my breath, standing up knowing “I got this” and going on.

I know I’ve taken on more than I could chew in other lifetimes and ended up checking out early, and I’m here for the long haul on this one.

Reaching a good spot to pause, I checked in with my inner child. She was no longer exhausted and full of despair.

Looking over, I see the little girl sitting like she’s in school. She’s sitting wearing a dark skirt and a white blouse, sitting at an old wooden desk like I used back in elementary school. She said “Oh! I’m in the school of life and I just got another lesson. Thank you for the understanding.” And she showed me a synonym for the understanding, the information: a key. For her, it’s also literally a key that unlocks. She says it unlocks her heart. It unlocks stuff that gets blocked up in our heart. It’s the key that turns and unlocks and opens it, and it can be more open.

She’s showing me a ring full of keys, lots of keys on it. She’s showing me putting the key, an old skeleton key, in the lock and opening – it’s my heart opening. And as she “remembers” more from Source it unlocks more for her. She said, “I get it!” It’s the experience of unlocking the heart.

She’s telling me it’s a cycle – I can’t tell what’s before and what’s after because it’s not linear – but it’s the unlocking of her heart as things shift and are let go, which unlocks the pipeline of knowledge to spirit. She said, “Yup, I always thought that school was sitting and learning about stuff,” and she’s pointing to her head. And she said, “But the real school is finding the key, finding this key (as she holds up a key and puts it in her heart) and opening that.. whatever’s locked and blocked up the heart chakra. It’s just finding that key and receiving the spiritual download.”

Once this part of my inner child told her emotional story, had a big epiphany, and was happy again, I thought things were completed for the session. But when my hypnotherapist checked in with her to see how she was doing there was a tiny crumb of her that was still not doing well. Letting that tiny piece know there was no pressure for her to do or say anything other than to just be, it became clear that she needed to speak her peace.

And she did. She was really upset. Through her upset, she told me I’d fucked her up before. She’d done this “lifetime” thing before, being incarnated, only to have me kill myself sending her back to heaven, and this time she wanted to see things through. She didn’t trust me and didn’t believe me and began to call me a liar. “Liar liar, pants on fire!” I saw an image of a young child on the ground throwing a tantrum and didn’t know what to do. I told her I didn’t know about my other lifetimes and I was just doing the best I could, but she wasn’t having any of it.

Seeing that I was stuck, my hypnotherapist asked what the little girl needed. Did she need an apology? Yes.

The little one stood up and said, “I need an apology! You! You owe me!” At this point she was standing, hands on hips, really ticked off, looking right at me. Facing her, I was trying to apologize but a thick, clear wall stood between us. It looked like plexiglass about a foot thick. She kept saying I owed her an apology and I kept trying to get through to her but she couldn’t hear me. We were at an impasse.

When my hypnotherapist asked what the wall was about, I suddenly knew it was anger. Then more information began to flow in. It’s rage. Lifetimes of rage. Rage about getting fucked over… because I couldn’t see the whole picture. (As in, not having the spiritual perspective of things). A moment later the little girl finally said she needed to see more of what happened to her (when I was little). More of the bad stuff.

And what came up was seeing her brother, with a few friends around, pulling off her pants so they could all see what a girl looked like. He was showing off, trying to make himself popular.

I sensed it made the other boys uncomfortable when they saw how upset I’d become, but my brother wasn’t capable of empathy and was clueless. That part of me felt a bit like she’d been gang-raped. It was very traumatic.

The little girl spoke. “What did I do? What did I do to deserve that treatment? I just wanted him to like me. I just wanted him to play with me and he was so mean to me.”

As the little girl talked, higher wisdom began to flow into me.

While part of the brother didn’t understand he was hurting me, the other part of him really like it when he could get me upset because it gave him control over me. It made him feel powerful to make me upset. He didn’t really have empathy. By that time it was gone for him. It was gone. And then I heard… which was part of the (pre-birth) plan. For me it was mortifying, it was embarrassing, it was shameful… it was all the things. When I tried to tell I didn’t get any satisfaction. Either my mother wasn’t in a state of mind to parent, or she just didn’t care, or I don’t know what. She might have been depressed. She was, like, get over it. So… I got over it with my best friend, cookies.

Finally knowing I’d been holding onto lifetimes of rage, when I looked back to the wall it completely dissolved and disappeared. With that, the little one and I hugged as we were now reconnected. She thanked me and the entire spirit team for giving her the rest of the picture and higher wisdom giving her a new perspective. As she began to absorb her new perspective, she was pretty tired, but the longer I watched her, the more she perked up. She also began to age-progress, a sign of integration. At this point, we had reconnected and I saw her back in my heart.

Simultaneously I saw her standing by me in her early to mid-twenties, dressed as a 1970’s hippie flower power girl. She wore bell-bottom pants covered in large print colorful flowers with a matching top. She also wore big, round glasses with pink lenses. When I was in elementary school I loved the whole flower child and hippie thing and had a Rock Flower doll named Dawn.

I also saw a big sunflower. Bright and happy.

It wasn’t lost on me that women’s empowerment and taking care of the planet were a bit controversial when I was growing up, and they’ve been in the news again.

Winding things up, my inner child said, “Damn! I was trapped!”

It felt like she was locked away in a box, and we put the key in the box and it opened (like magic) and set her free. She’s thanking us profusely.

Thanks were given all around while what had just unfolded blew my mind. As complete as the session was, receiving Reiki about ten days later to help integrate my energy field allowed still more of this part of my life to come up. Uncovering the “first violation” seems to have been the opening of a Pandora’s Box of more and related healing.

And There’s More

Last month during a hypnotherapy healing session I very unexpectedly recovered a long-forgotten painful memory from early childhood. By the end of the session, the focus was on having been surrounded by earth angels for my entire life, and the part of my inner child who came forward was in a really good place.

But within days I could feel inside this little one wasn’t done speaking to me. Feelings of clarity and groundedness that I hadn’t felt in the past few years that accompanied her resurgence faded after three or four days. It was so amazing to feel like myself again, and frustrating to have it fade away. But it tells me I’m on the right track.

A few weeks later, working with a different healer the little girl in me came up again. After talking with the little girl, following an intuitive thread, she led me on a journey that brought light back into my heart, brought reconnection with that part of myself, and brought through some spiritual wisdom and knowledge about my life’s spiritual purpose. It was truly amazing and wonderful.

And as much as these sessions have healed and revealed, I get the very distinct feeling inside that there’s something else. Not quite something I’m missing, but rather something I’m building towards. Some larger, overarching inner reconnection.

Just a warning that this next little bit may be TMI hard to hear.

I’ve known my whole life that my older brother molested me when I was around thirteen and fourteen because I became pregnant at fourteen only months after getting my period. And I gave birth six days after my fifteenth birthday to a healthy baby girl who was given up for adoption. A few years ago during a hypnosis session, I was able to know that the raping began when I was not quite twelve. That had been repressed.

I’ve remembered a few other things my brother did to me by both spontaneously remembering an incident when I was around seven or eight, and by seeing in hypnosis when I was young enough to be in a crib standing up. The thing in the crib was more his being curious and a bully, purposefully hurting my hand and making me cry. The other thing was under the guise of playing doctor, but I didn’t want it. Back when I was little, the way to take a baby’s or very young child’s temperature was with a rectal thermometer. So my brother found a toy that he improvised as a thermometer and forced me to be his patient. He did this to a neighbor girl as well. The more uncomfortable and upset we were, the more he liked it because it made him feel powerful.

What came up last month was the first time I was physically violated ‘down there’. That’s the wording that popped into my head. The first physical violation. I was five.

What I saw in hypnosis was a part of me completely shattering, like glass. I fragmented into pieces and a big part of me completely checked out. And the healing I’ve been doing recently is helping this part of myself come back together. It’s not a one-session job – it’s taking a handful. And I’ve been using all the tools, modalities, and healers on this one.

I’ve had an intuitive reading help enlighten me about a few things, and received clues I looked into using hypnotherapy. The hypnotherapy session brought back repressed memory giving me a massive jump-start on healing this part of myself while bringing through spiritual understanding of my life’s plan. A massage therapy session a few days afterward allowed more releasing and heart opening. Working with an intuitive Reiki Master/ sound healer created some more healing to this part of myself and brought through more spiritual details of my life’s plan.

And I keep feeling like there’s more.

There’s something still brewing, wanting to come up like a boil needing to be lanced. I can feel it.

I’ve tried to see it in meditation and I can’t get full access, just a few flashes of memories. When it comes to bringing up pain from my past that caused repressed memories, the safest and most effective (and efficient) way I’ve found to heal it is through hypnotherapy. I’m able to connect with different aspects of consciousness like my inner child, my Higher Self, and guides and guardians, to see the past and create inner reconnection.

The fascinating thing when this lost memory first surfaced last month was that it’s a part of myself called Me. And what I’ve been feeling so often over the past few years has been feeling like I’m not myself. Like I’m not Me.

There’s a part of our personality that remains throughout our life that we feel whether we’re a little kid or in our eldest years – a part we know as ourselves. Sure, we grow and mature, but we’re always ourselves. And when I was violated at age 5, a chunk of Me disappeared.

As much as I now know part of my life’s plan was for this to happen, having it come back is proving to be both amazing and not so fun (at the moment). And this too shall pass. It will be interesting to see what comes of my next hypnosis session.

Vulnerability

Back in 2016 I’d reached a point in my healing evolution where through my hypnotherapy healing sessions I’d begun to know myself as divine and wanted a space to speak both through my newer spiritual lens, but also wanted a place to vent about things that can be hard to hear, hence the birth of this blog. A sister blog to Life’s a Journey… Not a Guided Tour.

Since then I’ve had a few posts here that I’ve shared with my Life’s a Journey readers. Cross over posts. But I’ve always tried to keep that blog free from things that can be hard to hear. Sometimes I’ll share what came up in healing sessions on both blogs but leave out some of the more uncomfortable details on the other site. It’s a place that’s perhaps easier to digest, where I share my love of photography from time to time and talk about mothering a special son.

The thing is, after so much of my Kundalini awakening addressing things beyond my conscious awareness, healing what sometimes feels like other people’s stuff that I just happen to resonate with, my more recent healing sessions have been directly addressing my childhood again. And what’s been coming up has to do with sexual violation, which is hard to hear about. Another lost memory recently resurfaced.

The thing is, what’s being healed is far beyond my childhood – it’s actually about part of the major reason for my birth and existence. What’s been coming up has to do with part of my pre-birth plan for this lifetime: being disempowered, being victimized, and reclaiming myself from the inside out. Healing not only hurt from my childhood but reinstituting feelings of self-empowerment. And knowing my soul wanted this crazy experience.

After reblogging my post about Earth Angels to my other blog, yesterday I began writing a post about mystics. A few people I follow on social media self-identify as modern mystics and I’ve been feeling like I do too. I’ve also been tossing around the idea of reading my posts out loud to give people the option of reading or listening, and as such pulled out my voice recorder and started reading out loud. I got about three-quarters of the way through the post and suddenly I became very emotional and just let go.

These days, when I’m in a contemplative state of mind, energetic blocks can spontaneously melt allowing what I think of as knowledge dumps (claircognizance). I experience emotional-energetic releases accompanied by my soul’s wisdom or knowledge coming forward. And I’ve had this happen when I was musing or talking out loud. Usually, it happens within the confines of a healing session, but not always.

The thing is, after an inner shift, my entire being goes through an integration phase of change where my thoughts can be temporarily muddied, my sleep can be off for a few days, and my body can become unusually sore or achy for a few days. And I woke up today with what feels like a vulnerability hangover from oversharing – from sharing a post about having been sexually violated on my other blog. The thing is, I’ve shared this fact there before, but never felt this way afterward.

The larger part of me knows that my perception of things is a little bit skewed right now and I’ll feel more like myself (grounded, centered) likely by tomorrow. But it’s really weird to feel this way when it’s been so foreign to me for years now. When I know it’s not me. Feelings of shame and embarrassment because of things I experienced years ago are long gone.

But something about yesterday’s spontaneous release had to do with feeling vulnerable when sharing my story – which I now realize more than ever is part of my life’s mission. When we talk about our vulnerable moments, and share them with compassion and understanding, when we bring light to them it dissolves shame and stigma. That’s it. Another layer of collective judgment and shame dissolved, allowing more of my life’s purpose to come through.

Earth Angels

Still working my way through Kundalini awakening, my hypnotherapist recently guided me into my inner world to have a conversation with my body. But before going into hypnotherapy, I had a psychic reading a few weeks ago that let me know that when I was young and experienced sexual abuse, I blocked a large part of myself off. The psychic said it related to sensual energy, and it was likely impacting my ability to run Kundalini energy. She believed this block explained my feeling out of sorts and tired, so I wanted to investigate and heal whatever came up. And I was curious to know if it affected food cravings that have been an issue for the past few years.

During that same psychic reading, I discovered that my prebirth plan for this life wasn’t the first plan. There was an earlier plan that would have had me born first of my siblings, but after my mother lost her first pregnancy, the soul who is now my older brother switched things up and was born first. The way she put it, he bullied his way in first. Had my prior plan borne out, I wouldn’t have gone through sexual abuse. Hearing this was a bit tough, but I know my soul agreed to the revised plan for some reason or it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know just how much of my life I could foresee before being born second, but it changed a lot about my life.

Knowing this information, I decided to keep things simple and, using hypnosis, asked my body how we could help it feel better.

Immediately I heard the voice of someone who was very upset. Asking what was wrong, she had all sorts of large, hard, plaque-like things stuck all over her body she couldn’t remove and wanted help. She said the stuff was messing her up. They were messing up her ability to connect with herself. I heard her say, “They’re messing me up. Me. ME.” Then I saw two huge letters, “M” “E” – emphasis on Me.

Following that thread, my hypnotherapist asked me to connect with that part of myself called ‘Me’. When I did, I immediately knew she was five, felt lost, and was cartwheeling in outer space. Her tether had broken and she wanted help. Letting the five-year-old Me speak more, she said, “I’m gone. I’m gone. I thought I could do this but I can’t. I’m outta here. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.” She was talking about life. Something happened that was too much.

Then my attention was drawn to the center of my chest, to my heart, where I saw a big open hole. But it wasn’t just a hole, it looked like one end of something like a funnel-shaped wormhole that went through my body and connected to the world of spirit. It felt like a tunnel we traverse between worlds, and it looked dark and uninviting.

When asked if Me was afraid of the wormhole, I heard her say, “I’m dead. I’m gone.” I suddenly knew she was trying to get back through the wormhole to the other side (spirit), but she can’t. “I’m trying to get back out the way I came in, but I can’t, so I’m dead – that’s it.” And her version of that is cartwheeling in outer space with no tether back to here.

My hypnotherapist asked if we could offer her some sort of tether and Me wasn’t so sure she wanted to come back. Validating her feelings and allowing Me to just be, her resistance to coming back began to melt. Allowing her to speak, Me said I owed her a big apology. We encouraged her to say more. She said I owed her a really big apology because shit didn’t roll out the way it was supposed to.

Becoming a bit emotional I apologized to the five-year-old Me, telling her I didn’t know how life was going to roll out. I kept telling her I was sorry and that I loved her. As I kept apologizing, she got closer and closer, beginning to trust me. I repeated I didn’t know, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know everything that was going to happen. I told her I’m not God. I don’t know every single thing that’s going to happen (in life).

Little Me just looked at me and said, “What do you mean? What do you mean you’re not God? You ARE God! You ARE love! You forgot it!!

As an inner bolt of lightning struck, a dam of emotion burst within me, and an epiphany came forth. She’s here to teach me, to remind me.

“You forgot you’re love!! You forgot there’s that part of you that’s connected to God ALL THE TIME!!!” And she’s stressing ALL… THE… TIME!!! “You forgot that part of you when you were hurt so, so deeply!! That part of you shattered SO BADLY! It shattered. It completely shattered. I just see pieces of glass EVERYWHERE. That part of you completely forgot who you were because you lost faith when your plan was smashed to bits by that asshole. You had an agreement (pre-birth) and he (my older brother) completely disregarded it. He did what he always does, and it was too much. Because you knew what was coming down the pike. You saw his actions would have all kinds of repercussions he couldn’t see, wouldn’t see. You knew all that shit was coming and you were like, Fuck no! I’m not doing it!”

Continuing on, she said, “But what you didn’t see, what you didn’t know was how much help you’d have. You were so cut off from everything and everybody, and everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. You didn’t know about all your Earth Angels!! You didn’t know your Aunt was looking after you. You didn’t know your classmate would go to the other side and become a guardian for you. And there are other Earth Angels you don’t know about who are looking out for you. Who protected you, and kept secrets about the past until it was time for you to share them.” She’s saying “You have only the slightest idea of all the Earth Angels that have been helping you throughout your life. There are SO many. SO many.

This is about knowing you’re protected on Earth.

As I looked back at this little part of me, she’s growing up, no longer a little girl. She’s looking at me, like, ‘Phew! Thank God! You finally got it! Thank you!’ (laughing)

I have been protected on Earth throughout this whole journey, even when I didn’t know it – couldn’t see it, and will be protected for the rest of my life. We’re all protected during our lives, but most people don’t know it.

When my hypnotherapist asked how all this related to my issues with food and eating, wisdom flowed from my Higher Self.

This all relates to the ‘pleasures of life’. Food is one. There are many. Yes. This does relate to physical pleasures in life. Absolutely.

Thinking about how this aspect of me who came forth was five, and knowing something devastating happened to me when I was five, I was allowed to see a bit of what it was. I was told it’s ok for me to know this now. I can handle it. I saw enough to know it was the first physical violation that shut me down. And it absolutely relates to the physical pleasures of life. I get the sense that food was a salve because I saw a scene of my little five-year-old eating cookies trying to feel better, trying to push the icky feeling out of her mind. Food helped her blunt the pain and trauma. She knew what happened wasn’t right and wasn’t ok because I keep hearing her repeat, “the icky feeling in my body, the icky feeling in my body.” And when she would eat or even when she’d just go play she could forget about it. And after a while, she kinda forgot about it. Yup. That definitely shut her down, big time.

With the trauma released, it was safe to have this memory back.

Moving forward, my hypnotherapist mentioned one of the intentions for the session was to offer this part of me who still reaches for food some sort of healing or support, and asked how we could do this.

Immediately, I saw this now more grown-up aspect standing and saying, “You heard me. You were the first person who actually listened and paid attention, and HEARD me.”

It sounded like she tried to tell someone and they blew her off. “Nobody would listen to me.” I saw her standing there and actually looking really good. She said, “I just needed to be heard. And acknowledged. And seen. And you have done that. And thank you so much.”

Then, a big energy beam emanating from her heart connected back to my heart (as I got very emotional). She looked at me and said, “Yup! Reconnection!” With very playful energy, I saw her jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline, and she jumped up and dove back into my heart saying, “I’m home now baby! I’m home!” And then I heard “I’m back! I’m back! I’m back in the saddle again” sung by Aerosmith.

Moving forward some more, my hypnotherapist asked how all this relates to my Kundalini energy and my feeling tired and out of sorts. Right off the bat, I heard “We’re working on it and making really big progress. And this was huge.” I could see that my Kundalini energy is flowing, but there are some energy blocks that have put a sort of stranglehold on it, choking it a bit here and there. And with every healing it’s allowed to flow and expand a bit more.

When it came to getting answers about my not feeling like myself and being so tired, spirit got cagey and wouldn’t give me any further info other than to remind me that my soul loves surprises and to keep doing what I’ve been doing (healing sessions). I was told that I was getting closer and closer to the finish line and when I got there it would be well worth all the shit I’ve been going through to get there. And all the pain and difficulty would fade away like a bad dream. They told me I’m doing a great job and they’re so proud of me, and to just keep going.

The session wrapped up with the reminder that although I’ve gotten good at remembering I’ve got a team in spirit helping me in life (as I received a massive hug from them), today’s message was all about remembering I’ve got help in people around me. There’s been a big focus on not being understood by those around me, but I’m being reminded it’s ok. They don’t have to understand to want to support me and love me.

Since the session, I felt better and more present than I’ve felt in a very long time for about three days. It was heavenly! Not 100% back to myself, but so much more. However, more recently things have taken a step… not really back… but perhaps sideways? There’s still some more healing to be done, but this was a doozy. It was huge. And now I know I’ve got a giant posse of Earth Angels helping me through life.

Know that when you go through trials in life you’re never alone.