When the Monster Under the Bed is Real

One of the things I’m fascinated with is star beings. Extraterrestrials. I love listening to people talk about their ET experiences, especially as it relates to consciousness. And as I listened to John Yost’s account of being absolutely terrified by an ET encounter when he was seven, I couldn’t help but think back to my childhood. Memories of a monster coming to me at night, sent by my soul to ultimately help raise my consciousness.

In John’s case, he was silenced by his father at age seven and didn’t talk about what happened for forty-five years. In my case, I was also silenced by my father. And after a psychiatrist helped cement shame in place by blaming me for what happened, I was extremely reluctant to speak out, only breaking my silence twice before seeking therapy twenty-three years later. No, I didn’t have an ET experience, but the monster under my bed was real. And it took the form of my older brother.

He not only bullied and controlled me my entire life but started coming into my bedroom in the dark of the night when the house was asleep. Waking me from a dead sleep he tested me to see what he could get away with. I have no memory of the first few years he assaulted me in bed but know from recall in hypnotherapy that the actual rape began shortly before twelve. I was only eleven years old. I don’t know how old I was when the monster’s night visits began, but I know the last one happened when the monster and I were home on break from our respective colleges.

We’d been socializing with friends and had been drinking.

I awoke to the monster pawing at me. Quite asleep I was confused and it took me a minute to figure out just what was going on. This time I kicked him out. I wish I could have kicked him in the face and broken his nose, but I was his concubine. Groomed and whipped. I was still afraid of getting in trouble. And this was three years after the molestation had been found out because I was pregnant. Three years after I bore a baby in secret and gave her up for adoption. Three years after our father put a hook and eye on my bedroom door to keep the monster out.

But because I’d been away at college and he’d been away at college I forget to latch my door. I didn’t think I had to latch it anymore. After all, he’d seen a psychiatrist and should be better right? I was wrong. Despite everything that happened, the monster still slithered out from under my bed and tried to attack me.

Something that’s taken me years to realize is just how little my parents understood what was going on. If they had the slightest realization that I’d been unwillingly raped for years under their roof, they would have sent my brother away in a heartbeat. But, between the times (the late 70’s), shock, embarrassment, and denial, they saw me as complicit. Compliant. I was not.

The tricky thing is when you’re conditioned the way I was, I was led to believe it was my fault. And like so many people who are conditioned for their entire life this way, I lived my life wanting acceptance from those who hurt me the most. Stockholm syndrome. For decades I sought the monster’s approval. I kept the secret. And when he married a girl similar to me I immediately took her as the sister I never had.

She never had a clue she was marrying a monster until after my parents died and my anger began to roar. Until it was finally safe to talk about the deep, dark secret. For those who’ve been reading my posts for a while, you know I separated from the monster two years ago, separating joint inheritance. In death, my parents entangled me with the monster. And after doing a lot of deep healing, letting go of all attachment to the one who was never able to be anything but a monster, it became not only easy to separate but an imperative. There was no way in hell I was going to remain tethered to him financially or otherwise anymore.

I thought I was done healing the relationship. As in, mission complete with regards to our souls’ agreement. We agreed that I would play victim to his role as a predator as I’ve done in other lifetimes. And when my attachment to him dissolved followed by the few years it took to actually separate from him, which included doing regular healing work that helped me reclaim more power, I thought things were finished. Well, I know that if he predeceases me I’ll probably have some more healing to do then, but that likely won’t be for many years.

But this spring brought another layer of healing. Deeper yet. A repressed memory that had never come up surfaced. More trauma. I saw the little girl in me completely shatter with what came up as the first physical violation when I was five.

Several very intense healing sessions have not only brought back the memory of what happened while releasing traumatic emotions, but the healing leapfrogged beyond this life back to every life I’ve shared with the soul of the monster. And what’s crazy is I know that as much as my brother has been a monster to me and will likely never change, as a soul, his soul and mine share great love for each other. (I saw it during a healing session).

As a soul, he had a hard time knowing what he was going to do to me in this life, but he did it to further my soul’s evolution and growth. As Rob Schwartz would put it, we chose a “learning through opposites” type of agreement. In order for me to know my own power, I was systematically deprived of it pretty much from day one. Doing therapy and then healing brought back a lot of personal empowerment. And since Kundalini energy opened, still more power has been reclaimed.

In fact, my most recent healing sessions ended lifetimes of our incarnating together – at least it feels this way – by my taking responsibility for my part in perpetuating cycles of revenge and retribution. Lifetimes when I was the monster. Beyond that, a layer of rage from my teenage years bubbled up and out. My body is still dealing with the rage.

Just when I think I’m done with this, I’m not. I’ve reached a point of knowing what’s been healed and hoping I’ve hit an endpoint. At least for now.

John Yost finally decided to break his silence and because he was a filmmaker made a movie about his ET experience. During filming he returned to his childhood home, becoming re-traumatized until he met a hypnotherapist who works with people who have been abducted or who’ve had ET experiences with lost time. I don’t want to give too much away, but being regressed through the experience while in hypnosis (some of it’s in the film), he’s able to release the trauma and recall a message he was given. We are all One.

So, in the eyes of spirit, we’re all one. We’re all part of a divine masterpiece played out here on earth and on other planets and in other dimensions. That said, my main focus for the past several years has been right here. My current life in my current body. That’s what I’m mostly about these days. Right here – right now.

The irony is, as I’ve been healing my way through my Kundalini awakening, I’ve had all sorts of metaphysical experiences with spirits taking many forms from angels to animals to mythological creatures like a phoenix and dragons, to part of my ET family. So wild!!

Trust the Process You’re Going Through

Having traumatic memories spontaneously return can’t happen unless and until that part of us who was traumatized feels a sense of safety to do so. And this often takes years, if not decades. It’s not uncommon for people in their thirties, forties, and later to experience this.

By definition trauma hides in our minds. It lives there, oftentimes very quietly. Until it doesn’t.

As children, we seek love. Watch me! See me! Validate and accept me! When we’re feeling bored or out of sorts there’s an impulse to seek out love and connection. And when these attempts are repeatedly met with rejection or perversion, the psyche eventually reaches a breaking point that cements in trauma.

Part of our awareness, our inner child, our small self goes underground. Tucks into a cave. Hides in a closet. Becomes part of our shadow. Becomes the human condition.

It’s not uncommon for people who were victimized as children to repress events as I have. Trauma can be so destabilizing that the mind has to deny it. The devastation creates a host of inner beliefs that allow the victim to stay here in this physical experience. And yes, coping mechanisms that were borne from these traumatic events can look like anything from chronic stress and anxiety to depression, a host of addictions, and even suicide.

When people spontaneously recover memories of trauma, like having been abused or molested as a child, it will throw them into a tailspin. Something they experienced as a child can come back in a flash or series of flashes and take them right back into the trauma. And the rest of their lives include either trying to run away from the memories or working for years in therapy.

I’ll never forget watching a television show about a woman, Ruby, who weighed 550 pounds and went on the show to lose weight. She worked with nutritionists, doctors, trainers, and a counselor to help drop 220 pounds. And somewhere into her journey, she began to remember having been molested. The show didn’t talk a lot about it, but she acknowledged having an addiction to food, and I’m sure it was borne out of having been molested.

Doing a quick search about her story, I see she’s still battling with her weight, and may not even understand how to heal her trauma or how it’s connected to her food addiction. But she acknowledged that food addiction is one of the most difficult addictions to deal with because you can’t quit food the way a person can quit drugs or other addictions.

I very intimately understand my relationship with food. Courtesy of hypnotic regression, I’ve seen events in my very young life that helped establish food as my “medicine” and have addressed a host of emotional triggers I used to live with. I’ve had sessions that successfully addressed sugar and other food cravings.

Back in 2014 when I reached my all-time highest weight, I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. My naturopathic doctor recommended a book to me and between reading the book and implementing dietary changes and having a few healing sessions with my first spiritual hypnotherapist to deal with food cravings, within six months my blood sugar was back to normal. And over about a year and a half I’d lost 95 pounds, and it felt easy!

After about a year of reclaiming my health and having a healing session every few months, Kundalini energy flew open. And that’s when all my efforts to lose weight and “get healthy” took a major pause.

Since then I’ve been on such an intense healing journey that much of life has felt like pure survival. A dark night of the soul. And unfortunately, my body has become quite heavy again, with things like high blood pressure and diabetes back in my life.

As soon as I’ve healed something, another thing bubbles up. And just as I thought I was coming out of the woods after five long years, two months ago a childhood memory of trauma resurfaced.

This sort of thing, as I already mentioned would throw anyone into a tailspin and requires usually years of therapy to even begin to process the trauma. But because the memory came back in a hypnotherapy session I was able to affect healing right away. The trauma was so fracturing that it actually took two sessions to recover and process the memory alone. And sessions beyond remembering the event have brought karmic closure, healing lifetimes of swapping the role of dominator and victim. Beyond that, I’ve been releasing rage, which has taken a few healing sessions to date. Not only rage from my youth, but rage from every lifetime I spent with this soul as his victim.

As much as my day-to-day existence has been gradually improving over the past few years, the past nine months have had their own special challenges. With the past two months being especially rough, processing the repressed traumatic memory. So yes, after having lost weight when diabetes came back a few years ago, I’ve gained weight since last October. The thing is, as much as I dislike being this heavy, I simultaneously have an absolute ton of compassion for my body and what it’s doing for me despite its struggles.

Cut to having a check-up with my doctor today. She’s very open-minded and has listened to me talk about my Kundalini awakening for over five years now. One of the things I appreciate about her is her willingness to learn about things she may not understand, and during my appointments, she’s brought up books and people in our area she thinks could help me.

Today she talked about how certain types of therapy can actually rewire our brain and mentioned a psychiatrist who’s been using psychotropic medicine in therapy to help her patients who’ve experienced trauma. Apparently, the patients’ brains are being rewired and they are experiencing dramatic healing as compared to only using talk therapy.

I sat and patiently listened. Yes. Brains can be rewired. And every healing session I have rewires my brain and changes my perception of myself and my life for the better. Without any psychotropic medicine needed. Accessing a higher level of consciousness when healing, whether it’s using a drug, plant medicine, or hypnotherapy, not only rewires our brain but changes our DNA. But for those who can’t do this using hypnotherapy, or who need to find something their insurance will cover, I’m sure this psychiatrist is a godsend.

Talking about my weight struggles over the past eight months, my doc brought up a local nutritional counseling business that practices the Intuitive Eating model. She thought it might be a good fit for me, and in general, it sounded like something I’d go for. But what she doesn’t fully comprehend is a lot of my weight gain is because I’m chronically exhausted and weak. We spent several months working to improve my energy and nothing I took or did made a difference. It’s just the way my body is reacting to the depth of healing I’m doing.

As I see it, my issue isn’t a lack of knowledge of how to eat well for my body, or following my intuition when it comes to eating. I’ve had nutritional counseling a few times in my life and I’ve even worked with two nutritional intuitives. My issue is that I still don’t feel like myself and I’m still often tired.

When I feel like myself, food issues disappear as they did for three days in the beginning of April. And as my higher self keeps telling me, I’m getting there. I will feel like myself again. I will pop out the other side of the process I’m going through. And when I do, all sorts of weight will fall off and my body will regain health quickly. This I know. It’s been coming through in every healing session lately.

An expression that often comes to mind is that a person isn’t truly dead until they’re warm and dead (referring to someone who’s hypothermic and who has no pulse and isn’t breathing but could possibly be revived). In my case, my physical condition isn’t truly representative of me until I feel like myself again. Until I feel fully present again, which I still don’t.

I left my doctor’s office a little irritated because she doesn’t hear me. I tell her about the effects of all the healing work I’m doing and at the next visit, she recommends someone she came across doing what I’m already doing, but much less effectively. Or she brings up a book that touts the mind-body connection that I’ve been telling her about for years. Not only have I known about the connection, but I’ve healed all sorts of things. I know she means well and I actually do appreciate her, but nothing she’s brought up has been helpful.

Reflecting for a moment, I might have actually been picking up on her frustration because she finds all these innovative things to help me and I reject so many of them. As much as I was pretty damned sure my tiredness wasn’t going to be improved by taking any supplements, I spent around 3 months over the winter and at least a few hundred dollars following her recommendations with zero improvements.

And to be honest, what I’m going through is quite out of her wheelhouse. I usually don’t say much about my healing work, but today I did. Which is probably why my Higher Self sent me a message this morning.

The message was to trust the process I’m going through. I literally received that message 3 times today. Trust the process. When I was new to signs and synchronicities, seeing or hearing the same message three times let me know spirit was talking to me. Today I got it the first time I heard it, but still received it two more times.

Because we’re all going through something at some time or another, I’m writing all this to pass on the same message. Trust the process you’re going through. When you’re going through the shit, keep going. You will eventually gain clarity and find more peace about it.

Wisdom from a healing session several years ago.

Pandora’s Box

I’ve learned through my own healing journey that we sometimes have things locked away in a box very tightly. And when we’ve discovered the key to the box, opening it not only creates healing but can be a sort of gateway to more. At the tag end of March, I uncovered (using hypnotherapy) a repressed memory of childhood trauma that had been deeply put away in a box I had no clue existed. So when the box was opened and knowledge of this experience came to light, I was very surprised, to say the least.

One thing that came through loud and clear was my age. I was five. The other thing that came through loud and clear was what happened, which was called “the first physical violation.” That’s how I received it. In that session, only glimpses of details of the event came through, but what I saw quite clearly was a part of me completely shattering.

After the session, I worked with a few different types of healers to help integrate this part of me who became shattered when I was so young. And more came up and was healed. Even having those healing sessions I kept feeling inside there was more to the story. At my next hypnosis session, I needed to dive back in for more, which is just what I did.

And when I got into the session, the first thing we asked was what needed love, acknowledgment, and release. In a flash, I saw my inner child showing up like a little girl sitting in an old wooden chair, with her hand up. She looked really tired and began to speak.

“I’m done. I’m wiped out. I can’t do this anymore – it’s just too much.”

She was at the end of her rope. I’ve heard this voice many times throughout my life, and I got the sense she wanted us to find out where she began, the root of it all, so we could heal it. Heal the feeling of “I give up. I’m dead. I’m done.” The feeling of wanting to run away – “I’m out of here.” Complete and utter despair.

So we invited her to tell us her origin story. After all, she’s a bit of a superhero who’s been fighting to keep me alive for eons.

Her story began as a bright, shiny soul up in heaven who wanted to know what it was like to be a person. And she waited patiently for her turn to give it a try. She was so excited as she listened to wise elders talking about their experiences as different sorts of beings. (As the story came through me I began to get emotional). She’d had a few experiences as other types of beings and there came an opportunity to go to this planet called Earth, where everyone said it’s really extra-challenging there… especially if you want to be a human being it’s extra, extra challenging because you’re going to become disconnected in ways that other species aren’t disconnected from Source. You’re going to become disconnected in ways that animals and plants are not disconnected from Source. It’s really, really unique. And there’s no way to describe it. You just have to experience it for yourself.

Before committing completely to living a full life, she visited a fetus of her potential mother that wasn’t going to go full term. She wanted to “try on” the DNA to see if it would work for this particular plan at this particular time. To see if all the parameters would work, and they did. Just barely. Because she wanted to come in so badly at this time, despite knowing she might not make it, she went for it. There was something very special about incarnating at this time in history.

So her whole soul family and everybody gathered around and said she’s gonna need a lot more angels. She’s gonna need a lot more help. She’s going to need more support than she’s ever needed before because this one’s gonna be a squeaker by the skin of her teeth.

And yeah, those echoes of wanting to check out are going to be strong because they’ve taken her out before, but she’s one badass mother-fucker, and she’s doing it! But she knows that voice. She knows it very well. It’s taken her out probably more than a couple of times before… because she’s not afraid of pushing the envelope and trying the impossible. And being on the leading edge of creation. She loves to do that. Like riding the front of a wave.

And then I saw imagery of body surfing a wave, wiping out, tumbling and crashing, finding my footing, catching my breath, standing up knowing “I got this” and going on.

I know I’ve taken on more than I could chew in other lifetimes and ended up checking out early, and I’m here for the long haul on this one.

Reaching a good spot to pause, I checked in with my inner child. She was no longer exhausted and full of despair.

Looking over, I see the little girl sitting like she’s in school. She’s sitting wearing a dark skirt and a white blouse, sitting at an old wooden desk like I used back in elementary school. She said “Oh! I’m in the school of life and I just got another lesson. Thank you for the understanding.” And she showed me a synonym for the understanding, the information: a key. For her, it’s also literally a key that unlocks. She says it unlocks her heart. It unlocks stuff that gets blocked up in our heart. It’s the key that turns and unlocks and opens it, and it can be more open.

She’s showing me a ring full of keys, lots of keys on it. She’s showing me putting the key, an old skeleton key, in the lock and opening – it’s my heart opening. And as she “remembers” more from Source it unlocks more for her. She said, “I get it!” It’s the experience of unlocking the heart.

She’s telling me it’s a cycle – I can’t tell what’s before and what’s after because it’s not linear – but it’s the unlocking of her heart as things shift and are let go, which unlocks the pipeline of knowledge to spirit. She said, “Yup, I always thought that school was sitting and learning about stuff,” and she’s pointing to her head. And she said, “But the real school is finding the key, finding this key (as she holds up a key and puts it in her heart) and opening that.. whatever’s locked and blocked up the heart chakra. It’s just finding that key and receiving the spiritual download.”

Once this part of my inner child told her emotional story, had a big epiphany, and was happy again, I thought things were completed for the session. But when my hypnotherapist checked in with her to see how she was doing there was a tiny crumb of her that was still not doing well. Letting that tiny piece know there was no pressure for her to do or say anything other than to just be, it became clear that she needed to speak her peace.

And she did. She was really upset. Through her upset, she told me I’d fucked her up before. She’d done this “lifetime” thing before, being incarnated, only to have me kill myself sending her back to heaven, and this time she wanted to see things through. She didn’t trust me and didn’t believe me and began to call me a liar. “Liar liar, pants on fire!” I saw an image of a young child on the ground throwing a tantrum and didn’t know what to do. I told her I didn’t know about my other lifetimes and I was just doing the best I could, but she wasn’t having any of it.

Seeing that I was stuck, my hypnotherapist asked what the little girl needed. Did she need an apology? Yes.

The little one stood up and said, “I need an apology! You! You owe me!” At this point she was standing, hands on hips, really ticked off, looking right at me. Facing her, I was trying to apologize but a thick, clear wall stood between us. It looked like plexiglass about a foot thick. She kept saying I owed her an apology and I kept trying to get through to her but she couldn’t hear me. We were at an impasse.

When my hypnotherapist asked what the wall was about, I suddenly knew it was anger. Then more information began to flow in. It’s rage. Lifetimes of rage. Rage about getting fucked over… because I couldn’t see the whole picture. (As in, not having the spiritual perspective of things). A moment later the little girl finally said she needed to see more of what happened to her (when I was little). More of the bad stuff.

And what came up was seeing her brother, with a few friends around, pulling off her pants so they could all see what a girl looked like. He was showing off, trying to make himself popular.

I sensed it made the other boys uncomfortable when they saw how upset I’d become, but my brother wasn’t capable of empathy and was clueless. That part of me felt a bit like she’d been gang-raped. It was very traumatic.

The little girl spoke. “What did I do? What did I do to deserve that treatment? I just wanted him to like me. I just wanted him to play with me and he was so mean to me.”

As the little girl talked, higher wisdom began to flow into me.

While part of the brother didn’t understand he was hurting me, the other part of him really like it when he could get me upset because it gave him control over me. It made him feel powerful to make me upset. He didn’t really have empathy. By that time it was gone for him. It was gone. And then I heard… which was part of the (pre-birth) plan. For me it was mortifying, it was embarrassing, it was shameful… it was all the things. When I tried to tell I didn’t get any satisfaction. Either my mother wasn’t in a state of mind to parent, or she just didn’t care, or I don’t know what. She might have been depressed. She was, like, get over it. So… I got over it with my best friend, cookies.

Finally knowing I’d been holding onto lifetimes of rage, when I looked back to the wall it completely dissolved and disappeared. With that, the little one and I hugged as we were now reconnected. She thanked me and the entire spirit team for giving her the rest of the picture and higher wisdom giving her a new perspective. As she began to absorb her new perspective, she was pretty tired, but the longer I watched her, the more she perked up. She also began to age-progress, a sign of integration. At this point, we had reconnected and I saw her back in my heart.

Simultaneously I saw her standing by me in her early to mid-twenties, dressed as a 1970’s hippie flower power girl. She wore bell-bottom pants covered in large print colorful flowers with a matching top. She also wore big, round glasses with pink lenses. When I was in elementary school I loved the whole flower child and hippie thing and had a Rock Flower doll named Dawn.

I also saw a big sunflower. Bright and happy.

It wasn’t lost on me that women’s empowerment and taking care of the planet were a bit controversial when I was growing up, and they’ve been in the news again.

Winding things up, my inner child said, “Damn! I was trapped!”

It felt like she was locked away in a box, and we put the key in the box and it opened (like magic) and set her free. She’s thanking us profusely.

Thanks were given all around while what had just unfolded blew my mind. As complete as the session was, receiving Reiki about ten days later to help integrate my energy field allowed still more of this part of my life to come up. Uncovering the “first violation” seems to have been the opening of a Pandora’s Box of more and related healing.

And There’s More

Last month during a hypnotherapy healing session I very unexpectedly recovered a long-forgotten painful memory from early childhood. By the end of the session, the focus was on having been surrounded by earth angels for my entire life, and the part of my inner child who came forward was in a really good place.

But within days I could feel inside this little one wasn’t done speaking to me. Feelings of clarity and groundedness that I hadn’t felt in the past few years that accompanied her resurgence faded after three or four days. It was so amazing to feel like myself again, and frustrating to have it fade away. But it tells me I’m on the right track.

A few weeks later, working with a different healer the little girl in me came up again. After talking with the little girl, following an intuitive thread, she led me on a journey that brought light back into my heart, brought reconnection with that part of myself, and brought through some spiritual wisdom and knowledge about my life’s spiritual purpose. It was truly amazing and wonderful.

And as much as these sessions have healed and revealed, I get the very distinct feeling inside that there’s something else. Not quite something I’m missing, but rather something I’m building towards. Some larger, overarching inner reconnection.

Just a warning that this next little bit may be TMI hard to hear.

I’ve known my whole life that my older brother molested me when I was around thirteen and fourteen because I became pregnant at fourteen only months after getting my period. And I gave birth six days after my fifteenth birthday to a healthy baby girl who was given up for adoption. A few years ago during a hypnosis session, I was able to know that the raping began when I was not quite twelve. That had been repressed.

I’ve remembered a few other things my brother did to me by both spontaneously remembering an incident when I was around seven or eight, and by seeing in hypnosis when I was young enough to be in a crib standing up. The thing in the crib was more his being curious and a bully, purposefully hurting my hand and making me cry. The other thing was under the guise of playing doctor, but I didn’t want it. Back when I was little, the way to take a baby’s or very young child’s temperature was with a rectal thermometer. So my brother found a toy that he improvised as a thermometer and forced me to be his patient. He did this to a neighbor girl as well. The more uncomfortable and upset we were, the more he liked it because it made him feel powerful.

What came up last month was the first time I was physically violated ‘down there’. That’s the wording that popped into my head. The first physical violation. I was five.

What I saw in hypnosis was a part of me completely shattering, like glass. I fragmented into pieces and a big part of me completely checked out. And the healing I’ve been doing recently is helping this part of myself come back together. It’s not a one-session job – it’s taking a handful. And I’ve been using all the tools, modalities, and healers on this one.

I’ve had an intuitive reading help enlighten me about a few things, and received clues I looked into using hypnotherapy. The hypnotherapy session brought back repressed memory giving me a massive jump-start on healing this part of myself while bringing through spiritual understanding of my life’s plan. A massage therapy session a few days afterward allowed more releasing and heart opening. Working with an intuitive Reiki Master/ sound healer created some more healing to this part of myself and brought through more spiritual details of my life’s plan.

And I keep feeling like there’s more.

There’s something still brewing, wanting to come up like a boil needing to be lanced. I can feel it.

I’ve tried to see it in meditation and I can’t get full access, just a few flashes of memories. When it comes to bringing up pain from my past that caused repressed memories, the safest and most effective (and efficient) way I’ve found to heal it is through hypnotherapy. I’m able to connect with different aspects of consciousness like my inner child, my Higher Self, and guides and guardians, to see the past and create inner reconnection.

The fascinating thing when this lost memory first surfaced last month was that it’s a part of myself called Me. And what I’ve been feeling so often over the past few years has been feeling like I’m not myself. Like I’m not Me.

There’s a part of our personality that remains throughout our life that we feel whether we’re a little kid or in our eldest years – a part we know as ourselves. Sure, we grow and mature, but we’re always ourselves. And when I was violated at age 5, a chunk of Me disappeared.

As much as I now know part of my life’s plan was for this to happen, having it come back is proving to be both amazing and not so fun (at the moment). And this too shall pass. It will be interesting to see what comes of my next hypnosis session.

Earth Angels

Still working my way through Kundalini awakening, my hypnotherapist recently guided me into my inner world to have a conversation with my body. But before going into hypnotherapy, I had a psychic reading a few weeks ago that let me know that when I was young and experienced sexual abuse, I blocked a large part of myself off. The psychic said it related to sensual energy, and it was likely impacting my ability to run Kundalini energy. She believed this block explained my feeling out of sorts and tired, so I wanted to investigate and heal whatever came up. And I was curious to know if it affected food cravings that have been an issue for the past few years.

During that same psychic reading, I discovered that my prebirth plan for this life wasn’t the first plan. There was an earlier plan that would have had me born first of my siblings, but after my mother lost her first pregnancy, the soul who is now my older brother switched things up and was born first. The way she put it, he bullied his way in first. Had my prior plan borne out, I wouldn’t have gone through sexual abuse. Hearing this was a bit tough, but I know my soul agreed to the revised plan for some reason or it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know just how much of my life I could foresee before being born second, but it changed a lot about my life.

Knowing this information, I decided to keep things simple and, using hypnosis, asked my body how we could help it feel better.

Immediately I heard the voice of someone who was very upset. Asking what was wrong, she had all sorts of large, hard, plaque-like things stuck all over her body she couldn’t remove and wanted help. She said the stuff was messing her up. They were messing up her ability to connect with herself. I heard her say, “They’re messing me up. Me. ME.” Then I saw two huge letters, “M” “E” – emphasis on Me.

Following that thread, my hypnotherapist asked me to connect with that part of myself called ‘Me’. When I did, I immediately knew she was five, felt lost, and was cartwheeling in outer space. Her tether had broken and she wanted help. Letting the five-year-old Me speak more, she said, “I’m gone. I’m gone. I thought I could do this but I can’t. I’m outta here. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.” She was talking about life. Something happened that was too much.

Then my attention was drawn to the center of my chest, to my heart, where I saw a big open hole. But it wasn’t just a hole, it looked like one end of something like a funnel-shaped wormhole that went through my body and connected to the world of spirit. It felt like a tunnel we traverse between worlds, and it looked dark and uninviting.

When asked if Me was afraid of the wormhole, I heard her say, “I’m dead. I’m gone.” I suddenly knew she was trying to get back through the wormhole to the other side (spirit), but she can’t. “I’m trying to get back out the way I came in, but I can’t, so I’m dead – that’s it.” And her version of that is cartwheeling in outer space with no tether back to here.

My hypnotherapist asked if we could offer her some sort of tether and Me wasn’t so sure she wanted to come back. Validating her feelings and allowing Me to just be, her resistance to coming back began to melt. Allowing her to speak, Me said I owed her a big apology. We encouraged her to say more. She said I owed her a really big apology because shit didn’t roll out the way it was supposed to.

Becoming a bit emotional I apologized to the five-year-old Me, telling her I didn’t know how life was going to roll out. I kept telling her I was sorry and that I loved her. As I kept apologizing, she got closer and closer, beginning to trust me. I repeated I didn’t know, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know everything that was going to happen. I told her I’m not God. I don’t know every single thing that’s going to happen (in life).

Little Me just looked at me and said, “What do you mean? What do you mean you’re not God? You ARE God! You ARE love! You forgot it!!

As an inner bolt of lightning struck, a dam of emotion burst within me, and an epiphany came forth. She’s here to teach me, to remind me.

“You forgot you’re love!! You forgot there’s that part of you that’s connected to God ALL THE TIME!!!” And she’s stressing ALL… THE… TIME!!! “You forgot that part of you when you were hurt so, so deeply!! That part of you shattered SO BADLY! It shattered. It completely shattered. I just see pieces of glass EVERYWHERE. That part of you completely forgot who you were because you lost faith when your plan was smashed to bits by that asshole. You had an agreement (pre-birth) and he (my older brother) completely disregarded it. He did what he always does, and it was too much. Because you knew what was coming down the pike. You saw his actions would have all kinds of repercussions he couldn’t see, wouldn’t see. You knew all that shit was coming and you were like, Fuck no! I’m not doing it!”

Continuing on, she said, “But what you didn’t see, what you didn’t know was how much help you’d have. You were so cut off from everything and everybody, and everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. You didn’t know about all your Earth Angels!! You didn’t know your Aunt was looking after you. You didn’t know your classmate would go to the other side and become a guardian for you. And there are other Earth Angels you don’t know about who are looking out for you. Who protected you, and kept secrets about the past until it was time for you to share them.” She’s saying “You have only the slightest idea of all the Earth Angels that have been helping you throughout your life. There are SO many. SO many.

This is about knowing you’re protected on Earth.

As I looked back at this little part of me, she’s growing up, no longer a little girl. She’s looking at me, like, ‘Phew! Thank God! You finally got it! Thank you!’ (laughing)

I have been protected on Earth throughout this whole journey, even when I didn’t know it – couldn’t see it, and will be protected for the rest of my life. We’re all protected during our lives, but most people don’t know it.

When my hypnotherapist asked how all this related to my issues with food and eating, wisdom flowed from my Higher Self.

This all relates to the ‘pleasures of life’. Food is one. There are many. Yes. This does relate to physical pleasures in life. Absolutely.

Thinking about how this aspect of me who came forth was five, and knowing something devastating happened to me when I was five, I was allowed to see a bit of what it was. I was told it’s ok for me to know this now. I can handle it. I saw enough to know it was the first physical violation that shut me down. And it absolutely relates to the physical pleasures of life. I get the sense that food was a salve because I saw a scene of my little five-year-old eating cookies trying to feel better, trying to push the icky feeling out of her mind. Food helped her blunt the pain and trauma. She knew what happened wasn’t right and wasn’t ok because I keep hearing her repeat, “the icky feeling in my body, the icky feeling in my body.” And when she would eat or even when she’d just go play she could forget about it. And after a while, she kinda forgot about it. Yup. That definitely shut her down, big time.

With the trauma released, it was safe to have this memory back.

Moving forward, my hypnotherapist mentioned one of the intentions for the session was to offer this part of me who still reaches for food some sort of healing or support, and asked how we could do this.

Immediately, I saw this now more grown-up aspect standing and saying, “You heard me. You were the first person who actually listened and paid attention, and HEARD me.”

It sounded like she tried to tell someone and they blew her off. “Nobody would listen to me.” I saw her standing there and actually looking really good. She said, “I just needed to be heard. And acknowledged. And seen. And you have done that. And thank you so much.”

Then, a big energy beam emanating from her heart connected back to my heart (as I got very emotional). She looked at me and said, “Yup! Reconnection!” With very playful energy, I saw her jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline, and she jumped up and dove back into my heart saying, “I’m home now baby! I’m home!” And then I heard “I’m back! I’m back! I’m back in the saddle again” sung by Aerosmith.

Moving forward some more, my hypnotherapist asked how all this relates to my Kundalini energy and my feeling tired and out of sorts. Right off the bat, I heard “We’re working on it and making really big progress. And this was huge.” I could see that my Kundalini energy is flowing, but there are some energy blocks that have put a sort of stranglehold on it, choking it a bit here and there. And with every healing it’s allowed to flow and expand a bit more.

When it came to getting answers about my not feeling like myself and being so tired, spirit got cagey and wouldn’t give me any further info other than to remind me that my soul loves surprises and to keep doing what I’ve been doing (healing sessions). I was told that I was getting closer and closer to the finish line and when I got there it would be well worth all the shit I’ve been going through to get there. And all the pain and difficulty would fade away like a bad dream. They told me I’m doing a great job and they’re so proud of me, and to just keep going.

The session wrapped up with the reminder that although I’ve gotten good at remembering I’ve got a team in spirit helping me in life (as I received a massive hug from them), today’s message was all about remembering I’ve got help in people around me. There’s been a big focus on not being understood by those around me, but I’m being reminded it’s ok. They don’t have to understand to want to support me and love me.

Since the session, I felt better and more present than I’ve felt in a very long time for about three days. It was heavenly! Not 100% back to myself, but so much more. However, more recently things have taken a step… not really back… but perhaps sideways? There’s still some more healing to be done, but this was a doozy. It was huge. And now I know I’ve got a giant posse of Earth Angels helping me through life.

Know that when you go through trials in life you’re never alone.

Instability

I don’t know why, but my energetic system is not stable these days. I’m not the centered and grounded person I was before Kundalini energy opened. My inner world keeps bringing up things to be healed and integrated. Healed and integrated. Rinse, repeat. Still. I don’t feel like me, and when that happens I’m emotionally reactive and just plain off balance. Basically, I feel like dog shit.

There. I said it. I’m putting it out there as a reminder to myself when I read this in the future. As a marker to gauge my progress or lack thereof. It’s not 24/7/365 anymore – feeling out of sorts – but pretty much every day when I wake up and it sometimes lingers for several hours, if not most of the day. And the more discombobulated I feel, the more I know something deep down wants to be healed.

What’s got me especially off-kilter at the moment? News about my abuser. Good news for him and his family, but because I’m not centered within myself, I can feel my inner child being jealous and petty. I sense her wanting him to be dead or better yet, have his wife divorce him, his family shun him, and have him live out the rest of his life in disgrace. That would feel like adequate payback right now.

But I bet part of what’s getting to me today has to do with the energies right now. It’s the one-year anniversary of our country’s insurrection. The day when crowds of people, egged on by our former President, stormed the Capitol building to interfere with the electoral process.

What do my abuser and his family have to do with our former President and his blind followers: insurrectionists who to this day believe lies they’re constantly fed and are doing everything in their power to dismantle the democratic process? They both have extremely poor self-esteem and, like vampires, need sycophants constantly feeding them. Constantly propping them up. They’re unable to act from a place of strength, often driven by fear, and their core relationships are co-dependent. If you don’t see this dynamic with our former President, check out any of his niece Mary’s (professional psychologist) interviews talking about him.

My older brother (abuser) has his wife and her family. But he doesn’t wield the power in their family, she does. She comes from a dysfunctional family and is continuing the co-dependent patterns she developed in childhood, rather than healing them. This isn’t to put any sort of blame on her, but rather my observations, knowing her for thirty-five years.

When she discovered the truth about her husband’s sorted past shortly after both my parents died, it was buried as quickly as it was discovered. I only found out during a phone call when she made a snide, passive-aggressive comment.

And when I declared separation from my brother a few years ago, instead of hearing me both in a face-to-face conversation and in several follow up e-mails, instead of having empathy for what I’d gone through and getting on board with me, my sister-in-law tried to once again take control of her husband’s life (and mine) and got burned in the process.

Healed meant I was able to stand my ground and nothing and no one was going to prevent me from complete separation on my terms.

But hearing good news about my brother’s life stirred up all the shit again.

Truthfully, when I’m in a good place I’m happy for him. For both of them. I don’t want to get tied up in a revenge cycle. I’ve done a lot of hard work to become free from him, and in a lot of ways, I truly am.

Which is why I’ve been surprised to find myself so out of sorts and off-balance for the past few days.

With today being the reminder of how skewed politics in our country is becoming, the shadow side is coming out for all to see and get upset about once again. We’re still going through a worldwide pandemic as cases of the Omicron variant of the Covid 19 virus are increasing wildly, with people up in arms about getting vaccinated or not, and wearing masks or not, and all of this on top of my recent news has my system all amped up.

People’s different versions of ‘the truth’ being all over the place is vibrating in me today and it’s really uncomfortable.

Turning to social media for a quick break, the words I’ve been looking for suddenly appeared. Psychological war. The thing about a psychological war is people on opposite sides only see things from one perspective and usually aren’t willing to see things differently.

They dig in and are either not capable or not willing to find a middle ground. And sometimes they just like to stir the pot because instability resonates for them. The sense of feeling on edge, or feeling like the rug’s about to be pulled out from under them, waiting for the other shoe to drop is so familiar that when things are too quiet and stable, it’s intolerable so they go poke the bear.

As much as today my inner world is stirred up and I’d love to go poke the bear, I’ve got enough awareness and self-control to write here instead.

When Life Isn’t Safe

When we don’t feel safe we do all sorts of things to feel a sense of control. And the first thing that really worked for me when I was very young was eat. Food helped me feel better. I saw it in a hypnotic healing session several years ago. And not only did I see it, but healed the part of me who came to light.

I’ve never been skinny, even when my brothers were when we were all children. But I didn’t become obese until my thirties, when I had everything I wanted, or so I thought.

Today I was reminded of a comment my doctor made to my mother at my physical exam when I’d just turned 9, which was that I was about 5 pounds too heavy. My mother was always obsessed with the numbers on the scale, and eventually I was too. Happiness and our weight became directly correlated. Mom started diet after diet, and by the time I was a teenager, so did I.

Back then, there was never a conversation about mental health at physicals. I’d never even heard about mental health. And I certainly had no clue my mother was mentally ill. When I grew up there weren’t any conversations about appropriate touch either. These things just weren’t talked about.

Being the focus of my mother’s verbal attacks, she wasn’t a safe person. How screwed up is it to have the one who you bond with first, the one who birthed and nursed you, also be the one who viciously attacked you? No wonder I blacked out so much of my childhood. Food became my salve. But I had school as a refuge, and playing with my best friend down the street.

Her house was safe for me, and her mother was like a second mother. A sane mother whose moods weren’t extreme. Who not only showed me love and who was always there for her children, but who also demonstrated what being angry looked like without attacking someone.

Taking after our mother, my older brother discovered that controlling his younger sister made him feel safe. No, he wasn’t a focus of our mother’s attacks, but he lived under the same roof and was also affected by her. Watching how my mother treated me, unfortunately, his behavior was more physically domineering and turned sexual as he began to enter puberty.

Between the situation at home and the stirrings of my own puberty, by nine years old I began to put on a little weight likely in response to my own anxiety. The thing is, so did my son around the same age. But in his case it’s because he was born prematurely with a nervous system that has always struggled to be regulated, and he lives with anxiety. Food also helps him feel better.

We all develop coping mechanisms that help us feel safe and in control when life doesn’t feel safe. Sometimes they involve behaviors we do to ourselves, like eating. And sometimes they are behaviors we to to others, like controlling them. After my mother dominated me by verbally assaulting me, and no one caught and disciplined my brother for his behavior, I never developed healthy personal boundaries.

Life had repeatedly shown me I couldn’t control those around me, and don’t get me wrong, I tried, I was a shit to my younger brother for far too long, especially when we were kids. I grew up with poor boundaries that I could only voice when I hit the end of my rope. And they came out very loud and hot, not unlike my mother.

The beauty of healing using hypnosis has been two-fold. It’s helped me let go of all sorts of emotional triggers. And it’s educated me on why they were formed in the first place. It’s changed me quite significantly from the inside out, while giving me a hell of an education on the human condition.

I can now look back at my life and say I lived with a fair bit of anxiety. I felt it so often, but didn’t know what it was. And over the course of healing my inner world, so much is now gone.

The tricky thing over the past few years is I’m not myself. Living with or being around people who have anxiety, I sometimes run their stuff through me. And after having lost 95 pounds fairly easily back in 2016 and 2017, the first few years of my Kundalini awakening saw 75 pounds come back.

Over the past two years, my weight has been very gradually declining again, about ten pounds per year. And every now and then I find myself plagued by food cravings again. Things I’d already successfully addressed in healing sessions.

Yesterday afternoon I spent hours craving sugar, waiting for the cravings to subside. I finally gave in around 8 pm and went out and bought some candy. I bought more than I usually buy when I want to satisfy my sweet tooth, but didn’t think much of it.

And today, in the light of a new day, pieces of a puzzle fall into place. Feelings of the world not being a safe place were flooding my energy field, but they weren’t mine. These days, as much as I know bad and dangerous things can happen in the world, my core belief is the world is inherently safe. I was vibing off someone I’m very close to. And the emotions running through me sparked sugar cravings and buying more than I needed. Sugar changes our brain chemistry and can make us feel safe. And over-buying can be a coping mechanism for stress/anxiety.

With this realization I’m hoping the next time I find myself reaching repeatedly for sugary treats, I’ll be able to stave them off more easily. And looking at the issue of not feeling safe in the world (which came up in a healing session in 2016 or early 2017) in a future healing session might not be a bad idea either. Peeling away another layer of the onion.

Some of what I’m healing these days are issues I’d already healed and were put to rest. But between my “new” level of consciousness and living with active Kundalini energy, things are being addressed anew.

What’s Fascinating Me Now

The larger part of my Kundalini awakening has had me addressing inner disconnection. Soul separation. There are many names for essentially the same thing. And seeing how my consciousness separated during the younger years of my life, I realize that each and every moment felt traumatic to my younger self. Every moment was an instance of the straw that broke the camel’s back. Instances when the part of myself who knew herself as perfect, divine, and eternal could no longer take the pain of physical incarnated life and the brain took over creating reasons (beliefs) explaining away why things felt so painful and intolerable.

Diving into my inner world I’ve seen time and time again my consciousness splitting during these traumatic moments, and the parts of myself who knew I was perfect, eternal, and divine going underground. They tucked themselves here and there in my body for safe keeping and I became completely unaware of them. I forgot what happened and forgot what they knew.

Healing has been an ongoing process of reconnecting with these parts of myself, these lost or disconnected parts of my inner child, and helping them shift their beliefs. Helping them shift their stuck perceptions. And as they change, so do I. Fear leaves. Anger leaves. Mistrust leaves. Grief leaves. Remorse leaves. Judgment leaves. And so much more. And when I say these things leave I don’t mean like having a drink to feel mellow for a while. I’m talking about a permanent change to my consciousness. To how I experience myself and the world.

What’s left behind after healing is often memories or part of my life’s story but without negative emotions that used to accompany it. I can remember things I experienced without becoming emotionally tanked by them anymore. And I can write and speak about them with compassion and empathy for the little girl who lived through them. Because that little girl is in such a good place after she’s been involved in a healing, there’s no pity for her either. She’s all good.

One of the beautiful things about working with trained and talented healers is the safety they provide. My healing sessions never address anything I’m not ready to face because if I’m not ready to face something it won’t become available. I won’t be able to access it until I’m able to process it. And if I’m working with someone intuitive, they won’t be given access to see anything I’m not able to process. My team in spirit always has my back.

In the past I’ve worked with a few people whose process became a bit uncomfortable after a while, and I should have let them know so they could have shifted the way they worked. But it didn’t occur to me until I worked with someone else who let me know right up front that my comfort and feeling safe was her number one priority.

Through all the lessons I’ve learned about myself and lessons I’ve learned working with several different types of healers and therapists, and working with different individuals within one genre of healing, I’ve learned a lot about trauma and about healing it. These days I’ve been fascinated to watch people talk about the subject of trauma, what it looks like, and how to heal from it.

There are so many misconceptions about what’s traumatic, what it does to a person, and if it can even be healed, that at some point, when I’m further along in my own process, I’d like to get some sort of formal training to help people heal from trauma and anything else in their life that’s not going well. I’d like to help people reconnect with their wounded inner child and bring them back home by guiding them safely within.

Like a Moth to a Flame

Have you ever heard stories about people who are treated badly or outright abused, beaten up repeatedly by their boyfriend or husband (or girlfriend or wife) and they keep going back to them? People who, despite being yelled or screamed at, keep going back to their abuser saying, “But I love him (her)!” Do you ever wonder why in the world someone would keep going back to a person who abused them? Well, growing up with an abusive brother, I kept going back looking for his love and acceptance like a moth to a flame.

The thing is, when I was born I didn’t have a loving and caring older brother. I had a brother who resented me and who used me to feel powerful. It was just how things were. I didn’t know any different. The more he treated me badly, the more I assumed I’d done something wrong. It was how my child’s mind rationalized everything. And I kept going back for more. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t treat me badly all the time. But often enough.

We’re born seeking connection from those around us. And the first group of people we know are our family. And however they treat us is what we come to know as normal. In my case, my older brother delighted in treating me badly from time to time, and although my mentally ill mother loved me and took care of me, she also oscillated between sometimes verbally assaulting me and sometimes abandoning me, depending on her mental state. So she was a mixed bag. Thankfully, my father, was consistently level headed and loving.

One of the protective things our minds do when we can’t process experiences, is block out the memories. For much of my adult life I had very few memories of my childhood until around age 13. And even then, memories were spotty. I could remember general things like where I went to school and who my teachers were in elementary school. But I don’t have details about what happened during those years except for being bullied by some sixth graders when I was in fifth grade. I also remember being teased for wearing glasses, but I have no idea in what grade or by whom. I was painfully shy for most of my school years so I was an easy target.

All attempts at developing a sense of self-empowerment or personal boundaries were immediately squashed at home. I grew up being a doormat and always mediating disputes of people around me because I couldn’t handle any conflict.

The dynamic of abuse involves power. When someone acts in an abusive manner, they’re actually reacting out of a sense of inner disempowerment. They are weak and controlling another person makes them feel powerful. But the person being abused doesn’t generally know this. As a little girl I blamed myself for how my brother acted toward me. I thought I’d made him do bad things, and if I acted differently or if I pleased him he’d treat me better. When he was particularly mean or offensive to me it only made me try harder to be acceptable in his eyes. I wanted his love and approval so badly.

I was about to write that he only did bad things to me once in a while, but I actually have no idea. I don’t remember. But there were times I remember him doing things that absolutely crossed the line into reprehensible behavior. And even one time is too many. I have no memories of him sticking up for me or coming to my rescue. Ever.

The thing about trauma is it lives in us. It becomes wired into our tissues, our DNA. And it stays with us until we’re able to deal with it. Or when our life crumbles around us and we’re forced to look at what’s going on.

For many people who live with unhealed trauma, by the time they reach their thirties or forties, they’ve become as mature as they’re going to and life has reached a place of regularity. This is often when anything that’s out of whack begins to stick out like a sore thumb. Coping mechanisms don’t seem to work as well at keeping the effects of trauma at bay. People begin to realize that there isn’t enough alcohol to keep them feeling good, or enough food, or shopping, or sex. Or they’re acting out on people around them, repeating the abusive pattern.

This is when for some people blocked memories can spontaneously come back, or can become triggered to return seemingly out of the blue.

For me, I remembered being molested when I was thirteen and fourteen, becoming pregnant when I was fourteen. And giving birth to my daughter six days past my fifteenth birthday. And because the psychiatrist I saw after my daughter was given up for adoption treated me like I was complicit in the incestuous sex, I blamed myself for being repeatedly raped. For decades. Because the whole incestuous, teen, unmarried pregnancy debacle was so over the top mortifying for my parents, and in particular my father, Dad swore us all to secrecy. We were to never speak a work about it to anyone. The oppressive mantle of shame dropped onto me.

I eventually did tell a very few close and trusted friends. And as an adult, after divine intervention allowed me to drop the mantle of shame, I told a few more friends.

In my very late thirties I first sought out counseling. And working with a counselor, my perception of the past was turned around, giving me a completely different view of things. For the first time in my life I was able to own the fact that I’d been victimized by my brother. And boy did the rage rise up! I would have stayed stuck there, triggered into rage at the mere thought of my brother if I hadn’t stumbled into healing work. This is where a lot of people become stuck with an identity of having been a victim, becoming enraged. And as much as anger can be funneled toward creating change in the world, for me it was a constant reminder of what had been done to me.

Several years later when I had a spiritual awakening, became interested in energy healing and began using a soul guided form of hypnotherapy as a healing tool, I began to not only see painful and dysfunctional dynamics during my younger life, but healed what came up on the spot. Little by little, frustrations and other emotional triggers dissolved, leaving me feeling more and more inner peace. Not only was I feeling better about life in general, but having healed a lot of inner trauma, I was able to think about my past without being an emotional prisoner to it.

As I brought back forgotten memories, some memories felt safe enough to come back on their own.

At this point both of my parents were gone so I didn’t have to consider their feelings as I healed. And as I began to heal from the intense anger I felt toward my brother, because we were now adults I thought he would come around and realize how devastating his behavior had been to me. I naively thought he’d magically change. There was a part of me who still longed for his love and approval. A little girl in me who never got it. Like a moth to a flame, the desire was still there and I kept waiting for it and expecting it.

That’s another place where people get stuck. Wanting a healthy relationship with a predator who has never changed. They get stuck going back to the predator over and over, giving them chance after chance. The thing about my brother is because he stopped physically attempting to rape me when I was around seventeen or eighteen, he thinks I should have “gotten over it” just because time passed. He has zero clue that trauma becomes wired into our body and stays with us until the day we die. And sometimes carries over into another life. As much as I’ve healed, and it’s been mind-blowing, it seems like more layers seem to find their way up.

It wasn’t until Kundalini energy began to change me from the inside out, facilitating extremely deep healing, when I was finally able to see through my mother’s eyes, and let go of what felt like the rest of the pain from our relationship. And the part of me who still wanted my brother’s love and approval was finally able to see that he had never changed and wasn’t going to change, and she was able to drop the desire. My inner child was set free, and in that moment so was I. The flame went out and I flew away.

Climbing Out of the Well

Have you ever fallen down a well or hit a brick wall? Had something in life come out of nowhere and slap you silly? You know how it can take a minute to handle the shock, to come to grips with the fact that you’re sitting at the bottom of a well or your face has just been smashed flat? Yeah. That’s been my life very recently.

One of the things about Kundalini energy is it changes you. It changes your physical body, your psychology, your energy field, everything. In my case, being ultra sensitive is not only allowing all sorts of things from my past to come up and be healed – to be set free once and for all – but much of it is happening beyond my conscious control. Which can be a bit of fuckery somewhat challenging to live with at times. But I’m getting good at being a badass healer and allowing the emotions and feelings to volcano the fuck out of me rise up and leave.

After an epiphany this past weekend, my emotions and body catching up to the “Oh, my God! That’s why for so long I thought it was my fault,” has felt like a bit of a shitstorm.

An epiphany or a-ha moment is actually an inner shift of awareness. Usually they’re relatively small, like when you’re trying to grasp a new concept and finally understand it. And sometimes they’re truly significant, like when the grandfather meets his biracial grandbaby for the first time, falls instantly in love and dumps a lifetime of prejudice.

Because my epiphanies, or energetic shifts, have been hella intense, the whole process often feels like being dropped down a well, hitting bottom, having a good cry, and finding the wherewithal to climb back up and out. But the climbing up and out is more like waiting and letting my magic carpet appear and lift me up and out.

In the moment of swirling emotions, being dunked by wave after wave, sometimes with so much foam and spray in the air, it’s hard to see and remember my truth: that they’ll pass and I will be fine.

The past few days have been rough. Rage and questioning myself, finally giving way to listlessness and wanting to distract myself with sugar and carbs. My body has been extra-exhausted, aching, hurting as if I’d been run over.

Yet I understand the pain not as a sign of damage, but a symptom of my entire energetic field having shifted. The expression of my DNA now changed. My physiology and psychology being different. And I’ve been doing this deep healing thing long enough to know that with every passing day things will feel better. Time for TLC. Rest and more rest. Only doing what I absolutely have to do.

And sure enough, this morning when I woke up I felt better. No longer feeling like I’ve been run over. And my head is so much more settled out.

I can see the bottom of the well below me and daylight is within my grasp. All I need to do is allow my magic carpet to bring me the rest of the way up and out. And Reiki in a few days will absolutely help.