Hanging On

The past few weeks have been exceptionally crazy. I know it’s hard to believe that things could get any crazier around here, but they have. With the media in a frenzy because of our President’s inappropriate responses to recent mass devastation, and Hollywood outing another sleazebag, my system has been maxed out.

Kundalini energy has my system cranked open to the energies around me and around the country. To the hundreds of thousands of women and men speaking up about having been sexually assaulted or harassed, #MeToo. And to all the people are up in arms at the lack of response by our President to the devastation in Puerto Rico.

Emotions are running high every single day.

Adding to the circus of fear, anger, shame and blame that’s running rampant, my own life is stressful enough simply because of the physical and emotional stressors of being rebirthed from the inside out.

Every once in a while, during this Kundalini awakening process, I’ve had exceptionally triggering moments, when I’ve intuited another person’s fearful emotions and run them through my body’s energy system. Last week this happened to me two times in as many days.

When this happens, it creates extreme healing. So extreme that my body dumps vibrations that resonate with the other persons fears, shifting my energetic field. After the shift, while my brain rewires and my body’s system recalibrates, life is a living hell for a while. Revisiting anger and fear filled victim consciousness, sucking away power, self-confidence and groundedness.

Mental anguish, physical discomfort and extreme exhaustion that’s not mitigated by sleep. And sleep that’s neither restful nor restorative, filling my mind with wonky dreams that stay with me well beyond waking. This was most of the past week, rolling through today.

Lots of tears. Walking around like a zombie. Doing only what I absolutely must (which unfortunately was too much because of my husband being away for work). And coping skills in full swing.

As uncomfortable and unfun as life has been, I remind myself that this too shall pass. This I know.

 

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Love and Fear

During a hypnotherapy healing session last winter, my higher self let me know that the cycle of life begins in love. I see life as a dance between allowing and resistance. Love and fear. Do we push against what is, or can we simply allow it to be? As creative and curious creatures, it’s our natural inclination to want to do things. To fix problems, and change our world. To make things better. There are times when life seems to flow easily, and other times when, in order to move forward, we push ourselves or others. Knowing when to resist and when to push is something that takes practice and experience.

Sun Break

Where I live, the winters are so gray, wet and dark that when the sun comes out, even if it’s for a few moments, it’s a thing. And it has a name. It’s a sun break. And when they happen, everyone takes notice. Seriously. This makes the evening weather news.

Even though it’s autumn and we’re heading into the wet, dark time of year here in the Pacific Northwest, my personal journey has been putting me through some of the most mentally and physically challenging/dark months of my entire life.

Times when I’ve had absolutely no energy to do more than crawl out of bed to relieve myself. And months of general exhaustion. Times when I couldn’t sleep. And times when, upon waking, I wasn’t even sure I’d slept because my head was so messed up.

Times when I couldn’t eat for several days, forcing myself to eat something to have the smallest amount of energy. And times when food cravings wouldn’t leave me alone. Times when after a sudden, extreme, energy release, my body’s tissues became inflamed for days, leaving me in all sorts of discomfort or pain.

There have been days, weeks and months of not feeling like myself, having a fuzzy, muddy head, unable to think normally. Thoughts going awry, like a runaway train going down all sorts of rabbit holes. And having my ability to make decisions and my memory go to pot, struggling for days to remember the simplest thing for even a moment.

I’ve gotten a peek into what I imagine it’s like to have Alzheimer’s, trying to remember what day of the week it is, and instead of thinking to look at a calendar, having a minor panic attack because I couldn’t even remember to check my cell phone or newspaper or a calendar. All I got was a big blank. A black hole of nothing. And then panic.

I’ve gotten glimpses into what it’s like to have a brain that doesn’t work seamlessly, dropping vocabulary and the ability to complete a thought before it’s gone. And glimpses into what it’s like to be betrayed by my mind, becoming fear-filled, anxiety-riddled, and easily overwhelmed when I’m usually a confident and capable person. Or appearing callous, when the reality was that my emotional “reaction” button had been dissolved.

There have been days when I felt so badly and so messed up that the only relief came from sitting and crying. Worse days were when I couldn’t find any relief. I couldn’t even cry. All I could do was hold on and wait for time to pass.

Thank goodness for Netflix and binge-worthy shows that kept my mind distracted so my wonky thoughts wouldn’t betray me for a few hours.

The worst days were when I lost faith. Faith in myself. And the scariest day was when my wonky brain caused me to almost end my suffering, permanently. Someone, something stepped in and stopped me from taking action. They/it put the word “Help!!” in my head. It was all so fast.

Going through a Kundalini awakening has been rebirthing me, rewiring my body and brain. It’s been a hell-ride, with all sorts of changes happening inside of me. Extreme change/healing.

Just today, I realized that I’m beginning to feel a little bit better, with more moments of focus and clarity. And it’s happened more than just one day now. It’s been two in a row! Sun break!!!

It hasn’t been all day yet, but I’ll take a sun break when I can get one. My body/brain is beginning to work in sync with my new energy field.

With each and every shift in my energy field, my physical body has to catch up. Energetic shifts are instantaneous, but it takes time for cells to divide and for new physical pathways in the body and brain to work. For my physiology to mirror my energy field. And during that time, all I can do is TLC for myself and hang on. Even though my physical energy tank is perpetually low lately, it’s beginning to perk up a little bit. I’m making tiny steps forward in life again.

These days, my perception of myself is a combination of my soul energy and my physical body; this body being a physical representation of part of my soul. And I see my life as the dance between my soul’s wishes and my human experience. They are inextricably intertwined until my physical death. And what my life looks like and feels like depends on energy flowing through my physical body. The more easily life force energy can flow through my soul, through my body, the more easily life flows.

All of this Kundalini energy and action: extreme healing, has been changing how I see the world, how I feel about things in the world, creating a compassionate lens of perception that will be permanent and full-time (as far as I can tell at this point). And it’s been reclaiming intuitive capabilities as I’ve been reconnecting with my soul’s energy. The intuitive journey has been amazing.

I think the best part of all this changing is wanting to participate in, instead of avoid, this thing called life. It’s also about having greater clarity in general, knowing that my life’s unique thread is helping to weave the great living tapestry of the world.

It’s been a very long time since I wanted to be here. And I’m beginning to feel like it’s good to be back.

Still Struggling

Having a Kundalini awakening ain’t for sissies.

The ebb and flow of experiencing the extreme healing action of Kundalini energy flowing through my body, goes on.

I recently returned from being away for two weeks. My family and I traveled across country, east, to a seasonal summer cottage that overlooks the Atlantic Ocean. This is a cottage that has come down through the family, inherited four years ago by me and my siblings. It’s a very old, small house with a killer view, and when I was growing up, was a place where I ran free and wild during our summer vacations.

My love for the ocean was born there, spending time rowing, sailing, motoring, and swimming. And after college, when I was trying to find direction in my life, it was my home for seven summer seasons while I worked on boats. It has always been a place of peace and freedom for me, where a piece of my heart will always reside.

As challenging as the past several months have been, there have been more than a few moments when I regretted planning this trip, not sure that I would even be up to all of the mental and physical aspects involved in traveling across country. With the intensity of healing that I’m going through, there have been weeks that I have barely been able to function, spending days in bed and soaking in a tub, sometimes unable to eat or sleep for a few days at a time.

With the advent of my molester brother and wife moving across country, to within driving distance of the cottage, they wanted to reconnect with me. It had been since my mother’s funeral that we’d actually set eyes on each other, and since that time, feelings had gotten hurt, and my sister-in-law found out about the big secret.

Our relationship has been a major source of pain in my life, and it’s only in the past few years that I can think of my brother without becoming enraged. And when we talked at one point this summer, I told him about how much I had healed from our childhood, and mentioned that I could see him at some point, talking about the possibility of it being while I was at the cottage with my family.

But as the time drew closer, I was really struggling with some unexpected triggers that came up. And because of it, I suggested to my brother that we delay our reunion until next summer so I wouldn’t be such a mess (and so I might have a prayer of a chance of enjoying my vacation).

At the same time, I was trying to get caught up on paying bills before going away and asked my brother for his contribution to a joint account that pays for the cottage. For the first time in the four years that we’ve been co-owners of the cottage, all of a sudden, my brother wouldn’t come up with his full share of the contribution. So much for having an enjoyable vacation. I immediately became hugely triggered.

I could see the writing on the wall and decided that as much as seeing them would put a crimp in my vacation, I acquiesced and told them they could come stay for a few days. I figured that I’d have most of the processing done before I went there, and that by the time I saw them it would be ok.

I was wrong. The weeks before I saw them, they invaded my thoughts most of the day, every day and I was a mess. The first week of our vacation, I was absolutely not myself at all. While they were there, I was compassionate and detached enough to let all sorts of back biting and cutting comments that came flying out of my sister-in-law’s mouth and other things go. And in fact, I had a heart to heart chat with each of them. But even before they left, the shifts began.

I became aware of their disconnects and emotional pain and began to process it through my body and mind. And even since I’ve been home, I’ve been an exhausted, disconnected wreck.

I am reliving feelings of hurt and betrayal from my past. I am reliving the shame of being secretly locked away when I was pregnant, and the anger of having my perfect teenage body ruined. I am reliving feeling used and bullied because I allowed these two to invade my family’s vacation, knowing full well I would become affected. I am reliving feeling victimized all over again.

I am reliving decades of rage. And it’s been really hard to not take it out on my family.

I had no idea how much shit would get stirred up, and how much it would fuck me up again. As much as I know this is a process, and I know these feelings will pass, I really resent being put in a position of feeling like I still have to keep my mouth shut about this whole fucked up family stuff. I resent feeling like I still need to keep a secret that has done nothing but hurt me since I’ve become an adult.

Not only am I reliving feelings that I thought I’d put to bed, but my intuition has been on fire and I see all of my brother’s and his wife’s painful disconnects and dysfunctions. Spending a few days with them, watching how they relate, was quite frankly, very painful.

Since being home, it’s been an extreme rollercoaster of crap, and I’m still trying to muddle through. One day I feel better, and the next I’m out flat, until whatever it is rises up, I have a good cry, and begin to feel better again.

I look forward to when I can get off this ride and coast for a while.

Right now, the only wisdom I can share is the sweetness I know I’ll feel when so much of this shit and muck is behind me. Life is simply about experiencing life, with all of its up and downs. And the larger the contrast, the sweeter the experience.

Detached

So weird

This feeling of detachment.

I’m not in sync with the world

Not in sync with myself.

Wanting to do things

Yet having trouble moving forward

Yet again.

Can I force myself to move?

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s best to respond

To the drowsiness

And just sleep.

The sleep of a thousand sleeps.

A Few Life Lessons

Over the past several months, Kundalini energy – an energy of creation – has been working its way through me and my entire energetic system. It’s been working its magic on my mental body, burning off everything that no longer serves me. It’s sort of like the healing work I’ve been doing over the past several years, but on steroids. All sorts of old beliefs, low frequency energies, are leaving me. In droves. Kundalini energy is a sort of fire burning through me at times, recreating me from the inside out.

One thing that hit me the other day is a few of the life lessons that have been plunked right down into my head as truths. These are phrases I received in a flash of “knowing” that have been backed up by experience. What’s really bizarre and cool at the same time, is these phrases are what people commonly refer to as platitudes said during times when we have no answers for life.

I now know where these phrases and expressions come from. Once upon a time, they were intuited by someone like me, backed up by an experience. (Experience cements something into us as something we know, rather than something we believe.)

Anyway, onto the good stuff.

My newest truth is, “You will never be given more than you can handle.”

This is the absolute truth to me now. It’s no longer a platitude. I had a moment a few weeks ago when life almost became more than I could handle. Know what happened? Spirit intervened. As simple as that, and yet not. I was taken right to the brink of life. And when I reached that precipice, spirit dove in and caught me.

In that moment I also learned that, “No one dies without permission.” We don’t leave the physical world without permission from both our soul and God. If we are not finished here in the physical world, we stay. And as long as we are here, there is meaning and purpose, simply because life, as a whole, has meaning and purpose.

Moving our consciousness from a state of pure energy into perceiving ourselves as physical beings is not random. It is an act we do very much on purpose. We create plans as an outline for our experience, make agreements with other spirits to join them and interact with them while we are physical, and when it’s agreed upon by our soul and by God, that’s when we leave – and not before.

Something I’m now understanding more and more, is the quality and depth of healing that happens with Kundalini energy is exponentially more than the healing I was achieving without it. I am healing things not only from this lifetime, but other lifetimes too. And, the energy from my own healing ripples out beyond me, to the world.

Often times, people go through an entire lifetime without having a close up view of mortality until right before they go. I’ve received that gift years before my time. The gift of having a dance with mortality, for me, is the knowledge that we don’t leave until we are finished, and I am very, very far from finished.

And as much as I know this is true for me, I really believe it’s true for everyone. Over and over, I’ve read stories about people who’ve had brushes with death, only to be saved at the last-minute. There are books out there about people who have been saved by angels (both the real ones and human ones). And every case of near death experience is also evidence supporting my new truth.

The take away is this: if you are here, it’s not by accident. Life itself is purposeful. If you are alive, it’s because at least part of you wants to be here. You are not done yet.

Does this mean that life feels wonderful and fabulous all the time? Abso-freaking-lutely not!! And anyone who tries to blow that up your nose needs to take a look at their own life. But I do know that the way things feel in life change. We have all sorts of feelings and emotions pass through us every day, and some of them feel great, while others, not so much.

I think in one way I’m over the most difficult part of this Kundalini awakening experience. Although, I also see that in other ways, I’m still in the thick of things. As with all experiences, the longer I’m in it, the more I’m learning. And also, as with anything brand new, there is a learning curve. And this one is proving to be steep.

Now that I understand a bit more of my own process, the biggest challenge is that I’m not only healing things from my life and other lifetimes, but when I interact with other people, my heart is so open now and my system is so sensitive, that I’m taking in what doesn’t serve them (at least whatever I resonate with), and healing that too. And I don’t seem to be able to stop this from happening right now. The “healing” process seems to be on automatic pilot. I couldn’t stop it if I wanted.

Figuring out how to manage all of this has been a full-time job, and sometimes only by the grace of God, I’m making it through.

As platitudes become truths, this experience rolls on.

Ascension

Pushing, pushing, pushing

Trying hard, too hard.

What we resist, persists.

So delicate, like a fragile flower.

Without warning, triggered.

Instantly, the trigger is answered

And released with a rush of tears.

A new energetic template is created.

Energy (spirit) and physical now begin the dance

Of getting back together.

The new ascended version.

Of me.

Time for radical self care.

Brain Droppings

I might be cross posting between my two blogs for a while, simply because I don’t have the brain power or energy to maintain two separate blogs at the moment. And I also don’t have the want or desire right now to create something different and entirely new. So here ya go!!

Life Is A Journey... Not A Guided Tour

My brain dropped out.

Right out from the bottom. Or was it the top.

It’s gone. Disconnected. But only for a while.

Can’t think. Words swirl around but I can’t grab them.

Second thing to hit my brain this morning was fear.

Buckets of old fear. Revisiting. Damned that shit. I thought it was gone.

Guess not.

I confess my fears, accompanied by tears. Let them all flow and go.

What a fucked up process this is, rewiring my brain.

It’s terrifying to wake up and not feel like me.

To not be able to connect to my own heart.

Sometimes I’m all logical brain with sprinklings of fear and shit thoughts.

And slowly, slowly, my heart and head begin to connect up again

And speak together in new harmonious ways.

Can I eat yet?

My solar plexus area is shifting and changing.

The chakra (energy center) there isn’t fully functional…

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Why Me?

How many times have we had something happen to us, and all we can do is stand there wondering, “Why me?” Why did this awful thing happen to me? And why can’t I move on? Why?

I’ve been inspired to write, by a person who’s been struggling to move through some difficult feelings. They asked why something happened to them.

“Why did this happen to me, a good person? What did I ever do to deserve this? And why does it still hurt?” Those are age-old million dollar questions.

The quickest way I’ve found to move through why bad things happen to us, is to reframe how we see and interpret the entire scenario. To change our perspective or our take on things. Easy to say and not easy to do. I know it’s not easy, because it’s taken a lot of therapy and healing work for me to move past my own childhood experiences. And as far as I’ve come – which is very – I’m still a work in progress.

I know it’s a bit of an adjustment to shift how you see something that happened to you, but in time, and with some help and practice, it can be done. Sometimes it really helps to have a professional work with us to create a shift in perspective.

Instead of thinking about a life event as something that happened TO you, if we think of things in our lives as happening FOR us, right there, it creates a change in how we feel about the event. I have learned that we have painful experiences in life to allow us to grow. As we grow up, we interpret life as happening to us when we are children. That’s just how it rolls out because of our brain wiring, and because children aren’t given many choices in life.

And when we become adults, our brains develop the capacity to see things from more than one perspective. This is the tool we can use to help us deal with life’s hurts.

When I first got into therapy as an adult, I had been so messed up by the psychiatrist my parents had me see when I was 15, that I didn’t even realize how absolutely dysfunctional my family dynamics were when I grew up. My first new perspective was realizing how much a victim of all sorts of shit I really was. My therapist helped me reframe my story.

This helped me understand why I was in so much emotional pain all the time. Understanding that I was a victim was my first step to reclaiming myself. I was able to know that bad things that happened to me were not my fault. This helped me start to let go of decades of shame, and it was a great first step.

Once I had a clear understanding that I had every right to feel the pain I felt, and that it was absolutely valid and justified, it was the first step in feeling like I had some power in life. But after time, holding onto all of that pain got very old and very heavy. Being justified in my pain didn’t help it leave. In time, it began to fester and ooze.

Time to shift perspective again. And this time, it was all about letting go of the hurt.

In order to let go of hurt, we must take ownership and responsibility for our feelings. We must understand that it takes two to tango in every relationship, and we must own our part in our pain.

From there, I moved on to a therapist who helped me understand that my emotions are generated from inside of me. They begin and end with me. Emotions are like waves of energy that spark our biochemistry. They create sensations in our brain and affect things like our heart rate, perspiration, respiration, and more.

We generate feelings in response to other people’s feelings all the time. Our feelings and emotions ping pong back and forth. They say something that we interpret as some form of attack. We go on the defensive and attack back. Wham! Bam! We have all sorts of emotional triggers in us. And becoming aware of our triggers is step one to controlling our emotions.

I actually used hypnosis to find out about and to release my triggers. But just becoming aware of my own emotions helped a lot. Knowing that certain situations or certain words and phrases could set me off, gave me an opportunity to walk away from the situation and to recognized that I was upset and needed time to myself to settle down. And knowing that what is really happening when I’m triggered, is old fear or pain shooting up, helped me to be aware to not spew my fear and pain all over my loved ones.

But how to let go of pain when to my mind, someone else caused it? At this point, I knew that my own brain and body generated the pain I felt, and I had to find a way to let it go. The only way I know how to completely resolve pain is forgiveness. Because we have the capacity for empathy, we can appreciate another person’s pain. Pain and fear are pain and fear. There are variations in the volume and flavor, but every human feels these emotions.

I had to find a way to forgive the people who hurt me, and I had to forgive myself for creating my pain in the first place.

One of the first things I saw during hypnosis sessions, was that my brain created fear when I was little. The heart only knows love. Our heart is the doorway into our authentic and true selves, and when we have an experience that feels contrary to the unconditional love that we are, our brain comes up with stories to justify the uncomfortable, painful feeling. These stories (beliefs) stick with us, and in fact, grow more and more solidly stuck to us every time we have an experience that validates the same painful feeling.

The reason our brain has to justify these painful feelings when we are little is, if it didn’t we very literally wouldn’t be able to survive. Life would be too painful. Let’s face it, life here in the world feels far from the unconditional love that we come from and are made of at our center core.

The brain has to find some way to keep us here, and believing that we actually deserved the pain and discomfort we feel during childhood is a critical step in life. Another wonderful thing our brain does for us is to relegate these painful feelings into our unconscious mind most of the time. They hopefully only rise up from time to time.

These feelings are what become triggered in life. Once I understood that my own brain created fear and sadness, it made it a bit easier to take responsibility for when I became upset, and also to forgive myself when I directed my hurt feelings at someone like my son or husband. I also apologized for my actions. These days I’m much quicker to apologize.

Finally, I learned that people lash out in pain and act like asses when they are hurting. The family members who hurt me when I was young, carried mountains of pain. In one case, the person was so unconscious about their pain that they were and are quite disconnected from their true selves. In some respects, they are like a walking zombie. And in the case of my mother, she was mentally ill, wasn’t medicated until I was about 16 (the damage was long since done), and carried down generations of her own pain.

I grew up in a home where when someone loved you, it hurt. Love equaled pain. Parts of me didn’t even know love until I was almost fifty.

But with a lot of work on myself, I began to be able to allow love to flow through me again. I didn’t automatically reject it. And once my heart felt safe to open up, I was able to understand the pain my family members had suffered, and I found it in my heart to forgive them. The only way I could forgive them, was to let go of my own pain FIRST, so I could open up my heart to them.

Just saying the words, “I forgive you” can create miracles if the other person is able to open their heart to you and accept it. But the act of their opening their heart means they are letting their own pain go. Many people refuse to forgive themselves and allow themselves to let their own pain go. (It can be a martyr thing).

The best thing I ever did to help my heart open was to forgive myself for being human. To fully accept that in every moment in my life, in every action and every decision I’ve ever made, I’ve always done the best I could in that specific moment. Considering my age, emotional development, mental status, driving emotions at the time, and more, I believe every decision I’ve made was done to further my survival. And without that, we don’t have life.

In every moment of life, when we have an experience, it is we who chooses how to interpret the experience. It is we who get to decide whether to assume a perspective of power or victim, of positive or negative. Is it always easy? Absolutely not. But is the work and the process to empowerment and feeling better worth it? Without a doubt!

Fragmented

Lately, it feels like I’m being stripped to the bone, going through this Kundalini awakening, or ascension process, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

I am letting go of such deep and ancient painful crap in my body and energy field that I’m very literally healing this lifetime plus others.

I become triggered. A storm of emotion rises up. A phrase hits my brain.

“I’m broken.”

“We always hurt the ones we love.”

“I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take.”

And more.

These are the phrases that ran through my mind as my brain separated me from my heart when I was a child.

The phrases come up and my heart connects with myself in another time. She’s been stuck there and I help free her so her energy can come back to me in the here and now.

I’ve been having a rollercoaster of a time lately, with old, strongly held beliefs rising up and leaving: hard, fast, and deep. Letting go with tears and sobs.

The integration period afterwards is nightmarish. I don’t recommend it.

For the first time in my life, I think I can relate a little bit to someone who has experienced a brain injury; waking up not feeling like myself, not knowing who I am, losing vocabulary words, having very little mental or physical energy. Except that I know this is a temporary process.

And after time passes, I will feel like me again. I will wake up and recognize the feeling of me in my head. Along with feeling like me, I see the world through different eyes; through less reactive, less judgmental eyes. So, I am permanently changed, but instead of having fewer physical or mental capabilities, I end up having more.

I’ve wanted to post for a long time, but maintaining a stream of thought is too hard right now. So this will be short and sweet.

Today I woke up feeling pretty well. Spent some time on the computer checking e-mail and such, and remembered I had to pay bills. By the time I was done paying bills I had triggered myself and more old pain rose up and left as I cried. By that point I finally got hungry and had to eat something (during this process there are times I can’t eat and times when I get hungry and must eat without too much delay). Soon thereafter, fatigue hit and I had to close my eyes for about forty-five minutes so I’d have energy to meet with a friend. At this point it was not even 10 am yet.

Not even ten in the morning and I was already trashed. Spent. After a quick, not very restorative sleep I met with a dear girlfriend, and we spent four hours having lunch and catching up. After that, I made a quick stop into a nearby shop and by the time I was climbing into my car to drive home, the exhaustion began to hit again.

I stayed up for less than an hour before I gave in and climbed into bed. Sleep was a storm of shit going through my mind that I was so aware of, it felt like I wasn’t even sleeping. A few hours later, I woke up, too hot, too thirsty, and unrested.

My body temperature swings between being too chilly and then too warm; sometimes within a day and sometimes over the course of several days. Massive releases of energy cause me to become cold. And when my body finally allows new energy to flow into me, I can get a bit warm until my body adjusts to my new energy field. Or I climb into bed, chilled and tired, wearing too many clothes, only to wake up too hot. It’s hard to explain.

That’s the hardest part of all of this – it’s hard to explain. I’m a person who makes sense of her world with words. And I’m really struggling to find words lately. And I’m struggling to string them together. Flow begins and dead ends.