As it nears the end of 2020, so much of this past year feels like a blur. If I’m honest, so much of the past three and three-quarters years feels like a blur because of going through massive inner change (Kundalini awakening). Although there’s been a gradual and consistent evolution of my process.
2020 was a year of finally feeling well enough now and then that I began to rail against the continued profound discomfort resulting from the steep ascension process. I’ve had enough of it. I’m done with feeling like dog shit on a daily basis, and not feeling focused and centered in my own body. I’m beyond over not having enough brain cells online to do what I want to and need to do on a daily basis. I know it’s been affecting those closest to me, and I know it’s been hard for them. Nowhere near as challenging as it’s been for me, but that’s how it goes. I get it.
At the beginning of the year I hoped for clarity. Clarity of mind and thought so I could be more productive and felt better in general. And it’s come in very subtle increments. So subtle they’re sometimes barely noticeable; but after months the effects have become cumulative.
The big focus in life at the end of 2019 was setting myself free from the brother who was never a brother to me. The one who bullied and sexually assaulted me. After years of very effective healing work, having reached a place of inner acceptance about the past, all desire for my brother to be something he never was and isn’t capable of becoming, dissolved completely. Although I experienced this new mind and heart set the summer of 2018, I knew the conversation about my need to separate and how it was going to happen, needed to be in person. And it would have to wait until the summer of 2019.
After a face-to-face talk, there were a number of emails back and forth between my brother, his wife, and me. I explained that I’d come so far in my healing journey that I needed complete separation. To be able to choose if and when I connected with my brother, without being forced. To no longer be financially or otherwise entangled with him.
I’d left behind mountains of shame, self-blame, and years of anger and rage. There were no more thoughts of retribution. Just completion of our relationship. Our souls’ desire to play out this two-step reached its end. And I saw what seemed like an easy solution. With a few signatures swapping shares of jointly inherited properties, we’d be free of each other.
It took the rest of the summer and the year in fact, but by the end of 2019, my brother was coming around to the idea of the swap.
In the beginning of 2020 I was met with the stipulation that the paperwork creating separation between me and my brother would only be signed if I signed a release of all liability for anything and everything my brother ever did to me. What??? Does he not realize I could have him thrown in jail at the drop of a hat? And do a few other things that could put his job in jeopardy and would cause him friendships and his reputation? Seriously? After spending the previous five months telling him repeatedly that I wasn’t vengeful but only wanted separation? My freedom?
Prime example of how absolutely stupid and distrustful a person he is. And because I’m well aware of the dynamic between he and his wife: that she controls his every move, pretty much, I realized the release was likely her idea. He wouldn’t have thought of it. Despite my balking at the release, it was sent to me. Bullied and pushed into a corner, instead of cowering and caving in, I had a healing session. At the same time, having a legal document in my hands I needed to find a lawyer to go over it and guide me.
Not sure what sort of lawyer to find or even in which state to look, a dear friend sent me a link to a lawyer who I ended up retaining. Now I know why so many people who are sexually assaulted never face their predator in court. The act of talking with a lawyer brings up so much old baggage which is painful to have to relive (despite all the healing work I’d already done), and it’s also expensive. Thank goodness for healing sessions, which I kept up during the months long process of working with the lawyer.
In the end I got most of what I wanted. Primarily, I got my freedom – the property swap went through – and I didn’t sign the release of liability. Fuck that. He can live the rest of his life in fear for all I care.
It took just over a year, but by the end of last summer not only was I free, but my brother and his wife had shown their true colors and I’m fairly certain they’re done with me. I can live with it. If someone blocks me out of their life because I finally became strong enough to stand up for myself, they can be gone. If someone isn’t able to have empathy for what I went through for years and for the hard work I’ve done to get to where I am, and isn’t able to stand up for me, they don’t deserve to be in my life.
That said, part of the process I didn’t anticipate was grief which came up. As much as I was over the relationship with my brother, his wife spun the story of the relationship in such a way that my brother came off as some sort of a victim who just needed some therapy to sort things out. She circled the wagons of her own family and created a narrative different from my truth and shared it with her parents and their adult children. My desire to become disentangled from the person who repeatedly violated me has cost me part of my family. Unfortunately, that’s usually how it goes.
As a person who grew up with dysfunctional family dynamics heals and takes back their power and self-esteem, they change. The rest of the family usually doesn’t. And as the healed individual declares new boundaries, they generally aren’t well received.
By this past fall, with separation complete, healing sessions brought up and healed grief, moving me further along my ascension path. Letting go of relationships that no longer serve a person well isn’t easy in the best of circumstances, but in the case of family it’s very complicated because of all of the threads of the various relationships and how they all interrelate. Pull one thread and it affects not one but several people, and how they react may be very unexpected.
Just about the time things wrapped up with my brother, my hypnotherapist’s life took an unexpected turn and sadly she was no longer available to work with me. I know of no spiritual hypnotherapists in my area, so instead I’ve been working with a talented local intuitive/healer who is someone I met several years ago. We’ve been using intuitively guided meditation to facilitate inner healing and have created some deep inner shifts.
This brings me to the end of the year, but still far from the end of my Kundalini Awakening. Inner healing energy is evolving, and what came up most recently at the end of a session is Dragon energy. An energy of firey power that burns in my belly. It’s still quite new so I’m learning about it.
Looking toward 2021, I’ll be continuing my walk through inner change, hoping to reach some sort of end point to where I have the energy to participate more fully in life again. There are projects in my home that were dropped mid-point or weren’t even started, that I haven’t been able to attend to since early 2017. And as a mother to a son who will be at a transition point in his life this year, I’d really like to have more brain cells onboard to help guide him with a clear mind and confident heart.
As a country and planet we’re still dealing with a pandemic and all of the ripples of effects from it. We’re being given several opportunities to make choices. The choice to become afraid of the coronavirus and live in fear, or do what we need to feel safe and keep walking through our daily life. The choice to receive a vaccine when we’re able, rail against big pharma and the vaccination machine, or know our bodies and listen to our intuition. Because we don’t have the know-how to individualize a vaccination to a specific person yet, they sometimes cause unanticipated reactions and injury. We as individuals get to choose.
My wish for 2021 is for peace. More peace in our hearts, which will in turn bring more peace to the world.