The past few years have seen tremendous upset and change for many. And in my own life this has been mirrored in the form of Kundalini energy opening from within. It spontaneously opened in February of 2017, and has stayed wide open.
Because my awakening didn’t happen by following spiritual and yoga practices, working with a spiritual practitioner or yogi, as is the route for many people, when I’ve tried to control the process or to describe it in the English language, it’s been a challenge. It’s a process that has a bit of a mind of its own, and my culture doesn’t recognize things like a Kundalini Awakening, so most of the information out there is from a foreign culture, in a foreign language. And because I’m not well versed in the Christian Bible stories, the only thing I can equate my experience with in terms of religion, is a living crucifixion and resurrection. It’s been like a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly, without the insulation of a cocoon.
Parts of my inner self, my human, fear-based self, are dying off. Being healed. Dissolved.
What is Kundalini? Looking it up online, Wikipedia describes it as a coiled power. Many traditions have taken this and applied it to the image of a coiled up snake, sitting dormant at the base of our spine. And when Kundalini energy wakes, it rises up our spine, through the different chakras, achieving different levels of awakening, until it reaches the top of the head, or the crown chakra, where it produces an extremely profound transformation of consciousness. At least, this is how it goes for many. Follow these meditations, do these yoga poses, follow these teachings, work on yourself for decades, open your Kundalini energy, and one day you’ll experience enlightenment.
For me it didn’t go down this way. In fact, I’ve come to realize that enlightenment isn’t an end point, it’s a process of shifting, changing, and opening awareness. Sometimes the process of change is subtle, so gradual it’s barely noticeable, and sometimes it’s so profound it puts you on your knees. I seem to be experiencing much of the latter.
My only regular “spiritual” practice for the past eight years, has been healing my shit. That’s pretty much it, with very few exceptions. And for me, the most profound healing method has been working in the state of hypnosis, working with a soul directed hypnotherapist. It’s a way of creating healing that’s always in resonance with my higher self, or my spirit.
Session by session, looking into emotional triggers and physical dysfunction, finding the energetic blocks and setting them free. And this has changed the way I perceive and experience life, healing and transforming myself from the inside out.
As much as Wikipedia, and other sources, describe a Kundalini Awakening as a process of gradual awakening until ultimately reaching a state of profound transformation of consciousness, it was when I experienced a profound transformation of consciousness quite unexpectedly during a healing session, that Kundalini energy flew open. Burning strong and hot, I’ve been awakening on a fast track, ever since. Expanding my awareness over and over, wider and deeper.
My inner world has been turned upside down and inside out. And it’s been the most physically and mentally demanding experience I’ve ever gone through in my life.
Before Kundalini was active full-time, I had experienced warmth emanating from within my body a few times, and sometimes without explanation. Once it was my lower leg, humming with warmth off and on for weeks for no particular reason. Another time, looking at an Andara crystal made my back, behind my heart, become quite warm. I didn’t know what it was, and thought of it as something energetic going on in my body.
From there, I felt the classic vibrating, humming sensation of Kundalini energy during active meditations a few different times (as a side effect). It rose up my back during the meditation, and fell back down when I was done.
When Kundalini energy first flew open two years ago, the vibration was so intense at times that once I woke up from a dead sleep thinking we were having an earthquake. It took me a few moments to realize it was the energy in my body. It loves to become active when I’m sleeping or tired.
One of the major things Kundalini energy has done is make me extremely sensitive. Even more so than I was before (and I’ve always been a sensitive person). It sometimes feels like I’m walking around with no energetic boundaries, open to everyone and everything. Not comfortable. New boundaries are gradually developing.
Especially during the first year of activity, I was so energetically naked that by simply connecting (having a conversation or reading an email) with someone I’m close to (family/ close friend), if they were upset, it would trigger an intensely deep healing in me quite spontaneously. I’d connect on a level of mass consciousness and become changed.
I suddenly saw and understood more. I became more aware, awake.
In one very uncomfortable situation, I picked up vibrations, and suddenly became aware of and healed “we always hurt the ones we love.” It was miserable as vibes of pain ping-ponged back and forth between my husband and myself, suddenly creating a massive shift deep inside me (accompanied by a barrage of sobbing tears and apologies). The phrase hit my brain as the energy shifted, along with a download of the knowledge of why we do this.
There were many other situations of picking up on other’s people’s unconscious beliefs as they were in the throes of emotional activation, creating shifts deep in my heart. Wham! I’d suddenly experience a massive release in the form of an intense cry, and I’d be changed. Over the next several days, the way I saw and experienced the world would change in response to the energetic shift. I had a new awareness, a broader perspective of life, and compassion to go along with it.
When a person activates Kundalini energy gradually, and awakens over years or decades, physically and mentally integrating shifts and changes happens very differently from what’s been happening with me.
For many people, they consciously practice a thought pattern, and do breath work and body poses to facilitate a change to their unconscious mind. This is repeated daily, or a few times a day, for months or years, with the goal of changing inner dialog. My entire practice has been to directly access my unconscious world and my higher wisdom, allowing me to create inner change in a moment of epiphany. Often times being guided. The change affects my entire consciousness: the energetic template that creates and structures my physical body and my mind. And when my energetic template changes, the effects filter down to my physical body and mind.
With Kundalini energy creating such intense and deep shifts to my energetic template, the physical and mental changes have been intense and deep. And what the books don’t mention is the extreme discomfort that happens when our DNA is suddenly and dramatically expressing itself differently.
The world of spirit and energy knows no time. It’s all here and now. The energy field that breathes my body and tells it how to function can be changed in the blink of an eye. But in our human experience, our bodies do things like go through cell division and millions of biochemical processes a day. The physical side effects of my body catching up to its new energetic template include things like all sorts of temporary body aches and even feeling fluish. I’ve had many days when my teeth ached and I tasted metal in my mouth (adrenaline), and days when I could barely wear a bra because of the discomfort around my ribcage. Some of the weird ones were when it felt like I didn’t fit in my body quite right. My upper back would feel wonky for a day or two until with a big stretch and crack, things finally shifted into their new place.
The mental side effects have been even more trying than the physical ones, as neural connections in my head suddenly dissolved, sparking off chemical cascades that would bring up fear and paranoia. Because I knew these thoughts were lies, I’d watch them go through my head over and over, without the impulse to have to act on them. I’d temporarily lose vocabulary words and the ability to focus my thoughts. And when I couldn’t focus my thoughts, I couldn’t remember things. My head was a sieve. And doing things like reading and writing were out. For a person who has always loved to dive into books and to write every day, it’s been a whole lot of not fun at all.
As old thought patterns and pathways were dissolving and new ones were being created, there were days when my head was disconnected from my heart. Conversations were tough because I’d hear literal words coming out of people’s mouths and couldn’t catch the meaning between or behind the words. I couldn’t connect with people’s emotions. I called them my literal days, because I’d have to constantly ask for clarification.
There were months and months of what felt like inner dissonance or push-back. A constant, and often subtle feeling deep inside of discomfort that I couldn’t label or change. I was very non-reactive to things that would usually upset most people, which was nice. But this chronic inner angst was absolutely miserable. There were a few days when I woke up and every single thought I had was followed by a strong inner “No!” Like a child throwing a tantrum that I couldn’t stop. Time to crawl out of bed. “No!” I’ve got to use the bathroom. “No!” I should get dressed. “No!” I’m going to walk down the hallway. “No!” I want to eat. “No!” It took everything I had to make it through those days.
The worst were the months when I struggled to feel like me. I couldn’t connect to the essence that is the me I know and have always known my entire life. That was torture. There were many tears shed in private. Into my pillow. In my car.
Take the physical and mental side effects and wrap them up in a big bow of exhaustion, and that’s been a big part of these past two years. Sleep has often been exhausting. Instead of recharging and restoring vital energy, my system has either been dealing with the last energetic shift or creating new ones. I wake up tired, discombobulated, and often struggle to focus my thoughts, with a fuzzy brain. And this isn’t something caffeine can touch. One day, just to see if I could feel more with-it, I downed a twelve ounce Red Bull and about an hour later, a Five Hour Energy drink, and felt nothing. No change. No more energy, clarity or focus. A bright, sunny day that has always lifted my spirits, has had no effect. It’s a matter of integrating my energy body and physical body. Day after day, I struggle to have any energy to do what’s absolutely critical.
Because food has always been my frenemy, being so tired, I’ve been munching at times when I’m not hungry, thinking it will give me energy. With my system being so hypersensitive, there were several weeks when I was unknowingly intuiting family members’ food cravings, obsessively eating and eating things I normally turn down quite easily. Also, some days I’m not hungry, but if I go for too long without eating, I crash hard and have to lie down. My body doesn’t give me a choice. Having a very wonky relationship with my body’s physical hunger signals, emotional food cravings, and physical energy, has been a rollercoaster of hell in and of itself that has packed on many pounds.
Thankfully, I know this is a process, and at some point, the pounds will wither away. These days I have great appreciation and compassion for my body, no matter its size or state. As long as I’m here in the land of the living, it’s doing me a solid.
Besides the physical and emotional challenges, this Kundalini Awakening has dramatically changed the way I see the world.
As bits and pieces of what was living unconsciously in dissonance with my soul’s essence of love have risen up to be known and shifted, released and dissolved, I’m changing from the inside out. While for the past two years the world has been up in arms about this or that, I’ve mostly been an observer, watching without the kick in the gut or rage pushing me to roar.
Today I notice this and notice that, without judgment. Able to see things from several angles at the same time. Do I get upset about things? Sure, but not nearly as many as before. Not even close.
As my system becomes somewhat integrated and grounded, and the shifts are more infrequent, or at least less intense, I feel like the worst is behind me. Getting back to doing healing work recently is helping. Some of it has been really out of this world.
Waking up feeling horrible almost every day for about 22 months has been grueling, but things are evolving. It’s getting a little better. Lately, I don’t wake up and automatically dread still being alive. Instead of feeling like an eight-cylinder car whose engine is frozen solid or is running on half a cylinder, I’m probably up to three and sometimes four cylinders on most days.
Something I never expected was healing attachment. I’ve never tried to heal attachment, and it caught me by surprise. Attachment to certain relationships and attachment to things/objects have been dissolved and are being dissolved. The aching need or want is gone, leaving me the freedom to choose if I want to continue a relationship, and to what extent.
It feels like all the pain from my complicated relationship with my mother is gone. Or if there is any, I haven’t found it in well over a year. (It helps that she’s no longer alive). And I’ve released a significant amount of attachment around my relationship with the brother who molested me. I no longer have any desire to have a relationship with him at all. Period. I no longer want what I never had. No more anger. No regrets. No fear or sadness. Just mission complete.
That said, find me when I’m having a bad day and I’m feeling fragmented, ungrounded, and raw, and some pain will likely find its way up and out. After all, I’m human.
What’s all this healing doing for me? Quite simply, it’s changing my life. Changing me from the inside out.
About a decade ago, I had a profound experience during a hypnosis session of having an angel heal me of all shame. It was mind-blowing and changed me forever. To this day I still feel no shame.
And during the very beginnings of this Kundalini Awakening, I experienced significant healing of self-judgment. If you’re not familiar, our feelings emanate outwards from within, so if you want to stop judging people, you must heal self-judgment first. These days, I seldom feel critical about myself or another. Instead, it’s been replaced with preference and noticing. I’m still getting used to it.
This incredible and very intense process of Kundalini awakening, has been changing me for the better.
Core spiritual truths of unity, acceptance, compassion, and love are fast replacing my human created beliefs of brokenness, judgment and imperfection. Today, I walk the world knowing I’m doing the best I can in each moment. I am able to appreciate, value, and love this human body, this vehicle that’s helping me create my life and has carried me through my life thus far. I’m able to see that my very human world is perfect, even when it hurts. And when I see another person, I feel our human connection, while valuing their uniqueness. I see each and everyone as vital threads of the giant tapestry of life.
There are no accidents, because life is purposeful, and so is death. I feel more freedom because attachment to so many things and to some relationships, is dissolving. I know I always have a choice in life, and the first choice we make is to experience this thing called life in the physical. We also choose to experience some challenges along the way, for the purpose of soul growth.
As much as there are times when I’ve felt lonely, I know I’m not alone. With every step I walk on the path of life, I’m accompanied by family and friends, acquaintances, and strangers. And my team in spirit, including Life Source Energy (God), a host of angels, guides, my ancestors, and assorted other beings, is always around, even when I forget.
Life is no longer so black and white, but black, white, and every shade of gray in between.
The past few years have been a crazy, amazing, out of this world ride, and as difficult as it’s been, I’m forever grateful for it. And am even more grateful as life begins to feel a little bit more comfortable again.