Food As Substitute Love

Over the past few weeks, I noticed succumbing to food cravings that seemed unusually strong. I’ve been craving sweets and salty, crunchy potato chips and dip like crazy. Feeling a bit out of control. Because my mental state for the past few years hasn’t been normal and balanced at all, food intake has been higher than it will be when I feel like myself again. But after a recent doctor’s visit, when I found out I’d lost a bit of weight, something inside me woke up, became panicky and activated emotional eating.

As much as I’ve addressed and healed food cravings before because I’ve changed so much, new facets of my consciousness that were ready to be addressed and shifted decided to come up in the form of food cravings. Seems to be my thing.

So, I recently had a hypnosis session to help me dive into my unconscious mind and make changes, setting food cravings free.

As the session unfolded, we requested that the part of me who felt the need to eat when I wasn’t hungry come forward. I immediately felt fear and my heart began to beat faster. When I focused on the fear, I could tell it came from a part of me who was young. She talked about being terrified to do things in life that she didn’t want to do. Everything she had to do and didn’t want to do. I sensed her calling out for her mother and her mother didn’t come. Didn’t help her. Abandoned her. Here’s some of the exchange between me (S) and my hypnotherapist (C).

As I was able to focus I heard a young voice call out for her mother saying “Mommy, Mommy, I can’t do this. I need your help.”

C: What does she need her help with?

S: Everything. She said, “You’re not there for me.” Then anger. “How fucking dare you not be there for me after you promised to be there for me!” [I sensed she was referring to pre-birth planning of the soul who agreed to be my mother. I expected her to be there for me and she wasn’t at times, especially when she was depressed.] “You lied!” “You promised you’d be here for me…” getting emotional.

C: She was betrayed. She was betrayed by her mother? Yeah.

S: She’s getting really angry saying “Damned you! Damned you!”

C: Do you know how old she is?

S: It feels like a range of ages… really little and up to 12 or 13 at the same time. She said, “I can’t do this on my own!”

C: Is that one of the reasons food became important?

S: I just heard, “Fuck yah.” [Got very emotional…] “Food was my mother when you weren’t.” [Big release of tears.] “It took care of me and made me feel better. You weren’t there for me. All you did was make it worse. All you did was make things hurt more. And food made it better.” She’s swearing. “Screw you!” She just keeps saying things like “You lied to me. You were supposed to be here to protect me… from all the monsters… from all the scary monsters… and you ended up being one of them.”

C: The You that’s being talked about is Mother.

S: Yes.

C: Sounds like a betrayal, an abandonment.

S: Definitely betrayed.

After this connection and emotional release, we let the young part of me be angry. We let her rant and tantrum for a while. It felt like she needed to just vent.

C: Can we provide support to this part to feel that she’s protected and safe? Is there anyone or being we can invite in to soothe or protect this little girl?

S: She’s saying, “It’s too fucking late. You left me.” Now she’s speaking to me, the adult. “You just ditched me and left me behind.” She’s calling me a traitor and getting mad at me. “How dare you just ditch me and leave me here!”

C: Would you like to respond to her as that adult?

S: I will in a minute. It feels like she needs to let her anger out. I see her jumping on my back, hitting and kicking, throwing a tantrum. I’m letting her know she can tantrum as much as she needs… and I… [emotional release!!!] I never left her. Deep sobbing… even when she thought I did. I’ve always been right here waiting for her… And she’s just kind of confused. “What do you mean you’ve always been there? You left.”

S: I’m letting her know not really. She thought I did, but I didn’t. I only left her awareness. Deep, deep sobbing release with another epiphany. She just realized I’m still here, and she ran and jumped into my arms. She just accepted me and my love for her again. And she’s so happy again!!

S: “OMG! I see you’re here for me and never left!” The young one sees she was only blocked off for a little while. I’m holding her to my chest like you hold a little child. “I’m home now!!” She’s home again, right in my heart.

With the shift in perspective and deep emotional release, that part of my awareness was reconnected. My inner child was no longer blocked from the whole of me. We were reconnected heart to heart. And with the reconnection came downloads of information, of wisdom.

The inner child spoke. “Wow! I don’t need that crap (food) anymore!”

It was substitute love. It wasn’t the real deal. It was a place holder. A temporary thing until she (inner child) could come back to me. When anybody has something like an addiction or they’re using something as a substitute for love, it’s a place holder. It holds the space of pain of disconnection until they can come back home. [Big sobs.] And I’m back home now!! [Sobs.]

Turning my attention to my heart, I saw a short tunnel lined with gold. And then the gold turned into diamonds. A diamond-encrusted tunnel representing the energetic vibration of my heart rising to pure love. I saw light shine on the diamonds, refracting all the colors of the rainbow. Pretty soon the little bit of tunnel passed through my body, allowing me to see my heart chakra completely cleared of the recent blockage.

As a final message, I heard conga music come in. This has happened at the end of several healing sessions, but it’s been a long while. Once, a few years ago, I asked why conga music? Why at the end of my sessions, as the vibration/mood lifted to a party atmosphere, was the music always conga? In an instant, I was shown the line of people dancing and my attention was drawn to their all being in a line. In alignment! It represented things within me being back in alignment. Of course!

I refocused on my inner child, now happy and partying, and asked if there was anything else. With her assurance that she was all good and we could be finished, the session was concluded.

Since the session I’ve watched as parts of my body released old energy, becoming temporarily sore, and needing some extra sleep as I integrate. I’m also sensing a new calmness and lightness inside as this part of my inner child is now peaceful and content. And feeling a little bit better in general, moving me forward in my Kundalini awakening process.

What I love about healing my emotional baggage is not only letting it go forever but the wisdom that comes forth from each session. In this case knowing that food cravings, and in fact, all cravings and unhealed wants, are merely place holders for love, Source energy, that’s being temporarily blocked from our hearts. Blocked by parts of our unconscious selves who can become reunited through healing work.

 

Healing a Lifelong Challenge: Massive Soul Retrieval

There’s something about the energies of the times. Lots of things are stirred up for many people, and lots of healing is happening. Most people don’t realized that in order for change to happen, the status quo has to go away. And for this to happen, life can look and feel very uncomfortable in the process. Systems and age-old ways of doing things are breaking down and crumbling. In order to bake a cake, you have to break a few eggs.

In my own life, I go digging with a select few trusted people that I work with in the realm of energy healing. I look at something that’s not serving me well, something that’s bugging me either physically or emotionally, and I dive down underneath the conscious feelings to see why the discord and disharmony.

My last few posts have been a series of healing sessions because I’ve been on a roll lately. There’s been an overarching theme of indigestion in my life, and I’ve been seeking for answers as to why.

I worked with my hypnotherapist on why I seemed to be having trouble digesting or processing life over the past several months, because of physical digestion woes. And most recently, I wanted to see why I seemed to have an issue with digesting food over the past several months specifically, and why I’ve been becoming allergic to more and more foods over the past several years. And I also wanted to know why food has been such a big issue my entire life. Why was it the object of my addiction for most of my life, and why, when I was becoming free from its addictive grasp, was I becoming allergic to it and becoming unable to digest more and more of it? Why all the issues and problems with food?

I settled into my hypnotherapist’s comfy chair and let her take me through the relaxation phase. After a while, she had me picture a white light shining down on me from above. It was intelligent and healing, and I let it shine on me and through me. It felt great. I always think of God when I think of this light. When she asked me what I was feeling from the light, it felt like love, completely compassionate and very strong love.

Sometimes when I pass the light over my body, an area is highlighted, or a feeling of discomfort comes up. This time, I felt very relaxed and comfortable. Because we were investigating my ability to digest food, she had me direct the loving light into my mouth, followed by sending it down my throat, into my stomach and intestines, and all the way through my entire digestive tract. Finally, she asked me what I was feeling. (I thought she’d never ask).

The moment the love entered my mouth, I felt a lot of resistance. I could hear a young voice saying, “No! I can’t take it. I can’t stand love. I’m not deserving or worthy of it.” That was surprising. Who was this voice? I knew it was me, but what was going on? I focused on this voice, and I must have been about three years old. I was being spanked. I was told it was for my own good. I was told that I was being punished out of love. That made absolutely no sense to me. Why would love hurt?

Even at such a young age, I knew that love wasn’t supposed to hurt, and yet I was told that painful things were happening to me out of love. If that’s what love was, I didn’t want any part of it. That little girl wanted no part of the love I had been trying to send her. No wonder why. I explained to her that her mother was mentally ill, plus she had learned some pretty old-fashioned ways about showing love, and didn’t know that what she was doing was wrong. With some explaining, the little one slowly began to trust me and let go of her fear.

Once again, we let love flow into my mouth. Very gingerly, the little girl dipped her toe in, accepting it little by little. When she realized how good it tasted, and how wonderfully warm it felt, she let go of the last of her resistance.

With that little one happy, the love flowed from my mouth down into my throat. The minute it hit my throat, I heard a voice that said, “It burns!” In my mind, I asked, “What burns?” The voice answered back, “Truth.” Then the voice elaborated. “Every time I speak my truth, I get burned; I get hurt. My mom hurts me.” In my mind, I asked the voice to elaborate. To tell me more.

It was another young voice from my past. It told me that it was afraid because every time she spoke her truth, she was verbally abused. But then what she was saying changed just a bit. She said that in order to not get hurt so much, and in order to lessen her pain, she created a lot of beliefs about herself – beliefs of being defective and less than – that were lies. Every time she spoke and those lies living in her became activated, they ate her up from the inside out. They were burning her up from the inside out. They were burning her up.

All of a sudden, I saw massive flames burning, emotions hit me like a tidal wave, and tears flowed relentlessly. The knowledge hit me that this little one had created lies about herself that cut herself off from her own Source Energy. She effectively cut herself off from her Divine self. In this realization, the separation immediately ended. This was a massive soul retrieval! Thousands of tiny points of light, like a cloud of fireflies, swarmed back to her/me. They were all of the soul fragments that were waiting to come home to my soul. They were from this lifetime and every other lifetime I’ve ever lived. And I knew they weren’t just for me, it was a soul retrieval for the entire planet.

As we grow up, we create beliefs using our rational mind to explain any time something happens to us that doesn’t feel good or feel right. These beliefs revolve around our being and they have all sorts of tones of “less-than”. Every time one of these beliefs is created, it separates us from our core essence, which is Divine Love and perfection. The further the separation from our Divine selves, the more emotionally and physically uncomfortable our lives become. For me, it’s been through discovering these subconscious beliefs and healing them, that I am being reunited with my core essence, my true self, the Divine being that I am at a soul level.

While I was swimming in the emotions of soul reunion, I asked, “Why food? What does food have to do with all of this?” The answer was so direct and so simple, that it almost seemed too easy. “Food was just a metaphor.”

The knowledge of that simple phrase echoed in my mind. Food was just a metaphor. That’s all it was. It was never more than something my soul chose to use in my life as a way to cope with soul separation. A thing to keep me spinning and searching.

That’s it. All of my struggles and issues with food; all of the emotional addiction issues and physical issues with food have all been clues for me to follow to bring back pieces of my soul to me. It has all been a gigantic puzzle that I finally solved. I got the message in my head that I’m done with this. Food is just food and I won’t need to have any more problems with it. It holds no special power over me.

Holy fucking shit!!!!!

After that massive energy shift, my hypnotherapist had me bring the energy of love into my mouth again. I knew that I could once again taste love. I didn’t have to try to get love through food. I can taste it from Divine Source, where it’s supposed to come from. As I sent the love down my throat, I knew that I could once again swallow life just fine. No more burning throat. And when love reached my stomach, I knew that I could digest life easily. As love passed through my intestines, my colon, rectum, and out, I knew that I could process life and allow things to pass through again.

All of the issues that I’ve ever had with heartburn, acid reflux, indigestion, constipation, diarrhea, stomach aches, and gut aches were all clues left for me so I could eventually figure them out and reconnect to my soul.

As I had love flow through my entire digestive system, the love was beautifully accepted and enjoyed. But when I got to the very end of the system, there was one voice that still wanted to be heard. There is one more piece of me that isn’t ok yet, and because she now trusts me, she’s ok to wait until my next session to be heard. I know who she is, and I’m pretty sure I know why she still needs to be heard. And we’ll work it out soon.

What’s going to take a little time to sink in, is that I figured this food puzzle out. It’s like my soul set up an experience that began with my soul being fractured over and over when I was young, but I was left clues, in the way of food issues such as addiction and allergies and digestive woes. And by following the clues, following my curiosity, discovering energy healing, and putting piece after piece in place, I finally found the last piece that sprung the entire trap, solving the puzzle.

A big confirmation of this is with me today, the day after that session, because I feel a deep emptiness inside of me. All of the energy that’s been wrapped up with this whole thing is now gone from me. It’s all transmuted. I feel like an empty vessel, waiting for what’s next. I know whatever that is will come along. It’s just so weird feeling adrift, bored, aimless, and empty right now. And the last thing I feel like doing is eating something.

Even though I never dealt with alcoholism or drug addiction, I am confident that addiction in all of its forms is a soul set up to reclaim ourselves. It’s the soul’s way of expressing what happens when it becomes fractured and separated from self. I see no difference between craving food, craving a drink, craving a pill, craving a shopping or sex high, or any other type of craving. They are all messages from our souls that are screaming out to be reconnected. I did have times of using alcohol and other things as coping mechanisms, but they never had the choke hold on me that food had.

My adventure of reconnection is far from over, but it feels quite surreal that such a huge puzzle is solved and completed. It will be interesting to see how quickly my body responds to this massive energetic shift, and to see if and when it allows me to eat foods that I’ve had trouble processing for the past several years.  Time will tell.