Earth Angels

Still working my way through Kundalini awakening, my hypnotherapist recently guided me into my inner world to have a conversation with my body. But before going into hypnotherapy, I had a psychic reading a few weeks ago that let me know that when I was young and experienced sexual abuse, I blocked a large part of myself off. The psychic said it related to sensual energy, and it was likely impacting my ability to run Kundalini energy. She believed this block explained my feeling out of sorts and tired, so I wanted to investigate and heal whatever came up. And I was curious to know if it affected food cravings that have been an issue for the past few years.

During that same psychic reading, I discovered that my prebirth plan for this life wasn’t the first plan. There was an earlier plan that would have had me born first of my siblings, but after my mother lost her first pregnancy, the soul who is now my older brother switched things up and was born first. The way she put it, he bullied his way in first. Had my prior plan borne out, I wouldn’t have gone through sexual abuse. Hearing this was a bit tough, but I know my soul agreed to the revised plan for some reason or it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know just how much of my life I could foresee before being born second, but it changed a lot about my life.

Knowing this information, I decided to keep things simple and, using hypnosis, asked my body how we could help it feel better.

Immediately I heard the voice of someone who was very upset. Asking what was wrong, she had all sorts of large, hard, plaque-like things stuck all over her body she couldn’t remove and wanted help. She said the stuff was messing her up. They were messing up her ability to connect with herself. I heard her say, “They’re messing me up. Me. ME.” Then I saw two huge letters, “M” “E” – emphasis on Me.

Following that thread, my hypnotherapist asked me to connect with that part of myself called ‘Me’. When I did, I immediately knew she was five, felt lost, and was cartwheeling in outer space. Her tether had broken and she wanted help. Letting the five-year-old Me speak more, she said, “I’m gone. I’m gone. I thought I could do this but I can’t. I’m outta here. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.” She was talking about life. Something happened that was too much.

Then my attention was drawn to the center of my chest, to my heart, where I saw a big open hole. But it wasn’t just a hole, it looked like one end of something like a funnel-shaped wormhole that went through my body and connected to the world of spirit. It felt like a tunnel we traverse between worlds, and it looked dark and uninviting.

When asked if Me was afraid of the wormhole, I heard her say, “I’m dead. I’m gone.” I suddenly knew she was trying to get back through the wormhole to the other side (spirit), but she can’t. “I’m trying to get back out the way I came in, but I can’t, so I’m dead – that’s it.” And her version of that is cartwheeling in outer space with no tether back to here.

My hypnotherapist asked if we could offer her some sort of tether and Me wasn’t so sure she wanted to come back. Validating her feelings and allowing Me to just be, her resistance to coming back began to melt. Allowing her to speak, Me said I owed her a big apology. We encouraged her to say more. She said I owed her a really big apology because shit didn’t roll out the way it was supposed to.

Becoming a bit emotional I apologized to the five-year-old Me, telling her I didn’t know how life was going to roll out. I kept telling her I was sorry and that I loved her. As I kept apologizing, she got closer and closer, beginning to trust me. I repeated I didn’t know, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know everything that was going to happen. I told her I’m not God. I don’t know every single thing that’s going to happen (in life).

Little Me just looked at me and said, “What do you mean? What do you mean you’re not God? You ARE God! You ARE love! You forgot it!!

As an inner bolt of lightning struck, a dam of emotion burst within me, and an epiphany came forth. She’s here to teach me, to remind me.

“You forgot you’re love!! You forgot there’s that part of you that’s connected to God ALL THE TIME!!!” And she’s stressing ALL… THE… TIME!!! “You forgot that part of you when you were hurt so, so deeply!! That part of you shattered SO BADLY! It shattered. It completely shattered. I just see pieces of glass EVERYWHERE. That part of you completely forgot who you were because you lost faith when your plan was smashed to bits by that asshole. You had an agreement (pre-birth) and he (my older brother) completely disregarded it. He did what he always does, and it was too much. Because you knew what was coming down the pike. You saw his actions would have all kinds of repercussions he couldn’t see, wouldn’t see. You knew all that shit was coming and you were like, Fuck no! I’m not doing it!”

Continuing on, she said, “But what you didn’t see, what you didn’t know was how much help you’d have. You were so cut off from everything and everybody, and everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. You didn’t know about all your Earth Angels!! You didn’t know your Aunt was looking after you. You didn’t know your classmate would go to the other side and become a guardian for you. And there are other Earth Angels you don’t know about who are looking out for you. Who protected you, and kept secrets about the past until it was time for you to share them.” She’s saying “You have only the slightest idea of all the Earth Angels that have been helping you throughout your life. There are SO many. SO many.

This is about knowing you’re protected on Earth.

As I looked back at this little part of me, she’s growing up, no longer a little girl. She’s looking at me, like, ‘Phew! Thank God! You finally got it! Thank you!’ (laughing)

I have been protected on Earth throughout this whole journey, even when I didn’t know it – couldn’t see it, and will be protected for the rest of my life. We’re all protected during our lives, but most people don’t know it.

When my hypnotherapist asked how all this related to my issues with food and eating, wisdom flowed from my Higher Self.

This all relates to the ‘pleasures of life’. Food is one. There are many. Yes. This does relate to physical pleasures in life. Absolutely.

Thinking about how this aspect of me who came forth was five, and knowing something devastating happened to me when I was five, I was allowed to see a bit of what it was. I was told it’s ok for me to know this now. I can handle it. I saw enough to know it was the first physical violation that shut me down. And it absolutely relates to the physical pleasures of life. I get the sense that food was a salve because I saw a scene of my little five-year-old eating cookies trying to feel better, trying to push the icky feeling out of her mind. Food helped her blunt the pain and trauma. She knew what happened wasn’t right and wasn’t ok because I keep hearing her repeat, “the icky feeling in my body, the icky feeling in my body.” And when she would eat or even when she’d just go play she could forget about it. And after a while, she kinda forgot about it. Yup. That definitely shut her down, big time.

With the trauma released, it was safe to have this memory back.

Moving forward, my hypnotherapist mentioned one of the intentions for the session was to offer this part of me who still reaches for food some sort of healing or support, and asked how we could do this.

Immediately, I saw this now more grown-up aspect standing and saying, “You heard me. You were the first person who actually listened and paid attention, and HEARD me.”

It sounded like she tried to tell someone and they blew her off. “Nobody would listen to me.” I saw her standing there and actually looking really good. She said, “I just needed to be heard. And acknowledged. And seen. And you have done that. And thank you so much.”

Then, a big energy beam emanating from her heart connected back to my heart (as I got very emotional). She looked at me and said, “Yup! Reconnection!” With very playful energy, I saw her jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline, and she jumped up and dove back into my heart saying, “I’m home now baby! I’m home!” And then I heard “I’m back! I’m back! I’m back in the saddle again” sung by Aerosmith.

Moving forward some more, my hypnotherapist asked how all this relates to my Kundalini energy and my feeling tired and out of sorts. Right off the bat, I heard “We’re working on it and making really big progress. And this was huge.” I could see that my Kundalini energy is flowing, but there are some energy blocks that have put a sort of stranglehold on it, choking it a bit here and there. And with every healing it’s allowed to flow and expand a bit more.

When it came to getting answers about my not feeling like myself and being so tired, spirit got cagey and wouldn’t give me any further info other than to remind me that my soul loves surprises and to keep doing what I’ve been doing (healing sessions). I was told that I was getting closer and closer to the finish line and when I got there it would be well worth all the shit I’ve been going through to get there. And all the pain and difficulty would fade away like a bad dream. They told me I’m doing a great job and they’re so proud of me, and to just keep going.

The session wrapped up with the reminder that although I’ve gotten good at remembering I’ve got a team in spirit helping me in life (as I received a massive hug from them), today’s message was all about remembering I’ve got help in people around me. There’s been a big focus on not being understood by those around me, but I’m being reminded it’s ok. They don’t have to understand to want to support me and love me.

Since the session, I felt better and more present than I’ve felt in a very long time for about three days. It was heavenly! Not 100% back to myself, but so much more. However, more recently things have taken a step… not really back… but perhaps sideways? There’s still some more healing to be done, but this was a doozy. It was huge. And now I know I’ve got a giant posse of Earth Angels helping me through life.

Know that when you go through trials in life you’re never alone.

It’s Complicated

Sometimes in the evening I’ll scroll through Facebook or YouTube and go down a rabbit hole of watching videos. The way they have several videos cued up after one in a post on Facebook, or suggested videos on YouTube makes it easy to keep watching. Recently, I watched videos of family reunions: people who discovered family they didn’t know about or people who’ve been searching and finally found family members they were separated from either at birth or when they were very young.

It got me thinking about my own daughter. About all of the what if’s. What would happen if she wanted to meet me? If we were reunited how would I break it to her how she was conceived? How would she take it?

When I found out I was pregnant the situation I found myself in was my worst nightmare. I was being molested, raped regularly by my older brother and as much as I’d tried to stop it, I couldn’t. He wouldn’t stop. And if I told, the wrath of hell would rain down on me.

When it was found out, the rath of hell rained down. A wall of shame clamped down on me as my enraged father swore us all to secrecy and about a month later when the school year ended, I was away in a home for unwed mothers. I, an unmarried, pregnant teen who let myself end up this way brought shame to the family. That’s how I felt. I became used goods. And I was terrified, doing as I was told.

A few years ago I received an anonymous box with a gift inside. A handwritten thank you note for my daughter. The person who adopted her wanted to thank me and let me know how much my daughter was cherished and adored. As much as it warmed my heart to get the note, I wanted to know what she looks like.

Does my daughter look much like me? What did she look like growing up? Were school and book learning fairly easy for her like it was for me, or did she have learning disabilities? Did she inherit any mental health issues? Does she like to write, like I do? Does she have a natural eye for photography? Does she love the ocean like I do? Is she coordinated, picking up dance steps easily, unlike me? Can she draw, unlike me?

Last fall she turned forty. A psychic friend of mine told me she’s married with children – I’d love to meet her family.

As much as I want to meet my daughter, I don’t want to tell her she’s the product of rape. Of incest. It doesn’t change how much I love her, but still. Talk about rocking someone’s world! It’s probably the only reason why I won’t seek her out; I’ll let her come to me. Several years ago I wrote her a letter and had it put into her adoption file, giving her my contact information and letting her know I wanted to meet her but I didn’t want to intrude in her life. If and when she wants to meet, she can get in touch.

From the note I got, her birth parents must have been notified about my letter because they got my name and address from it. I wonder if she ever got the letter.

On top of all this, as I scrolled through Facebook I saw a few posts about it being Sibling Day, with pictures of happy siblings. Sometimes I want to post on Facebook a childhood picture of me and my older brother before our younger brother was born, and comment something like, “Who knew he’d grow up to rape her?” I mean, no one who has a young child expects them to grow up and be a rapist.

siblings

Who knew he’d grow up and rape her?

And still, I protect him. He’s been protected his entire life and can’t even begin to understand or appreciate it.

These are a few parts of my life that I don’t share much, except here, primarily because it’s too difficult for most people to hear. Some probably wouldn’t believe me because our family’s dirty secret was hidden so well for so long. But I’m done keeping the secret. It doesn’t mean I’ll be sharing my past with everyone I know because frankly, most people I know haven’t earned the right to hear it.

But there are times and places where it’s appropriate to share because I’m not alone. And I want others out there who’ve survived the shit I’ve lived through to know they can not only survive it but heal and leave the pain behind.

I remember when a hypnotherapist I worked with told me one day I’d be able to think about the past without becoming fucked up (my words, not hers) by it, and I was incredulous. It didn’t happen in one session but over the course of a few years, having only a few sessions a year it eventually happened. And with the grace of God and Kundalini energy, all attachment to any relationship with my brother completely dissolved in moments during the summer of 2018. The soul mission (relationship with its challenges) was complete.

As much as my brother is a brother because he was born to my parents, he’s never been a brother. It’s complicated.

Seasons of Change

I love autumn, a season of change. I love leaves turning into fire and rust, painting bright colors where for months there was a swath of green, and then falling, leaving bare branches and the view beyond. Summer months of abundance give way to the harvest and time of fallow. The heat and bugs leave for cool days and cold, crisp nights. Pretty soon we’ll crank up the woodstove.

Healing is change of a different sort. Change created on the inside that unfurls outward. A little over a year ago, I had an inner change that healed the part of me who still wanted a caring and loving older brother. Something I’d wanted my whole life, simply because I had a sibling who was born before me who was male. This person who was by definition supposed to be my “big brother,” but who was unable to act in the capacity in a meaningful way. After a big inner shift, that part of me was healed. The want and desire to have something I’d never really had was gone.

And with the shift came clarity that in all likelihood, I’ll never have what I’d always wanted. He’ll never substantially change. Yet I had. Dramatically.

The one thing that still binds us together, I’m working on separating. Legal paperwork type stuff. Is this whole separation thing being well received by my brother and in particular his wife? Not entirely. But then again, my being molested, impregnated, and having to give up my daughter for adoption wasn’t received well by me. I’ve learned that when a person is so twisted inside that they’ll molest a sibling, there’s something essentially wrong with them that counseling can’t fix. Been there, done that. I’m moving on.

Before we’re born, we choose who will be cast in the roles as our family members in life. And with some of them, we choose to experience painful relationships in order to give our soul opportunities to grow and evolve. I’ve healed so much pain and anger from this particular relationship that I finally hit an endpoint: healing all desire to continue it further. Much different from leaving someone in anger. Feels more like our soul contract is complete. I’m done.

The richness and abundance of learning from this particular relationship is behind me and it feels appropriate to be letting it go as the foliage falls and plants go dormant. There is some unexpected grief I’m dealing with and will move through in time. But I know when we both cross over at the end of our lives, our souls will reunite in love.

Get Off My Back!

One of the things I use hypnosis for is to talk to my body. Our bodies speak to us symbolically using pictures and phrases, and once I’m in a hypnotic state, with my body very relaxed and my chatterbox brain quieted, focusing on my hypnotherapist’s voice I’ve been able to tap into root causes of physical pain and dis-ease and heal them.

My lower back has been cranky ever since I herniated a disc several years ago. I’ve done the route of physical therapy and cortisone shots, and I’ve also used energy healing to help back pain. This past winter, I gained a lot of weight and picking up on some stress recently, it was time to address some very upset, tight muscles that were causing my back to act up.

After being relaxed using an induction process, my hypnotherapist guided me to tune into my lower back and hip area. After a moment, a foggy picture began to come into my mind’s eye. I could sense someone grabbing my hips and violating me from behind. As I became very emotional, I recognized it was my brother. He was raping me. Upset hit me and tears fell as the young girl in me fought as hard as she could to get away. She fought so very hard, only to have her violator feel happy because of her struggle. The more she fought, the more powerful he felt. It was sick and twisted. She fought and fought until it was of no use.

I wanted to kill him; take his head right off. I can’t get him off me.

When my hypnotherapist asked what was needed to help this part of my body heal,  I knew my inner orphaned child needed to know how strong and brave she was even though she was terrified. More tears fell as I connected back in with her, telling her even though she was really scared, she did what she had to do in order to survive.

Asking for a way to help her feel better, I suddenly saw another part of my younger self come forward looking like a child dressed in a gladiator outfit, carrying a large, heavy sword.

from Google Images

Deep healing release of sobs came as she told me, “No one will EVER, EVER hurt you like that again. EVER!!” Then I saw her place a ring of armor around my body like a skirt, protecting from my low back down to my thighs, all the way around. Impenetrable armor. Tears fell as I knew I was finally protected forever, seeing images of attempts at being violated failing again and again, like a battering ram shattering against an impenetrable wall. People could try and try to violate me, but they can do nothing to hurt me in this way ever again.

A moment later, I suddenly saw my little warrior morph into a gigantic Archangel Michael. Feeling the overwhelming intensity and power of love that he brought, I sobbed even harder, barely able to catch my breath. He showed up so strongly, telling me, “You’re done with that. You don’t need to experience that anymore. You’re done. No more sexual violation.” I knew the people who’ve done it to me have no more power over me. None. They’re essentially out of my life forever.

I saw Archangel Michael standing tall and strong, holding a large spear as if to say if anyone tries to mess with me, he’ll take care of them. I’m protected forever. I knew this protection wasn’t something I had to do anything to activate – it’s permanently installed within me. I saw it ripple back through all time and forward as well. And then I saw time as a conical spiral, and the spiral turned to gold, representing an extremely high energetic vibration. I knew the healing affected not only this current life but all other lifetimes when I was sexually violated.

As I was directed to check back in with my body, I saw a protective skirt around it and depending on how I looked at it, it looked gold; carrying the energy of gold. My inner child had shifted quite dramatically, feeling really confident. She was a far cry from the terrified little girl she’d been only minutes earlier, now very sassy, confident, and happy, snapping her fingers side to side, with attitude as if to wave away anyone she didn’t want to deal with.

My hypnotherapist asked if Archangel Michael had anything to share with me. And as I looked to him, he winked at me, saying, “You know you’re awesome!” It wasn’t braggadocious, but rather confirming that I’m truly awesome and totally badass. Telling me to own it. He also said, “You got this!” And, “I’m always with you.”

With this aspect of my orphaned inner child brought back into the fold, she and I are no longer separated, but united as one.

It’s only been a few days since the session, and I’m still integrating the shift, but there is a new sense of lightness within me, and less physical discomfort. Sessions like these create a permanent shift deep within, changing how I feel about myself from the inside out. Creating more inner peace.

Healing and My Dream

A few days ago I did some more healing work. Having a hypnosis session, I dove into some physical discomfort I’ve been feeling lately. During the session, I connected with part of my inner child who was still stuck in the past, crying because her older brother wouldn’t leave her alone and kept sexually violating her. He just wouldn’t stop, and the harder she fought back, the more powerful he felt dominating her.

I was guided through the session and ended up with the little girl in me becoming happy and free. It was transformational. With this part of my inner child healed, I not only feel lighter inside but my dream this morning reflected the change as well.

The dream was short but profound. I saw my brother and I standing in our family summer cottage, and he moved toward me as if to hug me. For decades, he and I have had a very strained relationship, and because his wife knew nothing about our past until a few years ago, she always pushed him to hug me when we got together. It was never something he wanted to do, and nothing I ever welcomed.

As he moved toward me, I put up my hand signaling him to stop. I said, “It’s ok. You don’t have to do that anymore. I’m letting you off the hook. In fact, I’m going to set you free and make both our lives a lot easier.”

And with that, I can’t remember if there was any more to the dream, but I told him about my plan to separate us on paper (we co-own two properties that we inherited when our parents died), by his taking one property and my taking the other. This way, if we chose to have any sort of relationship, we’d be free to do so, but wouldn’t be bound by any finances or legality.

At some point, I’ll have this conversation in real life with him and his wife, because I feel like in order to complete my healing journey with that relationship, I need to separate us in this way. I’ve done a ton of work healing my heart about the past, and have even healed the desire to have a relationship with this man who was never really a brother to me. The truth is, it won’t be 100% complete until we reconnect on the other side after death.  In the meanwhile, I can set us both free while we’re still here, alive.

One of the more difficult things about having a Kundalini Awakening is having my past brought up again and again, healing more and more deeply. Yes, the healing part is incredible, but having more and more things from my past dredged up for review and then dealing with my head while it’s being rewired (replay after replay of the past as inner reactivity fades away bit by bit) really, really sucks. I have never in my entire life thought about my older brother more than during the past two years of Kundalini energy being active in my body, and it’s a whole lot of not fun. However, the reactivity associated with thinking about him is dissolving and disappearing, which is magical.

Healing works miracles. Even if for now, things aren’t very comfortable. I know one day life will feel very different.

Healing Can Get Complicated

Inspired by a fellow blogger who was also sexually abused as a child, it was only recently that I realized a part of me longed for my older brother’s approval and acceptance, despite the fact he abused me. I had a moment of clarity a few months ago when I suddenly realized I no longer longed for the stereotypical older brother that I never had and never will. The little girl inside me who always wanted an older brother to love her, accept her and protect her, finally healed and let go of her pain. She is free of the past.

Years ago, when I first began work on healing myself, I wanted to let my big brother know that I was doing better because I was beginning to let go of so much hate and anger I’d felt toward him for decades. I liked the fact that I could think about him and even talk to him without wanting him dead and without endless buckets of anger rising up in me. The irony is, he’s never really felt deep regret or remorse for his actions toward me when we were younger. So, my sharing with him that I was doing better, didn’t have much of an impact on him. At the time, I thought it would. My inner child still wanted his approval and love.

When I once asked him why he did what he did, he said it was because he didn’t know it was wrong. He said it was only because the psychiatrist our father sent him to told him it’s not ok to rape your sister (or whatever language they used), that he even realized what he did was wrong.

But the fact is, that’s not entirely true. He knew he was doing something wrong and bad, way back when, because he made me be quiet about it. He forced me to not tell, and made me fear getting into trouble. But he seems to have blocked this part out. I haven’t. The fact is, he didn’t have to do or say much to keep me quiet because I was already completely disempowered because of how he’d treated me our entire lives together.

The more I’ve healed, the more I’m able to put myself into his shoes. And one of the saddest recent realizations I’ve had is, I’m pretty sure he has little to no capacity for empathy. In many ways, he’s like a child, unable to put himself into another’s shoes and see through their eyes. He’ll never in a million years be able to understand that the person who was supposed to look out for me and have my interests at heart, not only never looked out for me, but sexually violated me. Not once or twice, but regularly for almost two years.

And the only reason it stopped wasn’t because he suddenly grew a conscience, but because I became pregnant and despite all my major denial and fear, could no longer hide it. The big fear of “getting into trouble” hit the fan in all sorts of ways.

I’ll never forget the day my father called me and my brother into the living room to have one of the most anguishing talks I’ve ever seen him have. As Dad put his hand on my tummy, he expressed to my brother how beyond hurt and shocked he was to find out that his innocent, beautiful, sweet baby girl was pregnant. At 14. And the worst stab in the heart was, he wanted to kill the person who did this, but he couldn’t because it was his own son.

If he could have had the person arrested, thrown in jail, banished or beheaded, he would have. But because it was his own son, it decimated him. Putting my brother out of the house apparently wasn’t an option for Dad. With no grandparents left to shuttle my brother off to, I don’t really know why Dad didn’t think of sending him off to boarding school; after all, he’d already sent my younger brother to boarding school upon the advice of my mother’s psychiatrist. What Dad did do, was put a latch on the inside of my door, so I could lock it. I had to lock my bedroom door every night as I went to bed.

Dad didn’t realize that seeing a psychiatrist for a few months didn’t fundamentally change my brother in the least. Years after the molestation was found out, when my brother was home from college on vacation, and we’d all been partying with friends, I suddenly woke up with someone crawling into my bed, taking off my underwear, pawing at my genitals. Because I was dead asleep, it took me a minute to realize what was going on, and to kick my brother out of my crotch and my bedroom. I’d gotten complacent with his being away at college, and forgot to lock my bedroom door.

I only wish I’d been able to kick his face hard enough to break his nose. But at that point, I was still so very disempowered and seeking acceptance. Even from him. I just wanted him to stop doing this to me and to like me.

The thing with sexual abuse happening within a family, is the effects ripple out. When it’s happening, anyone who knows about it is effected. People often take sides. And years later, when the person who was abused is finally able to address it and begin to heal from it, there comes a time when part of their recovery is finally being able to speak their truth. And doing that has effects on the family as well.

Abuse is always surrounded by secrecy, denial, shame and blame. Always. It is complex and complicated.

I know that when I told our younger brother (only a handful of years ago) about what happened, he was in a state of shock. It rocked his world. As much as my intentions were to not hurt him in any way, I needed to finally talk about what happened. And I couldn’t talk about it until I’d reached a state in my own healing where I wasn’t so filled with venom and anger.

I needed to let go of my deep, dark secret in a way that didn’t perpetuate hate and anger. And I wanted to be able to help my younger brother process this, not just shove shit into his face and tell him to deal with it. His seeing me in a good place, helped him be able to deal with it much better than if I’d merely told him that the older brother he’d always looked up to and emulated, was actually a monster.

I also firmly believe that monsters don’t just develop out of thin air. Some of our mother’s manic behavior when our older brother was very little (too little to remember), affected him. If he were to do a hypnotic regression, he could become aware of what happened to him, and heal from it. But he won’t. He still doesn’t really fully feel in his heart that what he did was wrong.

Because I found a really effective way to heal from my past, and finally felt strong enough to break my silence to some family members over the past few years (there are still some who don’t know, mostly because they are still young), I’ve been watching this ripple of shock and denial, followed by feelings of empathy for me and confusion and anger toward my older brother. Merely finding out about a family member having been sexually abused has effects on those who hear about it. Their reality is shattered. And because it was I who told, I shattered their reality.

Beginning To Bear Fruit

The fruits of my labor, the labor of being rebirthed by Kundalini energy, are beginning to show up. In the world of healing, one of the ways we know healing is happening, is by how we feel. More specifically, by a change in how we feel.

Two relationships in my life have been the most challenging, and they are with family members: my bipolar mother, and my very disconnected older brother. After my mother died, about five years ago, I dove into the pond of my personal crap, and came up learning about how damaging our relationship had been. I learned about it because I was trying to figure out why I had so much internal discomfort that I kept trying to eat away. And as I followed thread after thread of uncomfortable feelings, they kept ending up back in my childhood, with arrows pointing directly at my relationship with my mother.

The beauty of the modality I used was not only uncovering the root of an issue, but healing it within the same session. It was like a one-two punch to freedom. Bring the unconscious up to conscious awareness, and let the discomfort go.

Our minds do amazing things to protect us, tucking experiences and memories away in our subconscious mind until we’re ready to deal with them, if we so desire. Most of my childhood has been blank for my adult life. So when I realized that my mother’s attacking behavior when she became manic didn’t just begin when I was a teenager, but happened all throughout my life, it came as a shock to me.

Going through the healing sessions I’ve done since my mother’s death not only allowed me to take back personal power and establish boundaries I wasn’t allowed to have as a child, but moving even further down the healing continuum allowed me to reach a place of incredible healing in my heart for every time my mother hurt me.

Last spring, with the help of Kundalini energy, during meditation, I had a moment of profound understanding of my mother, and experienced complete healing of our relationship. And because she’s gone and I don’t have to relate to her on the physical plane, that relationship feels very complete and finished for me now.

I can think of my mother without becoming angry for how she treated me, which allows me to remember the good times. I can remember how proud she was when she saw me in action as a mother. I can remember the times we played music together when I was still young and at home. I can remember going on vacation with her when I was in my early twenties, having great fun together.

The bitter is pretty much gone, leaving the sweet.

The other challenging family relationship, one with my brother, has also healed to the point that I’m astonished.

Several years ago, the shame that came from my being molested was healed with some amazing and divine intervention – an angel came in during a healing session.

All the shame is gone. In fact, I can’t remember feeling shame about anything since that session.

And with a combination of talk therapy and a variety of energy healing sessions, bit by bit I found new perspectives that have helped me let go of decades of anger and bitter resentment. I also worked on healing my body image – which gets really messed up when you’ve been sexually abused.

Last summer, with the help of Kundalini action in my body, when my brother became very upset while I was trying to get in touch with him to sort out family business, my clairvoyance kicked in and I was able to read between the lines of his pain. I suddenly realized he’d had a fight with his wife, and instead of getting angry at his childish reaction, or being happy that he felt hurt, my internal reaction was one of empathy and compassion. I could suddenly see through his eyes, connecting with the confused and hurt little boy in him. The little boy who just didn’t get it. Who was trying to please people around him, but couldn’t seem to do anything right.

Something deep inside me shifted and healed, allowing me to feel compassion for him. It surprised the shit out of me.

When I think about the past, anger doesn’t instantly rise up. Instead of becoming triggered into anger because my body was ruined by becoming pregnant at 14, I’m proud of my body for the amazing thing it is and for the amazing things it does for me. Instead of feeling like used goods, I know I’m a sparkly, amazing bit of divine energy, walking and talking as a female human being, living out my soul’s wishes.

Having healed our shared past, it’s brought a feeling of closure for me. It doesn’t make what happened right or ok. But I can finally let the pain go. I feel like our soul agreement is done, and I’m able to move on.

I have never had a happy/healthy relationship with this brother that was the least bit authentic and I have no desire for one. I know that he has done zero work on himself, has no higher awareness about himself than we had when we were children, and has no desire to change. As much as I’d love for him to create healing for himself, I know it’s not likely to happen in this lifetime.

I have an understanding of him that he doesn’t even have. I see how incredibly disconnected from his heart and his own sense of self and inner knowing he is and always had been. I believe that his relationship with our mentally ill mother, when he was very young, contributed to the disconnection. As her relationship with me contributed to my own disconnection.

The most incredible epiphany for me this past fall was when I realized I no longer felt the need for a big brother. Such a sense of freedom! This person has filled the position in name only. Growing up, he never looked out for me, acted in a protective way, or showed me any love in a healthy way. He was jealous and domineering. As adults, we have had to connect because of family business, but it always feels like talking to a robot. I’m finally very ok with him not being in my life.

It might sound harsh, but if he were killed tomorrow, I would probably cry for his children and wife’s pain. But then I’d be over it. Because I’m over him.

Healing from the relationship means there is finally no longing ache in my heart for what never was.

inspirational graphic

Firestorms and Healing

Everywhere I look in the media lately, there’s a firestorm about sexual harassment and assault. Women are speaking up in droves. They are rising up in a chorus of no more. They are standing together and standing up together. And there are probably as many out there who have been sexually assaulted and harassed who can’t speak up or speak out yet. And may never.

I lived shrouded in extreme shame and secrecy for decades. In fact, I still don’t openly share my past with people from my youth because many of them know my attacker. He is my brother. And some of his friends from way back when are mine too. None of them are extremely close friends, but still.

When I’ve told people who know me, especially those who have known me for a very long time, it shatters a part of them inside. It shatters their perception of me. I become a victim in their eyes, and it brings pain into their hearts. For those closest to me, a lot of pain.

Because I’ve carried the pain for so very long, I don’t relish sharing it. I’m used to it and they’re not, is my reasoning. I’ve had time, therapy and healing work. They don’t have the toolkit I have developed.

A year and a few months ago, I wrote about how far I’d come with letting go of shame and monstrous amounts of anger I held onto towards my brother. I held this shit inside of me for far too long.

“How do you know that things in a relationship have healed? When you can think of the other person and you’re no longer angry, sad, frustrated, or want to kill them. When you can communicate through letters and you don’t want to reach through the ethers and throttle them. When you can have a phone conversation with them and you still feel ok. When the charge that was between you is gone.

With so much anger gone, when my brother called, we had a really good talk about all sorts of things. About messed up family dynamics. About healing I’ve done. About damage our mother wrought on us. And more. My brother sincerely apologized (not the first time) for what he did to me, for what happened to me. And I heard and felt it.

He is not some monster.”

And as much as the feelings of anger, shame, and resentment that I held in me for so very long have been healed, with Kundalini energy turned on in my body, it seems like everything I had healed is up for review again.

Kundalini takes my life and rips things apart, one by one. I takes the healing work I’ve done and brings up the next layer for me to heal. But this time, I’ve been picking up on unconscious misalignment of those I am emotionally or physically close to: my family and friends. I intuit their unconscious beliefs causing misalignment between their soul and their physical being. And as my energetic system intuits someone else’s belief (that also happens to resonate with me), my systems shifts merely with my picking up on it, and creates healing for me.

Basically, if I’m around someone who becomes emotionally reactive, when I resonate with them, my energy system shifts to create alignment. Whether I like it or not, want to or not. I become aware of the shift either as it’s happening, or after it’s happened.

Because of this, as much as I’ve worked through my own pain and discomfort about my childhood; about having been molested, this summer I intuited a bee’s nest of pain and crap from a family member who hasn’t worked out their own feelings, thoughts and beliefs about their own relationship with my brother and with me. And connecting energetically with them and their bags of crap took me out for more than two months.

With the recent firestorm in the media about sexual harassment and sexual assault, as much as yes, I’ve healed from my own past, the emotional fervor of the world is vibrating through my system, creating more changes in me. More alignment with my soul.

It’s taking me back to the raw and vulnerable state I used to live in. The state where I lived as a victim. Powerless. And it’s not fun.

The irony is, I absolutely no longer feel like a victim to the people who abused me when I was little. They hold no power over me. I can talk about my past without feeling any shame or blame or anger. And the only reason I haven’t shared my past with more people, is to spare their feelings.

If I don’t share my past with someone, it’s because when I do, I suddenly become different to them. Even though I’m not.

When I look at social media or watch TV, advertisements for news stories, and news pieces keep focusing on things that get a rise out of people: like sexual harassment and assault. Yes, I can turn off the TV and get off social media. But while my brain is rewiring these days, there are times when my brain thoughts are full of such shit and lies that being preoccupied by mindless TV helps me make it through the day.

There are days I can’t focus long enough to read or write, and if I go for a walk or do meditative activities, the endless streams of fear inducing thoughts that keep running rampant through my head, create a living hell. That’s when I need mindless distraction. Even sleep doesn’t bring relief.

So, as much as I applaud victims of abuse for standing up, reclaiming their power, and sending out the message of, “No more!”, I won’t be out there in person, in public any time soon. I won’t be making a grand announcement on Facebook about my past sexual abuse.

But I write about it here. In this little space I’ve created. And I invite conversation.