Earth Angels

Still working my way through Kundalini awakening, my hypnotherapist recently guided me into my inner world to have a conversation with my body. But before going into hypnotherapy, I had a psychic reading a few weeks ago that let me know that when I was young and experienced sexual abuse, I blocked a large part of myself off. The psychic said it related to sensual energy, and it was likely impacting my ability to run Kundalini energy. She believed this block explained my feeling out of sorts and tired, so I wanted to investigate and heal whatever came up. And I was curious to know if it affected food cravings that have been an issue for the past few years.

During that same psychic reading, I discovered that my prebirth plan for this life wasn’t the first plan. There was an earlier plan that would have had me born first of my siblings, but after my mother lost her first pregnancy, the soul who is now my older brother switched things up and was born first. The way she put it, he bullied his way in first. Had my prior plan borne out, I wouldn’t have gone through sexual abuse. Hearing this was a bit tough, but I know my soul agreed to the revised plan for some reason or it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know just how much of my life I could foresee before being born second, but it changed a lot about my life.

Knowing this information, I decided to keep things simple and, using hypnosis, asked my body how we could help it feel better.

Immediately I heard the voice of someone who was very upset. Asking what was wrong, she had all sorts of large, hard, plaque-like things stuck all over her body she couldn’t remove and wanted help. She said the stuff was messing her up. They were messing up her ability to connect with herself. I heard her say, “They’re messing me up. Me. ME.” Then I saw two huge letters, “M” “E” – emphasis on Me.

Following that thread, my hypnotherapist asked me to connect with that part of myself called ‘Me’. When I did, I immediately knew she was five, felt lost, and was cartwheeling in outer space. Her tether had broken and she wanted help. Letting the five-year-old Me speak more, she said, “I’m gone. I’m gone. I thought I could do this but I can’t. I’m outta here. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.” She was talking about life. Something happened that was too much.

Then my attention was drawn to the center of my chest, to my heart, where I saw a big open hole. But it wasn’t just a hole, it looked like one end of something like a funnel-shaped wormhole that went through my body and connected to the world of spirit. It felt like a tunnel we traverse between worlds, and it looked dark and uninviting.

When asked if Me was afraid of the wormhole, I heard her say, “I’m dead. I’m gone.” I suddenly knew she was trying to get back through the wormhole to the other side (spirit), but she can’t. “I’m trying to get back out the way I came in, but I can’t, so I’m dead – that’s it.” And her version of that is cartwheeling in outer space with no tether back to here.

My hypnotherapist asked if we could offer her some sort of tether and Me wasn’t so sure she wanted to come back. Validating her feelings and allowing Me to just be, her resistance to coming back began to melt. Allowing her to speak, Me said I owed her a big apology. We encouraged her to say more. She said I owed her a really big apology because shit didn’t roll out the way it was supposed to.

Becoming a bit emotional I apologized to the five-year-old Me, telling her I didn’t know how life was going to roll out. I kept telling her I was sorry and that I loved her. As I kept apologizing, she got closer and closer, beginning to trust me. I repeated I didn’t know, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know everything that was going to happen. I told her I’m not God. I don’t know every single thing that’s going to happen (in life).

Little Me just looked at me and said, “What do you mean? What do you mean you’re not God? You ARE God! You ARE love! You forgot it!!

As an inner bolt of lightning struck, a dam of emotion burst within me, and an epiphany came forth. She’s here to teach me, to remind me.

“You forgot you’re love!! You forgot there’s that part of you that’s connected to God ALL THE TIME!!!” And she’s stressing ALL… THE… TIME!!! “You forgot that part of you when you were hurt so, so deeply!! That part of you shattered SO BADLY! It shattered. It completely shattered. I just see pieces of glass EVERYWHERE. That part of you completely forgot who you were because you lost faith when your plan was smashed to bits by that asshole. You had an agreement (pre-birth) and he (my older brother) completely disregarded it. He did what he always does, and it was too much. Because you knew what was coming down the pike. You saw his actions would have all kinds of repercussions he couldn’t see, wouldn’t see. You knew all that shit was coming and you were like, Fuck no! I’m not doing it!”

Continuing on, she said, “But what you didn’t see, what you didn’t know was how much help you’d have. You were so cut off from everything and everybody, and everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. You didn’t know about all your Earth Angels!! You didn’t know your Aunt was looking after you. You didn’t know your classmate would go to the other side and become a guardian for you. And there are other Earth Angels you don’t know about who are looking out for you. Who protected you, and kept secrets about the past until it was time for you to share them.” She’s saying “You have only the slightest idea of all the Earth Angels that have been helping you throughout your life. There are SO many. SO many.

This is about knowing you’re protected on Earth.

As I looked back at this little part of me, she’s growing up, no longer a little girl. She’s looking at me, like, ‘Phew! Thank God! You finally got it! Thank you!’ (laughing)

I have been protected on Earth throughout this whole journey, even when I didn’t know it – couldn’t see it, and will be protected for the rest of my life. We’re all protected during our lives, but most people don’t know it.

When my hypnotherapist asked how all this related to my issues with food and eating, wisdom flowed from my Higher Self.

This all relates to the ‘pleasures of life’. Food is one. There are many. Yes. This does relate to physical pleasures in life. Absolutely.

Thinking about how this aspect of me who came forth was five, and knowing something devastating happened to me when I was five, I was allowed to see a bit of what it was. I was told it’s ok for me to know this now. I can handle it. I saw enough to know it was the first physical violation that shut me down. And it absolutely relates to the physical pleasures of life. I get the sense that food was a salve because I saw a scene of my little five-year-old eating cookies trying to feel better, trying to push the icky feeling out of her mind. Food helped her blunt the pain and trauma. She knew what happened wasn’t right and wasn’t ok because I keep hearing her repeat, “the icky feeling in my body, the icky feeling in my body.” And when she would eat or even when she’d just go play she could forget about it. And after a while, she kinda forgot about it. Yup. That definitely shut her down, big time.

With the trauma released, it was safe to have this memory back.

Moving forward, my hypnotherapist mentioned one of the intentions for the session was to offer this part of me who still reaches for food some sort of healing or support, and asked how we could do this.

Immediately, I saw this now more grown-up aspect standing and saying, “You heard me. You were the first person who actually listened and paid attention, and HEARD me.”

It sounded like she tried to tell someone and they blew her off. “Nobody would listen to me.” I saw her standing there and actually looking really good. She said, “I just needed to be heard. And acknowledged. And seen. And you have done that. And thank you so much.”

Then, a big energy beam emanating from her heart connected back to my heart (as I got very emotional). She looked at me and said, “Yup! Reconnection!” With very playful energy, I saw her jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline, and she jumped up and dove back into my heart saying, “I’m home now baby! I’m home!” And then I heard “I’m back! I’m back! I’m back in the saddle again” sung by Aerosmith.

Moving forward some more, my hypnotherapist asked how all this relates to my Kundalini energy and my feeling tired and out of sorts. Right off the bat, I heard “We’re working on it and making really big progress. And this was huge.” I could see that my Kundalini energy is flowing, but there are some energy blocks that have put a sort of stranglehold on it, choking it a bit here and there. And with every healing it’s allowed to flow and expand a bit more.

When it came to getting answers about my not feeling like myself and being so tired, spirit got cagey and wouldn’t give me any further info other than to remind me that my soul loves surprises and to keep doing what I’ve been doing (healing sessions). I was told that I was getting closer and closer to the finish line and when I got there it would be well worth all the shit I’ve been going through to get there. And all the pain and difficulty would fade away like a bad dream. They told me I’m doing a great job and they’re so proud of me, and to just keep going.

The session wrapped up with the reminder that although I’ve gotten good at remembering I’ve got a team in spirit helping me in life (as I received a massive hug from them), today’s message was all about remembering I’ve got help in people around me. There’s been a big focus on not being understood by those around me, but I’m being reminded it’s ok. They don’t have to understand to want to support me and love me.

Since the session, I felt better and more present than I’ve felt in a very long time for about three days. It was heavenly! Not 100% back to myself, but so much more. However, more recently things have taken a step… not really back… but perhaps sideways? There’s still some more healing to be done, but this was a doozy. It was huge. And now I know I’ve got a giant posse of Earth Angels helping me through life.

Know that when you go through trials in life you’re never alone.

Healing Resistance to Oneness

Just over four and a half years ago my consciousness shifted dramatically. I was elevated to a new level of everything. I mean, the way I saw everything and felt about everything changed. I healed a level of trust in myself that was new. I’d gotten glimpses of this new level but wasn’t residing there full time. It’s the level of knowing I had and have a hand in creating my life. Or perhaps more accurately, co-creating my life. And along with this new full-time awareness it feels like my energy field was blown wide open. Oneness like I’d never known it.

Initially, my energetic vibration was so high that life absolutely flowed and things came to me so easily. And there was such a focus on allowing life to flow through my heart that when I felt any sort of resistance to the flow, merely by taking a quiet moment to myself and intending for the resistance to be let go so whatever was resisting was brought back into my heart, it happened. Just that easily. And I knew a healing had happened because the releases were very emotional. I’d feel something let go and then allowed tears.

Afterwards I was a bit tired, and within a few days my mind was clear again, I had energy back, and the way I saw the world had changed a little bit. My understanding of things had broadened and deepened. And I felt more compassionate in general.

Before long I didn’t even have to intend to release resistance. I started to actually embody other people’s issues; things they were utterly unaware of. But when it was happening I couldn’t see it. Their energy as thoughts flowed through my mind as if they were my own, and a few times the way I talked and what I said suddenly wasn’t really me. I didn’t realize I was doing it at first until I suddenly experienced a massive emotional release as my inner world shifted. For the people I was around, it was scary. They didn’t understand what was going on with me and couldn’t begin to understand even when I tried to explain a few times.

I found it best to isolate myself.

After a short while the shift would wait until I had a private space to release. But when someone else’s thoughts and issues were flowing through me, I didn’t realize I was embodying their stuff until a while later when I’d look back and wonder why I was suddenly talking about this or that, or why my emotions seemed so very out of character. Can you imagine if the stuff that triggers you was suddenly in your face? People don’t tend to react well.

This still goes on every once in a while, especially around new people, but thankfully not too often. And I’m getting better at recognizing it and keeping my mouth shut. But it still makes for some awkward moments.

In energy healing terms I see it as my resonating with something in someone else’s energy field. And this is something that’s resonating with the collective as well. If there’s any resonance within me, it’s fair game to come up and be healed. Although I healed so much in my personal life and a few past lives before the big shift in early 2017, since then I’ve been healing things that resonate at a collective level.

So. Many. Things.

And for a few years it felt like something new would come up and be released before I’d fully integrated from the shift before. I was chronically exhausted and could barely function. My mind was mush. When the shifts came deep and too often, I yelled at God and at my soul and anyone else who’d listen. I’d sit and cry, telling them that it was too hard and too painful, and that if they wanted me to not cross myself over things had better ease up a bit. If I was sent here to have a human life and to be a mother and a wife, I had to be able to function; and I could barely function.

Last year, with my son in his last year of high school, there was a new sense of urgency to be able to function more normally. I was so over this Kundalini awakening crap. I needed to have energy and a clear head to help him with moving on, and so I could get back to my life as well. And there’s been microscopic progress.

For a while, healing sessions were focused on connecting with my higher self and asking for whatever was ready to be healed to come forward so I could address and heal it. And the sessions were magical. But more and more, I’m seeing that something in me is resonating with what looks a lot like depression. I don’t feel like myself, I’m chronically tired. My head is super foggy and spaced out when I get up in the morning and when I’m extra exhausted. I’ve dealt with depression before, so I know what it feels like. And I know what helps me feel better. What I’m going through isn’t depression. It’s mimicking depression.

This coming week I’ll be looking at this in a healing session (unless something else becomes more urgent). I’ll be asking to connect with the part of me who’s resonating with this massive disconnection known as depression. To look right at it and heal it. It makes sense that this would be coming up especially considering what the planet is going through right now.

So many people live quiet lives of desperation, cut off from their true selves, feeling like they have little to no control over their lives.

It will be interesting to see what comes up.