My journey of healing, has truly been a journey of healing my heart. It’s been a journey of finding things within that have caused me to reject love; ultimately, to reject myself. That’s what healing really is: creating internal change that allows life force energy (love) to flow through where it was once blocked.
The kicker is, these blocks are created initially to help keep us alive. They are part of our desired experience of life.
Forgiveness is the feeling of letting go of an internal block. It’s finding a way to change your heart; to become accepting where you formerly weren’t. To let yourself feel love again. To allow love to flow again.
As human beings, we are taught to forgive from our head – just say these words and you’ll feel better. Sometimes that can change our heart, and sometimes not. The easiest way to forgive someone is when we’re able to see through their eyes; to understand their feelings and motivation.
But how can we forgive someone who’s hurt us when they’re not sorry? How can we forgive someone who has damaged us, who has ruined us, when they don’t think for a minute they’re in the wrong?
You don’t. You don’t forgive THEM.
Because forgiveness is an inside job. All healing is an inside job.
In healing work, the focus is inside, not out. We look at feelings and emotions as guides, as breadcrumbs to follow.
The thing is, once I was able to see beneath the surface of my own seething rage, the rage I felt toward the person who did me wrong, what I found was rejection. I was rejecting myself. Blaming myself for a perceived wrongdoing. That young girl who became stuck in time, deep inside, was only stuck because she’d grabbed onto a belief. A belief that allowed her to make it through some horrible experiences without going crazy or killing herself. She believed it was her fault.
Yet, once the immediate danger was over, that part of me was unable to move on. For decades. Despite being able to finally accept that what happened to me wasn’t my fault, part of my unconscious mind held fast to her belief.
Because she was unable to move on, she’d occasionally act up. Any time I thought about the past or connected with someone who’d been through a similar experience, she’d call out to me through anger. I would become angry, enraged, seething, and could lash out like a viper.
I didn’t even know why I kept getting so angry. After all, what happened was in the past, wasn’t it? And I’d become so angry even when the perpetrator was nowhere near me, and wasn’t even in contact with me. All I had to do was think about what happened. WTF?
Using hypnotherapy to follow trails of emotions, I was able to find and meet parts of myself who’d become stuck in time. And what I found were little girl after little girl who was unable to move forward because she held fast to the belief that she wasn’t ok. She refused to let go of what she believed in because it was her belief that kept her alive. Kept me alive (so she thought).
It wasn’t until I was able to directly connect with her, to have a conversation with her, that she would have an epiphany. I’d let her see her situation through my adult eyes, the situation that contributed to the creation of her belief.
Sometimes, just recognizing that I’d gone on and grown up, that I was still alive, and that she and I were the same person, was enough for a part of me to let go of her belief. Other times, sharing my adult wisdom with the little girl in me, allowed her to see that she’d taken on a belief from someone else. Together we’d look at something that had happened, the event when she created her belief, and we’d work through it.
Instead of holding onto a belief that she was defective, one little girl was finally able to see that her behavior all those years ago was completely age appropriate. As a toddler, it’s absolutely age appropriate to be defiant and willful. And further, during the session dealing with the belief of being defective, the little girl suddenly became aware that she’d actually taken on that very belief from her mother. Her own mother carried the belief deep down inside herself that she was defective, no doubt taken from her mother.
That was a popular one in my family. In many families, the words are usually something along the lines of, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you do what you’re told?” When you hear those lines enough times, you eventually take on the belief that there’s something wrong with you. And it sticks.
The moment the little girl felt safe enough to let her belief go, the transformation was immediate. The moment she let go of whatever belief had kept her stuck, she’d immediately become happy and joyful. She’d ring out with new beliefs of being perfect and amazing. I didn’t have to instill these in her, they are our inner nature. They are our higher truth.
In that moment, the life force energy, the love that I’d been keeping from myself was once again flowing. The block was permanently dissolved.
For me, forgiveness is all about finding bits and pieces of myself, my inner child, who still hold themselves separate from my current awareness of myself. It’s about finding them and inviting them back home into my heart. It’s about letting them know their work is done; they can let go of whatever belief has been keeping them stuck. Stuck in time. Stuck believing a lie.
It’s about ending self-blame by understanding that things happened that weren’t my fault. I couldn’t have stopped them from happening. I tried to stop things from happening.
It’s knowing not only in my mind, but in my heart that I did the very best I could do IN THE MOMENT and I wasn’t able to take 100% control of a situation and stop it. It’s a change of heart.
All our feelings and emotions emanate from within us. They are generated inside our bodies and brains. However, because they become activated through our interaction with the outside world, most people think the outside world is the cause of any and all our emotions. It’s not. It’s merely a trigger.
Healing is exploring an emotional trigger and deactivating it.
When we seek forgiveness, it’s because we blame ourselves for hurting another person. But what do we do if they refuse to change and decide to
stay mad at us hang onto their internal pain? What can we do to change them and make them let us off the hook?
This is what I call kindergarten thinking.
You can’t make another person let go of their inner pain any more than you can control their thoughts. So let it go.
And if you can’t let it go, it’s because of continual blame with the finger pointing inward.
I hurt them. Oh no! It’s all my fault. Woe is me.
Life isn’t black and white. How can it possibly be 100% your fault that another person becomes emotionally triggered? How can it be 100% your fault that another person decides to hang onto an uncomfortable feeling for hours, days, weeks, years? It’s not.
When we become emotionally triggered, life suddenly feels black and white, all or nothing, because that’s the fear center in our brain taking over. It’s the immature thinking of a child taking over. Children see the world simply. They see good and bad, this or that. The only see the surface, incapable of complex thinking. Our brain on fear is all about survival. It does what it needs to do in order for us to keep living, whether it’s run away from a perceived danger, or create a belief that separates us when we physically can’t run away.
Forgiveness is actually an inside job. It’s about letting go of, or healing, unconscious beliefs that keep parts of us separated from our true divine selves; allowing this divine, life force energy, that is unconditionally loving love, to flow through us more fully.
It’s about creating more internal peace, health, and well-being. Becoming at peace with the past.
For me, it’s been a process. A long one. And just when I feel like it’s complete, a few more bits and pieces of my inner child feel safe to speak up, letting me know they want to be set free. Will it ever be done? Some things feel very complete for me now. But the truth is, only time will tell.
Forgiveness is about using whatever works for you to help you reconnect with yourself. Have you found what works for you yet? Let your feelings be your guide.