Grace

As much as life has been beyond challenging lately, there have been moments of clarity and grace. Despite being in a lot of physical discomfort today, a recent shift is allowing me to reconnect with myself. Even if it’s a matter of hours, it’s very welcome.

You are stronger than you know.

Inspiration finds us through grace.

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Struggling To Write

Over the past seven months, my body and brain have been changing significantly. And because of it, my ability to write has been impacted. A lot.

Just about the time my brain began shifting so significantly that words could no longer flow through me (last spring), I had recently realized that many times when I write, it felt like I was channeling words and thoughts. I was so connected to the realm of spirit, that I could easily allow thoughts to flow through me and my hands, and become written words. And now I can barely string two sentences together on many days. Things like vocabulary, grammar, tense of word, were things I didn’t have to think twice about. And now, so many posts begin, a thought partially formed in my mind, only to wither and die on the vine.

It’s frustrating.

And I know it’s temporary. I know it won’t always be this way. But I never expected or dreamed something like this would happen in my life. I never dreamed my brain could or would be rewired. I never knew that trauma I experienced as a child and teen would affect my DNA, and those effects could be changed for the better. I also never knew that when this process becomes extreme, it makes life a living hell (for a while).

Complications of Family

Coming up on Thanksgiving, all sorts of families are gathering, sharing meals and time visiting and reconnecting. As much as I no longer live near any of my family of origin, and my parents are now gone, my thoughts have turned to family quite a bit recently.

Well, that’s not wholly true. It hasn’t only been recently. My thoughts have focused on my family of origin quite often since this past August. Too often.

I’ve been going through a Kundalini awakening experience since late last winter, and what it’s been doing is bringing up all sorts of pain in my heart and issues that I identify with, to give me an opportunity to heal them. And for me, it’s been an extremely intense and challenging time because of the scope of how much has been coming up, and the depth to which healing is being created. It’s been a ton. And at times, almost too much.

One of the concepts that’s being healed, is my concept of family. I have an older brother, whose relationship with me has always been unhealthy and uncomfortable. As children, he always dominated me. Then he moved on to molesting me. Something most people don’t understand is, when you’re little, it’s very natural and normal to seek approval from those around you. A child looks outside of themselves to know they are ok.

Because I had a mother who was mentally ill, I knew that she wasn’t an unconditionally loving and safe place to fall. I looked to my big brother for approval and validation, and unfortunately, he was also not unconditionally loving or a safe place to fall either. In fact, my sense of self was so messed up that when my brother would do things to me that I knew weren’t ok, and ended up taking his actions to the next level of molesting me, when he told me I had to keep quiet or I’d get in trouble, I believed him.

My own inner voice was screaming for help, but my brain told me to shut up or pain would rain down on me. The irony is, pain rained down eventually. I spent decades living with rage and shame. They kept me in a prison.

Over the past few years, that prison has been healing. And I even got to a point that I could think about my brother, and no feelings of shame or anger would immediately flash up. It was huge for me. Huge.

Until last summer, when, with this Kundalini energy coursing through my being, I was reunited with my brother after almost five years. Because of the state I was in, I knew that getting together with him would probably trigger me, so I asked to postpone our reunion a year, but my request was met with suspicion and fear by his wife, who got my brother so upset that just reading an email from him (that was filled with emotional pain) triggered the hell out of me.

I was a mess for weeks. Because the trigger that I was trying to avoid, happened even without a face to face reunion, I acquiesced and agreed to see my brother and his wife for a few days during a trip I took east with my family. It was supposed to have been a vacation.

If my body and mind had been normal, we would have had an uncomfortable three days, and that might have been the end of it. But my entire system is far from normal lately. My energetic and intuitive system is so wide open that when I’m around people who are emotionally activated, I pick up on what’s activating them, either consciously or unconsciously. And when their unconscious shit resonates with me, those same things in me rise up and shift into healing.

In the case of my brother and his wife, I picked up on a shit ton of her unconscious fear and pain, and ran it straight through my body. I picked up on her fear of losing her marriage, her fear of not belonging in our family, and her fears about her kids. They ping-ponged inside of me, bringing up my own fears of those same things. But for me, when things like that are brought up, they come fully up into my conscious mind, causing emotional pain and turmoil and then are immediately healed.

These days, the things I pick up on are universal themes of life that everyone carries some sort of fear or dysfunction around. I’m tapped into universal consciousness.

When something is healed, it creates a shift in my field of energy, that in turn creates changes in my mental construct and physical body. And because these changes have been so significant lately, the period afterwards has been physically and mentally miserable. Weeks of cells dying off, old neural pathways dying off, tissues becoming temporarily inflamed, until new cells, new neural pathways grow, and inflammation calms down. Weeks of brain changing, that feels like a combination of mental illness and brain damage, yet knowing I’m not ill, and the brain isn’t damaged, but changing.

One of the more unpleasant side effect of the brain changing, is when I spend days hyperfocusing. Focusing on things I’d rather not think about, such as my brother and his wife. That went on for weeks before our reunion, and several weeks after. They invaded my thoughts for hours every day. I knew it wasn’t normal, and wouldn’t be forever. And it’s been subsiding. Slowly.

One of the interesting things that’s happened with all of this opened intuitive capability, and with my body healing at an incredible rate, is disconnecting my energy field from that of my family of origin. I’m no longer pining for something I never had.

I no longer want a loving and protective brother that I never had. In fact, my feelings toward my older brother are so absolutely neutral that if I never see him again for the rest of my life, it won’t really bother me. Mostly, the state he’s in makes me sad. The fact that he’ll never reach the level of healing that I’ve found, makes me a bit sad for him. But that’s it.

And something I never expected, was seeing my sister-in-law with a new clarity. I now see so clearly why some of her actions in the past left me confused. I see where she carries pain in her own heart, and the fears she carries. I understand her now in a way that I never did before. In fact, while we were in the same house, I intuitively and unconsciously picked up on so much of her stuff that I was not myself for most of the time I was away. It sucked.

But it actually helped me let go of attachment to the cottage we were staying in, our family summer cottage. The cottage our family has owned for three generations, that I’d always held so near and dear in my heart. The cottage my brothers and I now share. It could burn to the ground and as much as I would be sad, it wouldn’t cut a big hole in my heart, as it would have, prior to this past August.

Healing attachment to people and places means a sort of freedom. When emotions that used to come up, no longer become activated, it brings freedom to act differently. When an action – reaction relationship has been dissolved, it’s felt as more peace and calm in the heart. Wanting and longing are gone. (I finally understand Buddha).

For me, my system hasn’t found its new normal yet in regards to my relationship with my older brother and his wife. I still have moments of anger that I don’t act on, and fleeting moments of sadness for what never was. But these moments are becoming less and less frequent.

With Thanksgiving coming, followed by Christmas, thoughts of family are up in my grill. And very honestly, I’d rather think of anything but my family of origin lately. I know in time these feelings with change. But that’s what it is right now. I’m hoping life will feel very different next year.

 

 

 

Life

Reaching, wanting, grasping for air.

Wanting what isn’t.

Searching for that illusive thing.

That illusive feeling of fulfillment.

Looking for something to fill the hole.

The chasm.

The chasm of need and want and empty.

We spend a lifetime feeding that need

with money, with sex, with shopping, with food

and with mind altering practices.

We take drugs, drink alcohol, smoke weed,

run and meditate.

We’re all looking for the same thing.

To feel good.

To stop the pain.

To stop the anger.

To stop the inner critic.

But there is no stopping

Because the more we resist

The more it persists.

The only way out is through.

Through the hunger.

Through the anger.

Through the sadness and pain.

Until we come out the other side.

Into the light.

Into acceptance.

Into love.

Into ourselves.

And then we dive in again.

Searching.

Wanting.

 

Firestorms and Healing

Everywhere I look in the media lately, there’s a firestorm about sexual harassment and assault. Women are speaking up in droves. They are rising up in a chorus of no more. They are standing together and standing up together. And there are probably as many out there who have been sexually assaulted and harassed who can’t speak up or speak out yet. And may never.

I lived shrouded in extreme shame and secrecy for decades. In fact, I still don’t openly share my past with people from my youth because many of them know my attacker. He is my brother. And some of his friends from way back when are mine too. None of them are extremely close friends, but still.

When I’ve told people who know me, especially those who have known me for a very long time, it shatters a part of them inside. It shatters their perception of me. I become a victim in their eyes, and it brings pain into their hearts. For those closest to me, a lot of pain.

Because I’ve carried the pain for so very long, I don’t relish sharing it. I’m used to it and they’re not, is my reasoning. I’ve had time, therapy and healing work. They don’t have the toolkit I have developed.

A year and a few months ago, I wrote about how far I’d come with letting go of shame and monstrous amounts of anger I held onto towards my brother. I held this shit inside of me for far too long.

“How do you know that things in a relationship have healed? When you can think of the other person and you’re no longer angry, sad, frustrated, or want to kill them. When you can communicate through letters and you don’t want to reach through the ethers and throttle them. When you can have a phone conversation with them and you still feel ok. When the charge that was between you is gone.

With so much anger gone, when my brother called, we had a really good talk about all sorts of things. About messed up family dynamics. About healing I’ve done. About damage our mother wrought on us. And more. My brother sincerely apologized (not the first time) for what he did to me, for what happened to me. And I heard and felt it.

He is not some monster.”

And as much as the feelings of anger, shame, and resentment that I held in me for so very long have been healed, with Kundalini energy turned on in my body, it seems like everything I had healed is up for review again.

Kundalini takes my life and rips things apart, one by one. I takes the healing work I’ve done and brings up the next layer for me to heal. But this time, I’ve been picking up on unconscious misalignment of those I am emotionally or physically close to: my family and friends. I intuit their unconscious beliefs causing misalignment between their soul and their physical being. And as my energetic system intuits someone else’s belief (that also happens to resonate with me), my systems shifts merely with my picking up on it, and creates healing for me.

Basically, if I’m around someone who becomes emotionally reactive, when I resonate with them, my energy system shifts to create alignment. Whether I like it or not, want to or not. I become aware of the shift either as it’s happening, or after it’s happened.

Because of this, as much as I’ve worked through my own pain and discomfort about my childhood; about having been molested, this summer I intuited a bee’s nest of pain and crap from a family member who hasn’t worked out their own feelings, thoughts and beliefs about their own relationship with my brother and with me. And connecting energetically with them and their bags of crap took me out for more than two months.

With the recent firestorm in the media about sexual harassment and sexual assault, as much as yes, I’ve healed from my own past, the emotional fervor of the world is vibrating through my system, creating more changes in me. More alignment with my soul.

It’s taking me back to the raw and vulnerable state I used to live in. The state where I lived as a victim. Powerless. And it’s not fun.

The irony is, I absolutely no longer feel like a victim to the people who abused me when I was little. They hold no power over me. I can talk about my past without feeling any shame or blame or anger. And the only reason I haven’t shared my past with more people, is to spare their feelings.

If I don’t share my past with someone, it’s because when I do, I suddenly become different to them. Even though I’m not.

When I look at social media or watch TV, advertisements for news stories, and news pieces keep focusing on things that get a rise out of people: like sexual harassment and assault. Yes, I can turn off the TV and get off social media. But while my brain is rewiring these days, there are times when my brain thoughts are full of such shit and lies that being preoccupied by mindless TV helps me make it through the day.

There are days I can’t focus long enough to read or write, and if I go for a walk or do meditative activities, the endless streams of fear inducing thoughts that keep running rampant through my head, create a living hell. That’s when I need mindless distraction. Even sleep doesn’t bring relief.

So, as much as I applaud victims of abuse for standing up, reclaiming their power, and sending out the message of, “No more!”, I won’t be out there in person, in public any time soon. I won’t be making a grand announcement on Facebook about my past sexual abuse.

But I write about it here. In this little space I’ve created. And I invite conversation.

 

 

 

Grounded

Much like my own mother, there are times I find myself swinging in the wind, floating on the breeze or being carried off by a storm. The mind swings forward, fretting about the future, second-guessing the past, and lashing out at the present. As much as I think about the future and try to control it, I can’t. And as much as I might have wanted to do things differently in the past, I didn’t. And as much as I sometimes rail against myself and how things are in the present moment, I know it’s just a part of me, a small voice from my past, that’s rising up, crying to be heard.

In the world of spirit, time doesn’t really exist the way it does here in the physical world. I’ve read, from people who have died and from mediums who contact the dead, that when we exist as pure energy, everything happens at once. Time isn’t linear and sequential the way we experience it. When Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor had a stroke and the left side of her brain shut down, she experienced this shift in her perception of time (and her perception of the not so solid physical world).

Pondering the idea of time, and having read some works written by spiritual masters, it’s pretty easy to see that the only time that’s real is now. And even that is already gone.

Getting too hung up on the past and the future sometimes bogs me down so much that I struggle to put one foot in front of the other. That’s when I know I’m not grounded.

To me, being grounded is a state of being connected energetically as fully into the physical world as possible, being so completely present in the here and now, while knowing that I am also the energetic spirit that lives my body. It’s accepting that I’m a physical human being and being ok with all of that, at the same time knowing I’m also an amazing, sparkly, unconditionally loving soul being.

FYI, in case you’re wondering how to get there, just know that it’s not really a destination in the sense of a place you get to and stay. It’s more of a place we visit, and with healing work, I’m able to visit here more often. Happens for people who meditate regularly, I’ve heard.

The more I accept myself as a human being, with all of my “faults” and “imperfections,” the more of my spirit energy inhabits my physical body. Healing work has helped me let go of blocks I’d set up in my body, and opened up the flow of my own healing energy.

One of the most healing moments I’ve ever experienced was when I knew that in every moment of my life, I’ve always done the best I could. Given my state of mind and state of being, and given my age and state of maturity at the time, given every circumstance around and within me, I have always done the best I could. How do I know this? Simple. I’m alive.

The game of life is about being alive, when it comes down to it. Every single anger, sadness, frustration and fear I’ve ever investigated (using hypnosis or meditation), when traced back in my own unconscious mind, emanated from being afraid I was going to die. To no longer exist. If I die, the game of life is over. I know that every decision I made that wasn’t in alignment with my heart, and every thought I held onto that became a negative belief in me, was done so to keep me alive.

In seeing this dynamic that plays out in every single human being, seeing that I broke my own heart, I was able to forgive myself for every time I was not loving, for every time I hurt someone, for every time I closed off my heart to myself by creating beliefs of less than.

Forgiving ourselves for all of our less than loving moments, for every time another person’s feelings were hurt in response to our actions or feelings, is one of the most grounding things a person can do. Suspending judgment that things in the past should have been different, is freeing.

We all know that things in the past could have gone differently if we’d made other choices. But I can speak from personal experience in saying that there are many times in life when we feel like we have no other choice than the one we pick. It’s easy to Monday morning quarter-back ourselves and others, but “shoulding” on ourselves is not helpful. It does nothing but perpetuate internal pain.

Yes, I’ve look at patterns in my past and vowed to make changes, vow to be different. And then I made the same choices over and over. This is where healing work shines: illuminating the “why” I made the choices, enabling and facilitating change.

A half-dozen years ago, I was sitting in a class of about six, imagining a cord that connected my first chakra (an energy center in our lower body) to the center of the earth. I pictured a rope that extended from me, and wrapped around the molten core of our planet, securely fastening me. Anchoring me. Grounding me. (Here’s an article that describes the basics of grounding.)

Connect your energy system to the earth’s energy.

I pictured energy from the earth coming up through my feet and legs, through my first chakra (pictured above), and sent stress and unpleasant thoughts down my grounding cord, back to earth where it was taken care of for me. That was basically my Grounding 101.

Since then, not only do I still use this imagery (and more) in meditation from time to time, but because of letting go of thoughts, beliefs, and feelings that have kept me swinging in the wind, floating on the breeze or being carried off by a storm, my every day existence is becoming one of being increasingly grounded into the present moment by default.

That’s what healing does.

It’s a process of forgiving myself for every moment I’ve acted in a less than loving way. It’s remembering that my soul chose to have this physical experience, and all that comes with it. It’s finding ways to let go of hurts from the past so I don’t keep re-experiencing them.

It’s a process of opening my heart again and again, allowing all of the bits and pieces and fragments of my past to be accepted back into my heart. Allowing all of the parts of myself that stand outside of my heart, back in.

It’s ultimately a process of self-acceptance. Of my very human self. A continual, ongoing process of remembering that I chose to be human for the experience of it all.

Hanging On

The past few weeks have been exceptionally crazy. I know it’s hard to believe that things could get any crazier around here, but they have. With the media in a frenzy because of our President’s inappropriate responses to recent mass devastation, and Hollywood outing another sleazebag, my system has been maxed out.

Kundalini energy has my system cranked open to the energies around me and around the country. To the hundreds of thousands of women and men speaking up about having been sexually assaulted or harassed, #MeToo. And to all the people are up in arms at the lack of response by our President to the devastation in Puerto Rico.

Emotions are running high every single day.

Adding to the circus of fear, anger, shame and blame that’s running rampant, my own life is stressful enough simply because of the physical and emotional stressors of being rebirthed from the inside out.

Every once in a while, during this Kundalini awakening process, I’ve had exceptionally triggering moments, when I’ve intuited another person’s fearful emotions and run them through my body’s energy system. Last week this happened to me two times in as many days.

When this happens, it creates extreme healing. So extreme that my body dumps vibrations that resonate with the other persons fears, shifting my energetic field. After the shift, while my brain rewires and my body’s system recalibrates, life is a living hell for a while. Revisiting anger and fear filled victim consciousness, sucking away power, self-confidence and groundedness.

Mental anguish, physical discomfort and extreme exhaustion that’s not mitigated by sleep. And sleep that’s neither restful nor restorative, filling my mind with wonky dreams that stay with me well beyond waking. This was most of the past week, rolling through today.

Lots of tears. Walking around like a zombie. Doing only what I absolutely must (which unfortunately was too much because of my husband being away for work). And coping skills in full swing.

As uncomfortable and unfun as life has been, I remind myself that this too shall pass. This I know.

 

Love and Fear

During a hypnotherapy healing session last winter, my higher self let me know that the cycle of life begins in love. I see life as a dance between allowing and resistance. Love and fear. Do we push against what is, or can we simply allow it to be? As creative and curious creatures, it’s our natural inclination to want to do things. To fix problems, and change our world. To make things better. There are times when life seems to flow easily, and other times when, in order to move forward, we push ourselves or others. Knowing when to resist and when to push is something that takes practice and experience.

Sun Break

Where I live, the winters are so gray, wet and dark that when the sun comes out, even if it’s for a few moments, it’s a thing. And it has a name. It’s a sun break. And when they happen, everyone takes notice. Seriously. This makes the evening weather news.

Even though it’s autumn and we’re heading into the wet, dark time of year here in the Pacific Northwest, my personal journey has been putting me through some of the most mentally and physically challenging/dark months of my entire life.

Times when I’ve had absolutely no energy to do more than crawl out of bed to relieve myself. And months of general exhaustion. Times when I couldn’t sleep. And times when, upon waking, I wasn’t even sure I’d slept because my head was so messed up.

Times when I couldn’t eat for several days, forcing myself to eat something to have the smallest amount of energy. And times when food cravings wouldn’t leave me alone. Times when after a sudden, extreme, energy release, my body’s tissues became inflamed for days, leaving me in all sorts of discomfort or pain.

There have been days, weeks and months of not feeling like myself, having a fuzzy, muddy head, unable to think normally. Thoughts going awry, like a runaway train going down all sorts of rabbit holes. And having my ability to make decisions and my memory go to pot, struggling for days to remember the simplest thing for even a moment.

I’ve gotten a peek into what I imagine it’s like to have Alzheimer’s, trying to remember what day of the week it is, and instead of thinking to look at a calendar, having a minor panic attack because I couldn’t even remember to check my cell phone or newspaper or a calendar. All I got was a big blank. A black hole of nothing. And then panic.

I’ve gotten glimpses into what it’s like to have a brain that doesn’t work seamlessly, dropping vocabulary and the ability to complete a thought before it’s gone. And glimpses into what it’s like to be betrayed by my mind, becoming fear-filled, anxiety-riddled, and easily overwhelmed when I’m usually a confident and capable person. Or appearing callous, when the reality was that my emotional “reaction” button had been dissolved.

There have been days when I felt so badly and so messed up that the only relief came from sitting and crying. Worse days were when I couldn’t find any relief. I couldn’t even cry. All I could do was hold on and wait for time to pass.

Thank goodness for Netflix and binge-worthy shows that kept my mind distracted so my wonky thoughts wouldn’t betray me for a few hours.

The worst days were when I lost faith. Faith in myself. And the scariest day was when my wonky brain caused me to almost end my suffering, permanently. Someone, something stepped in and stopped me from taking action. They/it put the word “Help!!” in my head. It was all so fast.

Going through a Kundalini awakening has been rebirthing me, rewiring my body and brain. It’s been a hell-ride, with all sorts of changes happening inside of me. Extreme change/healing.

Just today, I realized that I’m beginning to feel a little bit better, with more moments of focus and clarity. And it’s happened more than just one day now. It’s been two in a row! Sun break!!!

It hasn’t been all day yet, but I’ll take a sun break when I can get one. My body/brain is beginning to work in sync with my new energy field.

With each and every shift in my energy field, my physical body has to catch up. Energetic shifts are instantaneous, but it takes time for cells to divide and for new physical pathways in the body and brain to work. For my physiology to mirror my energy field. And during that time, all I can do is TLC for myself and hang on. Even though my physical energy tank is perpetually low lately, it’s beginning to perk up a little bit. I’m making tiny steps forward in life again.

These days, my perception of myself is a combination of my soul energy and my physical body; this body being a physical representation of part of my soul. And I see my life as the dance between my soul’s wishes and my human experience. They are inextricably intertwined until my physical death. And what my life looks like and feels like depends on energy flowing through my physical body. The more easily life force energy can flow through my soul, through my body, the more easily life flows.

All of this Kundalini energy and action: extreme healing, has been changing how I see the world, how I feel about things in the world, creating a compassionate lens of perception that will be permanent and full-time (as far as I can tell at this point). And it’s been reclaiming intuitive capabilities as I’ve been reconnecting with my soul’s energy. The intuitive journey has been amazing.

I think the best part of all this changing is wanting to participate in, instead of avoid, this thing called life. It’s also about having greater clarity in general, knowing that my life’s unique thread is helping to weave the great living tapestry of the world.

It’s been a very long time since I wanted to be here. And I’m beginning to feel like it’s good to be back.

Still Struggling

Having a Kundalini awakening ain’t for sissies.

The ebb and flow of experiencing the extreme healing action of Kundalini energy flowing through my body, goes on.

I recently returned from being away for two weeks. My family and I traveled across country, east, to a seasonal summer cottage that overlooks the Atlantic Ocean. This is a cottage that has come down through the family, inherited four years ago by me and my siblings. It’s a very old, small house with a killer view, and when I was growing up, was a place where I ran free and wild during our summer vacations.

My love for the ocean was born there, spending time rowing, sailing, motoring, and swimming. And after college, when I was trying to find direction in my life, it was my home for seven summer seasons while I worked on boats. It has always been a place of peace and freedom for me, where a piece of my heart will always reside.

As challenging as the past several months have been, there have been more than a few moments when I regretted planning this trip, not sure that I would even be up to all of the mental and physical aspects involved in traveling across country. With the intensity of healing that I’m going through, there have been weeks that I have barely been able to function, spending days in bed and soaking in a tub, sometimes unable to eat or sleep for a few days at a time.

With the advent of my molester brother and wife moving across country, to within driving distance of the cottage, they wanted to reconnect with me. It had been since my mother’s funeral that we’d actually set eyes on each other, and since that time, feelings had gotten hurt, and my sister-in-law found out about the big secret.

Our relationship has been a major source of pain in my life, and it’s only in the past few years that I can think of my brother without becoming enraged. And when we talked at one point this summer, I told him about how much I had healed from our childhood, and mentioned that I could see him at some point, talking about the possibility of it being while I was at the cottage with my family.

But as the time drew closer, I was really struggling with some unexpected triggers that came up. And because of it, I suggested to my brother that we delay our reunion until next summer so I wouldn’t be such a mess (and so I might have a prayer of a chance of enjoying my vacation).

At the same time, I was trying to get caught up on paying bills before going away and asked my brother for his contribution to a joint account that pays for the cottage. For the first time in the four years that we’ve been co-owners of the cottage, all of a sudden, my brother wouldn’t come up with his full share of the contribution. So much for having an enjoyable vacation. I immediately became hugely triggered.

I could see the writing on the wall and decided that as much as seeing them would put a crimp in my vacation, I acquiesced and told them they could come stay for a few days. I figured that I’d have most of the processing done before I went there, and that by the time I saw them it would be ok.

I was wrong. The weeks before I saw them, they invaded my thoughts most of the day, every day and I was a mess. The first week of our vacation, I was absolutely not myself at all. While they were there, I was compassionate and detached enough to let all sorts of back biting and cutting comments that came flying out of my sister-in-law’s mouth and other things go. And in fact, I had a heart to heart chat with each of them. But even before they left, the shifts began.

I became aware of their disconnects and emotional pain and began to process it through my body and mind. And even since I’ve been home, I’ve been an exhausted, disconnected wreck.

I am reliving feelings of hurt and betrayal from my past. I am reliving the shame of being secretly locked away when I was pregnant, and the anger of having my perfect teenage body ruined. I am reliving feeling used and bullied because I allowed these two to invade my family’s vacation, knowing full well I would become affected. I am reliving feeling victimized all over again.

I am reliving decades of rage. And it’s been really hard to not take it out on my family.

I had no idea how much shit would get stirred up, and how much it would fuck me up again. As much as I know this is a process, and I know these feelings will pass, I really resent being put in a position of feeling like I still have to keep my mouth shut about this whole fucked up family stuff. I resent feeling like I still need to keep a secret that has done nothing but hurt me since I’ve become an adult.

Not only am I reliving feelings that I thought I’d put to bed, but my intuition has been on fire and I see all of my brother’s and his wife’s painful disconnects and dysfunctions. Spending a few days with them, watching how they relate, was quite frankly, very painful.

Since being home, it’s been an extreme rollercoaster of crap, and I’m still trying to muddle through. One day I feel better, and the next I’m out flat, until whatever it is rises up, I have a good cry, and begin to feel better again.

I look forward to when I can get off this ride and coast for a while.

Right now, the only wisdom I can share is the sweetness I know I’ll feel when so much of this shit and muck is behind me. Life is simply about experiencing life, with all of its up and downs. And the larger the contrast, the sweeter the experience.