What I really wanted to call this post is, “Channeling Other People’s Crap.” Because that’s what I’ve been doing for more than a year now. Just before Kundalini energy opened full-force in me, I’d been doing healing work on myself. That’s it. I’ve never been a spiritual seeker, and have never had a meditative or spiritual practice. All I’ve ever been interested in is healing pain that would occasionally pop up in my life. And what I’ve done for the past seven years, has been studying energy healing and working with healers.
I not only learned pain could be healed, but discovered some really effective ways to do it by working with healers. As I did this work, when I used hypnosis, I saw unconscious beliefs within me cause pain, I saw why they were created, watched as they were healed, and intuited spiritual wisdom as part of the process. I downloaded spiritual knowledge and got a hell of an education about the human condition while I let go of my pain.
Over the course of healing a lifetime of pain and disconnection (and then some), I reached a point of being able to walk through the world with an amazing amount of peace in my heart on a daily basis. When people around me were triggered into emotional upset, I wasn’t. When I re-experienced situations that usually triggered my own emotional upset, the triggers were dissolved – gone. I specifically healed many.
And as I healed, I began to reconnect my head and heart. The disconnections we all create simply because we’re human, began to disappear. The two biggies being trust in the world and trust in myself. Those become fractured in childhood as a condition of being human.
I saw the seminal moment when I was a toddler and lost faith in the world; and healed it. I saw the seminal moment when I was a young child and lost faith in myself as an individual; and healed it.
It was amazing to be in the flow of life so often. To flow with life so effortlessly, much of the time. And to know that when I needed something, I would be directed to it, or it would be brought to me when the time was right.
And then I experienced another awakening. My consciousness shifted. Big time. I saw when it happened (during a hypnosis session). Since then, I not only see the world through different lenses, but am no longer healing only my stuff.
It’s like, the Universe recognized that I’d healed enough of my own stuff, that it was time to jack me up to a new level. One where in some sense, I’m starting over, feeling like I have no energetic boundaries again (after having very specifically healed personal boundaries). My heart is so very open. And because of it, I’m unable to stop taking on the energetic disconnection of those I’m close to when there’s resonance in me. And yes, there is a deep level of resonance with certain issues. Issues that everyone shares at a level of mass consciousness.
What’s frustrating is, I’ve already done “my” work. At least that’s how it feels. I’ve already healed the crap that was created in my own life (and several past lives). Yet, I’m intuiting crap from people around me. People I deeply love and care about. And it’s getting healed. Again. And it’s deep. Very deep. And intense to process.
It’s an extremely painful and difficult process, yet the wisdom and healing that’s resulting is unparalleled. You can’t buy this stuff.
A year ago, I reconnected with some family I hadn’t seen in five years. Since my mother’s funeral. During those five years, one family member, who I used to be very close with, had her feelings hurt badly. And it was important for she and I to reconnect and heal. While we were together, one of her issues rose up suddenly, and I intuited her thoughts, thinking they were mine… at first.
“This is not my house.” The thoughts boomed through my head. A moment later, in the privacy of my bedroom, a torrent of tears came, in release.
I unexpectedly let go of the belief that this summer cottage belonged to me. This haven where I not only spent every summer of my young life, but lived for a good chunk of my twenties. Before that moment, the cottage meant the world to me. It was one of the places I truly felt was home. As much as I’m only a co-owner of the cottage, I had a significant heart connection to it.
It took until the next day for me to figure out that I’d completely picked up on this family member’s unconscious belief. I very unconsciously and unintentionally tuned into it, and because it resonated with me, it was instantly healed in me. Not in her, but me. She (who is not an owner of the cottage) still holds this belief. Yet I’m now 100% aware that she lives with this belief tucked away deep within her.
This same thing has happened a number of times with those I’m close to. If I share a strong connection with a person and their unconscious beliefs become activated (ie, they get upset about something), if there’s any resonance within me, my energetic system will begin ringing out, and instead of my becoming upset along with them, healing is instantly created. I’ll experience a very deep energetic shift within me that is beyond my ability to control. I can’t stop it and don’t know when it might happen.
A year ago, it was all I could do to find a private place to let go of the tsunami of tears that burst out of me, before the dam broke. People get really upset when you bawl in front of them. I had to explain over and over to my husband about the difference between being upset and having a deep emotional release through crying. He still doesn’t really understand and gets upset, so I hide it from him. My son too. If he sees me upset, or sees I’ve been crying, I remind him that I’m not sad or upset. It’s just a release. And I remind him to try to not take it personally as he’s done nothing to upset me. It’s hard for my family to see me struggle. They’ve never done healing work, and frankly, aren’t really interested in it.
These days, because I’ve healed a number of things that my family lives with (as they became emotionally activated, I picked up on their crap and healed it), I’m aware of their stuff on a higher level. This is stuff that everyone lives with. The disconnects that all human beings have, like “We always hurt the ones we love.” I’ve not only healed this in me, but I also understand why we do it. The wisdom was downloaded into me as it was healed. Bam! A new level of awareness was created. This is ascension.
Issues relating to relationships, abundance, health, life and death, and time. The whole nine yards. I see life differently now. I understand life from different perspectives because of picking up on other people’s disconnects. And because of healing my family’s disconnects within me, I can now hold space for them instead of becoming upset right along with them. I can be a safe, nonjudgmental space for them.
As a human being, I have to say this awakening is a most difficult and uncomfortable rodeo, and lately, it beyond sucks. It’s one of those things when sometimes I’d rather be done with this life than have to endure more of this shit. But even those moments are eventually released.
All of those expressions that people love to hate are now my reality. “That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” “God only gives you what you can handle.” Until you’ve been through hell and back, you can’t appreciate these sayings.
When you’re still going through hell, they’re not always helpful to hear. And I constantly remind myself that this awakening is a process. Life won’t always feel like hell. And as much as it’s still very uncomfortable every day, it’s not all day long. And it’s not as bad as it was a year ago. One day, I’ll wake up and will feel like me again. The new me. I won’t wake up feeling this internal pushing against myself that is so uncomfortable and so not me. And I won’t always wake up exhausted from processing so much stuff all night long.
One day I’ll stop channeling other people’s crap and healing it. Or it will eventually happen so infrequently that I’ll be able to become fully integrated before the next shift happens. One day, the amount of inner change will slow down so I can feel grounded again.
And that will be an amazing time.