Spontaneous Healing

With life happening and my system not being “normal” thanks to Kundalini energy, something that had been held deep down inside had been fermenting, churning, and bubbling, seeping upward within my consciousness. It festered like a boil, until recently when the right combination of pressure building up mixed with a trigger that lanced it, sent emotional shockwaves rocketing out of me. As my energy field shifted, a phrase shot through my mind letting me know what had just changed.

Self-acceptance.

A belief of the lack of self-acceptance has been running rampant in me lately looking at upcoming events through a lens of negativity. With this belief activated lately, it’s made me focus on what’s wrong with those around me. Focus on their life challenges, their diagnoses, seeing them in a negative light. My usual optimism has been scarce while this goes on. It’s made me look through judgmental eyes much more than normal.

I recently went down a rabbit hole of videos, looking up things to help my son during his upcoming school year, segueing from an ADHD coach who uses Vipassana meditation to quell anxiety, to spiritual videos about healing. Then I hopped over to a tribute to the late Toni Morrison and a book club discussion of her first book, The Bluest Eye. During the discussion of the main character, who wanted to have blue eyes and fair skin so she’d be loved and accepted like the white girls, the book club participants shared painful stories from childhood of times they weren’t accepted because of how they looked.

I got to thinking about when I was young and was called four-eyes for wearing glasses or bullied because I was painfully shy. And I remember thinking I was fat – and that if I weren’t fat, I’d be better. Everything would be better. Anything that was wrong in my life was because I was fat. I didn’t think of myself as attractive, and especially not when teen years brought on acne and boobs that were too big.

All sorts of things about my appearance that hadn’t been acceptable when I was young came to mind, and I don’t remember specifically what it was in the video, but something deep within flashed and emotion roiled, bubbling up with tears. I let it happen because I was mercifully alone at the time. I allowed the pain that had been trapped deep inside for decades to let go and emote as I had a releasing sob. It was then, the phrase “self-acceptance” hit me.

As the part of me who couldn’t accept my differences shifted and her stagnant energy began to flow again, she has been reunited with the larger whole. Because she was a significant part of me who was wired in when I was quite young, the wiring that grew from her has been quite significant as well. And with the sudden release of the root belief which is now gone, my consciousness is shifting and changing again.

The aftermath is a mind that is struggling a bit, ungrounded, reexperiencing a shit storm of thoughts echoing the old judgmental belief, yet fading over time. And a body that is tender here and there, and tired. Time for self-care. The next few days will likely be a bit of a blur.

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Noticing More Progress

Just about two and a half years ago, during the month of February 2017, while I was using hypnotherapy as a healing tool, I experienced a major shift in consciousness. The shift seemed to be a green light for Kundalini energy to open and begin an intense process of creating deep inner change. The process has not been gentle or easy, yet I can see a lot of grace in how it’s all gone down.

Last winter the Universe conspired to connect me with a new hypnotherapist who I’ve been working with on average once a month, and after each session, I’ve noticed progress. It’s been gradual and at times subtle, but definitely there.

Kundalini energy has been forcing things within me that don’t resonate with Unity Consciousness – so basically things that bring up emotions like fear, anger, grief, and so on – to come up and be healed. Much of what’s come up has been triggered by people around me; picking up intuitively and often unconsciously on my family’s stuff. And one of the fascinating things I’m seeing is how my perception changes after each healing session. They literally shift my consciousness.

Some of the major challenges of my awakening has been integrating the energetic shifts in my mind and body. I’ve been really tired to downright exhausted for most of the past few years, and have had a lot of mind fog and what I call squirrel brain, where it’s hard to keep my focus.

I’m generally pretty much a book worm and an information whore who loves to learn about things like energy healing and consciousness by reading, watching video interviews and listening to podcasts. The thing is, when you can’t keep your focus on something for more than a minute, it makes things like reading and watching hour-long interviews torture. I imagine this is what it’s like to have Attention Deficit Disorder. It also makes writing coherent thoughts a huge challenge.

I had a healing session a little over a week ago, and what came up was actually something I addressed almost a decade ago during a session, but at another level. More information came through for me, and since the session, I’ve been doing a tad better.

My ability to focus and be present, and not be taken over by fear-filled thoughts has improved. I’m not waking up every morning with all sorts of thoughts of dread and paranoia running through me, thoughts I acknowledge as not my truth, yet experience anyway. And with a better state of mind, I’m able to have more conversations with my family, instead of having to hide out and keep silent. Just seeing or talking with them can bring up inner discomfort when I’m not very present- and that royally sucks.

With better focus, I recently realized I can watch a movie again and actually remember and enjoy it. My mind isn’t really normally focused yet – I don’t really feel like I’m all here at times – but it’s improving.

Last night, I was thinking about how I used to have a drink or eat something when I didn’t feel well when I was stressed, and that it would mellow me out or give me energy. Or in the darkness of winter and constant cloud cover, getting sun really boosted my mood. But with how my body is now, my not feeling well, being tired, is absolutely not improved by having a drink or “stress eating”. And being in the sun has very little effect. It’s really weird.

I look forward to even more progress in the coming months, and one day feeling like I’ve come out the other side of this incredible metaphysical metamorphosis.

I Broke Her Heart

In order for me to fly free, I had to shatter the illusion held by a family member. She thought things were going to be like the good old days. She thought all was forgiven and forgotten. She thought she was the queen bee. She was wrong.

She knows nothing about healing.

I finally spoke my truth. I’ve changed a lot in recent years and she had no clue.

I tried to be as kind and as aware as I could, realizing I was bursting her little bubble of reality.

She thought I was going to forget about the past. I had to explain to her that healing means I’m able to think about the past without becoming triggered into pain, sadness, and rage until I’m debilitated by it. And one of the side effects of doing all the healing work I’ve been doing has been reclaiming memories. Unpleasant ones. Remembering and taking the sting out of the memory in one fell swoop.

And I shared a number of them with her to make sure she saw the pattern I saw. The pattern of years of dysfunction. She doesn’t know the boy. She only knows the man. The man she’s married to. I know the boy. The boy who got his power by disempowering me. The boy who just the year before meeting her had tried yet again to rape me. The young boy whose happiness and joy increased as my misery increased. The boy with no capacity for empathy who’s grown up to be a man with no sense of himself. I’ve moved beyond rage to pity him. And I still want nothing to do with him.

I shocked the shit out of her. I shattered her illusion. I broke her heart.

I did it as kindly and as compassionately as I could.

I spoke my truth.

Healing Another Layer of Abuse

One of the things my healing journey has been doing over the past two years has been revisiting issues I’ve worked on before, creating deeper healing. Healing issues at several levels at once, rippling out to mass consciousness. It’s not that I’ve specifically decided, hey! I want to work on abandonment issues. No. As I’ve needed to dive into healing work to figure out what unnamed inner resistance is coming up making my life a living hell and needs help to let go, the issues coming up from within are familiar.

When I first began healing work, things would come up from my past, usually from childhood and I’d heal them. I’d heal a moment in time, a singular aspect of my inner child. And eventually, I addressed issues that affected me at a number of different times in life, such as losing personal power or having my boundaries violated, and created healing to several moments. And a few times I’d unexpectedly pop back in time to previous lives. Boy were they surprises!

More recently, as I’ve healed issues, I’ve been able to see healing ripple throughout not only my entire life but to every life I’ve ever lived and beyond, to the world. And when I had another healing session recently, it was no different.

I’ve had several healing shifts happen because of vibing off other people’s stuff (where they are not in alignment and experience emotional triggering). When they were emotionally triggered, part of me who resonated would bubble up and would either automatically become healed, or I’d have to do some healing work to help them shift. The shifts have been so deep and profound that the mental and physical integration has been beyond challenging.

Inspired by recent comments from fellow blogger Stafford Art Glass, I’ve been thinking about whether or not there might be a part of me who is still acting out a belief I addressed a decade ago. A part who felt the need to “feel the pain of all humanity”. It would certainly explain some of the difficulty of my healing journey. In an attempt to become more like a pane of clear glass, able to allow others’ emotional garbage to flow through me, during my most recent healing session, I connected with higher wisdom to find out if any aspect of my old belief has been active. To see if I could create more healing.

Much to my surprise, when I got into the session and asked if the belief was still necessary, I heard a young voice speak up. She said she was stuck in time and needed our help to be freed.

She was young and was stuck, deep in darkness. Terrified. We built a bridge of light to try to reach her and brought in angelic higher love to help her feel better, but nothing was working. I couldn’t connect with her.

Me: I can tell she’s really scared. She’s scared to speak her truth because when she’s done it before, so much pain rained down on her. She’s terrified to speak her truth. (becoming emotional). It seems like lifetimes of really horrible stuff happened to her. It almost feels like she deserved it, but part of her knows she doesn’t. It feels like she’s so in the dark she’s having trouble accepting any sort of love or help or anything positive. (very emotional – crying) She keeps saying she doesn’t deserve it because “I’m such a piece of shit”. She’s terrified and is rejecting every bit of light that’s trying to help her. She just keeps saying no, you’re going to kill me. Like any bit of light will just kill her. She’s so far in the dark.

Hypnotherapist: Let her know the purpose of the light is not to kill her. It’s completely unconditional.

Me: (very emotional) I just told her that I love her. (sobs) She’s saying how can you? I’m so bad. I’m so evil – how could you possibly love me? And I said because you’re part of me. (sobs) She’s starting to be able to accept some of the love. I’m getting a mishmash of all sorts of images from lifetimes of her getting beaten. I can almost see someone with a big 8″x 8” timber hitting her over and over… (massive emotional release). The phrase “lifetimes of abuse” just came up. Every part of me who ever experienced abuse, whether it was as a child or an adult, everybody who ever felt abused, the part of them who felt they deserved it… that’s who it is.

Epiphany! A part of me who represented having been abused, not only in this lifetime but any other lifetime I experienced abuse, came forward. The reason she’d been stuck was the belief she deserved it.

With the epiphany and emotional release, I finally began to see who’d been speaking.

Me: I kind of have an image of her now where she’s come out of the dark. She’s about 12 years old, walking with her head down, coming out of darkness. She’s beginning to get her bearings. She’s starting to let go of the belief she had to feel the pain… (sob) that she had to feel the pain of all humanity (deep sobbing). It was all about abuse (sobbing). Lifetimes of abuse. The entire human race of abuse. But she’s shaking it off. I see her now and she’s 14 and looking stronger.

As she (I) spoke her truth, her age progressed.

Me: With each year she’s growing stronger and stronger and throwing off things from the abuse. The disempowerment, the victimization. She’s getting stronger and stronger and more empowered, and she’s calling out (very deep sobs)… she’s calling out to all the other little kids around her that have been abused. She’s reaching out her hand and they’re all reaching out to her. She’s saying come with me. You don’t have to be stuck there in the dark. Her body’s glowing with light, and it’s getting bigger and brighter, and it’s lighting up everything so everyone else who was abused can come to her light. She’s helping pull them out of it. Her aura is this big golden light, and it’s glowing bigger and brighter. I see all these other little ones, parts of me from every lifetime I’ve ever lived, reaching out to other people. She’s saying “Come on! Come on!” and they’re grabbing her hand and (more deep sobs) as they grab her hand, the light is going from her into them and they’re starting to glow too. It’s this big chain that’s spreading out further and further and further (sobs), and I see all these little kids that are holding hands, and they’re all glowing and getting really happy. But it feels like this was all so I could understand the dynamics of abuse, and how it affects people who are abused.

As we develop from babies into toddlers and learn we have control over our world if something happens that’s painful, we believe we’ve caused it. At that very young stage in our development, we don’t have the awareness of other people’s motivation. And as such, the belief of something being our fault, that we deserved the pain that rained down on us is created in our consciousness. When we experience painful things in life, even when we’re old enough to know we didn’t cause them, a part of us sings the song “I deserved it” deep in our unconscious mind.

Addressing this part of our consciousness is a huge part of recovering from abuse. And as much as I’ve already healed, having recently taken steps to separate from the brother who abused me, being able to speak my truth in new and big ways helped this part of me percolate and bubble up, able to be addressed and healed.

As I watched the part of me continue to progress in age…

Me: It looks like that part of me is now in her thirties. But something about having my son has stopped the forward progression. It looks like she got energetically socked in the gut. I see her slightly bent over and stopped. Something’s going on there. What is it about having my son? I heard… we had an abusive relationship once in a different lifetime, but this time we love each other (big sobs). It was to show me that just because I have an adversarial relationship with a person in one lifetime doesn’t mean there isn’t love between us at the soul level. (more deep sobs). It’s an experience our soul chooses to have.

Ok, it looks like I’m moving forward again.

And with that, the session moved into a much higher vibration as a mood of celebration came in. I saw my third chakra being worked on and being celebrated, complete with gold-flecked rainbows, music, cake, ice cream, and balloons. Soon thereafter, knowing integration was well underway, my hypnotherapist wrapped up the session and brought me back up.

What a lesson in abuse! Having lived through abuse at the hands of two family members and understanding it not only from their perspective (earlier epiphanies) but gaining a deeper understanding of why victims often take on partial blame, I feel this lesson is quite complete.

Healing Terror

Before my Kundalini awakening, I’d learned to recognize fear, anger, frustration, or other stuff in my life that kept revisiting, and I used healing sessions to address and heal it. But since I had a dramatic shift of consciousness just prior to Kundalini energy opening up, my body is reacting to other people’s stuff, forcing things I’m not even remotely aware of to bubble up from deep down inside me until like a gas bubble in my gut either I deal with it and heal it, or it causes more and more pain.

I was finally able to have another healing session recently and it was looong overdue. I can tell I need to do healing work when I’m so unbelievably disconnected from myself that most of my thoughts are dark, and I have so little energy I can barely walk a few hundred feet.

The tricky thing is, when my Kundalini Awakening began, part of integrating a deep energetic shift was waiting out changes in not only my physical but my mental body. For a while, as my brain and thoughts changed, I’d experience a barrage of dark, fear-filled thoughts that I knew were not my truth. I immediately recognized them as old wiring that was on its way out. For sometimes days, I’d observe my dark thoughts easily able to not act on them.

But now, it’s more difficult sometimes to recognize the difference between dark thoughts of integrating a shift in my energy field, and darkness I’m vibing off of from people I’m heavily energetically corded to, like family members. Darkness that’s come up needing to be released. After the cannon blast I recently received courtesy of triggering the living hell out of my man, the timing of my most recent healing session couldn’t have been better.

Before each hypnotherapy session, an intention is set. Because I’ve felt so ungrounded and tired, and because I’ve been feeling at the mercy of Kundalini energy roaring open full-blast every day making my entire system hypersensitive, I wanted first and foremost to feel better. And I wanted to have a relationship with Kundalini energy where I could connect with it. To have a conversation with it. To not feel like it’s running me, but we’re a team, in it together.

As my hypnotherapist did her thing to get my mind focused and my body relaxed, it was a little bit hard to concentrate. But sure enough, after a while, my monkey mind shut the hell up and the journey began.

One of the techniques she uses has me walk a path that leads to a door, and on the other side of the door is a room, essentially a safe and sacred space where the magic happens. As she directed me to put a key in the door and unlock it, the door wouldn’t unlock. No matter what I did, I couldn’t unlock it. This hadn’t happened before, but I recognized this as a form of inner resistance. A part of me wasn’t able to go through the door.

When I focused on this part of me, she said it wasn’t safe to go into the room. She wondered what was wrong with her that she couldn’t unlock the lock and finally asked for help to get through the door. As my hypnotherapist asked what sort of help she needed, she recognized the door as a door of fear. I became emotional as this inner part of me became very afraid and wanted help walking through the fear. Through tears she began to voice her fears, afraid she was going to lose it all if she walked through the door. She felt overwhelmed and afraid she couldn’t handle walking through the door.

I recognized that she needed someone to come into the session to love and support her, and we called on Archangel Michael. His energy is the strongest form of unconditional love I’ve felt. He personifies strength and protection.

Just thinking about him brought Archangel Michael in. When he communicated with the part of me who was so afraid, reminding her he’s the wind beneath her wings when she’s afraid to fly, tears of release flowed and my inner self began to loosen her grip on fear and feel better. He also reminded her he’s always there even when she forgets and when she doesn’t feel him.

As my inner self began to feel better, she hugged AA Michael and took on some of his energy. He reminded her there’s nothing wrong with her, and she has the power to fly when she wants to. (More tears releasing fear). I was shown images of her fear looking like a baby bird being kicked out of the nest before she’s ready to fly. AA Michael reassured her it wouldn’t be like that. It doesn’t have to be like that.

I saw an image of AA Michael holding a nest with my inner self curled up in it, incubating like a baby bird recently hatched but not yet ready to fly. He was completely protecting her and wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to her.

I noticed this part of me feeling a bit better as she leaned into AA Michael and said that she’d been burned before by life.

All of a sudden, something about the words “burned before” triggered a massive cascade, a dump of knowledge and an emotional release as my inner self sobbed, “The flame of Kundalini energy is way too big!”

Pressing my hands into my overwhelmed solar plexus, the voice of fear came out through intense sobs. “The flame is burning her up and she can’t handle it. It’s too much. She feels like it’s going to kill her. If it doesn’t kill her, it’s going to destroy her life that she’s worked so hard for, and she doesn’t want to destroy it. It’s too much and it’s gotta stop. It’s killing me. It’s killing me.”

As the fear spoke and my hypnotherapist calmed and soothed her, I eventually heard another voice over my right shoulder. It said, “Baby-doll, you know that’s not all true.”

“It feels like it’s true, but it’s not all true.”

“You can do this.”

As an overwhelming epiphany hit, I sobbed with a release so intense I couldn’t breathe for several seconds. I’d just realized the voice was the voice of Kundalini energy herself.

“She sounds like a woman and she called me Baby-doll. Really comforting and soothing. But not nearly as gentle as other energies, like angels. It’s not light or gentle but it’s very powerful. It’s very strong. (As more tears fell) A little too strong.”

My hypnotherapist asked since the energy is a bit too strong, who could help us with this.

Then Kundalini energy herself took a few steps back, backing off.

As I said, “It feels like the first time I’ve been able to…” Bam! Another epiphany hit with another release in a barrage of tears. It was the first time I felt like I had any control over the energy. The energy that cranked open without my permission and the energy that’s been making my life a living hell for over two years.

When I finally caught my breath, I explained to my hypnotherapist what just happened. “It’s the first time I’ve connected directly with this energy.”

And the energy replied, “And it’s long overdue. I’ve been wanting to meet you. I wanted to remind you of your power, your essence, the real you. Now that we’ve met, I can lay back for a while.”

She needed to push me to this breaking point where I could connect to her directly.

Kundalini spoke. “It’s ok now. I’m taking a little step back. And you’re going to be able to connect to me easily when you want to, and have some access to your energy again.”

It felt like she had to break me first, to help me break through the fear of it. There was a wall of fear and it’s gone. More emotional releasing as I held onto my solar plexus and looked to where the door had been… and it was gone. “The door (of fear) is gone! It’s completely shattered! There’s no need for a door! It disintegrated.”

I knew that Kundalini Energy and I were finally One, describing it using my hands. I held them up, palms together, fingers outstretched as if in prayer, but spread apart and interlaced, symbolizing the new unity between us. It felt like a new, young Oneness that I knew would grow over time. A relationship. A partnership.

Feeling like the tide had turned, instead of energy being constantly sucked out from my solar plexus, it feels like it’s now going to flow inward again.

My hypnotherapist asked about a few of the intentions set at the beginning of the session; wanting sleep to be more restful so I’m not so tired and having a clearer mind so I can function better on a daily basis.

I got the feeling these things will now come without having to do anything further. The being chronically tired and foggy was part of the build-up to “breaking me”. Creating the fucked up state of Being to get me here. Time will tell.

I turned my focus to Kundalini energy and could tell she was with me, sitting by my right shoulder. With attitude, she said, “Yeah Baby, yeah Baby!” As in, she’s with me. I laughed as the mood lightened. Then I saw images of sliding or sledding, sort of like a bobsled track. Images of gliding along (in life). “You got this, easy!” With a snap of the fingers, “Ok! Time to rock and roll! We’re out of the gates! Let’s go!” More laughing.

Sitting with what was new, I was directed to “just be”.

Relaxing, my mind filled with images of dancing and partying, and someone sweeping the cobwebs out of what had been such a foggy mind. I got the sense there were a host of helper beings that were busy doing the sweeping and plugging my third chakra energy back in, and doing other things in the background.

Then I noticed a ball of colored light at my third eye, morphing between violet and indigo, the colors of my 6th and 7th chakras. It felt like those two chakras were coming back online as the cobwebs were swept out.

And then it felt like all my chakras were coming back online “properly”, not distorted. Returning to balance and alignment. I knew my heart chakra color was good as it popped online. Then my 3rd, 2nd, and first chakra colors all indicated that they popped online as well.

My energy field came back online, renewed and I knew my body would follow suit in time.

With that, my hypnotherapist began to wrap up the session by giving thanks to Archangel Michael and Kundalini energy. I heard Kundalini interject, saying, “Call me KK!” in a sassy, confident voice, not unlike that of RuPaul. As we both laughed, my hypnotherapist continued, expressing gratitude, reinforcing the new changes, and she brought me back up.

Reflecting on the voice of fear that came up, I now see that it absolutely resonated with my husband’s activated fear just days prior. Fear bringing up my own stuff, fear of losing my family because of going through a Kundalini awakening I didn’t seek out or intend to happen. It’s not been easy for my family to be around me. Although I know at a soul level the possibility for this awakening to happen definitely existed and is very purposeful, even if I’m not yet privy to the reasons why. I know in time all will become clear.

 

Down Again

Something I’ve noticed about my Kundalini Awakening has been a pattern of unconsciously picking up on my spouse’s, my son’s or other family members unconscious beliefs (the cause of their emotional discomforts), and then acting them out because I didn’t realize what was going on. It’s only after I’ve been blasted in the gut as they get pissed off or meltdown that I seem to catch up.

Kundalini energy has been driving inner change, pushing my body to seek resonance with those around me, bringing my crap up, giving me no choice but to heal it. And I can’t stop it. It has to play out.

When my Awakening was new, it was much more obvious to me that I was picking up on someone else’s crap because the time from picking up on their unconscious belief and having my matching belief bubble up and shift (in an emotional release) was pretty quick. Initially, it happened within minutes. Then a few days. After my energetic shift, I’d feel like death for a number of days. And over several weeks begin to feel like me again.

After a few months, the energetic shifts came faster. Very deep shifts that resulted in changing how I saw the world. Deep shifts that left me barely able to function, as my body worked to catch up to my new energetic template. Often times wishing I could fast forward to the end of my life so I could be done with all the never-ending pain.

The process of becoming triggered by a family member’s own trigger has slowed but is still happening.

I live with a man who is kind, very sensitive, funny, caring, and who does whatever he can to avoid feeling his negative emotions because they can get very big very quickly. Anger flashes into deep rage. Feelings of abandonment and betrayal dump him into deep depression. And the recent outside possibility of having cancer, on the heels of a colleague dying from cancer caused unconscious terror to bubble up.

He’s one of these guys who doesn’t talk about his feelings. When and where he was raised, especially as a guy, it wasn’t ok to have or admit to feelings. It was a sign of weakness. He learned to stuff it all down deep and deny them. But energy doesn’t lie. Vibrations can’t be stuffed down.

Unfortunately, I’ve been so completely ungrounded and not myself that almost a month ago, I began to pick up on my man’s vibes of terror. But I didn’t recognize that my own thoughts were merely reflections of what I was picking up on.

Colored by my man’s vibes, my thoughts began to vibrate in kind. And they got very dark very fast.

Thoughts began to invade my mind like parasites. What-if’s and worst case scenarios pummeled me when I was overtired – and I’ve been overtired far too much recently.

The thing is, when I felt like myself and wasn’t an exhausted foggy mess, I knew my man didn’t have cancer and would be fine. This was MY truth. I already knew that yes, he needed minor surgery, but he’d be fine.

When my man’s vibes got into my head, I began to believe them, thinking his time on earth was going to end soon. And I got scared, and a bit freaked out. And I took action. I started to fixate on the possibility that I was going to be a widow in the next year or two at most, and panicked. Big time.

Not thinking things through, I communicated poorly to my husband about a few things, and he, already feeling huge pressure, lost it. Big time. Instead of having a compassionate, loving, and supportive wife, helping him recover from recent minor surgery, fear and stress were thrown onto his lap. As soon as he lost it, I realized I’d been acting out his unconscious terror, and accidentally brought it right up, severely triggering him.

I’d say it was a fucking stupid move on my part, but I couldn’t see it until my man blew up.

The moment he flipped into rage and fear, the energy vibed off me, hitting like a cannon blast to my solar plexus. It hit me square in the 3rd chakra. The gut. My body reacted and I spent the entire next day barely able to eat, sleeping a lot. I spent the day in bed oscillating between shivers and chills to hot sweats, feeling like absolute crap, both physically and mentally.

Since then, my body has been morphing, changing to align with its new energetic template. Aches and pains have popped up everywhere, and my digestion is off. I’m further from myself than I’ve been, waiting to return. In time.

And my man’s been treating me like the plague. And I don’t blame him. He doesn’t understand and I don’t think he really wants to. It’s not really his thing.

I’ll be doing some healing work soon, and I hope to God it helps me feel better. This one’s been a doozy.

Who Am I?

If you’d asked me who I was when I was a girl, I’d have said my name. Later on, I might have added that I’m a girl. And as I grew up I would have added more and more qualifiers. I’m a student, a musician, and a friend. And as an adult, I thought of myself as what I did for a living. That’s what we do. Every way we categorize ourselves is who we are.

And then I began to have metaphysical experiences that took me beyond labels. I experienced the incredible strength, power, and unconditional love that is my higher self; my direct connection to Universal Source, a.k.a. God.

During hypnotic regression, I experienced myself in other lifetimes. I’ve been not only female but male as well. And not only white, but black, and other colors in-between. And I even saw a lifetime when I was a reptile, a six-foot-long lizard.

So, even though I’m a woman, I’ve been a man. Even though I’m a human being, I’ve been a reptile.

Years ago, when I first began to get into healing work, when I’d say affirmations like, “I’m beautiful and powerful,” there would be an immediate internal pushback. A voice that quickly replied, “Bullshit.” So, I wasn’t beautiful, or powerful, or close to perfect in any way.

But as I worked on healing a host of emotional triggers in my life, I met that voice. The one who was always so negative and unhappy. I had no idea she was my orphaned inner child, and I had no idea the purpose she served. As we met during healing sessions and I heard her story of woe fueled by beliefs she created, I not only learned to appreciate her brilliance, but I helped her let go of her stories and beliefs. The ones that kept her trapped in misery.

As my inner child became happy, something very unexpected happened: so did I. As she began to know herself as sparkly, beautiful, clever, a survivor, amazing, and perfect, so did I.

And one day, my inner child flipped the tables on me and began to know herself as part of God. She recognized herself in the bigger picture of life. The drop of water in an ocean. The gold thread in the tapestry of life. The expression of life that is so very necessary and valued simply because she’s here. And so do I.

Who am I? I’m the eternal spirit, informed by lifetimes as different expressions of beings, currently playing the part of a middle-aged female who wears a lot of hats, and who loves to learn and write. I’ve got lots of stories to tell, but I’m not my story. I’m so very much more.

Bizarro World

While Kundalini energy is changing me from the inside out (a bit too fast) much of the time I feel like I’m living in a weird, unsettled, and mostly uncomfortable world. And then without notice, I’ll pop out of it, suddenly feeling like myself and seeing the world as I normally do. Things are calm. I can breathe again. It’s so crazy I can’t even begin to describe it (yet I try). The thing is, when things suddenly feel normal again, my brain doesn’t really react, so it takes a little while to remember that just an hour ago, they didn’t.

This happened yesterday afternoon.

In spiritual or energetic terms, I’m chronically ungrounded to the point that I don’t feel well. And along with that, everything I perceive is heavily clouded, colored, skewed. And I’m fully aware of it. I know there’s an inner unnamed discomfort that’s not me. I know the two halves of my brain aren’t in sync, working fluidly together, because my eyes get a little bit crossed when it’s really bad. I’m being rewired from the inside out, and much of the time it ain’t fun.

And then there are moments when I’m me again. Mostly. At least, my head feels like me again. Ahhhh.

But my body is still catching up. There is little access to my life force energy in terms of having physical energy to do things like walk very far, without muscles in my abdomen, hips, thighs, and back begin to scream at me as lactic acid makes me stop and rest a moment or two. And after a short rest, I’m walking again. Last week I had to stop and rest four times just to vacuum. And I didn’t even do the stairs or upstairs.

My poor doctor is at a loss. But I have to give her props because she’s checking everything on the physical level that could make me so endlessly tired. And she keeps asking me if I’m getting exercise, even by walking around a bit. She has no clue. She thinks if I walk more I’ll build up stamina and feel better. Which would be true if I were normal. But I’m not. There’s absolutely nothing “normal” about going through a Kundalini Awakening.

My truth is, because I’m so incredibly ungrounded and unintegrated, I can’t access my own energy. I experienced a much milder and short-lived version of this when I was doing healing work about four years ago and doing physical therapy while rehabbing a broken foot and torn tendon, for which I had surgery. I noticed the weeks I had a healing session, I had much less energy during PT. I’d even have to cut my appointments a little bit short. But the next week, I had lots of energy and walked further, and did more reps of my exercises. It takes time to integrate after an energetic shift.

As I become more grounded, and as my body integrates, I have more energy. Then, and only then can I move this body more.

Until then, it’s getting a lot of extra sleep and making sure I eat regularly so my tank doesn’t suddenly hit empty, causing a cascade of not being able to function. Reminds me of a baby, except I don’t whine and cry, I just crash and have to eat and lie down. I know this isn’t normal, yet it’s me for now.

Yesterday I was stupid. After spending the morning in a haze doing some things I had to do at home, I finally crashed and slept for a while on our sofa. (These are dead to the world, hour and a half to two and a half hour “naps”). Getting up, I felt a little more together and decided to run the errands I didn’t do earlier because I was so out of whack. My first stop had me walking in a local store, and by the time I got back to the car, I was physically exhausted. But sitting down for the 15-minute drive to the next store was restful.

As I was driving to the next store, a mega-store where I grocery shop, I realized I needed food. I should have had something to eat before I left home. But the hot case at the deli counter usually has some cooked chicken bites I can eat, which gives me sustained energy, so I figured I’d get some and then shop. I didn’t realize that because the store is going through a major, months-long renovation, not only is the deli counter temporarily moved, but there is no hot case right now. No quick and easy chicken bites.

At that point, my brain began to shut down and I couldn’t even fathom other options, like getting a few slices of deli meat. And I went on. My eight-cylinder engine went from functioning at around six cylinders, down to four and then two. Looking at my shopping list became so taxing I had to cross out items as I bought them just so I didn’t have to read the words and try to remember if they were already in my cart or not. I usually write my list in order of the store’s aisles, but I hadn’t. Which didn’t really matter because everything has been moved, and several things are only in temporary places. So trying to find many things I needed was an exercise in finding someone to point me in the right direction.

On a good day, it would have been trying. On a bad day, it would have been tiring and frustrating. Yesterday, it almost did me in. At one point, I was shuffling down an aisle, brain barely functioning, trying to find yet another thing on my list, and I almost sat down and cried. I was this close to giving in and losing it. But I didn’t. I found help to find what I needed. And as I checked out, one item on the list remained. I couldn’t find it and didn’t need it that badly.

By the time I was putting my groceries on the check out belt I was running on fumes. And by the time I got the groceries in the car, the fumes were evaporating. I’d bought a few things I could eat before hitting the road, and shoveled them in before hitting the road.

Once I got home, something about all the physical exertion, the food hitting my bloodstream, and finally sitting down helped my brain click. I felt like me again, and all was right with the world. It was like magic!

It’s excruciating to have a system that feels so on a razor’s edge every day. On a narrow tipping point between feeling well and not feeling well. Being able to think and function and not. Feeling grounded and centered and not. Having my energy and hunger signals more out of whack than they’ve ever been.

And I’m aware of all of it. So very aware.

 

Get Off My Back!

One of the things I use hypnosis for is to talk to my body. Our bodies speak to us symbolically using pictures and phrases, and once I’m in a hypnotic state, with my body very relaxed and my chatterbox brain quieted, focusing on my hypnotherapist’s voice I’ve been able to tap into root causes of physical pain and dis-ease and heal them.

My lower back has been cranky ever since I herniated a disc several years ago. I’ve done the route of physical therapy and cortisone shots, and I’ve also used energy healing to help back pain. This past winter, I gained a lot of weight and picking up on some stress recently, it was time to address some very upset, tight muscles that were causing my back to act up.

After being relaxed using an induction process, my hypnotherapist guided me to tune into my lower back and hip area. After a moment, a foggy picture began to come into my mind’s eye. I could sense someone grabbing my hips and violating me from behind. As I became very emotional, I recognized it was my brother. He was raping me. Upset hit me and tears fell as the young girl in me fought as hard as she could to get away. She fought so very hard, only to have her violator feel happy because of her struggle. The more she fought, the more powerful he felt. It was sick and twisted. She fought and fought until it was of no use.

I wanted to kill him; take his head right off. I can’t get him off me.

When my hypnotherapist asked what was needed to help this part of my body heal,  I knew my inner orphaned child needed to know how strong and brave she was even though she was terrified. More tears fell as I connected back in with her, telling her even though she was really scared, she did what she had to do in order to survive.

Asking for a way to help her feel better, I suddenly saw another part of my younger self come forward looking like a child dressed in a gladiator outfit, carrying a large, heavy sword.

from Google Images

Deep healing release of sobs came as she told me, “No one will EVER, EVER hurt you like that again. EVER!!” Then I saw her place a ring of armor around my body like a skirt, protecting from my low back down to my thighs, all the way around. Impenetrable armor. Tears fell as I knew I was finally protected forever, seeing images of attempts at being violated failing again and again, like a battering ram shattering against an impenetrable wall. People could try and try to violate me, but they can do nothing to hurt me in this way ever again.

A moment later, I suddenly saw my little warrior morph into a gigantic Archangel Michael. Feeling the overwhelming intensity and power of love that he brought, I sobbed even harder, barely able to catch my breath. He showed up so strongly, telling me, “You’re done with that. You don’t need to experience that anymore. You’re done. No more sexual violation.” I knew the people who’ve done it to me have no more power over me. None. They’re essentially out of my life forever.

I saw Archangel Michael standing tall and strong, holding a large spear as if to say if anyone tries to mess with me, he’ll take care of them. I’m protected forever. I knew this protection wasn’t something I had to do anything to activate – it’s permanently installed within me. I saw it ripple back through all time and forward as well. And then I saw time as a conical spiral, and the spiral turned to gold, representing an extremely high energetic vibration. I knew the healing affected not only this current life but all other lifetimes when I was sexually violated.

As I was directed to check back in with my body, I saw a protective skirt around it and depending on how I looked at it, it looked gold; carrying the energy of gold. My inner child had shifted quite dramatically, feeling really confident. She was a far cry from the terrified little girl she’d been only minutes earlier, now very sassy, confident, and happy, snapping her fingers side to side, with attitude as if to wave away anyone she didn’t want to deal with.

My hypnotherapist asked if Archangel Michael had anything to share with me. And as I looked to him, he winked at me, saying, “You know you’re awesome!” It wasn’t braggadocious, but rather confirming that I’m truly awesome and totally badass. Telling me to own it. He also said, “You got this!” And, “I’m always with you.”

With this aspect of my orphaned inner child brought back into the fold, she and I are no longer separated, but united as one.

It’s only been a few days since the session, and I’m still integrating the shift, but there is a new sense of lightness within me, and less physical discomfort. Sessions like these create a permanent shift deep within, changing how I feel about myself from the inside out. Creating more inner peace.