Here We Are Again

They say it’s darkest before the light. The overcast sky today matches my state of being. My mood. My physical energy. I’m surprised I got in a shower.

I dip my toe into spiritual videos, drinking in higher wisdom and virtually communing with people I resonate with, only to disconnect and live in my own mind and body. I force myself out for a drive, out on an errand. I force myself to interact with the world because it grounds me. I have to get out of the house and away from our place when my mind is an ugly shit-storm of crap thoughts I know are lies. Yet they fill my head.

I wish I could spill all the shit but the people around me would take it as my truth. The last time I shared, it sent the person I was talking with into a tailspin of anxiety. People don’t do well when I speak their unhealed crap they’ve buried deep down.

After waking up from a full night’s sleep, my mind is anything but quiet and calm these days. I’ve been given advice like, meditate. Go sit with your thoughts until they dissipate and quiet. But my world is inside out. Trying to sit in peace and quiet only allows the furvor to get louder. What helps is going out and interacting with the public, which is hard to do when I’m exhausted. I sleep all night and wake up exhausted.

Kundalini energy is the grand eruptor. It pushes and pushes. It stirs the unconscious mind looking for duality. What else is in here that can come up and be healed?

For many people, after several months or a few years of upheaval, their Kundalini energy settles in. They’ve integrated and resumed their new lives. But even my experience of Kundalini awakening isn’t normal comparing it to the handful of people in my area I know who’ve been through it. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be let off this tilt-a-whirl.

Just when I thought I was coming out the other end of what feels like a tunnel of intense healing, beginning to feel like myself again, it only lasted a few days. Since then I’ve been back on the train of squeeze, release, squeeze, release. The light at the end of the tunnel has been pretty dim again. But it’s definitely there. Just dim.

Maybe the repressed memory I accessed at the end of March, a memory of early violation that seems to have become a catalyst for healing more at that time of my life is the final major hurdle. I can only hope.

Before Kundalini energy opened I’d evolved from blaming myself for decades for being sexually violated to realizing I was truly a victim after finally entering therapy and becoming enraged at my abuser, to reclaiming my power and healing anger after working with a really effective hypnotherapist for a few years. In fact, I’d healed so deeply and learned enough about my abuser to feel pity and some compassion for him. All the anger was gone. And when all attachment to him left me in one moment, after going through steps to be completely free from him, I thought all was said and done with regard to that relationship. Almost two years ago.

So when more came up I was shocked. I thought I was done with this shit.

Dumped back into dredging up not just stuff from childhood, but going back lifetimes. Lifetimes I’ve danced with this same soul. Dredging up fear, pain, anger. Letting it rip during healing sessions, coming out the other side with more spiritual wisdom and clarity. Only to be followed by uncomfortable integration. And then still more stuff bubbling up, saying, “Hey! Wait for me! We’re not done here.”

The truth is because healing sessions are cathartic and bring through all sorts of spiritual wisdom that becomes part of me, I love them. Using hypnotherapy and being able to dive into discomfort because I’m separated from it, it’s easy to access my inner world. And after days of feeling off, feeling unwell, the release is so welcomed. I also love a good story. They are parables.

Today is a day for lying low. I’ll get a few basic things done around the house and lie low. There isn’t any energy to do much more. I have days when I’m just getting through them, like today. No fun. Only a week until my next healing session. My next release. And then six days, then five, then four, three, two, one, then ahhh! Sweet release and relief.

Are we there yet?

It’s so weird to have come so far, yet not have my outside match my inner world. Yet.

One day.

Pandora’s Box

I’ve learned through my own healing journey that we sometimes have things locked away in a box very tightly. And when we’ve discovered the key to the box, opening it not only creates healing but can be a sort of gateway to more. At the tag end of March, I uncovered (using hypnotherapy) a repressed memory of childhood trauma that had been deeply put away in a box I had no clue existed. So when the box was opened and knowledge of this experience came to light, I was very surprised, to say the least.

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One thing that came through loud and clear was my age. I was five. The other thing that came through loud and clear was what happened, which was called “the first physical violation.” That’s how I received it. In that session, only glimpses of details of the event came through, but what I saw quite clearly was a part of me completely shattering.

After the session, I worked with a few different types of healers to help integrate this part of me who became shattered when I was so young. And more came up and was healed. Even having those healing sessions I kept feeling inside there was more to the story. At my next hypnosis session, I needed to dive back in for more, which is just what I did.

And when I got into the session, the first thing we asked was what needed love, acknowledgment, and release. In a flash, I saw my inner child showing up like a little girl sitting in an old wooden chair, with her hand up. She looked really tired and began to speak.

“I’m done. I’m wiped out. I can’t do this anymore – it’s just too much.”

She was at the end of her rope. I’ve heard this voice many times throughout my life, and I got the sense she wanted us to find out where she began, the root of it all, so we could heal it. Heal the feeling of “I give up. I’m dead. I’m done.” The feeling of wanting to run away – “I’m out of here.” Complete and utter despair.

So we invited her to tell us her origin story. After all, she’s a bit of a superhero who’s been fighting to keep me alive for eons.

Her story began as a bright, shiny soul up in heaven who wanted to know what it was like to be a person. And she waited patiently for her turn to give it a try. She was so excited as she listened to wise elders talking about their experiences as different sorts of beings. (As the story came through me I began to get emotional). She’d had a few experiences as other types of beings and there came an opportunity to go to this planet called Earth, where everyone said it’s really extra-challenging there… especially if you want to be a human being it’s extra, extra challenging because you’re going to become disconnected in ways that other species aren’t disconnected from Source. You’re going to become disconnected in ways that animals and plants are not disconnected from Source. It’s really, really unique. And there’s no way to describe it. You just have to experience it for yourself.

Before committing completely to living a full life, she visited a fetus of her potential mother that wasn’t going to go full term. She wanted to “try on” the DNA to see if it would work for this particular plan at this particular time. To see if all the parameters would work, and they did. Just barely. Because she wanted to come in so badly at this time, despite knowing she might not make it, she went for it. There was something very special about incarnating at this time in history.

So her whole soul family and everybody gathered around and said she’s gonna need a lot more angels. She’s gonna need a lot more help. She’s going to need more support than she’s ever needed before because this one’s gonna be a squeaker by the skin of her teeth.

And yeah, those echoes of wanting to check out are going to be strong because they’ve taken her out before, but she’s one badass mother-fucker, and she’s doing it! But she knows that voice. She knows it very well. It’s taken her out probably more than a couple of times before… because she’s not afraid of pushing the envelope and trying the impossible. And being on the leading edge of creation. She loves to do that. Like riding the front of a wave.

And then I saw imagery of body surfing a wave, wiping out, tumbling and crashing, finding my footing, catching my breath, standing up knowing “I got this” and going on.

I know I’ve taken on more than I could chew in other lifetimes and ended up checking out early, and I’m here for the long haul on this one.

Reaching a good spot to pause, I checked in with my inner child. She was no longer exhausted and full of despair.

Looking over, I see the little girl sitting like she’s in school. She’s sitting wearing a dark skirt and a white blouse, sitting at an old wooden desk like I used back in elementary school. She said “Oh! I’m in the school of life and I just got another lesson. Thank you for the understanding.” And she showed me a synonym for the understanding, the information: a key. For her, it’s also literally a key that unlocks. She says it unlocks her heart. It unlocks stuff that gets blocked up in our heart. It’s the key that turns and unlocks and opens it, and it can be more open.

She’s showing me a ring full of keys, lots of keys on it. She’s showing me putting the key, an old skeleton key, in the lock and opening – it’s my heart opening. And as she “remembers” more from Source it unlocks more for her. She said, “I get it!” It’s the experience of unlocking the heart.

She’s telling me it’s a cycle – I can’t tell what’s before and what’s after because it’s not linear – but it’s the unlocking of her heart as things shift and are let go, which unlocks the pipeline of knowledge to spirit. She said, “Yup, I always thought that school was sitting and learning about stuff,” and she’s pointing to her head. And she said, “But the real school is finding the key, finding this key (as she holds up a key and puts it in her heart) and opening that.. whatever’s locked and blocked up the heart chakra. It’s just finding that key and receiving the spiritual download.”

Once this part of my inner child told her emotional story, had a big epiphany, and was happy again, I thought things were completed for the session. But when my hypnotherapist checked in with her to see how she was doing there was a tiny crumb of her that was still not doing well. Letting that tiny piece know there was no pressure for her to do or say anything other than to just be, it became clear that she needed to speak her peace.

And she did. She was really upset. Through her upset, she told me I’d fucked her up before. She’d done this “lifetime” thing before, being incarnated, only to have me kill myself sending her back to heaven, and this time she wanted to see things through. She didn’t trust me and didn’t believe me and began to call me a liar. “Liar liar, pants on fire!” I saw an image of a young child on the ground throwing a tantrum and didn’t know what to do. I told her I didn’t know about my other lifetimes and I was just doing the best I could, but she wasn’t having any of it.

Seeing that I was stuck, my hypnotherapist asked what the little girl needed. Did she need an apology? Yes.

The little one stood up and said, “I need an apology! You! You owe me!” At this point she was standing, hands on hips, really ticked off, looking right at me. Facing her, I was trying to apologize but a thick, clear wall stood between us. It looked like plexiglass about a foot thick. She kept saying I owed her an apology and I kept trying to get through to her but she couldn’t hear me. We were at an impasse.

When my hypnotherapist asked what the wall was about, I suddenly knew it was anger. Then more information began to flow in. It’s rage. Lifetimes of rage. Rage about getting fucked over… because I couldn’t see the whole picture. (As in, not having the spiritual perspective of things). A moment later the little girl finally said she needed to see more of what happened to her (when I was little). More of the bad stuff.

And what came up was seeing her brother, with a few friends around, pulling off her pants so they could all see what a girl looked like. He was showing off, trying to make himself popular.

I sensed it made the other boys uncomfortable when they saw how upset I’d become, but my brother wasn’t capable of empathy and was clueless. That part of me felt a bit like she’d been gang-raped. It was very traumatic.

The little girl spoke. “What did I do? What did I do to deserve that treatment? I just wanted him to like me. I just wanted him to play with me and he was so mean to me.”

As the little girl talked, higher wisdom began to flow into me.

While part of the brother didn’t understand he was hurting me, the other part of him really like it when he could get me upset because it gave him control over me. It made him feel powerful to make me upset. He didn’t really have empathy. By that time it was gone for him. It was gone. And then I heard… which was part of the (pre-birth) plan. For me it was mortifying, it was embarrassing, it was shameful… it was all the things. When I tried to tell I didn’t get any satisfaction. Either my mother wasn’t in a state of mind to parent, or she just didn’t care, or I don’t know what. She might have been depressed. She was, like, get over it. So… I got over it with my best friend, cookies.

Finally knowing I’d been holding onto lifetimes of rage, when I looked back to the wall it completely dissolved and disappeared. With that, the little one and I hugged as we were now reconnected. She thanked me and the entire spirit team for giving her the rest of the picture and higher wisdom giving her a new perspective. As she began to absorb her new perspective, she was pretty tired, but the longer I watched her, the more she perked up. She also began to age-progress, a sign of integration. At this point, we had reconnected and I saw her back in my heart.

Simultaneously I saw her standing by me in her early to mid-twenties, dressed as a 1970’s hippie flower power girl. She wore bell-bottom pants covered in large print colorful flowers with a matching top. She also wore big, round glasses with pink lenses. When I was in elementary school I loved the whole flower child and hippie thing and had a Rock Flower doll named Dawn.

I also saw a big sunflower. Bright and happy.

It wasn’t lost on me that women’s empowerment and taking care of the planet were a bit controversial when I was growing up, and they’ve been in the news again.

Winding things up, my inner child said, “Damn! I was trapped!”

It felt like she was locked away in a box, and we put the key in the box and it opened (like magic) and set her free. She’s thanking us profusely.

Thanks were given all around while what had just unfolded blew my mind. As complete as the session was, receiving Reiki about ten days later to help integrate my energy field allowed still more of this part of my life to come up. Uncovering the “first violation” seems to have been the opening of a Pandora’s Box of more and related healing.

And There’s More

Last month during a hypnotherapy healing session I very unexpectedly recovered a long-forgotten painful memory from early childhood. By the end of the session, the focus was on having been surrounded by earth angels for my entire life, and the part of my inner child who came forward was in a really good place.

But within days I could feel inside this little one wasn’t done speaking to me. Feelings of clarity and groundedness that I hadn’t felt in the past few years that accompanied her resurgence faded after three or four days. It was so amazing to feel like myself again, and frustrating to have it fade away. But it tells me I’m on the right track.

A few weeks later, working with a different healer the little girl in me came up again. After talking with the little girl, following an intuitive thread, she led me on a journey that brought light back into my heart, brought reconnection with that part of myself, and brought through some spiritual wisdom and knowledge about my life’s spiritual purpose. It was truly amazing and wonderful.

And as much as these sessions have healed and revealed, I get the very distinct feeling inside that there’s something else. Not quite something I’m missing, but rather something I’m building towards. Some larger, overarching inner reconnection.

Just a warning that this next little bit may be TMI hard to hear.

I’ve known my whole life that my older brother molested me when I was around thirteen and fourteen because I became pregnant at fourteen only months after getting my period. And I gave birth six days after my fifteenth birthday to a healthy baby girl who was given up for adoption. A few years ago during a hypnosis session, I was able to know that the raping began when I was not quite twelve. That had been repressed.

I’ve remembered a few other things my brother did to me by both spontaneously remembering an incident when I was around seven or eight, and by seeing in hypnosis when I was young enough to be in a crib standing up. The thing in the crib was more his being curious and a bully, purposefully hurting my hand and making me cry. The other thing was under the guise of playing doctor, but I didn’t want it. Back when I was little, the way to take a baby’s or very young child’s temperature was with a rectal thermometer. So my brother found a toy that he improvised as a thermometer and forced me to be his patient. He did this to a neighbor girl as well. The more uncomfortable and upset we were, the more he liked it because it made him feel powerful.

What came up last month was the first time I was physically violated ‘down there’. That’s the wording that popped into my head. The first physical violation. I was five.

What I saw in hypnosis was a part of me completely shattering, like glass. I fragmented into pieces and a big part of me completely checked out. And the healing I’ve been doing recently is helping this part of myself come back together. It’s not a one-session job – it’s taking a handful. And I’ve been using all the tools, modalities, and healers on this one.

I’ve had an intuitive reading help enlighten me about a few things, and received clues I looked into using hypnotherapy. The hypnotherapy session brought back repressed memory giving me a massive jump-start on healing this part of myself while bringing through spiritual understanding of my life’s plan. A massage therapy session a few days afterward allowed more releasing and heart opening. Working with an intuitive Reiki Master/ sound healer created some more healing to this part of myself and brought through more spiritual details of my life’s plan.

And I keep feeling like there’s more.

There’s something still brewing, wanting to come up like a boil needing to be lanced. I can feel it.

I’ve tried to see it in meditation and I can’t get full access, just a few flashes of memories. When it comes to bringing up pain from my past that caused repressed memories, the safest and most effective (and efficient) way I’ve found to heal it is through hypnotherapy. I’m able to connect with different aspects of consciousness like my inner child, my Higher Self, and guides and guardians, to see the past and create inner reconnection.

The fascinating thing when this lost memory first surfaced last month was that it’s a part of myself called Me. And what I’ve been feeling so often over the past few years has been feeling like I’m not myself. Like I’m not Me.

There’s a part of our personality that remains throughout our life that we feel whether we’re a little kid or in our eldest years – a part we know as ourselves. Sure, we grow and mature, but we’re always ourselves. And when I was violated at age 5, a chunk of Me disappeared.

As much as I now know part of my life’s plan was for this to happen, having it come back is proving to be both amazing and not so fun (at the moment). And this too shall pass. It will be interesting to see what comes of my next hypnosis session.

Kundalini and the Divine Feminine

Kundalini brings up the chaos of dancing with the Divine Feminine.

Chaos of wave after wave

Washing over

Cycling and tumbling again and again.

Cleansing, purging

Dunking me in the waters of the Divine.

Pushing me deeper and deeper

Until I’m out of breath and finally

Love bursts another bubble.

I pop up like a cork

Accompanied by renewed connection

With the Divine and Soul.

More information and wisdom splashes

From my lips.

And before long the tide shifts

Rolling back in

Deepening the water

Hastening the current

Swirling and pressure

As that which no longer resonates

Bubbles up from the mud and muck

Casting off shells that no longer fit

Unfurling in the light of day

Bursting and blooming my heart anew.

No shrinking violets here.

Vulnerability

Back in 2016 I’d reached a point in my healing evolution where through my hypnotherapy healing sessions I’d begun to know myself as divine and wanted a space to speak both through my newer spiritual lens, but also wanted a place to vent about things that can be hard to hear, hence the birth of this blog. A sister blog to Life’s a Journey… Not a Guided Tour.

Since then I’ve had a few posts here that I’ve shared with my Life’s a Journey readers. Cross over posts. But I’ve always tried to keep that blog free from things that can be hard to hear. Sometimes I’ll share what came up in healing sessions on both blogs but leave out some of the more uncomfortable details on the other site. It’s a place that’s perhaps easier to digest, where I share my love of photography from time to time and talk about mothering a special son.

The thing is, after so much of my Kundalini awakening addressing things beyond my conscious awareness, healing what sometimes feels like other people’s stuff that I just happen to resonate with, my more recent healing sessions have been directly addressing my childhood again. And what’s been coming up has to do with sexual violation, which is hard to hear about. Another lost memory recently resurfaced.

The thing is, what’s being healed is far beyond my childhood – it’s actually about part of the major reason for my birth and existence. What’s been coming up has to do with part of my pre-birth plan for this lifetime: being disempowered, being victimized, and reclaiming myself from the inside out. Healing not only hurt from my childhood but reinstituting feelings of self-empowerment. And knowing my soul wanted this crazy experience.

After reblogging my post about Earth Angels to my other blog, yesterday I began writing a post about mystics. A few people I follow on social media self-identify as modern mystics and I’ve been feeling like I do too. I’ve also been tossing around the idea of reading my posts out loud to give people the option of reading or listening, and as such pulled out my voice recorder and started reading out loud. I got about three-quarters of the way through the post and suddenly I became very emotional and just let go.

These days, when I’m in a contemplative state of mind, energetic blocks can spontaneously melt allowing what I think of as knowledge dumps (claircognizance). I experience emotional-energetic releases accompanied by my soul’s wisdom or knowledge coming forward. And I’ve had this happen when I was musing or talking out loud. Usually, it happens within the confines of a healing session, but not always.

The thing is, after an inner shift, my entire being goes through an integration phase of change where my thoughts can be temporarily muddied, my sleep can be off for a few days, and my body can become unusually sore or achy for a few days. And I woke up today with what feels like a vulnerability hangover from oversharing – from sharing a post about having been sexually violated on my other blog. The thing is, I’ve shared this fact there before, but never felt this way afterward.

The larger part of me knows that my perception of things is a little bit skewed right now and I’ll feel more like myself (grounded, centered) likely by tomorrow. But it’s really weird to feel this way when it’s been so foreign to me for years now. When I know it’s not me. Feelings of shame and embarrassment because of things I experienced years ago are long gone.

But something about yesterday’s spontaneous release had to do with feeling vulnerable when sharing my story – which I now realize more than ever is part of my life’s mission. When we talk about our vulnerable moments, and share them with compassion and understanding, when we bring light to them it dissolves shame and stigma. That’s it. Another layer of collective judgment and shame dissolved, allowing more of my life’s purpose to come through.

Earth Angels

Still working my way through Kundalini awakening, my hypnotherapist recently guided me into my inner world to have a conversation with my body. But before going into hypnotherapy, I had a psychic reading a few weeks ago that let me know that when I was young and experienced sexual abuse, I blocked a large part of myself off. The psychic said it related to sensual energy, and it was likely impacting my ability to run Kundalini energy. She believed this block explained my feeling out of sorts and tired, so I wanted to investigate and heal whatever came up. And I was curious to know if it affected food cravings that have been an issue for the past few years.

During that same psychic reading, I discovered that my prebirth plan for this life wasn’t the first plan. There was an earlier plan that would have had me born first of my siblings, but after my mother lost her first pregnancy, the soul who is now my older brother switched things up and was born first. The way she put it, he bullied his way in first. Had my prior plan borne out, I wouldn’t have gone through sexual abuse. Hearing this was a bit tough, but I know my soul agreed to the revised plan for some reason or it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know just how much of my life I could foresee before being born second, but it changed a lot about my life.

Knowing this information, I decided to keep things simple and, using hypnosis, asked my body how we could help it feel better.

Immediately I heard the voice of someone who was very upset. Asking what was wrong, she had all sorts of large, hard, plaque-like things stuck all over her body she couldn’t remove and wanted help. She said the stuff was messing her up. They were messing up her ability to connect with herself. I heard her say, “They’re messing me up. Me. ME.” Then I saw two huge letters, “M” “E” – emphasis on Me.

Following that thread, my hypnotherapist asked me to connect with that part of myself called ‘Me’. When I did, I immediately knew she was five, felt lost, and was cartwheeling in outer space. Her tether had broken and she wanted help. Letting the five-year-old Me speak more, she said, “I’m gone. I’m gone. I thought I could do this but I can’t. I’m outta here. It’s too much. It’s overwhelming.” She was talking about life. Something happened that was too much.

Then my attention was drawn to the center of my chest, to my heart, where I saw a big open hole. But it wasn’t just a hole, it looked like one end of something like a funnel-shaped wormhole that went through my body and connected to the world of spirit. It felt like a tunnel we traverse between worlds, and it looked dark and uninviting.

When asked if Me was afraid of the wormhole, I heard her say, “I’m dead. I’m gone.” I suddenly knew she was trying to get back through the wormhole to the other side (spirit), but she can’t. “I’m trying to get back out the way I came in, but I can’t, so I’m dead – that’s it.” And her version of that is cartwheeling in outer space with no tether back to here.

My hypnotherapist asked if we could offer her some sort of tether and Me wasn’t so sure she wanted to come back. Validating her feelings and allowing Me to just be, her resistance to coming back began to melt. Allowing her to speak, Me said I owed her a big apology. We encouraged her to say more. She said I owed her a really big apology because shit didn’t roll out the way it was supposed to.

Becoming a bit emotional I apologized to the five-year-old Me, telling her I didn’t know how life was going to roll out. I kept telling her I was sorry and that I loved her. As I kept apologizing, she got closer and closer, beginning to trust me. I repeated I didn’t know, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know everything that was going to happen. I told her I’m not God. I don’t know every single thing that’s going to happen (in life).

Little Me just looked at me and said, “What do you mean? What do you mean you’re not God? You ARE God! You ARE love! You forgot it!!

As an inner bolt of lightning struck, a dam of emotion burst within me, and an epiphany came forth. She’s here to teach me, to remind me.

“You forgot you’re love!! You forgot there’s that part of you that’s connected to God ALL THE TIME!!!” And she’s stressing ALL… THE… TIME!!! “You forgot that part of you when you were hurt so, so deeply!! That part of you shattered SO BADLY! It shattered. It completely shattered. I just see pieces of glass EVERYWHERE. That part of you completely forgot who you were because you lost faith when your plan was smashed to bits by that asshole. You had an agreement (pre-birth) and he (my older brother) completely disregarded it. He did what he always does, and it was too much. Because you knew what was coming down the pike. You saw his actions would have all kinds of repercussions he couldn’t see, wouldn’t see. You knew all that shit was coming and you were like, Fuck no! I’m not doing it!”

Continuing on, she said, “But what you didn’t see, what you didn’t know was how much help you’d have. You were so cut off from everything and everybody, and everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. You didn’t know about all your Earth Angels!! You didn’t know your Aunt was looking after you. You didn’t know your classmate would go to the other side and become a guardian for you. And there are other Earth Angels you don’t know about who are looking out for you. Who protected you, and kept secrets about the past until it was time for you to share them.” She’s saying “You have only the slightest idea of all the Earth Angels that have been helping you throughout your life. There are SO many. SO many.

This is about knowing you’re protected on Earth.

As I looked back at this little part of me, she’s growing up, no longer a little girl. She’s looking at me, like, ‘Phew! Thank God! You finally got it! Thank you!’ (laughing)

I have been protected on Earth throughout this whole journey, even when I didn’t know it – couldn’t see it, and will be protected for the rest of my life. We’re all protected during our lives, but most people don’t know it.

When my hypnotherapist asked how all this related to my issues with food and eating, wisdom flowed from my Higher Self.

This all relates to the ‘pleasures of life’. Food is one. There are many. Yes. This does relate to physical pleasures in life. Absolutely.

Thinking about how this aspect of me who came forth was five, and knowing something devastating happened to me when I was five, I was allowed to see a bit of what it was. I was told it’s ok for me to know this now. I can handle it. I saw enough to know it was the first physical violation that shut me down. And it absolutely relates to the physical pleasures of life. I get the sense that food was a salve because I saw a scene of my little five-year-old eating cookies trying to feel better, trying to push the icky feeling out of her mind. Food helped her blunt the pain and trauma. She knew what happened wasn’t right and wasn’t ok because I keep hearing her repeat, “the icky feeling in my body, the icky feeling in my body.” And when she would eat or even when she’d just go play she could forget about it. And after a while, she kinda forgot about it. Yup. That definitely shut her down, big time.

With the trauma released, it was safe to have this memory back.

Moving forward, my hypnotherapist mentioned one of the intentions for the session was to offer this part of me who still reaches for food some sort of healing or support, and asked how we could do this.

Immediately, I saw this now more grown-up aspect standing and saying, “You heard me. You were the first person who actually listened and paid attention, and HEARD me.”

It sounded like she tried to tell someone and they blew her off. “Nobody would listen to me.” I saw her standing there and actually looking really good. She said, “I just needed to be heard. And acknowledged. And seen. And you have done that. And thank you so much.”

Then, a big energy beam emanating from her heart connected back to my heart (as I got very emotional). She looked at me and said, “Yup! Reconnection!” With very playful energy, I saw her jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline, and she jumped up and dove back into my heart saying, “I’m home now baby! I’m home!” And then I heard “I’m back! I’m back! I’m back in the saddle again” sung by Aerosmith.

Moving forward some more, my hypnotherapist asked how all this relates to my Kundalini energy and my feeling tired and out of sorts. Right off the bat, I heard “We’re working on it and making really big progress. And this was huge.” I could see that my Kundalini energy is flowing, but there are some energy blocks that have put a sort of stranglehold on it, choking it a bit here and there. And with every healing it’s allowed to flow and expand a bit more.

When it came to getting answers about my not feeling like myself and being so tired, spirit got cagey and wouldn’t give me any further info other than to remind me that my soul loves surprises and to keep doing what I’ve been doing (healing sessions). I was told that I was getting closer and closer to the finish line and when I got there it would be well worth all the shit I’ve been going through to get there. And all the pain and difficulty would fade away like a bad dream. They told me I’m doing a great job and they’re so proud of me, and to just keep going.

The session wrapped up with the reminder that although I’ve gotten good at remembering I’ve got a team in spirit helping me in life (as I received a massive hug from them), today’s message was all about remembering I’ve got help in people around me. There’s been a big focus on not being understood by those around me, but I’m being reminded it’s ok. They don’t have to understand to want to support me and love me.

Since the session, I felt better and more present than I’ve felt in a very long time for about three days. It was heavenly! Not 100% back to myself, but so much more. However, more recently things have taken a step… not really back… but perhaps sideways? There’s still some more healing to be done, but this was a doozy. It was huge. And now I know I’ve got a giant posse of Earth Angels helping me through life.

Know that when you go through trials in life you’re never alone.

The Illusion of Time

One of the first things I learned about when interests in the afterlife and energy healing entered my life was how our perceptions here in the physical world are different from when we exist in spirit. And one essential difference between these worlds is how time functions.

Time here on Earth is a very real thing that you can set your watch by. Literally. As a person with a very logical mind, very left-brained, I’ve always had a keen awareness of time and could estimate its passage pretty well. If someone told me I had fifteen minutes left to finish a test in school, I understood it. I had a sense of fifteen minutes and what I could get done in that time frame.

As a former ship’s navigator, part of my job involved time: calculating voyage plans and when on watch being able to calculate when the ship would be at a certain place at a specific time. It was my job to make sure we could get from point A to point B on time, even if the two points were almost seven thousand miles apart. Yup. My longest voyage plan. And when we were entering into a port or leaving one, quickly calculating the time we’d be at certain positions for the captain was often my job.

The first time I experienced a significant distortion of time was when I discovered hypnosis. When I came out of what felt like about ten minutes in hypnosis, the actual time passed was around forty minutes. It blew my mind! Most of us experience time distortions regularly when we daydream or get lost in our thoughts. Or when we’re doing something we love. Because it’s such a part of everyday life, we don’t really think about time other than relating to a clock.

I’m perpetually fascinated by listening to people’s near-death experiences, and they often talk about having a detailed experience of the other side that felt like hours when in our reality only several minutes passed.

One of the things I love about energy healing is the disregard for time as we perceive it, other than being mindful of my practitioner’s time and being on time for an appointment. Energy healing in general acknowledges that we carry energy blockages that were created in the past. We intuitively see or pick up on time frames. One of my earlier hypnotic experiences had the hypnotherapist regress me back to the initiation of a feeling, and when I reached that point he asked me how old I was. Without even thinking, a number would pop instantly into my mind. Three years old, eighteen months old, three months old, in the womb, before I entered a physical body. It was mind-blowing!

I’d see a scene in my mind’s eye and be walked through a healing process. At the end of the process, not only would the block have been dissolved, but everything attached to it at different ages and stages would change as well like dominos falling or pulling a thread in a chain stitch. Things that happened decades ago, or even in another lifetime would finally be addressed and dissolved. Time wasn’t relevant.

One of the things this has taught me is that when I get upset about something in the here and now, it has legs to the past. Always. 100% of the time. And if I notice a pattern of becoming upset regularly in the same situation, I’ve now got the power to either try to change the situation or heal my own upset.

After doing a lot of healing work, I began to notice that sometimes my body would begin to react even before my healing session. You see, when I’m in a session I look for discomfort or a part of me who’s unhappy and putting up some form of resistance, which is why using hypnosis is a great tool. I’m detached enough from my body to notice things like physical tightness or my heart beginning to pound without needing to react. I become the observer. I go after these uncomfortable sensations to find out what’s at their root. And sometimes just before a healing session, I’d notice my body tensing up or getting irrationally nervous.

My relationship with food has become a good barometer for me. When I notice getting food cravings and wanting to nibble when I’m not physically hungry, there’s something inside that’s unhappy and is available to become healed. The past five years, being a constant barrage of things coming up to be healed, has been rough on my weight. I’ve gained quite a bit and over this past winter my eating has not only been not so great for my weight, but for my blood sugar as well.

After a recent medical check-up, I’ve been doubling down on my efforts to eat better. And yet the days post check-up have been plagued by food cravings. Cravings for a specific candy and wanting to nibble on salty and crunchy snacks even though I’d just eaten a meal have truly sucked.

I finally realized that what I’ll be addressing in an upcoming healing session is already trying to become known. Whatever part of my consciousness that’s been living deep down is rising up. And it’s affecting my relationship with food, my #1 challenge. Food has long been my medicine: the thing that once upon a time made the pain of life bearable. And as much healing as I’ve done specifically to do with food cravings, I think what’s coming up relates to food cravings but goes beyond them. My food cravings are a symptom of something deeper. Just like gaining weight is merely a symptom of something deeper.

And it won’t be long before I get some answers.

Transformation

Going through a Kundalini awakening hasn’t been easy. For those who’ve had years of a meditative practice or who have spent a lifetime in tune with their energy and body, I think their experiences can be more gentle. Or perhaps it’s ‘the times’ in combination with my overachieving spirit that’s made the past five years quite a trial. A little like a long and drawn-out healing crisis, which I realize is an oxymoron.

Physical tiredness to exhaustion is still my constant companion. And feeling ungrounded morphs from feeling off balance and living with a barrage of crappy thoughts I recognize as just that, to merely feeling a subtle yet stubborn gap in my physical experience. A gap that brings a sense of numbness to what’s going on around me, while disconnecting me from my heart. It’s not comfortable, but at least it’s no longer excruciatingly painful as it was a few years ago. Basically, I feel like I’m not all here.

As much as I love to sit in contemplation and connect with my inner wisdom and inner world, unless I’m actively trying to bring something up and heal it, sitting quietly often only increases inner discomfort these days.

That said, when I’m composed enough to ask myself a simple question, the answer comes quickly and assuredly. Connection with higher wisdom is there.

Working with intuitive healers, I know my current path is one of healing. Healing trauma. Healing disconnection between my spirit and my very human self. I’ve known this all along. But sometimes it’s nice to get external confirmation from those I’m working with.

Recently I had a reading with a trusted psychic I’ve known and worked with for over a decade and have become friends with. A few days prior when we were visiting and chatting, she saw a few things intuitively that stuck with me and I wanted to go more in depth.

One of the things we’d been talking about was how our souls take on things within the family to heal. We do this mostly unconsciously, and when she tuned into my mother there was tremendous grief before my older brother was born. When my parents were newly married and my mother was six months pregnant, they were in a horrific car accident, and she lost the baby. What my intuitive friend saw was my soul had decided to come in at the time and would have merged with that baby, had she lived. That was the original plan. What was also intuitively known was if I’d been born first, I wouldn’t have been molested by my brother. I wouldn’t have suffered sexual violation and all its repercussions. Life would have still had challenges, but not as many. Asking about why I ended up coming in second, the psychic saw that the soul who’s my older brother was a bit of a bully on the other side and pushed his way in first.

As an aside, I believe my soul was ok with this because in spirit we don’t feel emotions the way we do here in physical bodies. Although I may have begrudgingly agreed, with the provision that my waking up spiritually and discovering an effective healing method be part of the deal.

Hearing that my original plans would have created a very different life both stung and showed me just how much I’ve worked through. It made me feel damned proud of how far I’ve come. And the next part of the reading gave me some insight as to more healing that awaits me.

After talking about pre-birth planning and how my plan deviated just before entry, I asked about my Kundalini energy specifically. Something this intuitive friend saw a while ago was that my Kundalini energy isn’t flowing well, hence the unusual tiredness and feeling out of sorts to the extent I have. She saw it as scattered instead of flowing in a nice stream.

Yes, the healing I’ve been doing has been clearing blocks so it flows better, but she could see an energetic block preventing the energy from flowing up and out of my head. As much as the block is acting like a cork in a bottle, she mentioned that I’m close to healing it. And it relates to having been sexually violated.

Just hearing this triggered an inner knowing and healing. Something deep inside recognized this truth.

Kundalini energy is many things and one of them is a sensual energy, and there’s a part of me, because of having been molested, that’s blocking the flow. But the block goes beyond being sexually violated in this lifetime. I’m just learning about our sensual energy and the part it plays in life beyond sex, but I’m feeling that it’s important in our overall enjoyment and savoring of life.

It feels like the cork has been loosened, and I’m hoping my next hypnosis session will move me significantly forward in my current healing journey. Because the block rising up seems to have to do with sensual energy, enjoying and savoring life, I wouldn’t be surprised if it relates to other lifetimes when this sort of thing was repressed, forbidden, or shameful. It will be interesting to see what comes up when I look into all this in my next healing session.

It’s my deepest desire to have my energy flowing in such a way that I feel grounded, present, and centered, as I felt before Kundalini opened. And perhaps helping Kundalini energy’s flow will accomplish just that.

War

When I was very young I had gut trouble from time to time. It felt like there was a war going on inside me. I can still remember sitting in pain, wishing it away time and time again. And eventually, things inside would shift and the pain would subside.

There was a war of sorts going on. Parts of my body were contracting painfully under pressure. I’m not sure how much of it was caused by things I ate and how much was me – empathically embodying conflict happening around me. I’ve always been keenly attuned to emotions around me, feeling my way through life. And there was a bit of conflict in my home growing up.

I’ve learned that conflict doesn’t have to be life-threatening all the time to affect a person deeply. A few deep jabs here and there. Not being respected, revered, or honored, but being bullied, taken advantage of, and outright abused takes a toll.

Thankfully, healing has made all the difference in my life.

With the recent outbreak of war on the other side of the world, I’ve been remembering healing sessions when diving into things like digestive difficulties and an unhappy gallbladder a few years ago took me into past lives.

I saw myself lying on the battlefield with a spear piercing my right abdomen. The wound eventually became septic as it slowly and painfully took my life. As I looked at my male body to get a sense of the time period, images flashed between a body clothed in animal skins and a body covered with pieces of armor. I’ve died on the battlefield in at least a few other lifetimes, and possibly several.

As I lay dying I remember being angry about dying for a cause I didn’t believe in. Having to fight for a leader I didn’t believe in. It felt like I was either conscripted or forced into fighting. The teaching that day was about authenticity: being authentic to myself. It was about healing lifetimes when I wasn’t able to be true to myself.

We live with the effects of war carried forward by our soul, resonating in our DNA. We recreate it within our bodies and externally in the world. And the only way to stop it is to heal.

Will there be a time when all wars will end and people will peacefully coexist? I truly don’t know. As long as we’re a playground for soul growth, all this war and conflict serves a purpose. But I believe we’re ascending and gradually evolving.

However, right here, right now, I’m sending the energy of love out to the world, while continuing to do what I can do to heal myself.

Feeling Squeezed

Before there is release there’s pressure. Before ease there’s concern. Before freedom there’s resistance.

My system has been integrating from my last healing session’s release while gearing up to release even more. It’s been my life for the past 5 years. It’s not something I’ve been doing because I suddenly decided to go on a quest, it’s coming from within. Kundalini energy is facilitating my healing duality, like it or not.

After each healing there’s a change to how I experience the world. There’s a new ease and more compassion. There’s less emotional reactivity. Until something else bubbles up. With Kundalini energy still quite active, my energy field is still shifting and changing, magma moving tectonic plates creating occasional earthquakes. It won’t always be this way, but it is for now.

A scheduled healing session had to be postponed and I’m in that in-between state when my body is gearing up to shake, rattle, and roll. To open up and shed light on darkness.

Pressure is beginning to build. All the conflict in the world and in people around me is beginning to resonate with something deep inside. Or should I say, something deep inside that’s beginning to rumble and churn is affecting my daily focus. And sure, it doesn’t help that all our news stations are focused on the recent outbreak of war.

I can feel a sense of inner resistance that wants to become known. That wants to come fully up and be rescued, healed, shifted, set free. And it will.

Because I’ll be looking using hypnosis, I’m curious to see what’s going on. To get the story. After all, who doesn’t love a good story?

I’ll be opening myself up to magic. To communing with the higher realms. To reconnecting with more of my spirit and energy. To becoming even more of my soul self. I can’t wait.

But today things are a little challenging. There are a few situations in my life that are shifting and changing, that are squeezing me a bit at the moment. Nothing major, but still. Staying focused on the outcome I want to see and telling fear to take a hike is taking more energy than it sometimes does. There are times when I’m not good at the wait and see.

It’s a good time for a cup of tea.