Coming up on Thanksgiving, all sorts of families are gathering, sharing meals and time visiting and reconnecting. As much as I no longer live near any of my family of origin, and my parents are now gone, my thoughts have turned to family quite a bit recently.
Well, that’s not wholly true. It hasn’t only been recently. My thoughts have focused on my family of origin quite often since this past August. Too often.
I’ve been going through a Kundalini awakening experience since late last winter, and what it’s been doing is bringing up all sorts of pain in my heart and issues that I identify with, to give me an opportunity to heal them. And for me, it’s been an extremely intense and challenging time because of the scope of how much has been coming up, and the depth to which healing is being created. It’s been a ton. And at times, almost too much.
One of the concepts that’s being healed, is my concept of family. I have an older brother, whose relationship with me has always been unhealthy and uncomfortable. As children, he always dominated me. Then he moved on to molesting me. Something most people don’t understand is, when you’re little, it’s very natural and normal to seek approval from those around you. A child looks outside of themselves to know they are ok.
Because I had a mother who was mentally ill, I knew that she wasn’t an unconditionally loving and safe place to fall. I looked to my big brother for approval and validation, and unfortunately, he was also not unconditionally loving or a safe place to fall either. In fact, my sense of self was so messed up that when my brother would do things to me that I knew weren’t ok, and ended up taking his actions to the next level of molesting me, when he told me I had to keep quiet or I’d get in trouble, I believed him.
My own inner voice was screaming for help, but my brain told me to shut up or pain would rain down on me. The irony is, pain rained down eventually. I spent decades living with rage and shame. They kept me in a prison.
Over the past few years, that prison has been healing. And I even got to a point that I could think about my brother, and no feelings of shame or anger would immediately flash up. It was huge for me. Huge.
Until last summer, when, with this Kundalini energy coursing through my being, I was reunited with my brother after almost five years. Because of the state I was in, I knew that getting together with him would probably trigger me, so I asked to postpone our reunion a year, but my request was met with suspicion and fear by his wife, who got my brother so upset that just reading an email from him (that was filled with emotional pain) triggered the hell out of me.
I was a mess for weeks. Because the trigger that I was trying to avoid, happened even without a face to face reunion, I acquiesced and agreed to see my brother and his wife for a few days during a trip I took east with my family. It was supposed to have been a vacation.
If my body and mind had been normal, we would have had an uncomfortable three days, and that might have been the end of it. But my entire system is far from normal lately. My energetic and intuitive system is so wide open that when I’m around people who are emotionally activated, I pick up on what’s activating them, either consciously or unconsciously. And when their unconscious shit resonates with me, those same things in me rise up and shift into healing.
In the case of my brother and his wife, I picked up on a shit ton of her unconscious fear and pain, and ran it straight through my body. I picked up on her fear of losing her marriage, her fear of not belonging in our family, and her fears about her kids. They ping-ponged inside of me, bringing up my own fears of those same things. But for me, when things like that are brought up, they come fully up into my conscious mind, causing emotional pain and turmoil and then are immediately healed.
These days, the things I pick up on are universal themes of life that everyone carries some sort of fear or dysfunction around. I’m tapped into universal consciousness.
When something is healed, it creates a shift in my field of energy, that in turn creates changes in my mental construct and physical body. And because these changes have been so significant lately, the period afterwards has been physically and mentally miserable. Weeks of cells dying off, old neural pathways dying off, tissues becoming temporarily inflamed, until new cells, new neural pathways grow, and inflammation calms down. Weeks of brain changing, that feels like a combination of mental illness and brain damage, yet knowing I’m not ill, and the brain isn’t damaged, but changing.
One of the more unpleasant side effect of the brain changing, is when I spend days hyperfocusing. Focusing on things I’d rather not think about, such as my brother and his wife. That went on for weeks before our reunion, and several weeks after. They invaded my thoughts for hours every day. I knew it wasn’t normal, and wouldn’t be forever. And it’s been subsiding. Slowly.
One of the interesting things that’s happened with all of this opened intuitive capability, and with my body healing at an incredible rate, is disconnecting my energy field from that of my family of origin. I’m no longer pining for something I never had.
I no longer want a loving and protective brother that I never had. In fact, my feelings toward my older brother are so absolutely neutral that if I never see him again for the rest of my life, it won’t really bother me. Mostly, the state he’s in makes me sad. The fact that he’ll never reach the level of healing that I’ve found, makes me a bit sad for him. But that’s it.
And something I never expected, was seeing my sister-in-law with a new clarity. I now see so clearly why some of her actions in the past left me confused. I see where she carries pain in her own heart, and the fears she carries. I understand her now in a way that I never did before. In fact, while we were in the same house, I intuitively and unconsciously picked up on so much of her stuff that I was not myself for most of the time I was away. It sucked.
But it actually helped me let go of attachment to the cottage we were staying in, our family summer cottage. The cottage our family has owned for three generations, that I’d always held so near and dear in my heart. The cottage my brothers and I now share. It could burn to the ground and as much as I would be sad, it wouldn’t cut a big hole in my heart, as it would have, prior to this past August.
Healing attachment to people and places means a sort of freedom. When emotions that used to come up, no longer become activated, it brings freedom to act differently. When an action – reaction relationship has been dissolved, it’s felt as more peace and calm in the heart. Wanting and longing are gone. (I finally understand Buddha).
For me, my system hasn’t found its new normal yet in regards to my relationship with my older brother and his wife. I still have moments of anger that I don’t act on, and fleeting moments of sadness for what never was. But these moments are becoming less and less frequent.
With Thanksgiving coming, followed by Christmas, thoughts of family are up in my grill. And very honestly, I’d rather think of anything but my family of origin lately. I know in time these feelings with change. But that’s what it is right now. I’m hoping life will feel very different next year.