Get Off My Back!

One of the things I use hypnosis for is to talk to my body. Our bodies speak to us symbolically using pictures and phrases, and once I’m in a hypnotic state, with my body very relaxed and my chatterbox brain quieted, focusing on my hypnotherapist’s voice I’ve been able to tap into root causes of physical pain and dis-ease and heal them.

My lower back has been cranky ever since I herniated a disc several years ago. I’ve done the route of physical therapy and cortisone shots, and I’ve also used energy healing to help back pain. This past winter, I gained a lot of weight and picking up on some stress recently, it was time to address some very upset, tight muscles that were causing my back to act up.

After being relaxed using an induction process, my hypnotherapist guided me to tune into my lower back and hip area. After a moment, a foggy picture began to come into my mind’s eye. I could sense someone grabbing my hips and violating me from behind. As I became very emotional, I recognized it was my brother. He was raping me. Upset hit me and tears fell as the young girl in me fought as hard as she could to get away. She fought so very hard, only to have her violator feel happy because of her struggle. The more she fought, the more powerful he felt. It was sick and twisted. She fought and fought until it was of no use.

I wanted to kill him; take his head right off. I can’t get him off me.

When my hypnotherapist asked what was needed to help this part of my body heal,  I knew my inner orphaned child needed to know how strong and brave she was even though she was terrified. More tears fell as I connected back in with her, telling her even though she was really scared, she did what she had to do in order to survive.

Asking for a way to help her feel better, I suddenly saw another part of my younger self come forward looking like a child dressed in a gladiator outfit, carrying a large, heavy sword.

from Google Images

Deep healing release of sobs came as she told me, “No one will EVER, EVER hurt you like that again. EVER!!” Then I saw her place a ring of armor around my body like a skirt, protecting from my low back down to my thighs, all the way around. Impenetrable armor. Tears fell as I knew I was finally protected forever, seeing images of attempts at being violated failing again and again, like a battering ram shattering against an impenetrable wall. People could try and try to violate me, but they can do nothing to hurt me in this way ever again.

A moment later, I suddenly saw my little warrior morph into a gigantic Archangel Michael. Feeling the overwhelming intensity and power of love that he brought, I sobbed even harder, barely able to catch my breath. He showed up so strongly, telling me, “You’re done with that. You don’t need to experience that anymore. You’re done. No more sexual violation.” I knew the people who’ve done it to me have no more power over me. None. They’re essentially out of my life forever.

I saw Archangel Michael standing tall and strong, holding a large spear as if to say if anyone tries to mess with me, he’ll take care of them. I’m protected forever. I knew this protection wasn’t something I had to do anything to activate – it’s permanently installed within me. I saw it ripple back through all time and forward as well. And then I saw time as a conical spiral, and the spiral turned to gold, representing an extremely high energetic vibration. I knew the healing affected not only this current life but all other lifetimes when I was sexually violated.

As I was directed to check back in with my body, I saw a protective skirt around it and depending on how I looked at it, it looked gold; carrying the energy of gold. My inner child had shifted quite dramatically, feeling really confident. She was a far cry from the terrified little girl she’d been only minutes earlier, now very sassy, confident, and happy, snapping her fingers side to side, with attitude as if to wave away anyone she didn’t want to deal with.

My hypnotherapist asked if Archangel Michael had anything to share with me. And as I looked to him, he winked at me, saying, “You know you’re awesome!” It wasn’t braggadocious, but rather confirming that I’m truly awesome and totally badass. Telling me to own it. He also said, “You got this!” And, “I’m always with you.”

With this aspect of my orphaned inner child brought back into the fold, she and I are no longer separated, but united as one.

It’s only been a few days since the session, and I’m still integrating the shift, but there is a new sense of lightness within me, and less physical discomfort. Sessions like these create a permanent shift deep within, changing how I feel about myself from the inside out. Creating more inner peace.


Healing and My Dream

A few days ago I did some more healing work. Having a hypnosis session, I dove into some physical discomfort I’ve been feeling lately. During the session, I connected with part of my inner child who was still stuck in the past, crying because her older brother wouldn’t leave her alone and kept sexually violating her. He just wouldn’t stop, and the harder she fought back, the more powerful he felt dominating her.

I was guided through the session and ended up with the little girl in me becoming happy and free. It was transformational. With this part of my inner child healed, I not only feel lighter inside but my dream this morning reflected the change as well.

The dream was short but profound. I saw my brother and I standing in our family summer cottage, and he moved toward me as if to hug me. For decades, he and I have had a very strained relationship, and because his wife knew nothing about our past until a few years ago, she always pushed him to hug me when we got together. It was never something he wanted to do, and nothing I ever welcomed.

As he moved toward me, I put up my hand signaling him to stop. I said, “It’s ok. You don’t have to do that anymore. I’m letting you off the hook. In fact, I’m going to set you free and make both our lives a lot easier.”

And with that, I can’t remember if there was any more to the dream, but I told him about my plan to separate us on paper (we co-own two properties that we inherited when our parents died), by his taking one property and my taking the other. This way, if we chose to have any sort of relationship, we’d be free to do so, but wouldn’t be bound by any finances or legality.

At some point, I’ll have this conversation in real life with him and his wife, because I feel like in order to complete my healing journey with that relationship, I need to separate us in this way. I’ve done a ton of work healing my heart about the past, and have even healed the desire to have a relationship with this man who was never really a brother to me. The truth is, it won’t be 100% complete until we reconnect on the other side after death.  In the meanwhile, I can set us both free while we’re still here, alive.

One of the more difficult things about having a Kundalini Awakening is having my past brought up again and again, healing more and more deeply. Yes, the healing part is incredible, but having more and more things from my past dredged up for review and then dealing with my head while it’s being rewired (replay after replay of the past as inner reactivity fades away bit by bit) really, really sucks. I have never in my entire life thought about my older brother more than during the past two years of Kundalini energy being active in my body, and it’s a whole lot of not fun. However, the reactivity associated with thinking about him is dissolving and disappearing, which is magical.

Healing works miracles. Even if for now, things aren’t very comfortable. I know one day life will feel very different.

Healing Abandonment

For the past two years, events unfolding around me have been triggering deep inner healing. Instead of noticing things in my life that are making me irritable or scared, worried or pissed off, and healing them, when people around me become irritable or scared, worried or pissed off, at one level I’m calm and non-reactive, while at a much deeper very unconscious level, things react and bubble up.

I find myself crying when it’s not me who’s sad, but rather the person I’m with. I find myself suddenly lashing out in anger when it’s not me who’s angry, but the person I just interacted with. The person I accidentally triggered. For me, the emotions pass through very quickly. Not for them.

The thing is, when things have been bubbling up lately, my body and mind react by becoming very tired and distracted. So much so that I struggle to function. Sometimes they crash. Hard. It’s a whole lot of not having fun yet.

Unlike early on in this Kundalini Awakening, when I could easily connect within, find the inner piece of myself that was unhappy and heal myself, I find myself needing help now. So, I’ve been working with a hypnotherapist again.

Last week it was time to do some more digging, healing, and I did. Actually, it was long overdue. Because some life events were triggering the crap out of my husband, a part of me began resonating and bubbling up. Unfortunately for both of us, my husband isn’t into healing work at all. He likes to hear that it helps me and is very supportive but has no interest in it for himself.

As I was relaxed and focused with the help of my hypnotherapist, the part of me that needed help was able to speak. Actually, she cried out.

“It’s in my heart. It’s been waiting for me. I see red. Just a lot of red… blood… death… Just getting words like death, killing, murder, mayhem. All the violence that man has perpetrated against itself (she cried harder) for so long. There’s just this voice saying, why won’t it stop? Why can’t they understand peace? There’s such violence and war… and it all starts in our own hearts… and the thing is, most people don’t have a clue. They don’t understand, every form of war starts in our own hearts. And people are running around chasing stuff outside of themselves, thinking if I have enough weapons that will fix it… and it doesn’t fix it… because that’s not the real problem. The real problem is every one of us. All the blackness in our hearts… It’s just everywhere… and I just can’t handle it anymore (crying harder)!”

As my hypnotherapist called out for a guide to come help, she reassured the voice in pain that she didn’t have to do this alone. The funny thing is, when she did this, a different voice from within me piped up, saying, “I know.”

So, if the larger part of me knew she didn’t have to handle all this pain alone, who was in pain? As soon as the question was asked, tears fell as part of my inner child came forward.

“The little one’s just wanting her mom, and her mom is not there for her. It’s like she’s abandoned her to the wolves… the wolves of her brother. She wants her mom to be there for her, to hug her and hold her and tell her everything’s going to be fine… (more deep sobs) but she doesn’t come! She just lets her brother treat her like shit. Her mom is not coming to help. Her mom is just not there. And her brother’s being mean again, and again, and again, and again.”

My hypnotherapist acknowledged the little girl who was in so much pain, validating her feelings that she wasn’t protected by her mother.

The little one continued on.

“Nope. She’s just standing there. Nope. She abandoned me. Totally abandoned me. You (speaking to mother) weren’t there for me when I needed you. And you let him hurt me again and again and again and again. And half the time you were like, that’s just kids being kids. But he was always mean. He was never nice. Ever.”

My hypnotherapist validated that this little girl experienced a double betrayal, from both her mother and her brother.

Something about being heard, being allowed to speak her truth and be validated was all this inner voice needed to begin to shift and change right before my eyes. She began to get angry and we let her speak.

“Let me get mad. I’m going to get mad now. You sons of bitches! Cause you weren’t there for me and I needed you… so screw you!

How dare you! How dare you!… How dare you not treat me with love and respect!

HOW DARE YOU!!! I deserve better than that! And fuck you all!!”

I could sense my mother and brother hanging their heads in shame. And more anger came.

“You should be ashamed!”

My hypnotherapist kept validating the feelings as they came up. And that was all it took for my inner child to move through them. It was amazing how quickly her feelings morphed.

After seeing the perpetrators hanging their heads in shame, the little one seemed to let go the anger and moved into being done with it as she brushed it off her shoulders.

As her strength returned, she suddenly appeared wearing a costume like Wonder Woman, with the tall boots and cape. Standing proudly, with her hands on her hips, she spoke again.

“Yeah, try it again, and I’ll kick your ass!”

Then she addressed me.

“OK! Let’s get this show on the road! Let’s get going. Enough of this sitting around, feeling like crap! Now’s the time for Action!!”

And with that, she became happy and then joyful as she began to dance.

“Come on and join the par-tay!!”

I saw not only this part of my inner child, but several of my guides and supporters in spirit begin to dance around in joy, as what was once very stuck energy flowed again.

The days following the session, I transcribed the recording and made the connection of the abandonment my inner child was feeling, being the issue that was triggering my husband so very badly. I can see it now clear as a bell. The part of his inner child who still experiences deep abandonment issues has been crying out. And a part of my inner child resonated in kind until I was able to set her free.

The truth is, everyone walking the planet has at a part of their inner child who experienced feelings of abandonment, and created a belief of “less-than” about it, locking it into our consciousness. Creating a space of darkness within. It’s part of the human condition. For some, the issue is very deep and red hot.

When we feel abandoned, we’ve actually abandoned ourselves. And any time a situation comes up that our inner child identifies with, the belief of less-than cries out, causing us inner pain. The belief cuts ourselves off from spirit, from our true selves. From the eternal part of us who always knows we’re perfect, we’re never alone, and everything will be ok. It’s self-betrayal, creating darkness in our hearts – places where the light can’t shine. It is the dark voice within, telling us it’s our fault, we screwed up, and all hope is lost. And is one of the leading causes of war and conflict, both inner and outer.

And it can be healed. Dissolved.

After the session, I felt better than I had in a while, with a new lightness inside. It was sooo nice. Especially after feeling so crappy for way too long.

Unfortunately, within a few days, I was tired and foggy again. But it hasn’t been as bad.

I’m not quite sure if it’s the challenge of integration, or if something else is already bubbling up wanting to be healed. The part of me who felt abandoned is forever changed and is doing great, and I’ll give it a little time before diving in again.

One step at a time. The Kundalini awakening evolves.


Being the Observer

The way I see the world is changing. Shifting and changing a lot. As my brain and body integrate new energy, things are unsettled and a little unsettling at first. Eventually some flow begins to return. Some.

So much judgment has been healed that it’s becoming easier to be the observer in life. To walk through the world without becoming triggered, without flipping out. I used to keep my shit under wraps pretty well, until something set me off. And then I’d blow.



I got triggered. I was overtired or scared. A button would get pushed. And like a rocket, I was off. Like my mother, it was yelling, not physical.

And what I really hate, was when I’d blow up all over my family. It was absolutely not ok. Thank God I discovered healing work. Really, really effective healing work. So effective, that Kundalini energy woke up and has been creating even deeper healing ever since. A thousand times a thousand times deeper.

My triggers are dissolving.

I’m becoming the observer of life while I live it.

It’s just…

Just that…

I seem to be perpetually ungrounded. Feeling like the new isn’t fully and completely integrated, before something else deep inside shifts and becomes set free. And it’s a whole lot of not having fun yet.

I keep reminding myself things won’t feel this hard forever. And the truth is, sometimes I catch glimpses of blue sky between the clouds.

Sometimes, when I least expect it, I find myself the observer.

Spiritual Knowing

If you listen to people speak about spiritual experiences, you’ve probably heard about them talk about receiving “knowings”. It may sound a little bit weird, but it’s when information is dumped straight into your head in such a way that every cell in your body knows it as truth. Like when you have an experience. The information becomes physically enmeshed into you. You feel it. The difference between reading or hearing about having an orgasm, and actually having one. Huge difference.

For me, I receive knowings as thoughts that feel like suddenly remembering something I already knew. Because in truth, a part of our consciousness did already know it. It just took something to trigger bringing that awareness back to our conscious mind.

A somewhat stepped-down-transformer version of this is when we follow our gut. When we feel that something is right for us and resonates with us.

One of the earlier experiences I had with receiving a knowing was a little more involved than having a thought or some words dumped into my head. It was when I was working on healing food cravings in a hypnosis session, and I was asked to go back in time to the very first time I felt a feeling I’d been responding to by eating when I wasn’t hungry. I was self-medicating with food, and used hypnotic regression to see what was at the root of the craving.

The process worked so well that it took me back through time into my childhood, and then back to when I was in my mother’s womb, and then back to when I was waiting to be born, and finally back to when I was planning the life I was about to live. This current life. In that experience, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that I planned to have difficult challenges in my life. I intentionally set up relationships and situations that would present challenges for me to overcome, for the purpose of soul growth.

The thing is, I’d read a little bit about this a few years prior, but this experience was the deep-in-my-bones confirmation of truth.

When people have the ability to directly download spiritual knowings, it’s called claircognizance. Literally translated, means clear knowing. Many people have this gift but dismiss it because of a lack of physical proof for those around them. How can I prove to someone who doesn’t believe me that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we plan some of the really bad shit that comes into our lives? I can’t. But I’m not the only one for whom this is absolute truth.

If you really dig in deep and think about why someone might plan to have some big pain in their life, know that it can go a few different ways. Because pain is our #1 motivator for change, experiencing deep pain will either cause people to fall down and stay down, or to rise up and reach out to help others going through similar pain. To help pull them through it and out the other side.

Many of the Master Healers out there didn’t dream as a child to grow up and become a healer. They went through their own hell, came out the other side, and turned around to give a helping hand, to be the lighted path for those who want to follow. And many of them experience spiritual knowing.


When you get to a certain age, you become concerned with health. You focus on how to be as healthy as you can, to live as long as possible. Because let’s face it, people are afraid to die. Even those who live in all sorts of pain would rather find a way to alleviate their pain than die.

Combine people’s natural fear of death with the world of advertising, and you get some fear-based buzz words used to get us to buy stuff. I know more than a few people who get really hung up on things like toxicity. Advertisers hype certain products over another because the “bad” one has ingredients that are toxic. And they hype one food over another because the “bad” food is toxic. And if you want to stay healthy, you need to take these vitamins and supplements. You need to cleanse and detox your body.

There may be some truth to all the hype, but advertising is all about selling a product by any means. And fear sells. What advertisers will never tell you is your body has all sorts of filters and checkpoints built-in. Our bodies are designed to filter out toxins through organs like our kidneys, and through processes like sweating, urinating, and defecation. And every single cell in our body undergoes two checks before it divides, to make sure it’s functioning properly. If a check fails, the cell doesn’t replicate. Our bodies are miraculous and self-healing.

What most people never think of is toxic thoughts and emotions, and how they affect us. The most toxic of all is fear, but today I’ve been thinking about something that’s been swirling around recently. And it’s pity.

Someone I care about has been wrapped up in pity for the past few months. Feeling pity for someone whose spouse died before their time, and who left their family in a financial bind. And for my friend, because they are very sensitive and haven’t done any healing work, their pity knows no end.

Pity acts like a firehose, draining us of our energy. Sucking the life out of us. It makes us do things we don’t want to do.

As I’ve watched pity play out in my friend, I see her say things like, “I don’t want to do this.” Followed by her doing just that. It makes her stick her nose into things that aren’t her responsibility and truly none of her business, because there’s this unhealed orphan inside her screaming, “I’ve got to do something! No one is doing anything and I have to help! I have to fix it and make it right!” It kills my friend to see someone else in such deep pain and despair, and she’ll do just about anything to stop it.

Pity makes my friend take over and do things for another person, treating them like a helpless child, instead of pointing them in the direction of help and allowing them to do their work. Helping them become empowered. And when the person in trouble keeps repeating behaviors that got them in trouble, my friend tries harder to fix them, getting more frustrated in the process.

People whose lives are fucked up and who need help are like a magnet to my friend. She takes pity on them, helping them and helping them and helping them, getting a hit of happiness and gratitude from them, but also expecting them to change. Expecting them to suddenly rise up from the ashes and be different. And when they don’t take her advice or don’t do what she thinks they need to do, she gets upset. Over and over.

Because her own personal boundaries are weak in general, she gives and gives and gives until it hurts. And when she becomes involved with trying to fix someone and they don’t change, she may eventually give up on trying to help them (like two people who are friends who also happen to be addicts), but it keeps eating away at her inside. This is truly toxic.

It’s one thing to help people, expecting nothing in return. Giving and helping simply because it makes you feel good and doesn’t take away from anything in your life (you have the time, energy, and money). I do it regularly. But when you pity someone, it’s disempowering to both you and them. And as such, is disrespectful to both you and them. Pity means you have no faith or trust that a person can handle their situation, and that lack of faith and trust comes from within ourselves. Our own lack of faith in our ability to handle what comes our way, becomes triggered.

My friend refuses to cut toxic people out of her life, and she doesn’t even see the toll it takes on her. She can’t let go of them.

In the past several years, as I’ve gone through life changes and done healing work, relationships have come and gone. Some naturally come in and flow out. Others came in and are still with me because they work. There’s give and take, ebb and flow. And there are the few that became toxic over time, sucking the life out of me, and I had to let them go. And it wasn’t easy. But I did it and I’m so much better off for it.

The truth is, we all want to be helpful. It’s in our nature. And especially with people who are sensitive, because we mirror other people’s emotions so quickly and easily, we want people around us to be happy.

And as I’ve healed my stuff and in the process been able to see situations through a different light, I now realize just how much of my own energy I gave away through a few relationships in my lifetime.

Healing work not only helped me reclaim lost energy, but these days, I don’t allow new toxic people into my life. And I’m doing my best to shed my life of toxic relationships who are family. It’s a process.

This is the sort of thing that affects our health and well being a thousand times more than any single supplement or food we eat, or chemical cleaner we might use.


I’m tired of waking up tired.

No coffee, tea, or cold shower helps.

No sun or exercise or anything helps.

Anemic tired, without anemia.

Depressive tired, without depression.

Ran a marathon tired

without running a marathon.

I’m busy all night long

when I sleep.

The creative force of Kundalini

acts up and out as I rest.

Naps help.

Long, dead to the world naps.

Help me reboot, defrag.

Kundalini deletes old files

at night when I sleep

leaving my hard drive fragmented

and slow.

It’s a marathon.

Naps help.

Time for a nap.


Life Is A Partnership

After having a spiritual awakening eight years ago, something in me woke up that wanted to know everything about energy healing, and wanted to know it yesterday! The sense of urgency was almost overwhelming as synchronicity after synchronicity fell into my lap. I spent years with my face buried in books and watching videos, receiving intuitive readings and healings, and taking metaphysical classes and attending workshops. Soaking up information like a sponge.

I worked on healing, seeing a number of different practitioners, using a handful of healing modalities, until I found both a modality and practitioner that fit like a glove. Working with her, before I knew it, my consciousness was shifting, changing, with each and every session. And along with profound healing came spiritual truths received claircognizantly.

So many people who are spiritual seekers read spiritual truths that resonate, but either they’re not able to embody the truths, or it takes a lot of work to embody them. My process seems to be a little bit backwards. In healing something that’s been causing emotional or physical pain or discomfort in my life (like being emotionally triggered by family members), the process itself sets a trapped part of myself free and usually includes a message relating to what was being transmuted. The wisdom has been a bonus.

Somewhere around 2016 or 2017, I began to recognized that during trans-personal hypnotherapy sessions, yes I was healing discomforts and pain in life, but I began to put it into other terms: I was healing duality within myself. Healing what I referred to as my human-created fears, anger, sadness and all varieties of pain. Forms of spiritual disconnection. Places where I was out of alignment with my soul.

And I was making a lot of progress. So much so, that I perceived the sparkly, beautiful, Divinity within myself and had more inner peace than I’d ever known. I wish these feelings on everyone on Earth.

At the end of one session, I suddenly downloaded the message that life is a partnership between our soul and our human bodies. It’s the dance we’ve set up during pre-birth planning, between the life force energy stream of our soul and the physical manifestation we co-create with our families, friends, and people we meet along our life’s journey.

Life is all about life in this human, physical body. It’s about the experience we have walking our way through our life’s path, with all the lumps and bumps, twists and turns, fulfilling our soul’s desires to the fullest extent. The tricky thing is, we come into life unaware of some of our soul’s desires and intentions.

I mean, who in their right mind would choose to be abused and raped, and especially by their own family members? Well, apparently my soul made agreements with these souls and chose certain parameters during this life that set up a very high probability of my experiencing some very fucked up things in life.

But we don’t come into life alone. We have guides and angels with us, even if we don’t know it. I didn’t know it until I was in my mid-forties. We receive intuitive whispers telling us which way to go, and are flat-out prevented from experiencing harm that’s not meant to come to us. Yes, my guides and angels allowed my family to abuse and rape me, in accordance with my soul’s desires, but they’ve prevented my leaving the physical world a few times (two that I know of for sure, and likely more). And one of my guardians has kept me from being harmed a handful of times. We are never alone, even when we feel alone.

Apparently, I reached a point in my healing when I needed to be reminded to fully and completely embrace my soul’s decision to incarnate, to appreciate my body for the miracle it is. And not only my body, but my mind and the human created beliefs that have kept me alive. To understand that without creating these orphan pieces of myself, I couldn’t have survived into adulthood. Without fracturing myself over and over again, I wouldn’t have lived to walk the path that led me to where I am today, having now reclaimed so many of these fractured bits and pieces of my inner child.

When a person has been abused and raped, they learn that being in a body isn’t safe, so a significant part of my healing journey has been reaching this point of community within myself. Knowing that life truly is a partnership between our soul and our physical life.

Spring Cleaning

Spring cleaning after a winter of closed windows and wood fires. Going through clothes and belongings, seeing what works and what no longer works. Taking inventory. Becoming familiar again with stuff, and cleaning and clearing out. Wiping away dust, dirt, and getting rid of old worn out junk. Cleaning the windows inside and out, sweep away cobwebs both inside and out.

The snow has melted and the brush has yet to put leaves out. The perfect time to cut back brush, dig up unwanted blackberries, salmonberries, ivy, and other invasive weeds, leaving neat borders around decorative bushes and the yard. The perfect time to take care of branches broken by winter windstorms. The time to get all the branches, sticks and twigs off the lawn; before the grass begins to grow so fast. Our grass never dies throughout the winter – it stays green all year long – even under snow.

It’s time to prune the apple tree and the lone surviving rose plant, and tame the bushes around the house and out in the yard. And start weeding around the house.

And burn all the cuttings before summer when we always have a burn ban.

Lots to do. And I have no energy to do any of it.

I used to love spring. The longer days, more light and less rain, and comfortable temps outside. Getting rid of clutter and things no longer needed. Weeding out old toys when the kid was in school. Freshening up the place. Coming back to life. Getting outside and active again. My favorite form of workout because it was so rewarding.

My Kundalini Awakening has sapped my energy to a trickle. Now I dread spring. My energy field keeps shifting and changing, and it doesn’t stop long enough for me to become grounded. Long enough for me to access my physical energy again. There have been a few days when I had some energy for a few hours, but not many.

Several days ago I began to feel good for the first time in a very long time. It lasted a few hours. And with a family member becoming emotionally triggered, my energy field is whacked out again. Something about their upset resonated with me, and has no doubt created an energy shift in me. I tossed and turned all night afterwards and have been a zombie for two days. But it’s not as bad as six months ago when this same person became triggered and I was wrecked for a few weeks. Progress.

Being a sunny Sunday, I went outside to dig up a few blackberries that had taken root in a garden area, four separate canes, and I’m spent. Four blackberry plants and a few salmonberry plants (another extremely invasive plant around here), and I’m done. I don’t even know if I’ll have any energy to stand at the kitchen counter and chop veggies and chicken to make a pot of soup I wanted to make.

This is my reality. It’s time for spring cleaning. Cleaning I so desperately want to do, and I physically can’t do it. Cleaning out not only dust, dirt, and things no longer needed, but old stagnant energy.

So I watch the spiderwebs grow. And I watch the weeds grow. And I watch the brush and invasive plants take more and more of my yard. And I look through dirty windows. I look at the cluttered mess that is my garage. The one I used to be able to get my car into. And I see boxes of stuff that need to be sorted and dealt with. And I wait. Wait to have energy again.

The thing is, I could wake up any day and have it back.

Guest Post: Aligning with the Highest Self through Hypnotherapy

Five years ago, before Remembering My Divinity was created, a dear soul sister asked me to write a guest post. Here I shared an experience of healing body image, using transpersonal hypnotherapy. To this day, I appreciate and love my body for the miracle it is.


Hi, BigBodyBeautiful friends! This is a guest post by one of the most amazing women I’ve ever had the joy and privilege of knowing. Like many people, Susan (of the kick-ass blog, Mariner to Mother) has suffered deeply at the hands of her caretakers, but what sets Susan apart from others is how she has dealt with this trauma. The difference is her unflinching honesty and responsibility. Susan takes utter responsibility for her healing and her journey here on Mother Earth. I simply LOVE this woman’s presence, her aliveness, and her willingness to work on herself. Please show Susan some love for so bravely putting her story here for us. And, please visit her blog and tell her that Lizzy sent you. XOXO


First, I’d like to thank our dear, sweet, scrumptious Liz for inviting me to guest blog here on Big Body Beautiful.

I’m a former merchant mariner, ship’s deck…

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