The Rollercoaster Rolls On!

Phew! What a ride this Kundalini Awakening is being. It’s taken me from the depths of despair up to utter peace. And back. If I could graph my moods, there would be more ups and downs than I’ve ever had in my life. And the incredible misery – I never knew I could go for so long, feeling so unbelievably horrible. Only for it to lift in mere moments.

My inner, divine truth is fast becoming my waking, conscious truth. It’s incredible.

Most mornings find me waking up feeling unfocused or like complete and utter dog shit. As I move and interact with the world, I slowly begin to ground into present reality, feeling more and more like myself. My grounded, divine self.

Sometimes I feel normal. Good. Integrated. Grounded. Peaceful.

And sometimes it’s hell. Thoughts of paranoia and fear or thoughts that won’t slow down and focus, roll through my mind. And I know they’re not necessarily my truth. My body aches as energy releases. Muscles spasm and let go. My brain goes offline, forgetting everyday words, bringing them back as it reboots. Hearing words spoken, without catching the feeling and true meaning behind them, in time reconnecting my head and heart so I not only hear words, but feel them.

So much of communication comes from our hearts.

The Awakening is cycle after cycle of dying to myself. My human, fear-created self is disappearing, little by little, leaving behind flow, abundance, and peace.

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Channeling Other People’s Disconnects

What I really wanted to call this post is, “Channeling Other People’s Crap.” Because that’s what I’ve been doing for more than a year now. Just before Kundalini energy opened full-force in me, I’d been doing healing work on myself. That’s it. I’ve never been a spiritual seeker, and have never had a meditative or spiritual practice. All I’ve ever been interested in is healing pain that would occasionally pop up in my life. And what I’ve done for the past seven years, has been studying energy healing and working with healers.

I not only learned pain could be healed, but discovered some really effective ways to do it by working with healers. As I did this work, when I used hypnosis, I saw unconscious beliefs within me cause pain, I saw why they were created, watched as they were healed, and intuited spiritual wisdom as part of the process. I downloaded spiritual knowledge and got a hell of an education about the human condition while I let go of my pain.

Over the course of healing a lifetime of pain and disconnection (and then some), I reached a point of being able to walk through the world with an amazing amount of peace in my heart on a daily basis. When people around me were triggered into emotional upset, I wasn’t. When I re-experienced situations that usually triggered my own emotional upset, the triggers were dissolved – gone. I specifically healed many.

And as I healed, I began to reconnect my head and heart. The disconnections we all create simply because we’re human, began to disappear. The two biggies being trust in the world and trust in myself. Those become fractured in childhood as a condition of being human.

I saw the seminal moment when I was a toddler and lost faith in the world; and healed it. I saw the seminal moment when I was a young child and lost faith in myself as an individual; and healed it.

It was amazing to be in the flow of life so often. To flow with life so effortlessly, much of the time. And to know that when I needed something, I would be directed to it, or it would be brought to me when the time was right.

And then I experienced another awakening. My consciousness shifted. Big time. I saw when it happened (during a hypnosis session). Since then, I not only see the world through different lenses, but am no longer healing only my stuff.

It’s like, the Universe recognized that I’d healed enough of my own stuff, that it was time to jack me up to a new level. One where in some sense, I’m starting over, feeling like I have no energetic boundaries again (after having very specifically healed personal boundaries). My heart is so very open. And because of it, I’m unable to stop taking on the energetic disconnection of those I’m close to when there’s resonance in me. And yes, there is a deep level of resonance with certain issues. Issues that everyone shares at a level of mass consciousness.

What’s frustrating is, I’ve already done “my” work. At least that’s how it feels. I’ve already healed the crap that was created in my own life (and several past lives). Yet, I’m intuiting crap from people around me. People I deeply love and care about. And it’s getting healed. Again. And it’s deep. Very deep. And intense to process.

It’s an extremely painful and difficult process, yet the wisdom and healing that’s resulting is unparalleled. You can’t buy this stuff.

A year ago, I reconnected with some family I hadn’t seen in five years. Since my mother’s funeral. During those five years, one family member, who I used to be very close with, had her feelings hurt badly. And it was important for she and I to reconnect and heal. While we were together, one of her issues rose up suddenly, and I intuited her thoughts, thinking they were mine… at first.

“This is not my house.” The thoughts boomed through my head. A moment later, in the privacy of my bedroom, a torrent of tears came, in release.

I unexpectedly let go of the belief that this summer cottage belonged to me. This haven where I not only spent every summer of my young life, but lived for a good chunk of my twenties. Before that moment, the cottage meant the world to me. It was one of the places I truly felt was home. As much as I’m only a co-owner of the cottage, I had a significant heart connection to it.

It took until the next day for me to figure out that I’d completely picked up on this family member’s unconscious belief. I very unconsciously and unintentionally tuned into it, and because it resonated with me, it was instantly healed in me. Not in her, but me. She (who is not an owner of the cottage) still holds this belief. Yet I’m now 100% aware that she lives with this belief tucked away deep within her.

This same thing has happened a number of times with those I’m close to. If I share a strong connection with a person and their unconscious beliefs become activated (ie, they get upset about something), if there’s any resonance within me, my energetic system will begin ringing out, and instead of my becoming upset along with them, healing is instantly created. I’ll experience a very deep energetic shift within me that is beyond my ability to control. I can’t stop it and don’t know when it might happen.

A year ago, it was all I could do to find a private place to let go of the tsunami of tears that burst out of me, before the dam broke. People get really upset when you bawl in front of them. I had to explain over and over to my husband about the difference between being upset and having a deep emotional release through crying. He still doesn’t really understand and gets upset, so I hide it from him. My son too. If he sees me upset, or sees I’ve been crying, I remind him that I’m not sad or upset. It’s just a release. And I remind him to try to not take it personally as he’s done nothing to upset me. It’s hard for my family to see me struggle. They’ve never done healing work, and frankly, aren’t really interested in it.

These days, because I’ve healed a number of things that my family lives with (as they became emotionally activated, I picked up on their crap and healed it), I’m aware of their stuff on a higher level. This is stuff that everyone lives with. The disconnects that all human beings have, like “We always hurt the ones we love.” I’ve not only healed this in me, but I also understand why we do it. The wisdom was downloaded into me as it was healed. Bam! A new level of awareness was created. This is ascension.

Issues relating to relationships, abundance, health, life and death, and time. The whole nine yards. I see life differently now. I understand life from different perspectives because of picking up on other people’s disconnects. And because of healing my family’s disconnects within me, I can now hold space for them instead of becoming upset right along with them. I can be a safe, nonjudgmental space for them.

As a human being, I have to say this awakening is a most difficult and uncomfortable rodeo, and lately, it beyond sucks. It’s one of those things when sometimes I’d rather be done with this life than have to endure more of this shit. But even those moments are eventually released.

All of those expressions that people love to hate are now my reality. “That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” “God only gives you what you can handle.” Until you’ve been through hell and back, you can’t appreciate these sayings.

When you’re still going through hell, they’re not always helpful to hear. And I constantly remind myself that this awakening is a process. Life won’t always feel like hell. And as much as it’s still very uncomfortable every day, it’s not all day long. And it’s not as bad as it was a year ago. One day, I’ll wake up and will feel like me again. The new me. I won’t wake up feeling this internal pushing against myself that is so uncomfortable and so not me. And I won’t always wake up exhausted from processing so much stuff all night long.

One day I’ll stop channeling other people’s crap and healing it. Or it will eventually happen so infrequently that I’ll be able to become fully integrated before the next shift happens. One day, the amount of inner change will slow down so I can feel grounded again.

And that will be an amazing time.

Lost Summer

Every day has been a battle to make it through the day. I don’t feel normal or like myself, and trying to do the most simple things requires unimaginable effort. In my society, there is no allowance for simply being, unless you are diagnosed as very sick or disabled in some way. And I am not. Yet functioning on the most basic level is not easy at all.

Going through a Kundalini Awakening for me is being the singularly biggest trial in my life thus far. I wake up every day feeling like absolute shit. It’s difficult to focus and much of my brain thoughts are quite negative – which is not me. I have no energy – which is not me, yet it’s been me for over a year now.

The hours I spend in bed, in our recliner, or on the sofa are times when I’m struggling the most to just survive, yet those who don’t understand would call me lazy. They have no idea how hard I’m working in those moments to simply stay alive. It looks like depression, but it’s not. It’s exhaustion from too much healing happening too fast.

Going away last fall, dragging my butt across country to a place I usually adore and long for, was very difficult. Knowing there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be very functional this summer, I planned no vacation trips. Why spend lots of money to go somewhere when you can’t even begin to enjoy it?

No house projects that were derailed over a year ago are moving forward, and none that still need to be done will be started. It’s all I can do to get my son to do part of the yard work that needs to be done.

Speaking of my son, I don’t have the energy to take him out to a nearby lake or to the ocean to swim or paddle around, which we used to do several times every summer. And with his anxiety off the charts this summer, it’s just as well. He’s not really up for it anyway.

I want to reach out for the community of those who’ve gone through a Kundalini Awakening, yet their experience is not mine. I have connected briefly with two women I casually know through a local healing center, who’ve gone through this Awakening, yet what helped them get through is not helpful for me.

Well meaning people tell me to meditate. Not helpful. Go receive Reiki or do healing work. Not helpful. My body and energy field are creating healing shifts and alignment all on their own. Too much, too fast. I can’t become fully integrated before another shift happens. And when I’m this disconnected and raw, I’m extremely sensitive. My emotions sit right up at the surface, ready to roar. And that’s not normal for me. Yet it has been.

My situation is a conundrum of deeply wanting connection and community, yet simultaneously craving solitude. Connecting with others has the potential to create healing shifts in my energy field simply because they are human. And I need the shifts to stop. I can’t have conversations with any depth lately, and I hate small talk generally.

It’s been too long since I came up for air, and even though I know I could wake up any day and things would feel very different, most mornings I wake up and dread the day ahead. A simple thought can create a lightning spike of fear to run through me and then reverberate for days, or cause a major muscle to seize in pain. And that’s not me. Yet it has been.

Sometimes I feel better by afternoon or evening, but not the past several days.

I long for this nightmare to be behind me. The scary thing is, it might be a few years yet, and I really want to have fun next summer.

A Spiritual Perspective of Anxiety

Sometimes our heads lie to us. Our bodies join in, and life can be mighty uncomfortable. Such is the case with anxiety. And I don’t mean getting worried about an upcoming job interview or being nervous about meeting someone new. I’m talking about Anxiety with a capital A.

I’m talking about doing something routine and suddenly feeling like you’re going to die. I’m talking about thinking about having to do something you don’t want to do, and having your brain melt; shut down. Sheer terror panic. Heart beating out of your chest. Sweating. Stomach ready to hurl. Bowls ready to let go. Vision narrowing as you’re on the verge of passing out.

As human beings, our brain’s and body’s main purpose is to keep us alive. And they’ll do whatever’s necessary to keep our heart beating.

So why would we want to live in a body whose brain constantly lies to us? Why would anyone choose to inhabit a body that lets us think we’re dying, when we’re not?

As a soul, we’re looking to have experiences that give us opportunities to grow. And one of the most efficient routes to growth is through painful experiences.

Being a human being is an experience of contrast.

When we exist as pure energy, as pure spirit, it’s very different from our experience as a human being. As spirit, we know we’re all connected to each other. We don’t have brains or bodies that so often cause pain in our lives. And our only definition of love is unconditional acceptance.

We experience soul growth as spirit, but having a life as a human being, having no awareness of ourselves beyond our body and brain, enables us to have experiences we can’t have otherwise.

Some of us choose to have a lifetime of mental health challenges. We find the body, family, time period, and place on earth that suits our needs and those of our soul family. In the case of my son, he chose a family with some mental health and other brain based issues, giving him a high genetic possibility of creating anxiety. His birth was engineered to work with his genes and his family to create a person with extreme sensitivities in life.

As a soul, my son was up for some big-time life challenges. But he also picked a family who would be fully supportive of him. He and I have shared lifetimes together before. I know of one where our roles were flipped, with he being my mother, and I being his son with special needs. In that lifetime, he was very supportive of me. It’s my turn to be supportive of him.

When I discovered energy healing, my young son received the benefits of a few different modalities and healers. They all helped. In the past several years, we’ve tried traditional therapy, a host of alternative therapies and naturopathic care. He still experiences panic attacks, and with puberty, he now experiences pervasive anxiety.

Sometimes with age, developmental issues either lessen or resolve. It’s obvious that anxiety is not going away.

It’s gotten to the point of exploring medications to help his brain.

Over the course of figuring out how to best help my son, I’ve had to heal several of my own demons. Eventually, I was able to understand that my son’s difficulty with going to school was more than just having a personality conflict with his teacher. His inability to do homework and inability to ride the school bus and eventually his inability to go to school was beyond his control.

During the past few years of having him at home, one of the things I finally got through to him is that anxiety isn’t his fault. Having a panic attack isn’t something he can will away. (It’s been a process for both of us). It’s a brain thing.

He’s a bit easier on himself, knowing this. But he also knows that anxiety and panic attacks have affected his life. And because of this, he’s onboard with trying medications. We’re in the midst of medication trials right now.

Anxiety is just one challenge my son’s soul chose. And right now, it’s the one that’s impacting his life the most significantly.

As a human being, it sucks to have panic attacks and to experience anxiety. As a mother, it hurts my heart to see my son struggle. But life isn’t only pain. There is a lot of love and compassion. In fact, more so because of the struggles.

And that’s why we’re here: to bring in the love.

Our Love Story

My love,

This is our love story.

Loving you wasn’t easy at first. Our beginnings were fraught with denial. I majored in denial and got an A. The funny thing is, the longer I denied you, the more I couldn’t. That first flutter I felt eventually turned into something that wasn’t indigestion. As my body changed, it gave you away.

You are living proof of what I tried to disavow. I tried to dismiss your existence. I didn’t want to admit that you might actually be. I tried to stop him and pretend it wasn’t happening. It most definitely happened, because you are forever real.

You entered my life with an undeniable burst of life force energy that no one could prevent. You were bound and determined to be here on this planet, at this amazing time of change, no matter what it took.

You agreed to be cast into my life’s theater, playing the role of my daughter to help me learn some mighty powerful lessons through some wickedly challenging experiences. You loved me enough to agree to be born through the wrong body, in the wrong situation, so you could be given to your rightful mother. And I’m sure to my core, that she loves you down to the marrow.

You loved me enough to agree to give me the opportunity to come into my own personal power by helping me initially feel powerless. You were part of the magnificent orchestration that taught me to not trust or value myself so I could one day experience trusting, valuing, and knowing myself in a way that couldn’t happen without you.

You helped give rise to situations where I inadvertently donned a cloak of shame, so I could later have the amazing experience of casting it off, allowing my bright, sparkly light to shine again.

You came to teach me to be selfless when it mattered, and to grow into honoring, respecting, and loving myself through my life’s journey.

I now see that you loved me enough to go through this with me; to have only a very short time here with me. You knew that even though we would meet face to face for a mere few days, when this gig is all over, we’ll meet at the wrap party and have eternity together.

For this, I am forever grateful and will always hold you deep in my heart.

Love,

Your Birth Mother

Awakening

My Kundalini Awakening is changing how I perceive the world. It’s changing the lens through which I see and interpret everything in my life. It’s healing where I’m out of alignment with my soul, changing my inner truth. It’s bringing up much of my life that I was unconscious to, bringing it back to consciousness. My awareness of things in life is expanding and expanding. And it’s happening in flashes of new awareness; like waking up and suddenly remembering something I’d forgotten.

Ascension, awakening, expansion of consciousness, remembering. This is what’s been going on in a very big way.

The connection to my higher self is so strong it feels like I’m embodying it more and more. That wise part of my being that’s connected to Source, to All That Is.

But because my physical body exists in a vibratory state that is worlds slower than my soul, as much as I’m able to clear beliefs that have held my physical state as it’s been, raising my body’s energetic vibration, it takes time for my new level of awareness to come fully into focus.

The world of energy healing concentrates on releasing blocks from our body, allowing our (spirit) energy to flow through us. When I’ve done mini energy healing session at a local spiritual reading and healing center, I’d imagine a person’s energy block as an ice cube, and ask the person’s higher self if they could allow the block to melt away. Gently. Trying to force another person’s energy blocks to clear, dynamiting them away is a great way to make them sick. To bring on a healing crisis for them.

I experienced this when after a handful of sessions with a healer, my gallbladder got into big trouble.

Kundalini energy has made my energy field so completely open to those around me that if someone is emotionally charged, especially if it’s someone I have a strong connection with, their activated unconscious belief will ring out in me and will be healed in me without my having to go into meditation or to have a healing session to release my own block.

“We always hurt the ones we love.”

“I can’t take this shit anymore.”

“I can’t do this.”

“It’s all my fault.”

These are a few of the beliefs I’ve picked up from people around me, that were healed and created shifts in my consciousness. I wasn’t even aware I had any issues in these areas. As the healing happened, higher wisdom came to me. And new awareness was downloaded into my cells.

“We always hurt the ones we love.” We’re more likely to let our hair down around our family and close friends, and to hurt their feelings (either intentionally or not), because there’s a deep sense of trust and safety with them. We know that if we hurt their feelings once in a while, we can make amends, or they’ll get over it.

We’re more careful with our words and actions around strangers and people we don’t know well because we have an innate need to not alienate them. When we don’t know someone, our brain goes on alert. Until our brains assess and categorize them, we don’t know if they’re a danger to us, if they’re friendly and fun, or where they land on the spectrum of safety, trust and how well they resonate with us.

If a loved one gets upset with me, I don’t take it personally because I know that whatever they’re upset about is all about their own unconscious belief that is acting up.

All sorts of beliefs around relationships, money, health and well being are coming up and being healed. New awareness is being created as wisdom is downloaded into me. Wired into me at a cellular level.

If all my new awareness over the past seventeen months were put into me at once, I’d either lose my mind permanently, become catatonic, or commit suicide. And the pain in my body would be overwhelming. It would be too much to handle. It would be like the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when they look into the Ark of the Covenant and can’t handle what they see because the vibration is too high for them to process. As it is, I feel like I’m on the brink of being able to handle it much of the time.

Fortunately, my soul knows the gig of life is to stay alive until I reach “mission complete”, and I’m far from done. So as much as my experience of Kundalini energy has been making my life a living hell, it won’t kill me (although it sure came close one day). In fact, as I’m going through all of this extreme healing, my body is becoming healthier overall, and scores of unconscious beliefs that have been blocks in my energy field are leaving.

One of the beliefs that’s hard-wired into everyone is the belief that they’re alone; that no one can relate to what they’re going through. The feeling of being alone is one that can hit us even if we’re in a room full of people.

The first time I became aware of this belief, I’d been regressed in hypnosis back to the initiation of an uncomfortable feeling that kept coming up. I didn’t know what the feeling was, other than generalized discomfort, and when I went so far back in time that I hadn’t even been born yet, it blew my mind. Yet at the same time, part of me knew I existed before I was born. I’d just forgotten.

As the belief of “being alone” came into my consciousness, I was told and shown that we’re never alone. We are always accompanied on this journey called life. We always have guides and hosts of beings in spirit watching over us and at our beck and call. Always!

Since then, this same belief came up as I floated in a sensory deprivation tank and tuned into pain in my shoulder that flared up as I floated. As I followed the physical pain in my mind, going back in time to when I first experienced it, I was taken back to when the veil between this world and the spirit world fell. Back to when my awareness was cut off from knowing I was connected to everyone and everything. A moment in time when part of me became terrified and felt alone for the first time in my life.

As I reconnected to the lost part of myself, the voice of Source/God blasted through my third eye (my 6th Chakra) telling me with absolute certainty that I am never alone. I am always connected to Source, and am in fact created of this energy and am an essential part of it (as is everyone). With a huge emotional release of tears, the stuck part of me who’d believed she was alone was freed.

The wisdom gleaned was: as human beings, there are times we feel alone when we think no one can relate to what we’re going through. And the truth is, we each walk our own very individual path in life. Yet we all feel the same emotions and experience the same feelings.

As much as my Kundalini experience is very unique to me, the feelings and emotions that come and go, ebb and flow, are universal.

As human beings, the way we see and experience the world is unique to each person. But we all know fear, anger, sadness, and jealousy. We all know happiness, contentment, joy and peace. And we all know love and acceptance.

Awakening is a journey being squeezed and released, of resistance and surrender. It’s a journey of opening up awareness, of unfolding consciousness, of knowing things because they resonate in my cells. It’s a journey of massive soul retrieval and reconnection, creating alignment with my soul. It’s a journey of shifting my inner truth bit by bit. Becoming aware of and accepting of myself and in return feeling compassion for those around me.

Head Misery

A huge part of my Kundalini Awakening is head rewiring. While my head is being rewired, my thoughts are a shit-storm of lies combined with my expanded awareness. What this means is, I see and notice things around me that I barely paid attention to before, and initially as I do so, all sorts of fearful thoughts become triggered. As my head shifts and changes, as it rewires new thought pathways, I can see/take in all these new things without becoming emotionally set off. But it takes time. Weeks. During the weeks of integration, life is a living hell. Especially when I first get up in the morning.

And the real shit is, as soon as I begin to feel good again, stable and a bit normal, something else inside me comes up and another shift leading to expanded awareness happens. And I’m off to the rodeo again. Sleep is all about processing my mental and emotional stuff and waking up exhausted. Every. Single. Day. I haven’t woken up rested in well over a year.

Naps are critical.

While my own dark night of the soul, shit-storm of hell does its thing, I’m trying to be a functional mother and wife. And I’m not being very functional with either of those. But things are getting done. Barely.

Keeping my awareness focused on the “here and now” is exceedingly difficult lately. While my head is being rewired, my thoughts run off like a rabid squirrel, darting to and fro, jetting into the future – months and then years – until they run out of steam or until they hit on something that triggers fear in me and I remind myself to focus on the here and now. It’s exhausting.

There is zero ability to quiet the mind. It’s off to the races, every day. If I try to get quiet, the noise in my head gets louder and louder.

On my darkest days, my body shuts down in exhaustion and I lose faith in myself. I lose faith in my decision to incarnate, in my ability to do this thing called life. Thoughts of complete and total defeat, inability to cope, and utter despair fill my head.

When I can get to a quiet, secluded place, I allow feelings of despair to rise up from deep down. I let the wave overcome me until I burst into tears, sobbing from the depths of my deepest heart. Freeing whatever it was that was stuck in me.

I’m released from the darkness for a little while, as if having been held deep under water, finally being allowed a breath of air. Then the cycle of deep inner transformation begins again.

You Can “Save” Yourself

When I was a little girl, I went to bed dreaming of being saved by a knight on a white horse riding in and taking me away. I remember so many nights lying in bed, wanting nothing more than to be saved. Yet as an adult, I couldn’t remember why. I couldn’t remember what I wanted to be saved from. Until I began using hypnotic regression as a healing tool.

I believe everyone wants to be saved or rescued at one time or another. Looking at the energetic vibration of the “need to be saved” it comes from a place of feeling completely disempowered. Looking outside ourselves for the person (or the substance or the quick fix) that will make everything all better. It’s a quality of being human.

I’d actually forgotten about these yearning desires I had as a young girl until I unexpectedly reconnected with her while in a hypnotic state. I could see the little girl in me, living with people who sometimes treated her very badly, stuck in her misery. Stuck in time. Still waiting for a knight on a white horse to save her. She felt so completely disempowered and miserable, feeling trapped, wanting to run away from it all. In fact, I’d tried to run away a few times, but didn’t get beyond our yard.

As my hypnotherapist guided me, I was able to see through the eyes of my inner child and then help her see through my wise adult eyes. My inner child was able to see that she made a conscious choice to subjugate her own will to that of her mother’s, because if she didn’t, life would be a lot more painful. She finally understood that giving away some of her power allowed her to survive. And with a shift in perspective, my inner child let go her pain and became joyful. She was free from feelings of disempowerment, and free from the desire to be saved.

At one point, my inner child perked up and said I’d gone back and saved her. Rescued her. She began to laugh because I’m not a knight on a white horse.

And In fact, I saved myself. Anyone can do this.

I use hypnotherapy because it works for me. Many people use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or Tapping as it’s also known. And there are many other healing modalities that help us heal our emotions.

The next time you feel like you need to be saved, acknowledge that it’s your inner child speaking up. It’s merely a young part of yourself that at one time gave up their power, subjugated their will to another. And they did it quite literally in order to survive. Thank them and love them for what they did, and let them know you’ve got it now.

And if your religion has taught you that you need to do certain things or act a certain way in order to “be saved”, understand it was merely their way of getting you to act lovingly and not react out of fear. The irony is, religious leaders, like many parents, have used fear and control as a tactic to steer behavior. The only hell is one of our own making, and heaven is a state of mind that can be touched while we’re still here in human form.

Not Having Fun Yet

I don’t fit in my body.

My energy field and body are out of sync.

Way out of sync.

They tell me to meditate and to get quiet and go within

But I can’t.

They don’t understand.

It’s not that I need to release stuck energy, an emotional burden.

The releases just happen.

Like a lightning flash after the build-up of electricity.

And now my body is trying to catch up.

My brain is rewiring.

I can’t focus. Again.

I’m exhausted. Still.

Kundalini has made my system so open and sensitive to everyone’s energy.

Too open and sensitive. I need a cave.

I’m raw.

My emotions bubble at the surface.

My energy field reaches out to yours and finds unconscious pain.

With a flash of lightning I’ve shifted again.

Because I relate to everyone. I resonate with everyone’s pain.

Tears so deep, my heart twists and aches in my chest.

Anger so hot it takes everything I have to not act it out.

It’s been a few days since the last lightning strike

And my heart contracted and expanded yet again. Huge.

Today the tissues, muscles and bones around my heart are adjusting.

They don’t fit. It’s all sore and out of whack.

Wearing a bra hurts. Can’t I just wear my PJ’s and robe all day?

My ribs and back bone are out of whack.

In a few more days or so this should pass.

I not only resonate with the pain of the world,

But it’s being healed in me.

Bit by bit.

Shift by shift.

Flash by flash.

Storm by storm.

Can I be done? Please?

It’s too hard.

I can’t do this.

But I am.

The Razor’s Edge

She’s filled with rage and tears
But they can’t find their way out.

Feeling boxed in, nowhere to turn
She turns to the razor.

With every cut, the pain
Finally reaches the surface.

As the blood drips
Down in tears she can’t cry.

Years later with the pain
Still deep inside, rising again

The little slices and dices
No longer relieve the pain

Of having been sliced and diced
By her own mother’s tongue

And she fantasizes about the razor.
This time one last cut.

One final cut to end all her pain.
Once and for all.

To end the dance on the razor’s
Edge between life and death.

But no matter how hard it gets
No matter how much pain she’s in,

She can’t go through with it
Because no one dies without permission.

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As much as part of this poem is semi autobiographical (I’ve never engaged in cutting), I experienced a lot of inner pain in my young life. However, I never entertained thoughts of ending it all until I was an adult; but they were fantasies I knew I’d never act on.

Until one day when I suddenly and unexpectedly moved from fantasy to an impulse to take action. A split second after I’d made the decision to actively take my life, spirit intervened, flooding me with horror of what I was about to do and filling my head with the word, “Help!”

I immediately reached out for help, and a dear friend talked me down.

I absolutely did not have permission to take my life that day.

This behavior was unusual for me, and looking back, I pretty quickly figured out that because Kundalini energy had made my system extremely sensitive and intuitively open, I picked up on thoughts that weren’t really my own; yet because they resonated with me, they rang out big-time. And for a little while, I believed them. It was very scary. Yet, because of the experience, I know spirit can and will intervene.

I was about to take a step to deal with internal pain that would have been permanent, and I didn’t have permission to end this life’s journey yet. Not by a long shot.

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If you have immediate concerns about a person’s mental health and feel they might be a danger to themselves or others, contact 911. If the danger doesn’t feel immediate, reach out to them and/or their friends or family. (To whomever they trust).

If you feel suicidal and want to talk to someone, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. If you’re more comfortable texting, for any type of emotional crisis, text the word CONNECT to 741741 to be connected with a trained crisis counselor. Just a note that this info is for the United States.