When we experience painful things in life, our mind protects us in a number of ways including blocking out memories. Memories are also blocked as part of the evolution of our consciousness from infant to toddler to child, through the creation of beliefs that over time become unconscious to us. While I was doing healing work, using hypnosis to suss out the trigger of emotional reactions that I tried unsuccessfully to quell with food, I witnessed the creation of several beliefs of less-than and brokenness, and healed them. What I very unexpectedly experienced along the way was reconnection to my core, Divine self.
With each release of an unconscious belief that was brought to light, my inner perception shifted from one of being defective or broken, to one of being perfect as I am. As separated parts of my consciousness were brought back into the fold, they began to remember their innate Divinity. Light from deep within me began to shine brighter and brighter as all forms of blackness were transmuted from anger, hate, evil, sadness and other forms of rejection, back into the pure potential of what the Universe is created from: love.
Before I’d ventured into digging into my past and working on myself, I walked the world as a fairly accomplished person on the one hand, yet with a deep sense of having something wrong with me that I attributed to my being overweight. From the time I was thirteen years old, I believed I was too fat and needed to lose weight. That’s when the diets began. And the failure after diets began as well. If something wasn’t working for me, it was because I was too fat. The irony is, I wasn’t fat, but I eventually became so.
My inadequacy manifested as my being too fat. This became the tape that played over and over in my head.
Food was my drug of choice. I craved it. I denied myself of it. It was my savior, my enemy, and I couldn’t quit it or I’d die.
When dieting finally failed me enough times that I could no longer go there, I turned to hypnotherapy. I was about thirty-six the first time I ventured into this realm where magic happened. One of my first magic experiences was experiencing my higher self, when I didn’t even know what a higher self was. I’ll never forget the strength, compassion and love, existing beyond what my little brain could comprehend. It was incredible.
After working with a few different hypnotherapists as years of life went by, when I was forty-eight I met the one whose blend of her various talents and training was a fabulous match for me. Working with her, I made incredible progress, bringing up unconscious beliefs, seeing things from my past that had been long-buried, and setting myself free. I began to change from the inside out, reconnecting with my inner self and eternal wisdom (Divinity). And when life threw things at me that brought up buckets of fear and other forms of resistance, I took them into sessions, creating more and more healing.
I began to see how we split our psyches, burying things in our unconscious mind until we were ready to bring them up and heal them. I not only saw my mother’s verbal abuse of me, but my older brother’s domineering behavior towards me that eventually became sexual abuse.
I saw how I loved these people and wanted them to love me too. How I sought their approval, despite how they treated me.
Over the course of doing healing work and reading about abuse and healing, I finally understood why as a girl I kept wanting my brother to love me and to accept me, when his behavior toward me was either neutral or predatory. I don’t remember him ever being able to be a proud champion for me, because you can’t give what you don’t have. When he began raping me, as much as I tried to stop him, part of me was shocked into submission that he would do such a thing to me. He was bigger and stronger than me and told me not to tell or I’d get into trouble. That was all it took. Between my mentally ill mother’s manic behavior, my predatory older brother, and my sensitive nature, I’d been groomed my entire life to have no voice of my own, and I was terrified to get in trouble.
When a person is raped, attacked, or abused, there is a part of them that takes on blame. This is a function of our brain’s trying to cope with the unthinkable. There is this niggling little voice that tells us it’s our fault.
It took me until my late thirties and working with a counselor to quell that voice in me. It was almost twenty-five years after the molestation began that I finally felt like a victim. And the anger roared! It rolled inside me and began to rage.
The thing about being human is this other emotion that gets rolled up into being a victim, and it’s called shame. Because we have blamed ourselves for being raped, and rape is such a heinous thing, we take on a mantle of shame. And when the abuser is someone we know, or worse yet, a member of our own family, the mantle is so thick and heavy it can make us sick in a variety of ways.
As Brené Brown so eloquently states, the #1 antidote for shame is empathy.
Speaking our truth and having others support us, not shun us, is the antidote for the ultimate fear of rejection and abandonment. We keep secrets and stay silent because of this deeply held fear.
In my case, during a hypnosis session, I experienced a very unexpected angelic intervention of deep healing of shame. A massive angel held me, healing me of all shame in my life. And to this day I feel no shame.
So, after being raped, attacked, or traumatized, first we blame ourselves, and we heap on shame. After time and healing, we’re finally able to take on the label of victim. We cast of shame. The only problem with getting stuck there is being stuck with all the anger and frustration, and other negative emotions that love to revisit. Healing the inner blame is the next step, and takes work.
Just a quick note that I’m not addressing the physical effects of being traumatized or victimized, but the emotions are tied with physical effects as well.
What healing work has done and is doing for me is reaching those unconscious parts of me that keep the old tapes replaying and releasing them. It’s reaching that teenager who’s been stuck for decades, enraged at her brother’s behavior, and that little girl who just wants to be loved and accepted for who she is, and shifting their perceptions. Setting them free. Rage is gone. Sadness is gone. Replaced with inner peace.
Healing moves us beyond being a victim, freeing us from the shackles of the past. And my most recent level of healing (with the help of Kundalini energy) has created freedom from attachment, from the need or want of relationships I never had. The pain of my relationship with my mother has been healed, and because she’s gone now, I’m able to put that relationship to bed. I no longer carry sadness or anger that I didn’t have a mother who was able to be loving and supportive the majority of my childhood.
The pain of wanting my brother to be someone he was never able to be has been healed. I no longer want, need or desire his acceptance or approval. Our relationship is done as far as I’m concerned.
When I think of him, I see a somewhat broken person who has no connection with his inner guidance. I see someone who has spent his life trying to find a sense of himself by looking toward others – feeling powerless and trying to feel powerful through his behavior with those around him. It’s truly sad. Unfortunately, I still have to communicate with him from time to time. And when I do, instead of rage immediately becoming triggered, I am able to be mostly calm inside. Although, truth be told, I’d rather not have to deal with him at all.
My journey of healing from the pain of life has taken me from amnesia to remembering and soul reconnection. It’s taken me from a place of holding onto blame, wearing shame, to casting those off and claiming victimhood. It’s been moving through victimhood, healing ancient shackles of pain, anger and woundedness, reclaiming my Divine self and spiritual perception of life. And the ride is far from over.