The Razor’s Edge

She’s filled with rage and tears
But they can’t find their way out.

Feeling boxed in, nowhere to turn
She turns to the razor.

With every cut, the pain
Finally reaches the surface.

As the blood drips
Down in tears she can’t cry.

Years later with the pain
Still deep inside, rising again

The little slices and dices
No longer relieve the pain

Of having been sliced and diced
By her own mother’s tongue

And she fantasizes about the razor.
This time one last cut.

One final cut to end all her pain.
Once and for all.

To end the dance on the razor’s
Edge between life and death.

But no matter how hard it gets
No matter how much pain she’s in,

She can’t go through with it
Because no one dies without permission.

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As much as part of this poem is semi autobiographical (I’ve never engaged in cutting), I experienced a lot of inner pain in my young life. However, I never entertained thoughts of ending it all until I was an adult; but they were fantasies I knew I’d never act on.

Until one day when I suddenly and unexpectedly moved from fantasy to an impulse to take action. A split second after I’d made the decision to actively take my life, spirit intervened, flooding me with horror of what I was about to do and filling my head with the word, “Help!”

I immediately reached out for help, and a dear friend talked me down.

I absolutely did not have permission to take my life that day.

This behavior was unusual for me, and looking back, I pretty quickly figured out that because Kundalini energy had made my system extremely sensitive and intuitively open, I picked up on thoughts that weren’t really my own; yet because they resonated with me, they rang out big-time. And for a little while, I believed them. It was very scary. Yet, because of the experience, I know spirit can and will intervene.

I was about to take a step to deal with internal pain that would have been permanent, and I didn’t have permission to end this life’s journey yet. Not by a long shot.

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If you have immediate concerns about a person’s mental health and feel they might be a danger to themselves or others, contact 911. If the danger doesn’t feel immediate, reach out to them and/or their friends or family. (To whomever they trust).

If you feel suicidal and want to talk to someone, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. If you’re more comfortable texting, for any type of emotional crisis, text the word CONNECT to 741741 to be connected with a trained crisis counselor. Just a note that this info is for the United States.

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Forgiveness

My journey of healing, has truly been a journey of healing my heart. It’s been a journey of finding things within that have caused me to reject love; ultimately, to reject myself. That’s what healing really is: creating internal change that allows life force energy (love) to flow through where it was once blocked.

The kicker is, these blocks are created initially to help keep us alive. They are part of our desired experience of life.

Forgiveness is the feeling of letting go of an internal block. It’s finding a way to change your heart; to become accepting where you formerly weren’t. To let yourself feel love again. To allow love to flow again.

As human beings, we are taught to forgive from our head – just say these words and you’ll feel better. Sometimes that can change our heart, and sometimes not. The easiest way to forgive someone is when we’re able to see through their eyes; to understand their feelings and motivation.

But how can we forgive someone who’s hurt us when they’re not sorry? How can we forgive someone who has damaged us, who has ruined us, when they don’t think for a minute they’re in the wrong?

You don’t. You don’t forgive THEM.

Because forgiveness is an inside job. All healing is an inside job.

In healing work, the focus is inside, not out. We look at feelings and emotions as guides, as breadcrumbs to follow.

The thing is, once I was able to see beneath the surface of my own seething rage, the rage I felt toward the person who did me wrong, what I found was rejection. I was rejecting myself. Blaming myself for a perceived wrongdoing. That young girl who became stuck in time, deep inside, was only stuck because she’d grabbed onto a belief. A belief that allowed her to make it through some horrible experiences without going crazy or killing herself. She believed it was her fault.

Yet, once the immediate danger was over, that part of me was unable to move on. For decades. Despite being able to finally accept that what happened to me wasn’t my fault, part of my unconscious mind held fast to her belief.

Because she was unable to move on, she’d occasionally act up. Any time I thought about the past or connected with someone who’d been through a similar experience, she’d call out to me through anger. I would become angry, enraged, seething, and could lash out like a viper.

I didn’t even know why I kept getting so angry. After all, what happened was in the past, wasn’t it? And I’d become so angry even when the perpetrator was nowhere near me, and wasn’t even in contact with me. All I had to do was think about what happened. WTF?

Using hypnotherapy to follow trails of emotions, I was able to find and meet parts of myself who’d become stuck in time. And what I found were little girl after little girl who was unable to move forward because she held fast to the belief that she wasn’t ok. She refused to let go of what she believed in because it was her belief that kept her alive. Kept me alive (so she thought).

It wasn’t until I was able to directly connect with her, to have a conversation with her, that she would have an epiphany. I’d let her see her situation through my adult eyes, the situation that contributed to the creation of her belief.

Sometimes, just recognizing that I’d gone on and grown up, that I was still alive, and that she and I were the same person, was enough for a part of me to let go of her belief. Other times, sharing my adult wisdom with the little girl in me, allowed her to see that she’d taken on a belief from someone else. Together we’d look at something that had happened, the event when she created her belief, and we’d work through it.

Instead of holding onto a belief that she was defective, one little girl was finally able to see that her behavior all those years ago was completely age appropriate. As a toddler, it’s absolutely age appropriate to be defiant and willful. And further, during the session dealing with the belief of being defective, the little girl suddenly became aware that she’d actually taken on that very belief from her mother. Her own mother carried the belief deep down inside herself that she was defective, no doubt taken from her mother.

That was a popular one in my family. In many families, the words are usually something along the lines of, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you do what you’re told?” When you hear those lines enough times, you eventually take on the belief that there’s something wrong with you. And it sticks.

The moment the little girl felt safe enough to let her belief go, the transformation was immediate. The moment she let go of whatever belief had kept her stuck, she’d immediately become happy and joyful. She’d ring out with new beliefs of being perfect and amazing. I didn’t have to instill these in her, they are our inner nature. They are our higher truth.

In that moment, the life force energy, the love that I’d been keeping from myself was once again flowing. The block was permanently dissolved.

For me, forgiveness is all about finding bits and pieces of myself, my inner child, who still hold themselves separate from my current awareness of myself. It’s about finding them and inviting them back home into my heart. It’s about letting them know their work is done; they can let go of whatever belief has been keeping them stuck. Stuck in time. Stuck believing a lie.

It’s about ending self-blame by understanding that things happened that weren’t my fault. I couldn’t have stopped them from happening. I tried to stop things from happening.

It’s knowing not only in my mind, but in my heart that I did the very best I could do IN THE MOMENT and I wasn’t able to take 100% control of a situation and stop it. It’s a change of heart.

All our feelings and emotions emanate from within us. They are generated inside our bodies and brains. However, because they become activated through our interaction with the outside world, most people think the outside world is the cause of any and all our emotions. It’s not. It’s merely a trigger.

Healing is exploring an emotional trigger and deactivating it.

When we seek forgiveness, it’s because we blame ourselves for hurting another person.  But what do we do if they refuse to change and decide to stay mad at us hang onto their internal pain? What can we do to change them and make them let us off the hook?

This is what I call kindergarten thinking.

You can’t make another person let go of their inner pain any more than you can control their thoughts. So let it go.

And if you can’t let it go, it’s because of continual blame with the finger pointing inward.

I hurt them. Oh no! It’s all my fault. Woe is me.

Life isn’t black and white. How can it possibly be 100%  your fault that another person becomes emotionally triggered? How can it be 100% your fault that another person decides to hang onto an uncomfortable feeling for hours, days, weeks, years? It’s not.

When we become emotionally triggered, life suddenly feels black and white, all or nothing, because that’s the fear center in our brain taking over. It’s the immature thinking of a child taking over. Children see the world simply. They see good and bad, this or that. The only see the surface, incapable of complex thinking. Our brain on fear is all about survival. It does what it needs to do in order for us to keep living, whether it’s run away from a perceived danger, or create a belief that separates us when we physically can’t run away.

Forgiveness is actually an inside job. It’s about letting go of, or healing, unconscious beliefs that keep parts of us separated from our true divine selves; allowing this divine, life force energy, that is unconditionally loving love, to flow through us more fully.

It’s about creating more internal peace, health, and well-being. Becoming at peace with the past.

For me, it’s been a process. A long one. And just when I feel like it’s complete, a few more bits and pieces of my inner child feel safe to speak up, letting me know they want to be set free. Will it ever be done? Some things feel very complete for me now. But the truth is, only time will tell.

Forgiveness is about using whatever works for you to help you reconnect with yourself. Have you found what works for you yet? Let your feelings be your guide.

Barely Feeling Human

Sometimes this blog is a place to share spiritual wisdom that’s been coming to me, and sometimes it’s a place to share my journey of changing from the inside out, initially through hypnotherapy healing sessions, and for the past year courtesy of Kundalini energy.

The other day, I was emotionally triggered by someone I’m close to; their unconscious fears rang out in me, finding a raw unhealed spot. And a healing shift happened. I don’t even have to try anymore. The shift just happens.

And after a day of mental hell, my body is sore here and there, and I’m changing again. From the inside out. While I’m still a bit fragmented, living between dimensions, my head is fuzzy, I’m not myself, and I need a lot TLC, including extra sleep.

Waking up from sleep is not a pleasant experience. Dreams are stronger than “normal” and I can tell these are my head processing a bunch of crap. Bits and pieces of my waking day are mashed together, sometimes mixed with fear, and sometimes just being odd. I don’t wake feeling rested, but seemly further out of sorts, sometimes for hours. Until I begin to feel like myself again.

And when I begin to feel like myself, I realize I’m changed. I barely feel human sometimes. Like today.

Because I’ve healed shame, there are times when I overshare, like I did this afternoon. But it doesn’t occur until after the fact that I didn’t need to say as much as I did. When I’m overtired, my mouth can become a motor.

I’ve healed blame too, and most of the time no longer blame myself for things, so when people I care about do, I’m sometimes caught by surprise and don’t understand why they’re so hard on themselves. Then I remember they’re just being “normal”.

I see people’s disconnection from their soul when I hear them talk about their life, or read their self-talk. I see their inner pain. And there have been times when the puppy inside me wants to jump all over them, lick their face, and let them know they can heal this or that; because I have. The puppy knows they don’t have to carry so much pain around inside them. Even when I don’t really know the person. And when I find out they have no interest in healing what ails them, it leaves me stumped, miffed, and sometimes upset, until I remember that we all see life through our own eyes and have free will. Until I remember that we each have our own path in life.

One of my struggles as a sensitive being, has been wanting those around me to feel better. And not everyone is open to change. Mostly because they’re scared of it or don’t know how to create change in their life in a way that they can deal with.

So today is a day of accepting that some people would rather sit in their pot of shit, the shit they’re familiar with and comfortable in, than change. And a day of not really feeling human.

Healing Can Get Complicated

Inspired by a fellow blogger who was also sexually abused as a child, it was only recently that I realized a part of me longed for my older brother’s approval and acceptance, despite the fact he abused me. I had a moment of clarity a few months ago when I suddenly realized I no longer longed for the stereotypical older brother that I never had and never will. The little girl inside me who always wanted an older brother to love her, accept her and protect her, finally healed and let go of her pain. She is free of the past.

Years ago, when I first began work on healing myself, I wanted to let my big brother know that I was doing better because I was beginning to let go of so much hate and anger I’d felt toward him for decades. I liked the fact that I could think about him and even talk to him without wanting him dead and without endless buckets of anger rising up in me. The irony is, he’s never really felt deep regret or remorse for his actions toward me when we were younger. So, my sharing with him that I was doing better, didn’t have much of an impact on him. At the time, I thought it would. My inner child still wanted his approval and love.

When I once asked him why he did what he did, he said it was because he didn’t know it was wrong. He said it was only because the psychiatrist our father sent him to told him it’s not ok to rape your sister (or whatever language they used), that he even realized what he did was wrong.

But the fact is, that’s not entirely true. He knew he was doing something wrong and bad, way back when, because he made me be quiet about it. He forced me to not tell, and made me fear getting into trouble. But he seems to have blocked this part out. I haven’t. The fact is, he didn’t have to do or say much to keep me quiet because I was already completely disempowered because of how he’d treated me our entire lives together.

The more I’ve healed, the more I’m able to put myself into his shoes. And one of the saddest recent realizations I’ve had is, I’m pretty sure he has little to no capacity for empathy. In many ways, he’s like a child, unable to put himself into another’s shoes and see through their eyes. He’ll never in a million years be able to understand that the person who was supposed to look out for me and have my interests at heart, not only never looked out for me, but sexually violated me. Not once or twice, but regularly for almost two years.

And the only reason it stopped wasn’t because he suddenly grew a conscience, but because I became pregnant and despite all my major denial and fear, could no longer hide it. The big fear of “getting into trouble” hit the fan in all sorts of ways.

I’ll never forget the day my father called me and my brother into the living room to have one of the most anguishing talks I’ve ever seen him have. As Dad put his hand on my tummy, he expressed to my brother how beyond hurt and shocked he was to find out that his innocent, beautiful, sweet baby girl was pregnant. At 14. And the worst stab in the heart was, he wanted to kill the person who did this, but he couldn’t because it was his own son.

If he could have had the person arrested, thrown in jail, banished or beheaded, he would have. But because it was his own son, it decimated him. Putting my brother out of the house apparently wasn’t an option for Dad. With no grandparents left to shuttle my brother off to, I don’t really know why Dad didn’t think of sending him off to boarding school; after all, he’d already sent my younger brother to boarding school upon the advice of my mother’s psychiatrist. What Dad did do, was put a latch on the inside of my door, so I could lock it. I had to lock my bedroom door every night as I went to bed.

Dad didn’t realize that seeing a psychiatrist for a few months didn’t fundamentally change my brother in the least. Years after the molestation was found out, when my brother was home from college on vacation, and we’d all been partying with friends, I suddenly woke up with someone crawling into my bed, taking off my underwear, pawing at my genitals. Because I was dead asleep, it took me a minute to realize what was going on, and to kick my brother out of my crotch and my bedroom. I’d gotten complacent with his being away at college, and forgot to lock my bedroom door.

I only wish I’d been able to kick his face hard enough to break his nose. But at that point, I was still so very disempowered and seeking acceptance. Even from him. I just wanted him to stop doing this to me and to like me.

The thing with sexual abuse happening within a family, is the effects ripple out. When it’s happening, anyone who knows about it is effected. People often take sides. And years later, when the person who was abused is finally able to address it and begin to heal from it, there comes a time when part of their recovery is finally being able to speak their truth. And doing that has effects on the family as well.

Abuse is always surrounded by secrecy, denial, shame and blame. Always. It is complex and complicated.

I know that when I told our younger brother (only a handful of years ago) about what happened, he was in a state of shock. It rocked his world. As much as my intentions were to not hurt him in any way, I needed to finally talk about what happened. And I couldn’t talk about it until I’d reached a state in my own healing where I wasn’t so filled with venom and anger.

I needed to let go of my deep, dark secret in a way that didn’t perpetuate hate and anger. And I wanted to be able to help my younger brother process this, not just shove shit into his face and tell him to deal with it. His seeing me in a good place, helped him be able to deal with it much better than if I’d merely told him that the older brother he’d always looked up to and emulated, was actually a monster.

I also firmly believe that monsters don’t just develop out of thin air. Some of our mother’s manic behavior when our older brother was very little (too little to remember), affected him. If he were to do a hypnotic regression, he could become aware of what happened to him, and heal from it. But he won’t. He still doesn’t really fully feel in his heart that what he did was wrong.

Because I found a really effective way to heal from my past, and finally felt strong enough to break my silence to some family members over the past few years (there are still some who don’t know, mostly because they are still young), I’ve been watching this ripple of shock and denial, followed by feelings of empathy for me and confusion and anger toward my older brother. Merely finding out about a family member having been sexually abused has effects on those who hear about it. Their reality is shattered. And because it was I who told, I shattered their reality.

Birthing of a Spiritual Being

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that this past sixteen months has been one of accelerated healing for me, courtesy of Kundalini energy spontaneously opening around the end of January or early February 2017. Trying to describe what it’s like to have your consciousness change again and again ain’t easy. It’s evolving, opening.

We all walk around with very little of our mind actually conscious at once. Most of our mind is unconscious to us most of the time. We go about our days doing our thing, creating routines and living our lives. But once in a while, something happens and we become upset or stressed. What I discovered by diving into my own subconscious, is we become stressed or upset, or emotionally triggered when one of our unconscious beliefs becomes activated. And these beliefs are always contrary to our spiritual perspective of ourselves.

FYI, a spiritual perspective is when we know ourselves as perfect and whole, and we feel unconditional love for ourselves. A spiritual perspective is one where even though we see ourselves as distinct, unique individuals, we know we’re all ultimately, intimately connected and sparks of one energy field that I’ll call God. The mere fact we exist affects others, and we all matter very much. We’re all part of the giant tapestry of life, with our unique living threads.

Our unconscious beliefs are created from the moment our spirit merges with our physical body, and serve the critical role of keeping us alive. However, by the time we’re adults, able to take care of ourselves, these beliefs can sometimes cause problems.

Stress or upset is the feeling and emotional result of two dissonant beliefs in us being activated at the same time; one belief conscious, and the other unconscious. One belief held by our “human mind” or ego, and the other belief held by our soul.

A classic example of upset is road rage. When a person is emotionally triggered into rage while they’re driving, there’s a young inner voice that’s speaking up, and it’s very unhappy. It’s the inner child screaming out, “It’s not fair!” And if the person were regressed using hypnosis, that feeling of rage would likely take them back in time to a moment in early childhood when they felt that life wasn’t fair.

The inner child carries the belief that life isn’t fair, yet as a soul, we know that life is always fair. The two beliefs clash, causing emotional upset. Healing the belief that the inner child holds, creates healing, a permanent change to their consciousness. The inner child becomes happy and the next time that same person is cut off in traffic, instead of flying into rage, they’ll stay calm, maneuver the car safely, and put the incident behind them fairly quickly. Healing our inner child means being able to move through our emotions instead of becoming stuck in them.

If you imagined everyday life as looking like a big green swath of grass, everyone’s grass is studded with invisible dandelions of unconscious beliefs. We don’t even see them until we’re emotionally triggered. Suddenly, our perfect green lawn has a dandelion or two and by the time we move through the anger, frustration, or sadness, we no longer see the dandelion. All we see is green grass again. What healing does, is uproot the dandelion, so it’s gone. But most people aren’t aware of healing work, so their dandelions take root and multiply, yet stay invisible much of the time.

Once the dandelion has been uprooted, there’s a small hole left behind that takes a short while for the grass to fill in. As our own energy fills in the gap, this is known as a period of integration. Usually a few extra hours of sleep, some extra water, and going on with life does the trick. With changes to emotional triggers, they happen very quickly, being dissolved. There is always a physical component to the change, but might be so subtle as not to be noticed (unless the healing session specifically worked on a physical issue). Creating healing to physical issues, the integration period can be a short as six weeks, or six months.

Unlike when I’d have a healing session to uproot one of my dandelions, Kundalini energy has been creating healing in me when those near me are being emotionally triggered. My energy field is extremely sensitive and intuits another person’s dandelions; and this goes on without my conscious awareness. I only become aware of their dandelion as a healing shift is created in me. Just connecting emotionally, empathizing with someone close to me, usually a family member or close friend, is enough to create changes within me.

Even though I don’t have issues in certain areas of life, if for example, the person I’m connecting with is upset about money or a relationship, their unconscious beliefs will find their way to and through me, and a healing shift happens inside me. I can’t block or stop it (much as I’d like to). Just after my energy field/ consciousness has shifted, what I’m aware of /can see /notice, changes. I’m suddenly aware of their inner disconnection, or their issue. A few times, I’ve actually had their “stuff” pop into my head as a phrase, and suddenly understand the motivation behind someone’s behavior that previously might have puzzled me. And because of this, instead of becoming miffed or disturbed by someone’s “bad” or “inappropriate” behavior, I totally understand where they’re coming from and have compassion for them.

Because I’m not healing singular incidents in my life, but am creating shifts in me at the level of mass consciousness, instead of dandelions being uprooted, it’s more like giant sequoias are being uprooted.

The challenging part of having such a big hole created suddenly, is dealing with the physical and mental repercussions while the hole is being filled in with my soul’s energy. The grounds crew is out there hauling dirt, filling in the hole, sprinkling grass seeds and watering them. Instead of a day or two it takes weeks for the hole to fill in. I don’t really have to “do” anything. The process happens.

And as the process goes on, my mind rewires, going through gyrations of being unfocused, replaying old emotional tapes from my past, and playing worry tapes about the future. Yet there isn’t a physical, visceral reaction to the thoughts. I know they’re not my reality. They run rampant at times, like a squirrel on speed. The only thing I can do at times is distract myself with watching videos or television. Reading is out of the question. Doing meditative activities becomes torture, as the thoughts only increase. Temporary memory and word glitches happen.

Sleep is no longer restorative. There isn’t enough sleep. I wake up exhausted and unable to focus lately. I’ve also been waking up very sensitive, easily overwhelmed for the first several hours of the day. Sounds are too loud. I crave quiet and solitude. I have to take naps, long ones. That helps. Sometimes I have to nap within an hour or two of waking, and sometimes it’s early afternoon. Today it was around 4pm when sleep found me, waking at 6:30 pm. Some nights as I lay down to sleep, my mind is a cacophony of crap thoughts and it takes everything I have to recite a grounding and focusing mantra long enough to quiet the thoughts so I can fall asleep.

Physical energy is illusive.

My relationship to food is pretty wonky. Cravings that were healed are temporarily revisiting, as are several extra pounds on my body. There are some days when I don’t feel hunger and don’t feel like eating, but if I go without eating, I suddenly begin to shut down and can barely function. My system is so sensitive.

With all the healing, changes to my psyche, there are moments of new awareness, clarity. I see the world through different eyes. Non-judgmental eyes. I can see more, take in more, without it overwhelming my brain.

But before the hole from the last sequoia has been filled in, another tree is uprooted. Rinse, repeat. More hell. I can’t wait for this process to slow down to a creep.

Never in my life have I felt so chronically miserable for so long.

And this too shall pass.

But when?

When Mother’s Day Is Complicated

Mother is supposed to hold the womb that gives life. Mother is supposed to be the fountain of unconditional love and support. And our safe place to fall. But what is she’s not? What if our mother isn’t a safe place to fall? What if our mother has such enormous struggles that she takes it out on us? And what if we’re not from our mother’s womb?

Mother’s Day brings up all sorts of complicated emotions for me. Yes, I was born from my mother’s womb, but she wasn’t always a safe place to fall. And my first child wasn’t mine to raise. She has another mother.

As much as I now know my mother did the best she could, her best left me with scars and damage. Spiritually, I understand that our souls made an agreement to share this life together to give us both opportunities to grow. And I’ve discovered that one of the biggest movers in life – one of the things that propels people into action to make change – is discomfort. Just the right amount of discomfort or pain will push people. Too much pain and we shut down or exit life.

Apparently, in this lifetime, mom and I seemed to get the mix just right because the amount of change I’ve been able to create, in part thanks to our relationship, has been staggering. And I’m not talking just about what my life looks like on the outside, but how much I’ve changed internally.

My childhood memories became lost to me in my adult years. I haven’t had many memories younger than about eleven or twelve, and it never bothered me.

In my thirties, when I began to have a lot of trouble keeping my weight down, I turned to hypnosis to help me discover what was going on, and to help reprogram my subconscious. After sifting and sorting through a few different hypnotherapists, I stumbled across the field of energy healing and then a hypnotherapist with a spiritual twist, who was just the right fit for me.

What I learned, with the help of intuitives and hypnotherapy, was the damage caused by my relationship with my mother. When I looked at why I was an emotional eater, what came up was how painful it was as a child to have my mother verbally attack me. Food cravings were an attempt to deal with unconscious trauma. And the older I got, the closer to the surface the trauma was pushed.

The beauty of uncovering such pain during healing sessions, was it was immediately dealt with. I wasn’t left with raw, bleeding emotions. The parts of my inner child that had been in pain were immediately healed. The pain was released. In healing circles, a lot of what I did is known as soul retrieval.

Growing up with a mother who was mentally ill (and not medicated until I was almost out of high school) was formative for me. First off, I didn’t know she was ill until her first hospitalization when I was in tenth grade. Her wonky behavior was my “normal”.

I was always very sensitive and a quick learner. Because I was the target of my mother’s venom (when she became manic), I learned to duck and hide. I also learned to be compliant. One of the gifts my mother helped hone was my gift to hear a person’s emotional state in the tone of their voice. I got good at recognizing when my mother was manic by how she spoke and by how she acted. Before she died, I could peg her emotional state (whether she was depressed or manic, and how much) within a minute or two of talking on the phone.

To this day, just by listening to someone when they’re talking, I can tell if they’re being authentic or deceptive by the tone of their voice.

My own journey to becoming a mother was not by choice. Being molested by my older brother for about two years, it only stopped because I became pregnant and the whole thing came out. I lived in fear. Fear of being molested and fear of getting in trouble for it. (This is how a victim’s mind works). I was dominated by my brother.

When it was found out I was pregnant, it was kept secret. The shame and embarrassment of the molestation and pregnancy was cemented by secrecy. By good fortune (and amazing spiritual planning), I was able to hide my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter from friends and family. They believed the deceit and lies we created, and six weeks after my daughter was born, she was given up for adoption. To this day, most of my childhood friends and half of my family are still unaware.

I never allowed myself to think of my daughter as mine, knowing that I could never in a million years keep her. Yet, one night in about 2006, after a class I was taking in writing hypnotherapy scripts to help lose weight, something deep inside bubbled up from the meditation we’d done in class, as I walked to my car. About half way across the parking lot, the phrase, “she was mine” hit me like a ton of bricks. Sitting in my car bawling from the depths of my heart, I was finally able to take ownership of my daughter. I was able to let her fully come into my heart, with the knowledge that she absolutely was mine.

Back when the molestation was found out, the decision to keep this whole thing a secret was done to protect our family from harsh judgment and scrutiny. As much as it saved us from possible harm and embarrassment, it took years to fully understand and heal the damage it created. Secrets are always double-edged swords.

By the end of high school, getting away from my mother was pretty high on the agenda. I picked a college that was far enough away from home that I didn’t have to see my mother very often (just during our breaks), and was able to begin to spread my wings.

After having to give my daughter up for adoption, the desire to have a child I could keep and raise became very important to me. Being married and having a family was  always high on my priority list. With a few twists and turns of life, I finally reached this goal in my late thirties.

It was in my early to mid-thirties when my childhood started to catch up with me (as it does for many). In my case, medicating my emotions with food became a problem. And finally becoming a mother to a child I could publicly call mine, came with a host of unexpected challenges, including years of undiagnosed depression and a child with special needs.

It’s been through the process of finding things to help deal with my emotional eating, and things to help my son that my life has changed in miraculous ways. Being set up in life with many painful experiences, created the soup of discomfort that pushed me to look for relief. Stepping my way into discovering healing work, to looking for what worked and paying attention to what resonated with me, has led me down an incredible path filled with heartache and joy, mystical experiences and spiritual awakenings, and more healing than I ever believed was possible.

Today, when I think about my mother, her struggles with mental illness and the damage she inflicted upon me, there is peace. No more hurt or rage. I feel such compassion for her and her situation in life. Fortunately, by the time she ended her life, by her own hand, I was far enough along with my own healing that her suicide didn’t hit me nearly as hard as it did the rest of my family. I am at peace with her decision and send her love for her continued healing on the other side.

When I think about the brother who molested me, the rage about the past is gone. My desire for a relationship with a loving older brother has been healed. I no longer want what I never had and will never have. I am at peace. He has his own deep issues, and until and unless he works on them, he’ll remain the disconnected, disempowered person he’s always been. I honestly don’t see it happening.

My daughter is now 38, and from what I’ve been told by trusted intuitives, has a family of her own. I would love to meet her some day, and to meet her family. I’d love to meet the woman who raised her, her mother, to thank her for loving the baby I couldn’t keep and for taking that little one into her own heart.

My own journey of motherhood is still challenging, with new issues having popped up over the past few years that I’m still working on. But I wouldn’t change a thing. The chemistry between my son and I has been just right. He’s a sensitive, heart-centered teen with a small handful of invisible disabilities. And it was because of my love for him that I stepped my way into a spiritual awakening and discovered healing modalities that have not only helped him, but jet-propelled my healing into the stratosphere.

As fraught with difficulty as Mother’s Day has been for me, more and more it’s becoming a reminder for me of how far I’ve come and how much I have to be grateful for.

Strength

Strength isn’t just physical.

Strength is inner fortitude.

It’s that connection deep within ourselves.

It’s persistence.

Strength is conviction; knowing that no matter what, things will work out.

Strength is a mama bear.

It’s staying the course.

It’s knowing when to change course.

Strength is holding onto faith, even in the face of adversity.

The most powerful strength in our lives is our intuitive connection;

Our inner connection to love and wisdom.

inspirational quote about strength

Out of Focus

One of the more unexpected and often unpleasant effects of my Kundalini awakening process, is having my consciousness rewired, or reconfigured. In order to change the way I perceive the world so drastically in such a relatively short period of time, my brain, or my mind (not sure about the delineation between the physical brain and the energetics of my conscious mind) goes through periods of flux. Time when I’m not normal.

I started this piece a week ago, and put it to bed. Today, when I want to write, my head is a mishmash of uncomfortable thoughts, dizzy imbalance at times, and acting like a rabid squirrel with little ability to focus. After a decent day yesterday, taking in a local spring street fair for a short while, today I’m a basket case of exhaustion.

I woke up and had to take a hard 2 hour nap in my favorite recliner, just to be able to function for a few hours. I feel like a newborn, needing to sleep, wake just long enough to eat and look around for a few hours before needing more sleep.

It’s a beautiful spring day, the sort of day that would normally have me out in the yard, taking in the fresh air, sunshine, and birdsong. I have a list a hundred miles long of things I want to get done, both in the yard, and in my home, and I have absolutely no energy for any of it.

I want me back.

I want to feel normal. And my normal is positive and upbeat most of the time. It’s been too gone for too long.

I want this trip through hell to be done. The endless cycles of my body shifting and changing, and my mind shifting and changing. Change is hard enough when it’s once in a while, but holy crap! This has been going on for over a year now.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that this awakening, this crazy train of ascension is a process, and the chronic discomfort won’t be forever. The waves at some point will smooth out and eventually dissipate into something that will become normal.

In the meanwhile, even though on many days I want to bury myself in a hole and not come out until Kundalini energy quiets down in my body (or at least a year), I know that the more I can interact with life and roll with the punches, the more quickly the process will pass.

Trying to hold onto the faith that this too shall pass, remembering that yesterday was more good than not, and knowing that at some point, no matter what the rest of this life looks like or feels like, it will all one day come to an end. And I’ll get to go home.

For many who experience Kundalini awakening, as their consciousness changes, they end up changing things in their exterior life to bring alignment. Suddenly, their life doesn’t fit, and brings excruciating pain until they make changes: they are forced to take action around things like their health, relationships, or work.

My awakening has been a process of creating internal alignment within myself. Thoughts and feelings that bring up internal discomfort are being brought to full consciousness and are being instantly healed. Let go.

One day, I’ll feel good again for more than a few hours. I’ll feel like myself, and will have energy to actually get things done again.

When Family Isn’t A Safe Place To Fall

My healing journey has been one of shifting my lens of perception. Again and again, and again. We all grow up, and whatever that looks like, with regards to our family or whoever is taking care of us, is our normal. We wake up and go through day after day, doing our thing, surviving. Kids mimic behavior they see, and respond and react much like those around them. So whatever that is, is normal.

A stereotypical family is the photo with everyone happy and smiling, where everyone gets along. Our family are supposed to be the people who know us best and the ones we can turn to in times of need.

Part of my lens of perception when I was growing up was developed by having a mother who sometimes attacked me verbally (when she was in a manic phase). And other times, she rejected me and was absent (when she was in a depressive phase). Because I was a child and nobody told me my mother was mentally ill, I developed a host of mis- beliefs that became internalized and mitigated pain.

Walking around with unconscious mis-beliefs of being defective and unlovable, any time from childhood on, if someone treated me as my own mother did, there was a part of me who believed I deserved the treatment – even though as an adult, I rationally knew I didn’t. That’s a real mind fuck bender. (Swearing doesn’t feel quite right today).

So, until I was able to spend enough time with another mother who was different from my own, my bipolar mother was my normal. Luckily for me (I don’t think it was luck at all, I believe it was divinely orchestrated), my best friend, who lived down the street, was close enough for me to ride my bike over almost every day. And her mother was not only not mentally ill, but was an exceptionally lovely and loving mother. In her, I saw a mother who was present for her children (and me), and when she became angry was able to verbalize her anger without attacking her child.

In my best friend’s mother, I was able to see a different definition of “mother”.

I grew up with two brothers, one older and one younger. Typically, an older sibling is the leader of the pack, with the younger ones looking for attention and validation, and mimicking the behavior of those older than them. Often times, the oldest child holds a feeling of responsibility for the younger ones, and is protective of them. Not so with my older brother.

My older brother was not protective or supportive of me and my younger brother. In fact, our relationship is best summed up as dominator/victim. As a girl, I wanted to play with my older brother, and would seek approval through his eyes. What I got was mostly out-and-out rejection, or he’d delight in making me do things in order to win his approval. Only if I did his bidding would he play with me. And he’d have me do things that made me feel uncomfortable, which he knew, because making me do something I didn’t want to do gave him a sense of power. And the one thing he lacked more than anything else, was and still is, a sense of internal power.

When you’re rejected by your own mother, and if the only way your brother will make you feel validated is by doing their bidding, you grow up with great training to become a doormat.

When people grow up in a family that wasn’t always a safe place to fall, they develop coping skills and mechanisms. The number one thing that I turned to in order to feel better has always been food. Eating, and especially eating certain foods, has been the soothing balm of life for me.

The thing about growing up in a family that wasn’t always safe, is even when I moved thousands of miles away from them and didn’t have to see them, the effects of my childhood stayed with me, buried deep down inside, until I was able to deal with it.

Truthfully, I really had no clue how my childhood was affecting me as an adult because I blocked most of it out. It wasn’t until I wanted to know why I couldn’t lose weight and keep it off, that I began to learn about the mechanisms behind my emotional eating, and discover how truly dysfunctional my childhood was.

As an adult, I’ve grown up to create my own family, who are my safe place to fall. And discovering healing work, I’ve found amazingly effective ways to shift and change many unconscious mis-beliefs that fenced me in in life.

Mirrors In Our Lives

We’re all mirrors for each other. When we see something in another, it’s because we hold it in ourselves first. Our love for another springs from the love we’re able to access through our heart. If our heart is closed off, walled off for protection, we’re actually hurting ourselves. But finding a special someone who resonates with us creates a space of safety, where we connect and open our heart, letting out the love.

Sometimes we’re in situations when we’re relaxed and our heart is open, that we have experiences and our own inner pain will flash up. Before we know what’s happening, deep dark emotions of hurt and pain lash out in a torrent of tears or rage of anger. And it’s all about what we carry in ourselves.

Think about it. Think about someone you hold near and dear in your heart – and it might be a beloved pet. Even if they’re miles away, you can still access the feeling. The love. Are they in the room causing you to feel the way you do? No. Think about someone who’s hurt you years ago. Feel the pain. Are they in the room making you feel that way? Did they just hurt you? No. The feelings emanate from within you. We generate feelings and emotions from within our bodies.

We think that others make us feel certain emotions, when in fact, they’re just a mirror for us. When we think another person is sad, it causes our own sadness to rise up, and likewise with other emotions. We mirror other people’s emotions back to them.

Part of my healing journey has been trying to let go of a lifetime of rage and fear. I’ve had healing sessions that allowed me to see the creation of unconscious beliefs held by my inner child. During the sessions, I tuned into reactive feelings of anger and frustration that were being triggered by various people in my life. Following those feelings, down into the depths of my consciousness, I met parts of myself that were in pain. I saw that little girl who had just been decimated by her mother, and young one who was victimized by her big brother. It was she who would become activated from time to time.

Because she felt inadequate, seeing people I perceived as inadequate could trigger my inner child, and it would come out of me as anger or tears. Seeing myself in another, even at an unconscious level, was triggering.

I discovered that my own mother carried many of her own demons, and I was her number one trigger; especially when she was manic. Her inner child would become triggered, showing up in intense pain that felt like a demon riding her back, and the only way she’d feel relief was to attack me: her mirror.

When Mom was manic, I was not allowed to disagree with her, differ from her, or act independently, or it would be taken as a threat that had to be demolished. There was a part of my mother that wanted to demolish her own demons. And in fact, my mother inherited the dynamic from her own unstable mother. I saw during a meditation one day that this was passed down for several generations in my family, from mother to daughter.

The parent – child relationship is one that’s ripe for bringing out our inner pain.

Since discovering this mirroring dynamic that we all have, I now understand why when I’d see people who were overweight, my own weight issues would become activated. I’d be repulsed by people who I perceived of as fat because I was repulsed by my own feelings that I was fat. And because I was fat, there was something very wrong with me.

We see people who are lazy, ugly, fat, old, weak, and mean because we hold those judgmental feelings within ourselves. We play judge, jury, and executioner, vehemently denying and pushing against the parts of ourselves that we feel are lazy, ugly, fat, old, weak, and mean. Because we hold these feelings with us, they can become triggered by others, activating our unhappy inner child.

With some very effective healing work, I now hold myself with great compassion most of the time. Yes I weigh more than any doctor would like, and I’m now on the other side of fifty, with natural hair that has streaks of brown, gray, silver, and white, and my skin shows my age. There have been times when I misunderstood my husband and he became upset with me. Going through an intense Kundalini Awakening I’ve been physically exhausted and needed a lot of extra sleep for months now, which is not my normal. I could be viewed as fat, old, mean, lazy, and out of shape, but in fact, I feel quite differently. I no longer see myself through eyes of harsh judgment.

More than strength of muscle, today I value my ability to persist through adversity, my inner strength, my strength of mind and strength of compassion that’s been growing especially over the past few years.

Holding myself with much more compassion, I’m able to see others in the same light.

As we heal our inner child, our outer world fills with peace. World peace is an inside job.