Rough Day

Here we are again. Another day and I don’t feel well. Sometimes I wonder how many days in a row I could confess to my family that I don’t feel well, I don’t feel like myself, and they’d be ok with it. Probably not many. No one likes a complainer, so I keep my mouth shut and distract my inner misery with video entertainment and sleep. If I could focus well enough to read a book, I’d read. But I can’t right now, so I’m not. If I had the energy to get outside and go for a walk, I would. But I don’t.

The thing is, I’m not sick. There is nothing a pill or a doctor can do for me. I’m dealing with the effects of growing a new level of awareness; with the effects of Kundalini Awakening.

Today is a day of feeling like I’m split between two different dimensions and I can’t quite bring all of my focus into this one reality. I feel like the two halves of my brain are revving at two different rpm, one just slightly off from the other. There’s an inner generalized agitation that’s subtle, but definitely there. An inner resistance to something, causing my mind to feel muddled and my body to be tired and weighed down.

This is how it goes. And this is how it’s gone for almost two years now.

I had a reading recently with a most talented psychic/medium/channel/oracle high priestess, who saw a foreign energy sucking off of mine, like a vampire. My energy is no longer sovereign. It used to be… before this awakening. Yes, she brought in Master Jesus to help remove it, and for a while I felt lighter and more like myself. But I know from past experience, if I don’t heal the reason why it was allowed to stay with me, it’s likely to come back (and might very well be back as I type).

I worked so hard and so long to heal things like personal boundaries, reclaim personal power, heal food cravings and parental worries, and with a massive shift in consciousness, popping me into a new level, I’m having to start all over again. To heal these all again, at my new level of awareness.

Bitch, whine, complain, I hate this.

There will come a day when the miserable part won’t be so prominent, and life will flow with grace and ease again. Just not yet. But things have progressed far enough along that I’m back to actively create healing shifts. And in an upcoming session, I’ll be addressing my chronic and severe lack of energy for about a year and a half.

I know it’s not a physical or mental illness because it comes and goes. (And because I recently had a very thorough check-up with my doctor). When I have a healer help me become clear and grounded, I feel much better for a while. It hasn’t lasted. This tells me I can create a shift using energy healing, but the work is mine to do.

I can have someone tell me there’s an energy or entity attached to my energy field like a leech, sucking me dry. But if I don’t address why it was allowed to remain there, having someone else remove it is akin to swatting away a mosquito while staying outside where they’ll soon find me again. Doing healing work helps me plug holes in my energy field, create energetic boundaries, and let go of the need to allow something or someone to bleed me dry. It will allow me to be compassionate without doing myself harm. To look at a mosquito and even admire it, without it being allowed to bite me.

Hopefully, after my next hypnosis session I’ll not only know why I’ve been so tired, but I’ll have shifted things inside me, so life will feel better more often. Fingers crossed!


Spiritual Wisdom: It’s Not My Job To Know “How”

Inspired by another blogger, today has me remembering spiritual wisdom that came to me as a bonus at the end of a healing session. At the time, I was trying to figure out how to create a shift in what I was seeing and experiencing, while in hypnosis. The more I became mired down in the muck of how I was going to make it happen, the more blocked and entrenched I became. Finally, I let my hypnotherapist know I was stuck.

That’s when she called in the big guns: spirit helpers.

The hypnotherapist I was working with, had a big bag of tools at her disposal, and one I really loved was calling on help or guidance from either my higher self, or spirit in some form.

Over the course of several sessions, I met helpers in the form of Father God, Mother God, a few different guides, my Higher Self, Jesus, Mother Mary, Archangel Michael, and other beings in spirit. What they brought to a session was a sense of safety and trust, the energy of love and compassion, and spiritual wisdom. They reminded me that creating inner change was easy peasy, and when the going got tough, they did the heavy lifting.

During a hypnosis session when I’d get stuck, it would show up as some form of inner resistance. Sometimes it was a wall, or more commonly, fear. One time, the fear was so intense it felt like pure evil. And as it began to melt away, I knew it was merely extreme and very dense fear. Fear beyond all fears: way beyond terror. And yes, it dissolved. But I digress.

My hypnotherapist would ask a few questions to help me move forward again, and one was to have me ask a guide for help. To ask them what I needed, in order to move past whatever was stopping me.

During a session when I looked at why my blood sugar was high, when deeply into the session, I saw a scene where my young self, around four or five years old, stood looking at my bruised and battered, sorrowful heart who was mightily struggling. Becoming aware that the heart was so sad because the child didn’t love it, my inner child looked at my heart and cried, saying she never learned to love her heart. She was so very sorry, and apologized over and over.

When I was guided to see if that little girl could learn how to love her heart, she didn’t know how. And I didn’t know how to make things happen. We were stuck. I was directed to ask my guide for help, and as soon as the girl turned and asked for help, she suddenly knew to open up to a bright, warm, comforting light that was suddenly shining down on her, like the sun. She spread her arms wide, closed her eyes, tipped her head slightly back and soaked it all in. Just like I’ve done so many times on a warm, sunny day.

When I looked back at my heart, it was suddenly pink, healthy, energized and very happy again. The energy of Universal Love, of Source, was restored. I moved this energy throughout my torso, bathing all my internal organs in love, watching them all become joyful. (Within three months of this session, my blood sugar went from a level indicating Type 2 Diabetes, to pre-diabetic. Within six months, it was normal and has been for the four years since.)

After going through a number of hypnosis sessions when I became stuck and spirit did the heavy lifting, dissolving fear, giving me answers, and moving me forward again, one day when I was once again stuck and wondered how something was going to happen, I was told very clearly, “It’s not my job to know HOW.”

I can’t see in to the future and know exactly how something’s going to happen, even though based on past experiences I can have a pretty good educated guess. Our brains let us think we know how something’s going to roll out, because of past experience. But the fact of the matter is, the more gently we hold onto having to know how something’s going to happen, the more we’re open to magic. Our job is to focus on an intention, a desire, knowing we’ll get there.

Growing up, I always wanted a husband and a family. As I grew into my twenties, going through a few relationships, the desire for economic security entered into the picture. As the strength of my desires shifted from a husband to a job I liked that had decent pay and benefits, I went back to school and put my love life on hold, during the time most of my friends were getting married and starting their families. After graduating and getting a good job, working away from home ten to eleven months a year, as much as I knew it paid well and would give me good job experience, I also knew it wasn’t an environment, or the time to look for a husband. I decided to save money for 3-5 years and then move home, find another job in the field, and find Mr. Right. What I never expected was to find Mr. Right a year into my new job. It changed the trajectory of my life.

As much as I kept my focus on having a husband, how he came to me, I could have never dreamed up in a million years just a few years prior to meeting him.

During hypnosis sessions, the moment I’ve finally let go of wondering how to make this happen or that happen, things have shifted, creating alchemy. Transformation. Transmutation. Magic. The intention is set at the beginning of the session to create healing change.

At the end of one session, as I looked back at the shift that had just been created and wondered, “How did I do that?” I was shown the answer as I thought about focusing in on one thing, one breadcrumb. I focused on whatever became most prominent in the moment. Whatever stood out or popped up. And as I focused on it, feelings would often guide me back to the past when a scenario would pop up, another breadcrumb. I didn’t make them happen; as I allowed the process, they just happened. Then the next breadcrumb would come up. And so on. Magic in allowing.

As much as my spirit understands I don’t have to know how I’m going to get from point A to point B, my very human self has finally devised a way to move from breadcrumb to breadcrumb, helping alleviate the worry about how.

When I’m striving for a goal, looking into this or that, I notice what catches my eye. What grabs me? What’s got my attention? I look at it and bring it into my heart. Is this the right thing for me now? How does it feel? Does it resonate and feel right?  If it does, I go with it. If not, I move on.

And when I’m trying to accomplish something and have reached the point where I’ve pushed and tried, and pushed and tried until I’m blue in the face and things aren’t working out, that’s the signal to let go. Let someone else do some heavy lifting for a while.

All I have to do is know I’ll get there. To keep the faith. It’s not my job to know how.


Survivor – Part 2

When we experience painful things in life, our mind protects us in a number of ways including blocking out memories. Memories are also blocked as part of the evolution of our consciousness from infant to toddler to child, through the creation of beliefs that over time become unconscious to us. While I was doing healing work, using hypnosis to suss out the trigger of emotional reactions that I tried unsuccessfully to quell with food, I witnessed the creation of several beliefs of less-than and brokenness, and healed them. What I very unexpectedly experienced along the way was reconnection to my core, Divine self.

With each release of an unconscious belief that was brought to light, my inner perception shifted from one of being defective or broken, to one of being perfect as I am. As separated parts of my consciousness were brought back into the fold, they began to remember their innate Divinity. Light from deep within me began to shine brighter and brighter as all forms of blackness were transmuted from anger, hate, evil, sadness and other forms of rejection, back into the pure potential of what the Universe is created from: love.

Before I’d ventured into digging into my past and working on myself, I walked the world as a fairly accomplished person on the one hand, yet with a deep sense of having something wrong with me that I attributed to my being overweight. From the time I was thirteen years old, I believed I was too fat and needed to lose weight. That’s when the diets began. And the failure after diets began as well. If something wasn’t working for me, it was because I was too fat. The irony is, I wasn’t fat, but I eventually became so.

My inadequacy manifested as my being too fat. This became the tape that played over and over in my head.

Food was my drug of choice. I craved it. I denied myself of it. It was my savior, my enemy, and I couldn’t quit it or I’d die.

When dieting finally failed me enough times that I could no longer go there, I turned to hypnotherapy. I was about thirty-six the first time I ventured into this realm where magic happened. One of my first magic experiences was experiencing my higher self, when I didn’t even know what a higher self was. I’ll never forget the strength, compassion and love, existing beyond what my little brain could comprehend. It was incredible.

After working with a few different hypnotherapists as years of life went by, when I was forty-eight I met the one whose blend of her various talents and training was a fabulous match for me. Working with her, I made incredible progress, bringing up unconscious beliefs, seeing things from my past that had been long-buried, and setting myself free. I began to change from the inside out, reconnecting with my inner self and eternal wisdom (Divinity). And when life threw things at me that brought up buckets of fear and other forms of resistance, I took them into sessions, creating more and more healing.

I began to see how we split our psyches, burying things in our unconscious mind until we were ready to bring them up and heal them. I not only saw my mother’s verbal abuse of me, but my older brother’s domineering behavior towards me that eventually became sexual abuse.

I saw how I loved these people and wanted them to love me too. How I sought their approval, despite how they treated me.

Over the course of doing healing work and reading about abuse and healing, I finally understood why as a girl I kept wanting my brother to love me and to accept me, when his behavior toward me was either neutral or predatory. I don’t remember him ever being able to be a proud champion for me, because you can’t give what you don’t have. When he began raping me, as much as I tried to stop him, part of me was shocked into submission that he would do such a thing to me. He was bigger and stronger than me and told me not to tell or I’d get into trouble. That was all it took. Between my mentally ill mother’s manic behavior, my predatory older brother, and my sensitive nature, I’d been groomed my entire life to have no voice of my own, and I was terrified to get in trouble.

When a person is raped, attacked, or abused, there is a part of them that takes on blame. This is a function of our brain’s trying to cope with the unthinkable. There is this niggling little voice that tells us it’s our fault.

It took me until my late thirties and working with a counselor to quell that voice in me. It was almost twenty-five years after the molestation began that I finally felt like a victim. And the anger roared! It rolled inside me and began to rage.

The thing about being human is this other emotion that gets rolled up into being a victim, and it’s called shame. Because we have blamed ourselves for being raped, and rape is such a heinous thing, we take on a mantle of shame. And when the abuser is someone we know, or worse yet, a member of our own family, the mantle is so thick and heavy it can make us sick in a variety of ways.

As Brené Brown so eloquently states, the #1 antidote for shame is empathy.

Speaking our truth and having others support us, not shun us, is the antidote for the ultimate fear of rejection and abandonment. We keep secrets and stay silent because of this deeply held fear.

In my case, during a hypnosis session, I experienced a very unexpected angelic intervention of deep healing of shame. A massive angel held me, healing me of all shame in my life. And to this day I feel no shame.

So, after being raped, attacked, or traumatized, first we blame ourselves, and we heap on shame. After time and healing, we’re finally able to take on the label of victim. We cast of shame. The only problem with getting stuck there is being stuck with all the anger and frustration, and other negative emotions that love to revisit. Healing the inner blame is the next step, and takes work.

Just a quick note that I’m not addressing the physical effects of being traumatized or victimized, but the emotions are tied with physical effects as well.

What healing work has done and is doing for me is reaching those unconscious parts of me that keep the old tapes replaying and releasing them. It’s reaching that teenager who’s been stuck for decades, enraged at her brother’s behavior, and that little girl who just wants to be loved and accepted for who she is, and shifting their perceptions. Setting them free. Rage is gone. Sadness is gone. Replaced with inner peace.

Healing moves us beyond being a victim, freeing us from the shackles of the past. And my most recent level of healing (with the help of Kundalini energy) has created freedom from attachment, from the need or want of relationships I never had. The pain of my relationship with my mother has been healed, and because she’s gone now, I’m able to put that relationship to bed. I no longer carry sadness or anger that I didn’t have a mother who was able to be loving and supportive the majority of my childhood.

The pain of wanting my brother to be someone he was never able to be has been healed. I no longer want, need or desire his acceptance or approval. Our relationship is done as far as I’m concerned.

When I think of him, I see a somewhat broken person who has no connection with his inner guidance. I see someone who has spent his life trying to find a sense of himself by looking toward others – feeling powerless and trying to feel powerful through his behavior with those around him. It’s truly sad. Unfortunately, I still have to communicate with him from time to time. And when I do, instead of rage immediately becoming triggered, I am able to be mostly calm inside. Although, truth be told, I’d rather not have to deal with him at all.

My journey of healing from the pain of life has taken me from amnesia to remembering and soul reconnection. It’s taken me from a place of holding onto blame, wearing shame, to casting those off and claiming victimhood. It’s been moving through victimhood, healing ancient shackles of pain, anger and woundedness, reclaiming my Divine self and spiritual perception of life. And the ride is far from over.

Survivor – Part 1

Part of the reason I began this blog a few years ago was to have a place to vent strong feelings away from my family and away from people who know me but don’t know my secrets. Since then, I’ve done a lot of extremely effective healing work and have learned a lot about not only myself but about what happens within a person when they are abused. I’ve learned how the abuse becomes wired into us and that it pops up every now and then throughout the rest of our lives. And I’ve seen the steps a person goes through from being abused to reclaiming the self. And in my case, unexpectedly reconnecting with my soul, higher wisdom, and Divinity along the way.

During hypnotherapy sessions when I was addressing issues to do with overeating, I traced feelings of discomfort, frustration and anger, watching them lead me back to my childhood and infancy, and even before birth. I saw events playing out in childhood that became locked into my consciousness through the creation of (mis)beliefs. When my mother, in a state of mania, bitched me out and laid into me with her tongue of acid, part of my psyche made sense of her behavior by creating justifications for it.

In one case, I addressed an emotional trigger that kept coming up, and discovered I took on the belief that I was defective. My three-year old human brain made sense of my mother’s harsh treatment of me by picking up on a belief my mother carried about herself: that she was defective. I took it on as my own: I was defective. It made perfect sense to my brain: because I’m defective, I deserve being treated badly and feel pain. It explained away the pain. It kept me alive. Because when life is too painful, we leave.

Initially created to help me survive, this belief of being defective became wired into my consciousness, becoming triggered and activated from time to time. And when it was triggered, I became frustrated and angry. I could have gone through life never addressing this trigger, but when it was tripped, my anger was directed toward my young son. And that wasn’t ok with me. After addressing it using hypnotic regression, the trigger was dissolved. Gone.

Over the course of several hypnotherapy sessions where a myriad of unconscious beliefs were not only revealed but healed, I began to see that as children we create a host of (mis)beliefs of less-than and brokenness. We create them as our consciousness evolves from infancy to childhood; as our self concept evolves further and further toward being an independent and unique individual. I have my own theory that by the time a child is able to wrap their head around the concept of death – that it’s the end of us as we know ourselves and we fear it – that’s when these beliefs are for the most part formed in us.

You see, the brain is all about survival, and when we’re really young, we can’t grasp the concept of forever and death. Once we reach that stage of development, our unconscious beliefs have been written and life experiences echoing them only deepen the grooves we’ve recorded. And sometimes, the echoes we experience as emotional reactions, were recorded not during our present lifetime, but in others. Past lives. I saw this a number of times as well.

When we experience things that are too painful to remember, we not only create beliefs about ourselves that become unconscious, but our minds block memories of events until it’s safe enough for us to remember. I didn’t remember most of the first dozen years of my life until I began to work in hypnosis and create healing. And after recalling events that happened, I see why. Looking for answers to why I seemed to use food to quell uncomfortable emotions, I saw time and time again my mother verbally assaulting me when she was manic or abandoning me when she was severely depressed. As I child I didn’t understand why my mother kept hurting me. So, as children do, I blamed myself.

Until well into my healing journey, memories of my mother began when I was about twelve or so. I remembered her being an unbelievable bitch at times and going off on me. I remember when she was finally hospitalized and medicated for the first time in her life. And I remember wanting to get out of her house.

I also remember the deep connection we had as mother and daughter. The love I had for her, dropping my life to fly across country and be there for her and my father for a month when they were both hospitalized and in need of care during their final years.

You see, our primary attachments in life are to our family members. We love our parents and our siblings first. We become attached to them first. Even when they hurt us over and over. As a child, we can’t live independently and we rely on our family to help us survive. They are the people we look to and know. It’s within the family dynamic that we learn our place in the world, and where our psyches become shaped.

My mother was the one whose approval I sought. I was her little mirror. And when I did as she wanted, all was well. When I had an independent thought or wanted to do something my way, or didn’t want to do what she wanted me to do, it could be met with violent outbursts. There were no negotiations. It was her way or the guillotine.

I learned to hide myself. I became painfully shy. I was a doormat. Part of me died. I coped with the pain so many ways. I tried to run away from it, drink it away, smoke it away, chase it away by having sex, and by eating. Nothing worked like food. Little did I know, when dieting finally failed me in my mid-thirties and I turned to hypnotherapy to help lose weight, how incredibly my life would change. It would take years, but the road less travelled has made all the difference.

When Surgery Is Necessary

I’ve accomplished much in the realm of Energy Healing, and have been able to let go of a number of medical conditions and medications. Some are still with me, yet much improved. And one issue I thought was healed and behind me cropped back up the other week. My gallbladder.

A little over two years ago, my gallbladder first became very cranky. I saw my doctor, who ordered an ultrasound, and I happened to be taking a meditation workshop with another naturopathic doctor at the time, this one also an intuitive healer. When my doctor wanted my gallbladder removed because I had a massive stone, I sought a second opinion from the doctor who is also an intuitive healer. The second option was I could heal my gallbladder, and I went that way.

After using muscle testing to determine a few foods that my body wasn’t doing well with, and adding more of foods and supplements that were beneficial to my gallbladder’s health, I began to heal my gallbladder. As it was told to me by this doctor, the issue with a painful gallbladder isn’t the gallbladder per se, but the fluid made by the liver that goes into the gallbladder. When the fluid becomes too thick, it can’t flow around any gallstones (which most people have), and a painful condition is set up.

Before too long, my gallbladder was happy again, and with my new dietary changes and supplements, I believed over the course of perhaps a few years, the stone could dissolve and the issue would be behind me.

Because I’m aware that physical issues have an energetic component to them, I also had a hypnosis healing session to help my gallbladder heal.

The session was truly enlightening. After being relaxed and asked to tune into my body to see what wanted to come up and be addressed, I was led to my liver. I saw a spear that had been run through my body, at the liver. As I tuned into the scene of a past life, I saw myself as a soldier on a battlefield, lying dying because of massive infection caused by my injury. It was a slow and very painful death.

What came up was sacrificing my life for reasons that did not resonate in my heart. I was not being true to my heart at all. As I lay dying, I thought what a waste to die for someone else’s values that weren’t even mine. I realized that every lifetime I’d been indoctrinated with other people’s ideals, and lived by them, even though they weren’t mine, it killed me a little bit more. I couldn’t do that anymore. I had to be authentic to myself. I saw that I had lived many lifetimes where I sacrificed my ideals for others’ that did not resonate with me. I fought for others for political reasons or reasons I did not agree with. I was not able to be my authentic self and paid for it with my life.

I can no longer be inauthentic because it is killing me. I can’t do it a minute longer.

After this epiphany hit me, the energy shifted and when I looked down at my body, a crust had formed around the shaft of the spear, like a scab. The shaft suddenly became truncated, cut off at my body, no longer running through me. I grabbed the shaft and pulled it off me, the crust over my liver being removed at the same time. What was revealed was a pink, healthy and vibrant liver. It was miraculous!

The thought of no longer being inauthentic resonated throughout my being so strongly.

After healing the liver, I checked in with the gallbladder, where some resistance came up loud and clear. Tuning into the resistance, I soon connected with a three-year old aspect of myself, who was having a full-blown tantrum. When I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong, at first she became very afraid, fearing she’d be killed. My mother’s energy was there; the one who’d verbally assaulted this little girl, who just wanted to be herself. Once I convinced her she was now safe, she opened up to me, letting me know how hard it had been every time someone pushed their agenda on her, forcing her to be inauthentic.

She cried, why couldn’t they let her follow her heart? Why did they insist on making her “be nice” and why did they have to push all their indoctrinations on her? She was already connected to Christ Consciousness and didn’t need to be told how to behave. All she needed was to be allowed to live through her heart. But they wouldn’t let her. Her energy became twisted and knotted up. In fact, because this little girl believed I would die or be killed, she tucked her energy into a gall stone. She reasoned that as long as the stone existed, she’d exist, even if I died. And she was sure I was going to die.

When the little girl realized I’d in fact survived, I’d made it, she let go of the stone. Her energy came out of it, and I saw the energy of the stone begin to dissolve.

Because this whole thing revolved around my ability to be authentic to my inner being, at some point during the energy shift, I suddenly saw a grid of Christ Consciousness energy snap closed around my aura, completely enveloping me. It looked like clear leaded glass panes in triangular and other shapes, enclosing me like a pod, hinged on one side. At the same moment, every cell and tiniest particle in my body also became enveloped by this same energetic grid. The next thing I saw was my body from every lifetime I’d ever lived, back to when I first came from Source, enclosed with this same Christened energy. Slam! Slam! Slam! Like doors repeatedly closing, each lifetime became encased with this grid of leaded glass Christ Consciousness energy.


Picture of a crystalline grid of Christ Consciousness energy enveloping Earth.

Any and all energies that were not of my own authenticity were now purged from my entire being. My mother’s negative and controlling energy, which had been so entrenched and entwined with my own was now gone. And I could see she was not pleased at all. Other family members too.

I was finally a sovereign being, fully reconnected with my own Divine, Christened energy.

With my liver on the mend, the energy of my little one released from the massive gall stone, and my entire energy field now solidly my own, I left the session buoyed with the knowledge that in time, my gallbladder would no longer be an issue. And for more than two years, it wasn’t.

Until the other week.

Well, that’s not 100% true. There were a very few times when I’d eat something and it seemed to stop my digestion. My entire system would stop moving, I’d feel extremely bloated, and would have some discomfort at the gallbladder. But with some antacids and laxatives, my system would get going again, and I’d remember to be more careful of what I ate.

The other week, pain and discomfort came up, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t get things happy again. After 48 hours, it became painfully obvious that I needed to see a doctor. As much as I knew I’d healed my gallbladder two years ago, because it was acting up in a very big and painful way, I also knew that I needed medical attention.

After going to our local hospital’s emergency room, being admitted, and having my gallbladder surgically removed, I checked in with my intuitive mentor about it all. Part of me wondered if I’d failed at healing my gallbladder, yet my mentor had told me stories about people putting detrimental energy into parts of their bodies, like into organs or tumors, and having it surgically removed, and I wondered if this was what happened with me. When she tuned into me and my situation, she saw that yes, I’d put energy that was poisonous to my soul into my gallbladder. And now it’s gone.

The lesson to me in all of this is, healing sometimes requires having a part of our physical bodies removed. Just because I had to have my gallbladder removed, doesn’t mean I failed in any way, or that the healing I did two years ago wasn’t valid. It means I had more to learn.

Happy Belated Birthday

Dear Daughter,

Sorry this is late, but this year has been a real bitch. A few weeks ago, you turned thirty-nine. Wow! I can’t believe you’re almost forty. When I was your age, I had a baby who was a few months shy of his first birthday. The first and only child I’ve had since I had you. And this little guy, your brother, was not an easy baby or an easy kiddo. He definitely has his challenges. But enough about your brother.

How are you? I’ve been told by a few intuitives that you married and have a family of your own. So I guess I’m a grandmother. I hope your life is a good one, and that your challenges are ones you are handling well. I wish I could be there for you when you want advice; but then again, that’s what your mother is for. And I bet she’s there for you in ways my mother wasn’t able to be for me.

I hope your relationship with your father is a close as mine was with my Dad. And I hope if you have siblings, that you’re close with them. I have two: one I’m close with and the other, not so much. It’s a long story.

My wish for you as you near forty is that you carry few regrets, never dread growing older and relish growing into yourself.

My birthday wish for you as you’re nearing what I feel is the decade when we women finally begin to settle into ourselves, is that you find peace in your heart and trust yourself more and more every day.

I loved you before you were born. I loved you when I met you. I loved you when I gave you up to have a better life than I could give you. And I love you forever.


The Rollercoaster Rolls On!

Phew! What a ride this Kundalini Awakening is being. It’s taken me from the depths of despair up to utter peace. And back. If I could graph my moods, there would be more ups and downs than I’ve ever had in my life. And the incredible misery – I never knew I could go for so long, feeling so unbelievably horrible. Only for it to lift in mere moments.

My inner, divine truth is fast becoming my waking, conscious truth. It’s incredible.

Most mornings find me waking up feeling unfocused or like complete and utter dog shit. As I move and interact with the world, I slowly begin to ground into present reality, feeling more and more like myself. My grounded, divine self.

Sometimes I feel normal. Good. Integrated. Grounded. Peaceful.

And sometimes it’s hell. Thoughts of paranoia and fear or thoughts that won’t slow down and focus, roll through my mind. And I know they’re not necessarily my truth. My body aches as energy releases. Muscles spasm and let go. My brain goes offline, forgetting everyday words, bringing them back as it reboots. Hearing words spoken, without catching the feeling and true meaning behind them, in time reconnecting my head and heart so I not only hear words, but feel them.

So much of communication comes from our hearts.

The Awakening is cycle after cycle of dying to myself. My human, fear-created self is disappearing, little by little, leaving behind flow, abundance, and peace.

Channeling Other People’s Disconnects

What I really wanted to call this post is, “Channeling Other People’s Crap.” Because that’s what I’ve been doing for more than a year now. Just before Kundalini energy opened full-force in me, I’d been doing healing work on myself. That’s it. I’ve never been a spiritual seeker, and have never had a meditative or spiritual practice. All I’ve ever been interested in is healing pain that would occasionally pop up in my life. And what I’ve done for the past seven years, has been studying energy healing and working with healers.

I not only learned pain could be healed, but discovered some really effective ways to do it by working with healers. As I did this work, when I used hypnosis, I saw unconscious beliefs within me cause pain, I saw why they were created, watched as they were healed, and intuited spiritual wisdom as part of the process. I downloaded spiritual knowledge and got a hell of an education about the human condition while I let go of my pain.

Over the course of healing a lifetime of pain and disconnection (and then some), I reached a point of being able to walk through the world with an amazing amount of peace in my heart on a daily basis. When people around me were triggered into emotional upset, I wasn’t. When I re-experienced situations that usually triggered my own emotional upset, the triggers were dissolved – gone. I specifically healed many.

And as I healed, I began to reconnect my head and heart. The disconnections we all create simply because we’re human, began to disappear. The two biggies being trust in the world and trust in myself. Those become fractured in childhood as a condition of being human.

I saw the seminal moment when I was a toddler and lost faith in the world; and healed it. I saw the seminal moment when I was a young child and lost faith in myself as an individual; and healed it.

It was amazing to be in the flow of life so often. To flow with life so effortlessly, much of the time. And to know that when I needed something, I would be directed to it, or it would be brought to me when the time was right.

And then I experienced another awakening. My consciousness shifted. Big time. I saw when it happened (during a hypnosis session). Since then, I not only see the world through different lenses, but am no longer healing only my stuff.

It’s like, the Universe recognized that I’d healed enough of my own stuff, that it was time to jack me up to a new level. One where in some sense, I’m starting over, feeling like I have no energetic boundaries again (after having very specifically healed personal boundaries). My heart is so very open. And because of it, I’m unable to stop taking on the energetic disconnection of those I’m close to when there’s resonance in me. And yes, there is a deep level of resonance with certain issues. Issues that everyone shares at a level of mass consciousness.

What’s frustrating is, I’ve already done “my” work. At least that’s how it feels. I’ve already healed the crap that was created in my own life (and several past lives). Yet, I’m intuiting crap from people around me. People I deeply love and care about. And it’s getting healed. Again. And it’s deep. Very deep. And intense to process.

It’s an extremely painful and difficult process, yet the wisdom and healing that’s resulting is unparalleled. You can’t buy this stuff.

A year ago, I reconnected with some family I hadn’t seen in five years. Since my mother’s funeral. During those five years, one family member, who I used to be very close with, had her feelings hurt badly. And it was important for she and I to reconnect and heal. While we were together, one of her issues rose up suddenly, and I intuited her thoughts, thinking they were mine… at first.

“This is not my house.” The thoughts boomed through my head. A moment later, in the privacy of my bedroom, a torrent of tears came, in release.

I unexpectedly let go of the belief that this summer cottage belonged to me. This haven where I not only spent every summer of my young life, but lived for a good chunk of my twenties. Before that moment, the cottage meant the world to me. It was one of the places I truly felt was home. As much as I’m only a co-owner of the cottage, I had a significant heart connection to it.

It took until the next day for me to figure out that I’d completely picked up on this family member’s unconscious belief. I very unconsciously and unintentionally tuned into it, and because it resonated with me, it was instantly healed in me. Not in her, but me. She (who is not an owner of the cottage) still holds this belief. Yet I’m now 100% aware that she lives with this belief tucked away deep within her.

This same thing has happened a number of times with those I’m close to. If I share a strong connection with a person and their unconscious beliefs become activated (ie, they get upset about something), if there’s any resonance within me, my energetic system will begin ringing out, and instead of my becoming upset along with them, healing is instantly created. I’ll experience a very deep energetic shift within me that is beyond my ability to control. I can’t stop it and don’t know when it might happen.

A year ago, it was all I could do to find a private place to let go of the tsunami of tears that burst out of me, before the dam broke. People get really upset when you bawl in front of them. I had to explain over and over to my husband about the difference between being upset and having a deep emotional release through crying. He still doesn’t really understand and gets upset, so I hide it from him. My son too. If he sees me upset, or sees I’ve been crying, I remind him that I’m not sad or upset. It’s just a release. And I remind him to try to not take it personally as he’s done nothing to upset me. It’s hard for my family to see me struggle. They’ve never done healing work, and frankly, aren’t really interested in it.

These days, because I’ve healed a number of things that my family lives with (as they became emotionally activated, I picked up on their crap and healed it), I’m aware of their stuff on a higher level. This is stuff that everyone lives with. The disconnects that all human beings have, like “We always hurt the ones we love.” I’ve not only healed this in me, but I also understand why we do it. The wisdom was downloaded into me as it was healed. Bam! A new level of awareness was created. This is ascension.

Issues relating to relationships, abundance, health, life and death, and time. The whole nine yards. I see life differently now. I understand life from different perspectives because of picking up on other people’s disconnects. And because of healing my family’s disconnects within me, I can now hold space for them instead of becoming upset right along with them. I can be a safe, nonjudgmental space for them.

As a human being, I have to say this awakening is a most difficult and uncomfortable rodeo, and lately, it beyond sucks. It’s one of those things when sometimes I’d rather be done with this life than have to endure more of this shit. But even those moments are eventually released.

All of those expressions that people love to hate are now my reality. “That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” “God only gives you what you can handle.” Until you’ve been through hell and back, you can’t appreciate these sayings.

When you’re still going through hell, they’re not always helpful to hear. And I constantly remind myself that this awakening is a process. Life won’t always feel like hell. And as much as it’s still very uncomfortable every day, it’s not all day long. And it’s not as bad as it was a year ago. One day, I’ll wake up and will feel like me again. The new me. I won’t wake up feeling this internal pushing against myself that is so uncomfortable and so not me. And I won’t always wake up exhausted from processing so much stuff all night long.

One day I’ll stop channeling other people’s crap and healing it. Or it will eventually happen so infrequently that I’ll be able to become fully integrated before the next shift happens. One day, the amount of inner change will slow down so I can feel grounded again.

And that will be an amazing time.

Lost Summer

Every day has been a battle to make it through the day. I don’t feel normal or like myself, and trying to do the most simple things requires unimaginable effort. In my society, there is no allowance for simply being, unless you are diagnosed as very sick or disabled in some way. And I am not. Yet functioning on the most basic level is not easy at all.

Going through a Kundalini Awakening for me is being the singularly biggest trial in my life thus far. I wake up every day feeling like absolute shit. It’s difficult to focus and much of my brain thoughts are quite negative – which is not me. I have no energy – which is not me, yet it’s been me for over a year now.

The hours I spend in bed, in our recliner, or on the sofa are times when I’m struggling the most to just survive, yet those who don’t understand would call me lazy. They have no idea how hard I’m working in those moments to simply stay alive. It looks like depression, but it’s not. It’s exhaustion from too much healing happening too fast.

Going away last fall, dragging my butt across country to a place I usually adore and long for, was very difficult. Knowing there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be very functional this summer, I planned no vacation trips. Why spend lots of money to go somewhere when you can’t even begin to enjoy it?

No house projects that were derailed over a year ago are moving forward, and none that still need to be done will be started. It’s all I can do to get my son to do part of the yard work that needs to be done.

Speaking of my son, I don’t have the energy to take him out to a nearby lake or to the ocean to swim or paddle around, which we used to do several times every summer. And with his anxiety off the charts this summer, it’s just as well. He’s not really up for it anyway.

I want to reach out for the community of those who’ve gone through a Kundalini Awakening, yet their experience is not mine. I have connected briefly with two women I casually know through a local healing center, who’ve gone through this Awakening, yet what helped them get through is not helpful for me.

Well meaning people tell me to meditate. Not helpful. Go receive Reiki or do healing work. Not helpful. My body and energy field are creating healing shifts and alignment all on their own. Too much, too fast. I can’t become fully integrated before another shift happens. And when I’m this disconnected and raw, I’m extremely sensitive. My emotions sit right up at the surface, ready to roar. And that’s not normal for me. Yet it has been.

My situation is a conundrum of deeply wanting connection and community, yet simultaneously craving solitude. Connecting with others has the potential to create healing shifts in my energy field simply because they are human. And I need the shifts to stop. I can’t have conversations with any depth lately, and I hate small talk generally.

It’s been too long since I came up for air, and even though I know I could wake up any day and things would feel very different, most mornings I wake up and dread the day ahead. A simple thought can create a lightning spike of fear to run through me and then reverberate for days, or cause a major muscle to seize in pain. And that’s not me. Yet it has been.

Sometimes I feel better by afternoon or evening, but not the past several days.

I long for this nightmare to be behind me. The scary thing is, it might be a few years yet, and I really want to have fun next summer.

A Spiritual Perspective of Anxiety

Sometimes our heads lie to us. Our bodies join in, and life can be mighty uncomfortable. Such is the case with anxiety. And I don’t mean getting worried about an upcoming job interview or being nervous about meeting someone new. I’m talking about Anxiety with a capital A.

I’m talking about doing something routine and suddenly feeling like you’re going to die. I’m talking about thinking about having to do something you don’t want to do, and having your brain melt; shut down. Sheer terror panic. Heart beating out of your chest. Sweating. Stomach ready to hurl. Bowls ready to let go. Vision narrowing as you’re on the verge of passing out.

As human beings, our brain’s and body’s main purpose is to keep us alive. And they’ll do whatever’s necessary to keep our heart beating.

So why would we want to live in a body whose brain constantly lies to us? Why would anyone choose to inhabit a body that lets us think we’re dying, when we’re not?

As a soul, we’re looking to have experiences that give us opportunities to grow. And one of the most efficient routes to growth is through painful experiences.

Being a human being is an experience of contrast.

When we exist as pure energy, as pure spirit, it’s very different from our experience as a human being. As spirit, we know we’re all connected to each other. We don’t have brains or bodies that so often cause pain in our lives. And our only definition of love is unconditional acceptance.

We experience soul growth as spirit, but having a life as a human being, having no awareness of ourselves beyond our body and brain, enables us to have experiences we can’t have otherwise.

Some of us choose to have a lifetime of mental health challenges. We find the body, family, time period, and place on earth that suits our needs and those of our soul family. In the case of my son, he chose a family with some mental health and other brain based issues, giving him a high genetic possibility of creating anxiety. His birth was engineered to work with his genes and his family to create a person with extreme sensitivities in life.

As a soul, my son was up for some big-time life challenges. But he also picked a family who would be fully supportive of him. He and I have shared lifetimes together before. I know of one where our roles were flipped, with he being my mother, and I being his son with special needs. In that lifetime, he was very supportive of me. It’s my turn to be supportive of him.

When I discovered energy healing, my young son received the benefits of a few different modalities and healers. They all helped. In the past several years, we’ve tried traditional therapy, a host of alternative therapies and naturopathic care. He still experiences panic attacks, and with puberty, he now experiences pervasive anxiety.

Sometimes with age, developmental issues either lessen or resolve. It’s obvious that anxiety is not going away.

It’s gotten to the point of exploring medications to help his brain.

Over the course of figuring out how to best help my son, I’ve had to heal several of my own demons. Eventually, I was able to understand that my son’s difficulty with going to school was more than just having a personality conflict with his teacher. His inability to do homework and inability to ride the school bus and eventually his inability to go to school was beyond his control.

During the past few years of having him at home, one of the things I finally got through to him is that anxiety isn’t his fault. Having a panic attack isn’t something he can will away. (It’s been a process for both of us). It’s a brain thing.

He’s a bit easier on himself, knowing this. But he also knows that anxiety and panic attacks have affected his life. And because of this, he’s onboard with trying medications. We’re in the midst of medication trials right now.

Anxiety is just one challenge my son’s soul chose. And right now, it’s the one that’s impacting his life the most significantly.

As a human being, it sucks to have panic attacks and to experience anxiety. As a mother, it hurts my heart to see my son struggle. But life isn’t only pain. There is a lot of love and compassion. In fact, more so because of the struggles.

And that’s why we’re here: to bring in the love.