Chaos is a process: that which no longer serves us falls away. And because people will put up with an awful lot of crap before life becomes uncomfortable enough to want to make changes, it often takes something deeply painful or deeply dysfunctional to get people to speak out, speak up, and do things differently in their lives.
For me, it was a few different things.
First and foremost, it’s been my physical appearance, and specifically, my weight. Ever since the insecurity of puberty hit, I’ve had a focus on my weight that’s not healthy. The focus has been that I’m always overweight. And guess what? You get what you focus on. Keep focusing on the need to lose weight and your body will oblige and become larger and larger so you’ll keep needing to lose weight.
Of course, insecurities of puberty focused on more than just my being overweight, but with maturation, that’s the one that seemed to hang on into adulthood.
Another issue that I thought I’d safely stowed away and forgotten about, was the pain from my childhood. Actually, I did a pretty good job of hiding my past and not thinking about it, until I accidentally discovered that doing so was making me fat and sick.
As an adult, there came a time in my life when trying to keep my weight down spiraled out of control. Life had changed, and the constraints that had been in place, helping me stay in control, were gone. Living independently, creating my own income, working full-time doing a job that kept me on my feet, was gone. I moved to a place I didn’t know, where I knew no one other than my boyfriend. I spent months looking for a full-time job in my field, with no luck. I finally settled on taking a very part-time job while I awaited becoming married and having children.
My life became very sedentary, and with a combination of no longer feeling a deep need to maintain a certain look to attract a fellow (we’d been together over six years at this point), and several insecurities riding shotgun, my weight began to rise.
At one point, when life felt a bit settled, I decided to see a counselor to help me deal with having been molested as a girl. She was the first person who ever helped me see the dysfunction of my family when I was young. I finally understood a bit of the bigger picture, which helped me begin healing.
Looking around at ways to keep my weight down, trying this and sticking with what worked, even if it only worked somewhat, led me to hypnotherapy. And hypnotherapy sessions let me have a few spiritual experiences.
As life went on and I became a mother, my weight kept going up and down and up and up. And one day, I herniated a disc in my back. It was months of excruciating pain, trying this and that, until I ended up on the cycle of getting cortisone shots and doing physical therapy, feeling better, reinjuring my back, and another shot and therapy.
When things became painful enough, and it was clear that I was headed for surgery before too much longer – this was a big time of chaos – life stepped in, giving me another option. I discovered a talented energy healer, who worked on me, helping my back tremendously.
At that point, my weight was pretty high, I was chronically exhausted, partially because of having a son with special needs who didn’t sleep well and who experienced life as very uncomfortable much of the time, and partially because the act of having a child triggered depression in me and affected my thyroid and hormones.
My physical break down and exhaustion, combined with becoming aware that I’d been a victim of childhood sexual and verbal abuse, and becoming aware that there’s more to life than what we can see and touch, was the chaotic priming I needed to have the spiritual awakening that happened back in the spring of 2011.
When I discovered the energy healer who helped my back, I’d just become attuned to Reiki. And what I didn’t know at the time, is that the attunement shifted my consciousness, making me more open to further healing. Within days of my back being worked on, I became curious to have a psychic reading, and was connected with a talented psychic.
As she talked with me, it soon became clear that this person that I didn’t know could see my entire life. She saw my deep dark shameful secrets and talked about them with no judgment whatsoever. As she spoke, with the combination of her knowing in great detail things she couldn’t have possibly known, and being so loving and compassionate about all the things I viewed with shame, something in me burst open, accepting that there’s more to life than what I’d always known. She was the confirmation that part of me had been waiting for, and when the dam burst, I couldn’t do anything but ride the wave.
My internal chaos came to a head and erupted. A part of me that had been denied and suppressed for my entire life, woke up.
There was suddenly an urge I couldn’t fight, that wanted to know everything about energy healing, and it wanted to know it yesterday. The urge both pushed me and poured out of me, steering me to the internet. To websites, books, online podcasts and interviews, and to local businesses that had to do with healing, clairvoyance, and all things spiritual. I read, watched, listened, and met with local healers and clairvoyants.
My life’s focus began to shift from this physical world, to beyond it. To creating change in the physical world by addressing things beyond this world. By learning how to address and create shifts in the world of energy, of spirit, and by understanding certain laws of the world of spirit; how they affect us here in our physical, emotional world.
I took classes to learn how to connect with my own abilities; my own clairvoyant and healing abilities. And I continued working on myself, but from here on out, I addressed things from not only a physical perspective, but also the energy/spiritual perspective.
Before I knew it, I was reconnecting to my spirit in such a way that my internal dialog began to change from that of a fearful little girl, to the voice of my soul. I began to let go of beliefs that had kept parts of my consciousness stuck in the time of my childhood and stuck in their own awareness of fear and brokenness. Stuck in my unconscious.
When I’d say a statement such as, “I’m a good person,” instead of hearing an internal voice denying this as my inner truth (basically, when I’d do this exercise, I’d hear a voice say BS), I began to be answered by an inner voice shouting, “Heck ya! You’re amazing and beautiful, and incredible!!”
With the years of my life before spiritual awakening creating an underlying pressure that built and built over time, the awakening shifted my focus to healing. Staying with that focus over the past almost seven years created enough healing in my life that Kundalini energy decided the right conditions existed for it to crank open almost a year ago. And since then, my internal life has felt like complete chaos.
Belief upon belief that doesn’t serve me or doesn’t resonate with pure, unconditional love, has been rising up in me and healed, shifting and moving out of my energy field. I’m broken. Belief gone. I’m defective. Belief gone. I’m worthless. Belief gone.
Fear upon fear is coming up for review. Fear of death. Fear of poverty. Fear of death of people I love. And they’re leaving.
My lens of perception for myself and in turn for the entire world, is shifting to one of unconditional love, acceptance, and compassion. It’s crazy!
To be completely honest, the process of change is a mighty uncomfortable one that I’d rather not have to go through. But in the case of Kundalini energy, there’s no going back. This is one genie that can’t be put back into its bottle. The only way out is through.
And along the way, I’m being taught some pretty valid and poignant life lessons. And today’s is all about seeing chaos not merely for the uncomfortable state it creates in us, but knowing it’s temporary, and at times necessary. When you see chaos, know that it’s a precursor for better things. It’s a time of sifting and shuffling, of pressures building up, looking for new avenues to spill out.
When enough things in life no longer work, it’s time to reorganize. To get rid of those old dusty things you haven’t used in a decade or two, and no longer really want. To stop putting yourself last on the list, and make sure that with all you do, you include things that bring you happiness and joy. It’s a time of prioritizing what’s important in our lives and taking time to honor those things.
This blog entry was inspired by John Smallman, who channels Jesus. I was inspired by his most recent channeling, where Jesus describes what’s going on in the world through his spiritual eyes. It really resonated with me.