What If?

What if our feelings were all valid?

What if anger and anguish were honored as much as joy and bliss?

What if negative emotions have a role to play that’s equally
Important as positive ones?

What if we understood that negative emotions
Are merely separation from Source?

That every time we feel pain it’s
Because we’ve forgotten who we really are?

Because we’re playing a game of pretend
That’s oh so very real?

What if thoughts of anguish serve a greater purpose
Other than to make us miserable?

What if anguish is here to move us?
To help us climb seemingly insurmountable mountains?

To give us contrast. And
What if all it needs is to be felt and witnessed?

Honoring the Body

Many people who walk a spiritual path seek to connect to the realm beyond the physical and want to do things like have out-of-body experiences, astral travel, or remote view. They seek the subtle energy realm and connection with God and angels. And they spend time in daily meditation with the goal of transcending the physical body and mind. None of these goals are inherently bad but some teachings focus so much on the metaphysical, the mystical, that people sometimes forget that we’re here to experience through our physical bodies.

As much as I’d love to be able to have an out-of-body experience and fly like I do in my dreams, and I’d love to be able to see or hear subtle energy easily, my Kundalini journey has made me appreciate the human body more than ever. There were a few times shortly before the energy opened when I was working with a healer having deeper and more intense energetic shifts than ever, and when I opened my eyes at the end of our sessions, my hands looked smaller and a little more claw-like. It was really weird. And within minutes it passed.

I’ve heard people who’ve had NDE’s (near death experiences) talk about entering back into their bodies, only to perceive their bodies as odd, ugly, and rudimentary as compared to when they were free from them. But during my healing session, although I was in a meditative state, I wouldn’t say I was truly out of my body.

My healing path started because of being overweight. Because a lifetime of dieting wasn’t working and I had to find another way. These days I firmly believe my soul chose to take on issues with being overweight as a vehicle for change. To give me something to chase, and to find hypnotherapy.

Once I met the hypnotherapist who would catapult my healing journey, there were sessions that healed how I felt about my body no matter its size, and sessions that reclaimed lost power giving me the ability to stand up for myself without having to be pushed far beyond my comfort zone. Instead of my body being something that was too fat and fill-in-the-blank when it came to judgments, I began to appreciate it for the miracle it is. And as my inner child’s wounds began to become healed, I not only began to love myself for the first time in my adult life but love my body.

Having completed fifty-eight trips around the sun, there are aches and creaks now and then, and I inherited many of my mother’s genes. My hair is quite far from the dark brown it used to be, and my anglo skin is getting thinner and more wrinkly. And at the moment my body is carrying quite a bit of extra weight. But it’s working. My heart is strong, my lungs fill and empty by themselves, and all four limbs work.

Despite a monumental amount of inner shifts courtesy of Kundalini energy’s effect on my body and entire energy field, I’m still here plugging away. Is my body functioning perfectly? No. I have a few things going on that I take meds for, and once I feel like myself again and have energy back, I fully expect to release a lot of weight, reverse most or all of these issues and get off meds. I’ve done it before and can do it again.

Something I appreciate about my body is how resilient it is. I’ve both gained and lost weight, have broken and strained things, have been operated on, and it keeps on keeping on.

It’s kept my secrets locked inside, occasionally acting out, allowing me to go on and on. And it’s taken me all over the globe. My body has been the vehicle through which I experience life and all its highs and lows, joys and sorrows. Through all the complexities and simply being.

And my mind has the elasticity and ability to shift focus just enough to allow me to experience the metaphysical and change myself from the inside out.

Ironically, it’s been through my experiences beyond the physical that I know that our primary life purpose (for those who want to know their purpose) is simply to exist here in the physical realm. To perceive ourselves as physical beings. To buy into the “illusion” lock, stock, and barrel. Our souls pick and choose the outline of our life while we’re here, and it’s evident I was destined to walk the path of a healer. Like many healers, I identify with the phrase “wounded healer” because it’s through transmuting my own trauma that I’m healing. Healing my body and mind for the purpose of putting the information out into the world and beyond.

My soul chose to have an experience of disempowerment by living in a female body in a very patriarchal society. It chose to experience disempowerment through having a sensitive body and being subject to emotional and physical abuse. My soul also made sure this body was surrounded by all sorts of earth angels and non-physical angels, guardians, and guides to protect me and help me transmute disempowerment. This body has been protected from harm and from death a few times. We all come in with protection, even if we’re not aware of it.

I wouldn’t be able to have this life and the growth I’m going through if it weren’t for my body, which I appreciate most of the time (unless I’m having a rough day). Quite honestly, with all that I’ve been going through lately, I’m not sure if when I reach the end of my journey I’ll be excited to finally get back to the other side, or if I’ll be terribly sad for it to end. Or possibly a bit of both.

For today, I honor, respect, and love the body I’ve called home for many years, and look forward to moving on from the current phase of extreme transformation into something more grounded and functional on a human level.

Struggling a Little

These days my body and my entire system aren’t normal. And I know it. Some people I know are good at tuning into their own energy and feeling where they might be a little stagnant or stuck, and I can do that sometimes. But then there are days when I’m just plain exhausted and feel like a sack of potatoes. And my body is stiff and sore. And I’m not all here. It sounds a bit like I’m sick or depressed, but these are the not so fun symptoms of the continuing process of massive inner changes I’m still going through. Neither sick, nor depressed.

These are the days when I’m glad I didn’t know what was coming.

The symptoms tell me there’s something inside that’s available to become healed and I’ll be addressing whatever it is in a week. I wish I could address it today, but I can wait until my scheduled healing session. As tough as it sometimes is, I’m built for this. I can handle it.

When Kundalini energy first opened, I could sit quietly and using intention, open my heart to what was within me causing resistance and allow it to shift and release. It was so easy. But the integration phase after the shifts was quite intense. After several months it became more difficult to create shifts on my own, and I found a wonderful spiritual hypnotherapist to work with. Lately, the integration from inner shifts seems to be much easier, but as soon as one thing is released, there’s something else on its heels.

Meditation can be a great tool used to quiet the mind and help people feel better in general, but with my system being a bit backward at the moment, the only time I’m able to get into a meditative state is being guided. And the only way to really feel better is to release whatever’s becoming available, that’s making me feel like crap. Digging deep down into my consciousness and meeting parts of my shadow who clamor for the light. I’ve gotten good at it.

My system has become extremely sensitive to energy and sometimes reacts (unconsciously) to those around me. And recently, my teenager has been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. He’s in a transitional stage of life and he always struggles with transitions. So I’m not sure if I’m reacting to his stuff at the moment, reacting to the recent passing of the Queen of England, both, or neither. And right now it truly doesn’t matter. I’ll see the pieces of the puzzle later. Today I’m trying to take care of myself and not be miserable around my family.

God

The All That Is.

Source.

Universal Life Force.

The Field.

Love.

God.

These are a few of the names I call the ineffable. As a student of energy healing, I think of God as Universal Life Force Energy. The energy that enables the body to heal. The energy that flows through me and when focused, makes my hands hot.

I think of it as the Source of All That Is. Because I perceive through my human body and mind, I think of Source as the massive Field of Energy that created me and breathes me and everyone else. Perhaps the emanation of the Field, while simultaneously being it. After all, we’re each sparks of the divine.

More than a few times I’ve received the knowledge that everything I perceive is created by Source. The world. Everything. The energy of Source very literally creates and IS everything. Once I die and withdraw from the body I’ll see things differently, but for now, I’m going by my experiences and what I download from spirit. And I’m good with that.

I no longer think of God as the father figure I was taught as a child. It’s not an individual, and while it’s genderless, it incorporates feminine and masculine forms of energy. How do I know? It both told me and showed me.

That said, I remember an experience of a healing shift I had during the first few months of my Kundalini awakening when I both felt and heard a booming, low voice that sounded like a man, come blasting through my third eye. Was it God? I think so. It sure was amazing.

Shortly before Kundalini energy opened, I had a profound healing of my trust in myself as God. Not as THE Creator or THE God, but that I played a significant role in the creation of my life before incarnating, and also while I’m living it. We all do, but we don’t all know this deep in our bones. Most people think things happen to them, not through them (which is totally normal). I had the realization that everyone is a facet of me. Maybe not physically, but energetically.

I suddenly saw myself in everyone and everyone in me. Oneness shifted from being something I read about and thought I understood, to becoming embodied and my truth. Still is. That is also one of the features of God.

Finally, I also refer to God as love because that’s what it feels like. Pure, unconditional love that’s even more powerful than I can comprehend. When I was so intimately and deeply connected, I not only saw, felt, and knew what I could, but also knew God was so much more than I can comprehend and truly understand while embodied (which is part of the gig of life). I felt love so completely accepting of me that I was brought to tears while being shown what looked somewhat like an IMAX movie projecting images from all over the globe of people, places, and animals. While looking at all these images I received the knowledge we’re all One. All part of a greater whole. Oneness.

That’s how I see God/Source these days.

Reiki

Eleven years ago I became Reiki attuned. I did it mostly for my son – to help him relax and be able to fall asleep at night. He struggled to fall asleep, and with him being eight years old I was exhausted. There was no sending him off to bed while I relaxed in the evening. By the time he was asleep I was toast. He was also an early riser. If he slept as late as seven AM I knew he was sick.

I enjoyed the one-day class and immediately started using it on my son. And it helped! He relaxed more easily and fell asleep more quickly. (And the attunement led to my first spiritual awakening only a week or so later!)

Reiki is one of those healing modalities that I use with faith. Meaning, I can’t see energy with my eyes and I don’t use it often enough to easily feel the subtle energy. But I know it has an effect. Once I get going, my hands become quite hot and when I close my eyes I see purple in my third eye. And once when I was in a class (not Reiki) and we were practicing being able to sense subtle energy, I was having a little bit of trouble so I opened up my palm chakras with the idea of being able to feel things. But the woman I was partnered with suddenly asked me what was that? What was what? Although her back was leaning against the metal back of a folding chair, she suddenly felt all sorts of heat on her back from my hands. Right through the metal chair. She was feeling the healing energy that was pumping out of my hands.

Another time when I was participating in a public Reiki share, where people walked in and were given a free/donation-based mini session of about fifteen minutes, I had my hands on a girl’s feet and suddenly felt so much anguish she carried. With my eyes closed, tears rolled down my face, but it was a little weird because I wasn’t sad. I felt very detached from the tears – it was as if I was letting them flow on her behalf. When her time was up, she talked about an incredible experience she had, and had been brought to tears.

For the past few years of going through a Kundalini awakening, I haven’t been drawn to Reiki other than having a few sessions with a local Reiki master. The healing I do with her isn’t really only Reiki but more of a mashup using a handful of healing modalities that support my going within and creating my own healing.

But a few nights ago my teenage son had the worst panic attack he’s ever had. It had been about six and a half years since his mental health tanked and I ended up taking him out of school to educate him at home.

Change is not easy for my anxious teen. And his first “real job” offer sent his brain spiraling out. For about twenty-four hours he succumbed to a grade A panic attack. He could barely eat or sleep, and he was a mess. Going into mommy mode I made sure he’s been taking his meds. Yes, he had. We talked and talked. I told him he could bow out of the job offer if he really couldn’t do it. And no matter what he decided, there was time. Orientation wasn’t for another twelve days. I tried to do some breathing exercises with him. And I gave him Reiki. When he was little, Reiki would calm him right down, but it seemed like it had no effect. I offered to take him to our local hospital where he could get some medicine to calm his system down, but he didn’t want to go. Above all else, I reassured him we’d figure it all out.

On the second day, after a few hours of sleep, he was still not doing well so I put in a call to his mental health practitioner. She splits her time between a few different practices, so I didn’t get a call-back until the next day when we talked about a game plan. Fortunately, he already had an appointment scheduled with her before the job starts, which will be good timing.

By late afternoon of day two, my son was calm enough that he fell asleep and thankfully slept for quite a while.

And when he got up he wanted to take care of a few things online required before the start of orientation, even if he ultimately decided to decline the job. Here we are a day later and he’s got the prerequisites completed. And his mood is improving still.

Frankly, I’m impressed with how quickly he’s bouncing back and that he’s been taking the steps he needs to be ready for the job. Turns out, one of his longtime online buddies has done the same job for the same company and has been a great source of comfort.

I can’t help but think that the Reiki I gave him is finally having an effect. Even though it didn’t magically end his panic attack, within twenty-four hours he was hard asleep as his nervous system began to unwind. With energy healing, there can be a lag between when the energy is sent and when the body receives it and reacts.

The night I gave my panic-stricken son Reiki, I wasn’t sure it was working. But I’m reminded that I may not see all of the effects, and it may take time for the effects to become fully known.

When my son was little and received the occasional energy healing session, it usually took about a week for me to suddenly notice that he’d changed. Like magic.

Today I am reminded of the Usui Reiki principles.

Just for today:
Do not be angry.
Do not worry.
Be grateful.
Take responsibility and fully do what you’re here to do.
Be kind to others.

From the Reiki Info website:

“The principles are not moral obligations; their life-giving soul is the feeling of oneness: oneness is harmony of the individual with the whole cosmos. From the Reiki point of view, integrating such principles in our lives means becoming, as much as we can, clear channels of Universal Life Energy.”

Energetic Portals as Doorways to Change

Less than a week ago we reached the peak of an annual energetic portal, the Lion’s Gate. It happens every August 8th. Not knowing a whole lot about it, other than it’s a portal and a fairly big deal, I read a little bit and discovered that there’s an astrological significance to the time of year and it’s a time when the veil between worlds is thinner.

As such, people can leverage this special time to create wanted changes in their lives.

It’s a time when people rewrite life agreements and set intentions. For some people, writing letters and then burning them helps make shifts in their lives. Or gathering en masse participating in group meditations. I know several people who take advantage of portals.

As for myself, a big energetic shift happened smack on 8/8, and not by my conscious intention. It was one of these inner shifts that was ripe and just happened. Sort of.

I inadvertently said something to my Sweetheart that hit him sideways and triggered him. The next thing I knew, he was upset and his energy ran through me like a mule kick to the gut. For the rest of the day, I held my tongue as my head became a shitstorm of crap thoughts. It truly sucked. The next day, after a horrible night’s sleep I could barely eat and had the shits as my stomach ached.

The thing is, when these moments happen, a part of me deep inside resonates with his upset and shifts energetically. It becomes healed. And once the healing shift happens I become aware of what was going on. But during the moment it can be hard to recognize thoughts racing through my mind for what they are. More often than not it’s only after the shitstorm-of-my-mind has quieted that I can see with a bit of clarity. Sometimes a phrase will come to me immediately after the shift, but things weren’t so clear the other day because of the intensity of the resonance.

The past five days have been rough. But things are easing a bit. Receiving some Reiki the other day helped.

Because I’ve been so immersed in my own stuff recently, today I’ve finally been able to take a step back and see some of the shifts going on in the outer world. And one form of change I hadn’t thought about until recently is the ultimate shift. Moving between worlds by leaving the body. As Theo says, croaking.

Energetic portals can make transitioning between worlds easier as evidenced by the recent passings of Olivia Newton-John and Anne Heche. And an acquaintance’s father-in-law. Any time someone crosses over it creates a big energetic ripple, a release of grief and sadness. And love.

I grew up with the music of Olivia Newton-John and was introduced to her by the movie Grease. I was a fan. She represented beauty and grace and was stalwart and philanthropic during the years she lived with cancer. Her death has hit so many people, and the light she brought into the world was felt by millions.

When people cross over tragically as in the case of Anne Heche, I see myself in them. I know the inner demons and pain that drives people to perpetrate self-destructive behavior. I know it so intimately. And especially in the case of Anne, finding out she was a victim of incest (by her father) really hits home for me. Oof. I’m simultaneously saddened that she wasn’t able to heal her demons, and jealous that she’s now back on the other side swaddled in the unconditional love she never felt for herself here.

But I know that it was their time because nobody dies without permission – without the agreement between their higher selves and God. Their souls took advantage of the thinning of the veil between worlds and crossed over.

Rest in peace Olivia and Anne. You reached mission complete! For now…

Integration and Rewiring

One of the not so fun effects of my Kundalini awakening is waking up tired and foggy and spending two hours on a blog post only to have it end up a winding mess of incoherent drivel that will likely languish and die in my drafts folder. Being able to follow one thread of thought without forgetting half my vocabulary and jumping around like a cat on a hot tin roof ain’t happening today. Time to let my scattered brain rest.

Judgment

I was scrolling through one of my favorite social media platforms and saw a post quoting the Bible. It said, “Do not judge or you too will be judged. Matthew 7:1”

The first thing to hit me was when you judge another it’s because you hold the exact same judgmental feelings about yourself. Most people don’t know this. Judgment is something Spirit doesn’t feel. It’s not a spiritual concept, it’s a feature of being human.

We carry parts of ourselves who are unacceptable, disavowed, and buried deep within us. Parts who act out in ways that are socially unacceptable. We’re socialized from day one and learn what’s acceptable and what’s not.

When my son was very young, I took him to a local park and lake for a swim. When we got there, I grabbed his swimsuit and a towel out of our bag, and before I could take him to the changing rooms he got naked right there on the grassy area by the lake and put on his suit. I didn’t think much of it because he was around four and wasn’t self-conscious yet. After he ran down to the water’s edge an elderly woman nearby squawked, “Has he no shame?” I looked right at her and said, “No. I haven’t taught him to be ashamed of his body.” I let it go at that, but the woman probably had all sorts of judgmental thoughts about me.

One of the cool side effects of healing inner trauma, emotional triggers, annoyances, and other crud has been simultaneously releasing negative judgments about myself.

And as I no longer feel judgment toward myself, neither do I toward others. What’s left is compassion and understanding.

Lakeside

Shifting Sands

I spend days with my feet on shifting sands.

I don’t fit in my skin, my body.

Life is uncomfortable and seeing others in pain triggers my own.

My entire essence isn’t me right now.

Where have I gone?

I’ve gone for a swim in the ocean and haven’t come back yet.

Not a pleasant, refreshing swim, but one plagued by sharks and towering waves that keep crashing over and over me.

Yet while this goes on I still hear, feel, and know the voice inside telling me to hang on. It’s nearly over.

The excruciating discomfort that brings me to tears again and again

The discomfort that wants so badly to go home, to be set free

The discomfort that’s so much part of being human

The discomfort my soul longed to taste again. WTF was I thinking?

My totally badass soul wanted another crack at transmuting the pain.

Not just a little bit, but ALL of it.

The Olympics of transmuting pain. Of the alchemy of the self.

I hear that I’ve done this before. Many times in many lives. But never in this body or in this time in history.

And boy, does my soul love a challenge!

It loves to take a crack at the hundred-foot wave. Longing to surf the face.

Get up on the top of the wave but not too far forward or you’ll get pounded. BTDT.

Dizziness and feeling swirly let me know things are shifting.

It feels like when I’ve been on the water long enough to have my sea legs and then get back on land. My equilibrium is off temporarily.

The balance thing might be a little bit annoying but it’s nothing compared to not feeling like myself.

Like a butterfly without its wings, a bird without feathers, an opera singer without her voice.

During times of shifting sands, I hang on for dear life. As much as I’d sometimes rather not.

It’s already been made very clear that checking out is no longer an option this time around.

And that I’m built for this.

My hull was designed to weather all sorts of storms.

And one day I’ll drop anchor. But not yet.

Noticing Changes

One of the things about being on a healing path is noticing changes. Noticing how I react differently in certain situations and how I feel in general. Sometimes they’re very subtle, and sometimes not.

About a week after a healing session that included soul reconnection I noticed a lack of emotional reactivity to something that’s been particularly bothersome for the past few years. It was a lovely surprise.

A new sense of freedom. Like I can breathe more easily. Feeling a little bit more like myself again.